Cinderella, "Gypsy Road"

Livin' It Up Down Old South America Way

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Gypsy Road," Long Cold Winter, 1988, Mercury

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SAMLE LYRIC "My gypsy road / can take me home / I drive all night just to see the light / my gypsy road / can take me home / I keep on pushin' 'cause it feels / all riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with a shot from very far back in the audience of Cinderella playing in what I would describe as a large club or a small theatre. While there are a lot of lights above them on stage, the ceiling's pretty low and the crowd isn't too big. There's an even quicker shot of hands waving in the air (at least one person is, as per the inevitable, holding up drumsticks) with some posters I can't even try to decipher in the background.

A quick shot panning down a street at night in... I'm going to say Mexico... follows. Then we see Jeff LaBar onstage from behind, with a fake cactus in the foreground. We quickly go around to the front of the stage and see Tom Keifer a bit closer, then we see the outside of the venue. It's called the "Cine Maya" and the sign says "Program Cinderella 5:20 7:30 Y 9:30." So apparently Cinderella did three sets that day beginning in uh, the afternoon.

Then we're inside again, with Tom Keifer triumphantly raising his arms to an enthusiastic audience. The camera pans around and we see that the Cine Maya is a pretty big place, but I'm still going to say that at the end of the day it's not a lot bigger than like Irving Plaza. We see Tom again, then some fans, then Fred Coury.

We take a peek at Jeff LaBar, then zoom out for a wide shot, then we see Eric Brittingham triumphantly tossing his flaxen mane. We then see the whole band walking down a Mexican street in the middle of the day. The camera goes back into the concert, and we go slowly toward Tom, with a view that includes a sort of Old West-looking lamp fixture hanging from the ceiling.

We watch Tom sing for a while, then we again see one of the fake cacti by the side of the stage, this one topped by a sombrero. We then follow the camera down a Mexican street during the day, where we see a policeman writing out a ticket. Tom sings a bit, then we watch an older woman walk down the street before watching Tom walk down a different street. We see Jeff rocking out with their oft-hidden keyboardist clearly visible behind him (I remember reading an editorial in I think Circus where they were like, 'why don't Cinderella just admit that this guy plays on every single one of their songs and let him be part of the band?" I don't remember his name though).

Tom sings some more, then a man and child go by on a motorbike outside on the street. We then see the whole band walking down the street, dressed down in basic denim and leather. Tom sings while riding around on a motorcycle, then we look up at some buildings before cutting to Fred on a motorcycle.



We take a look at some Mexican dudes hanging out by a decrepit looking building, then see more of Tom looking all pouty-mouthed and hot. He's wearing aviator glasses and naturally, a scarf around his head. I need to get some friggin' layers cut in my hair so I can tie a scarf around my head without looking like a friggin' hippie. We see more people on the street, then Cinderella on the street sort of goofing around, then more random people on the street. The guys walk by a building labled "Modelorama," which I guess is either full of models or Mexican beer (no, I don't know any Spanish).

Tom continues to sing onstage, but meantime we seem to be going further out into the country. We see more scenes of people and random streets, but it's getting more rural. The shots of Cinderella on stage get more direct at the same time -- we get more close-ups of the band's faces. Then we see an old Chevy truck, the license plate of which says "SHAKE ME" -- awesome! The band then walk by the camera outside, the first really close shot we get of them (aside from Tom singing on the chopper).

Now we head way out to the country, with a long shot of just trees and forest going past from the window of a car. Tom runs out into some brush with a guitar, then the camera pans around some kind of Mayan column. Fred is standing on the other side, hitting it with drumsticks. Then we're back in the city, as two little boys play near a bench Eric is lying on. I think Jeff is sitting on the other end of it.

The camera, from inside a truck, films a truck full of men driving through the forest, then we see Tom and Fred sitting outside singing. They're totally not made up at all, Tom has even foregone eyeliner, which makes him look especially fresh-faced. He also seems especially happy, like he's laughing a little or about to laugh. Maybe he is laughing about how silly that cowboy hat he's wearing looks, but I doubt it.

Next we see the band walking away from the camera down a road. Even though it's probably totally hot out Tom is wearing a long, black leather jacket with lots of silver embellishment. We then see a man getting something from a little window, on side of which is a poster for Modelo and one the other side of which is only some writing I can read, but it's advertising "Cervesa Fria" b/k/a cold beer. Naturally, Cinderella head straight for that. We then briefly see Tom in concert with a big band logo behind his head and then a shot of a little boy.

Now comes my favorite part of the video, where the band is suddenly all out in the woods by the Mayan stuff, and Tom mimes the line "now who's to care / if I grow my hair / to the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Tom has a guitar, but everyone else is just clapping and looking at each other. The camera then spins around and we're back by that Mayan column thing, Jeff is playing his guitar in front of it now. Every time it's shooting the Mayan thing, the camera gets little black corners on it, as if we're looking at the band through a telescope or something. We quickly see a crowded street with lots of people in it, then the camera pans past an old woman sitting on a bench to show Tom playing guitar on a bench, then some little kids sitting next to him. Then we are back at the ruins, with Fred again drumming on them.

It turns out the crowded street is actually some sort of parade, lots of people are carrying things. We see a bit more of Tom in concert, then get a low shot where he is riding a white horse wearing a rope bridle. I'm embarrassed I can't remember the name for this -- it's a bitless bridle, so it just goes around the horse's muzzle. We see some random people, then I think Jeff (without all the volume in his hair, he starts to look a lot more like Fred) riding a brown horse. We then see lots of people sitting in very, very makeshift benches watching some kind of rodeo-type event. A calf runs around below them in the next shot.



The band is then back in the jungle by a ramshackle fence, all clapping along with Tom. Then we see Tom silhouetted at dusk. Apparently Fred has decided just drumming on the Mayan stuff isn't enough, now we see him sitting on top of one of the statues. Tom and Jeff sing back at the concert, then Jeff runs past Tom, who's standing on the steps of a very abbreviated Mayan-style pyramid. The camera briefly attends to each band member at the concert, then we're back out at the fence. We then see an overhead shot at the concert, which prominently shows the toy parrot suspended over the stage.

For the lead-up to the solo, we get lots of concert shots interspersed with a few shots of Jeff playing out in the jungle by the Mayan stuff. We also get a nice shot of Tom playing guitar by some palm trees. Tom and Eric share a mic for the "so cold" lyrics, and we see a far off shot that slowly zooms in of Tom reclining in the doorway of a bar. We then see all of the band members sitting on rocks beside what is I guess a beach.

For the solo, guitars are inexplicably thrown onto the stage from the audience. We watch Tom catch a guitar from two different angles. The camera swings wildly by the ruins from Fred to Tom, then we see Tom playing guitar outside at sunset. Tom plays guitar behind his head in concert, whilst we see a crazy shot of him running down the stairs of the little temple or pyramid or what have you. Though Tom's guitar face is obscured by the low lighting in the concert shots, I assure you, it's there.

We then see a far-off shot of much larger Mayan pyramids. The band walk around them, then we see an outdoor shot of Tom, solo complete, raise his hand in triumph. In the concert, Tom tries to get the audience to clap along, then we see -- and I have never seen this before, I think I'm only catching it because I'm viewing it at practically a frame-by-frame speed -- two blonde women in the audience fighting each other! We briefly see something shooting out sparks, then a shot of more extensive Mayan ruins. The shots alternate between the band in concert and random settings, like the Mayan stuff or the sun behind some trees (as shot from a moving vehicle).

Tom slides down one of the littler Mayan pyramid things. We then go back to the concert, where the crowd is not clapping but is at least raising their fists in unison along with Tom. Eric tosses his hair in silhouette, then we see a cow's skull onstage. The crowd finally starts clapping along, and though Tom has stopped playing the guitar, he's really, really grimacing as he sings. I guess he's making song face.

We then see the sunset, still more temples, and more of whatever is shooting out sparks. Jeff is playing guitar silhouetted in front of it, whatever the hell it is. Eric helps Tom out on the mic, and the camera races up the steps of a big temple. The band run toward the camera on a country road, then we watch Fred from in between the arms of that cactus by the stage. Someone shakes hands with Tom, then we see a very smiley Eric and Fred at some kind of outdoor bar. We see people in thatched huts, and then Tom playing guitar on a bench with kids again.

As the video oh-so-slowly wraps it up, we see Tom on the horse again and the band by the fence again. At the concert, Tom leans way into the camera and makes weird faces. We watch Tom and Fred goof around at an outdoor market, then we see Eric in the rearview mirror of a truck, singing along. Fred/Jeff rides a motorcycle down the street, and Tom really, really emotes. The band try to read a newspaper, and a little boy runs down the road after their truck. Back by the fence in the jungle, everyone's making faces like it's the 10,000th take of them singing the song by the fence.

Then we get the umpteenth weird wiggly shot of them by the ruins. A waiter, dressed all in white, brings them a drink on a tray while they all sit on the beach. We see a lot of the band in concert, then we watch their legs walk down a road. Tom is wearing jeans and black and tan cowboy boots (the kind where the foot part is one color and the calf part is a different color) and carrying a guitar. Eric is wearing white high-tops and really, really tight stonewashed jeans. Then we zoom out to see the band, full-length, walking away from a camera down the road. The gypsy road? I suppose it is.



THE VERDICT Now, I love me some Cinderella, but I was boring even myself with this one. What the dilly yo? I like this song well enough, and obviously I love the band. I think the problem is that this is the beginning of the end of the Cinderella I love, and thus the beginning of the Cinderella I don't love, i.e. Heartbreak Station Cinderella. What's the problem?

PROBLEM 1: Lack of products. Now, I understand as well as anyone that when you're in a hot, humid place like Central or South America, not even the strongest amount of AquaNet is enough to keep your hair aloft. And of course, no one wants eyeliner running all down their face unless they're Alice Cooper. But that said, this first glimpse of Cinderella sans glam-ification is an augury of what's to come. Do you see how washed out Tom looks? And how Eric's hair just lays utterly flat? Fred is the only one who looks halfway decent, because he was never especially glam to begin with and his frizzy style is going to look roughly the same when exposed to humidity. Anyway, point is that I love the glam Cinderella, not the scaled back version of later years.

PROBLEM 2: Fred has nothing to do. Why is it that in later videos, Cinderella constantly find themselves in places where there's no place for a drum kit? Fred winds up just having to stand around like a dumbass, or, worse, pretend to drum on the damn Mayan ruins. I just don't get it. Like even if you have to lip synch for a video, at least you should get to pretend to play instruments too instead of just slapping at things or clapping along. This also happens extensively in "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)," where Fred is left to sort of tap on his thigh in time with the song for wont of drums.

PROBLEM 3: Not enough Tom growl. Long Cold Winter is, sadly, the last album that really has the distinctive Cinderella sound. Why? Because it's the last album where Tom sings consistently in his awesome growly, raspy voice. But even on songs like "Coming Home," you have to sit through a whole long part where he sings all normal, before you can finally get up the rocking part where his cool voice kicks in. Now, part of this may have been due to vocal problems on Tom's part. We all know that voices like this are really hard to maintain (*cough* Axl Rose *cough*cough*).

And if you’ve listened to the Cinderella (or most of Cinderella) tracks on either Metal Mania: Stripped album (both of which I highly recommend -- they're not 100% amazing, but there's more than enough there that you'll want to listen to every day for the rest of your life), you know that Tom Keifer can no longer sing like that at all. They try to cover it up on the version of "Shake Me" by changing the song around completely, so it's like this sort of bluesy little ditty, but on "Don't Know What You've Got" the lack is hideously apparent.

It's very different from someone like for example Phil Lewis, who never did that different of a voice and so who sounds great now, as evidenced on these albums (the version of "Ballad of Jayne" is better than the original, and the acoustic version of "Sex Action" is friggin' awesome). I guess the exception to the rule would be Mark Slaughter, who can still do all the screams and growls on "Fly to the Angels." Go figure.

SUMMARY: This video could have been awesomer. For one, they could have let actual Mexicans into the Cine Maya, instead of the tepid all-white crowd they got for the video, who can't even handle clapping along. Also, why not throw in some Jonny Quest-esque shots of like, random jungle animals? You could have had like a jaguar jumping or an alligator going into water or something. That would have been cool. And for god's sake, just get these guys some blowdryers, some mousse, and some friggin' waterproof mascara! That's what I say.

P.S.: Arrested Development reference FTW!

KISS, "Tears Are Falling"

Paul Stanley's Playhouse

THE VIDEO Kiss, "Tears Are Falling," Asylum, 1985, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "You look at me with your eyes in tears / and then it's raining / looks like it's raining / oh no / tears are falling"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with two images flashing back and forth in rapid succession: a waifish looking video girl (come to think, she looks just like a less babe-a-licious version of the girl in Danzig's "Mother") looks into the camera, crying; and Paul Stanley's neon gloved jazz hands. This is the backdrop to the song's heavy guitar opening, which continues as we hear Paul go "ah!" and then see a weird, sepia-tone shot of him reacting as if (verbally, if not physically) slapped.

Next we see the girl in her house, also sepia-tone. It looks like the kind of place the Mystery Inc. gang always find themselves in on Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?. All of her furniture -- a loveseat, several chairs, a small coffee table -- is covered with sheets, and the back wall is all huge windows which are covered with gauzy curtains. She jumps up and starts tearing down the curtains, pulling their rods down and everything, and as she runs across the room we can see a non-sepia-tone Paul peeing in the corner. On second thought, he's probably just standing facing the corner with his hands at his waist -- but see, you can see why I made that mistake.

Anyway, as she pulls the curtains down, it lets light in but also makes an insane amount of dust go everywhere (maybe the sheets were on because her floors were being sanded? But I think you'd have to just move the furniture out for that). As she nears him, full-color Paul whips his head around and the song begins in earnest.

First we see Paul onstage. He's wearing a neon pink jacket covered in some sort of pink and orange frippery and boasting enormous shoulder pads over a low-cut yellow tank top (the jacket makes me think of the old Shawn Michaels tag team The Rockers). He also has on neon green fingerless gloves with long yellow fringe hanging from them. Whoa. He's also wearing a lot of makeup -- but no, this is 1985, remember, so I don't mean KISS makeup. I mean regular lipstick.



Gene is next, but his outfit goes by a little too fast for me -- it's much darker, gold, burgundy, purple, etc., and if I had to do a word association to describe his outfit I'd say King Tut, since he's all bejeweled and wearing a big flat collar/necklace thing. Their most recent addition, guitarist Bruce Kulick, has on a tent-like red top, and Eric Carr has (as per always) giant, giant hair and an almost equally giant feathered earring. He's wearing a turquoise jacket, yellow and red belts (or sashes?), and purple pants. This sounds like an outfit I would have chosen for myself in 1985, so I'll allow it.

As Paul continues to sing and gesture dramatically (he's not miming, but enthusiastically pointing at the camera a lot, if you see what I'm saying), we see a tear run down the young lady from the beginning of the video's cheek. It falls into a cup of coffee, causing both cup and saucer to explode. Gene gives us a wink as we move into the chorus, and there we are.

The first chorus gives us our first real look at the set, which I have avoided talking about thus far because it's a real beaut. I'll try to get in all in in under a bajillion words. Kiss are on a stage that's about a 3' high platform made to look like it's made of rock. (To avoid lengthy explanations like this for the rest of this video, let me just use quotes -- imagine me making those stupid finger quotes -- whenever I am trying to say something is mad fake). The platform is surrounded by a "moat" of dry, flat blue plastic which has a few more "rocks" scattered around it. "Jungle vines" and "rope bridges" crisscross the stage, and there are some "plants" back by Eric. Behind him, there's a small "volcano." The backdrop for the set is sort of a red and black "sunset" thing.

Since the backdrop doesn't even wrap around the entire stage, let alone the entire set, I'd like to think it's kind of tongue-in-cheek, "look, we're on a silly set," but based on Paul's outfit I'm going to venture a no. Also, before I forget -- there are a bunch of TVs scattered all around the set showing static, including a whole bunch hanging from the ceiling back by the "volcano". All of these different pieces move around all the damn time thoughout the video for an overall effect that can be easily described in two words (or rather, two compound words) -- Pee-wee's Playhouse.



Anyway. It's Kiss without their makeup so, I know, enough kicking them while they're down. Besides, at the end of the chorus Paul does a little dance and we get to see that he's wearing some pretty hot multicolored boots. Let's move on. We see a couple more "tears" on the sternum of the girl, then as we get into the second verse Paul actually does start miming. He mimes "pulling a rope" while he sings "hold you near," then claps his hand against his chest for "heartbeat" when he sings "your hearrrrrt."

Next we see him kneeling in the "jungle" and rubbing his cheek as if rubbing away a tear in a dismissive manner (a precursor to Ozzy's attitude in "No More Tears"?). Then we look at everyone in the band as they lean on each other and sing along, and a second "tear" joins the first on the girl's sternum (there was some liquor ad last year that used this image exactly, and I found it unappealing then too -- I can't remember who it was, unfortunately. I think a liquer thing, might have been Disaronno or Baileys).

Second chorus, we get another pulled-back shot of the set, and the girl's pulling down her curtains again. We watch Kiss dance and sing a bunch (Paul's really going to town with the "wooo-ooooh-ooooh-ooohhhhhhoohhh") then we see a "tear" run down the girl's knee, which is oddly a little hairy. Then "tears" run down the side of a guitar, and a curtain or piece of fabric is pulled away to reveal -- um, a showerhead. And so yes, if you were wondering, does Bruce go on to play the song's solo in an "outdoor jungle shower", the answer is yes.

We see the girl kneeling in some "fog," then get an amazing close-up of Paul's yellow shirt. It turns out its actually completely sequined/beaded and decorated with black, orange, blue, pink, and deeper yellow zigzags. Whoa. He's also pounding his chest again ("heartbeat"). A "tear" falls from the girl's face, and Bruce musters some guitar face, even though he's pretty soaked. Then we see Paul's shirt again. He's holding his pouffy jacket open to show it off. I wonder if he still owns it -- that must be a heck of thing to run across in your closet.



As Gene and Paul sing, the girl leans backward into the fog. Then, inexplicably, and proving without a doubt that Kiss are either a) taking themselves very, very seriously or b) not, we see that Paul has climbed one of the "rope bridges" and is swinging across the set on one of the "jungle vines." Then the "volcano" "erupts." Kiss dance in front of it while a tear slides down the top of the girl's foot. Then Paul, jacket and shirt-less, leaps with legs akimbo over Bruce and Gene.

After a little more clowning around with the band, the video ends with the girl lying on her covered loveseat as her curtains magically return to their original positions. We see her hand turn off a light switch, then as the light bulb turns on it starts pouring, yes, inside the room, as she's lying on the divan. As the camera approaches the girl, we see Paul's face superimposed. He's using his index fingers to mime "windshield wipers" in front of his eyes.

THE VERDICT Well. I'll be the first to admit that this is the hardest I've been on a video to date, but I would also have to say that this video seems to have been asking for it. The main problem? Kiss. Before you freak out, let me explain.

If "Tears Are Falling" was a song by any other band, it'd be a pretty good song -- maybe even a pretty great song. But Kiss are doing it, not, say, Pretty Boy Floyd (just to use a random example -- and yes, I can't find an even semi-legit link for them), which puts it in the context of other Kiss songs ("Strutter," "I Love it Loud," "Calling Dr. Love," to name some of my favorites), not Pretty Boy Floyd songs ("I Wanna Be With You," "Set the Night On Fire," e.g.). Do you see how this begins to be an unfavorable comparison? If a band like Pretty Boy Floyd had done this song, it would easily be the best song that they'd ever done. But since Kiss are doing it, and up till this point most Kiss songs are pretty good (we're still a couple of years away from "God Gave Rock N Roll to You" and "Crazy Nights"), this is a pretty bad Kiss song. But it's an even worse Kiss video.

Admittedly, unlike all of these other bands, Kiss are not products of the music video era -- they're precursors to it. That said, they definitely aren't (or weren't, I guess) at any point amateurs when it comes to manipulating their image, a point which only leads me to the greater question of why'd they ever lose the makeup, but that's one I'm not even going to touch. This does, however, explain why in their videos from the 80s Paul suddenly appears to be the band's unequivocal leader (just look at Gene -- that's why).

Paul's by far the most video-friendly band member, and in this video (and basically all of them) he's front and center, pouting and posing the whole time. He's also the only one shown with the woman in this video, implying it's a story about him (although based on his exaggerated pantomimes -- "Oh! I'm so sad for you"-- he seems pretty unsympathetic). Does any of this explain his excessively dandaical costumery? Well, no. Nothing really can, so we'll just have to accept the whole thing as something that seemed like a good idea at the time (just like taking off the makeup).