Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman"

Cowboys and Tarzans and Napoleon, Oh My!  

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman," Diver Down, 1982, Warner Bros. SAMPLE LYRIC "Oh you look love-ly, as you could beee / are you lonely just, like meeeeeee? / [Growl]" 

THE VERDICT Van Halen's first video that isn't just performance taped for Musikladen or one of those kinds of shows, and zoinks, it's a total WTF-fest. I find a lot of people aren't familiar with it unless they're either a) serious David Lee Roth fans or b) serious viewers of Vh-1 classic, since MTV wouldn't air it back in the day. 

Considering that by their fourth album you'd assume Van Halen were making decent music video money, this low-budget weird-off makes no sense. Seriously, it's like the Manos, The Hands of Fate of music videos. 

Lord only knows where this was filmed. I'm guessing it's winter in California — there aren't leaves on the trees, but there are leaves on everything else, and it looks sunny but kinda cold, so we'll go with SoCal winter. The main action appears to take place in I don't even know what — a ghost town? A long-abandoned girl-scout camp? Seriously, I've got nothing here. 

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I should note that in a bizarre touch, the video starts not just with the camera panning around this strange landscape, but also by establishing what we're watching (something you almost never see, except in much later high-end rap videos, where it's usually meant more to imitate movies). First we see "Van Halen" written in giant stone letters, a la Monty Python's Life of Brian logo. Then we get "in", done in Western-looking rope letters. Finally, "Pretty Woman," done tiki-style. These type treatments give us some idea of the narrative consistency to come. 

With the song's lengthy instrumental opening, we move through this weird empty town (or whatever it is) to find a very slim woman in a white dress, nylons, gold heels, and a white headband who has been bound by her hands between two posts. She's struggling, and being aggressively fondled by a pair of little men who appear to be clad in red long underwear. I want to say this is the weirdest part of the video, but honestly it's probably not. It is, however, the part that MTV was not down with at the time.

 

We then go inside one of the shacks, where the little-person-bondage action is playing on a TV set that's covered in sort of security guard detritus (a bunch of empty coffee cups, what appears to be a plate of partially-eaten chicken). There's a little Quasimodo-type guy dressed in colorful clothing watching the TV from across the room. He jumps up and races toward the camera, and we see him bending in to twist knobs (as if we were behind the TV's screen). 

Some people claim it's David Lee Roth playing the hunchback, but I think that's just 'cause both make exaggerated faces. The hunchback sort of freaks out and spins across his little garbage-strewn room (which is illuminated by a bare light bulb — weird that it's this crap-looking but still has full-color surveillance capabilities, isn't it?). He climbs up a very rustic-looking ladder — apparently he has a better view of the lady being tortured from his second floor than he does from his TV. 

He runs back downstairs and — of course — gets on the phone. 'Cause yeah, even though based on the buildings' appearances this place wouldn't even have running water, they have electricity and phone service. Who ya gonna call? (Oh crap, now I'm gonna have the Ghostbusters theme stuck in my head all day. Whatever, I've brought it on myself.) 

Anyway, he calls Michael Anthony, who's elaborately dressed as a Samurai. This video is Michael Anthony's golden hour. Normally he kind of reminds me of George Costanza, but in this video he is almost reminiscent of Chris Pratt. And not of Chris Pratt as Che, the final nail in The O.C.'s coffin, but as Andy Dwyer, the swoon-worthy buffoon on my beloved Parks and Recreation. 

Anyway, Michael Anthony is standing next to a concrete wall and a bored-looking palomino horse, practicing swinging his sword around and yelling. He notices his phone — since of course, he also has a phone right there — and picks up, we assume talking to the hunchback. He puts on a hat and heads for the horse.

 

Next Quasimodo calls Alex Van Halen. Wow. Now speaking of being in your magic hour. This video is definitely Alex's finest moment. He looks like some kind of sexy Jeff Goldblum here, glad in a tiger-skin loincloth. He's squatting on top of a zebra skin in a reed hut, surrounded by random bones and, naturally, a phone. He's also wearing aviator sunglasses and a big necklace. Alex picks up the phone, doesn't say anything, and just throws the phone aside, runs out of his hut, and gives a big Tarzan yell. 

We then cut to Eddie Van Halen, already on the phone. He's a cowboy, sitting beside the remains of a campfire. Eddie has on a Richie Sambora-style black, flat-top cowboy hat, a red bandanna, black vest, one black glove (why?), and what appear to be black leather pants. He finishes his call, throws his cigarette into the fire, and then his stunt double does some gun-twirling (I mean, if Ed were doing it himself, we'd probably see more than just his hand in the shot, right?). 

And speaking of stunt doubles — we then see "Michael Anthony" riding his horse. Later we also get shots of "Eddie Van Halen" riding his horse through some water — they don't mess around here, putting a bandanna over the rider's face. 

But we must set that aside for a moment, because, at last, David Lee Roth has entered the video. And of course, is Diamond Dave squatting outside in the dirt? Oh hell no. He is sitting at a long tale in a fancy, formal dining room, and he is dressed as (naturally) Napoleon Bonaparte. He's writing in a ledger with a feather pen when suddenly he pauses, and — we cut to Alex running through a field. 

Oh, but then we're back with Dave. He's making a studiedly expressionless face while on the phone. And his phone is red — he couldn't even have the same phone as the other guys. Dave stands up, and then we see him walking through his giant house, which has an elaborate checkerboard floor. 

Suddenly, it's night, and the lady in white is still battling the little people. One is now wearing sunglasses and a Native American-style feathered headdress, while the other has on a cape and a top hat. Eddie, Alex, and Michael simultaneously walk up to face this little scene. 

Their arrival greatly alarms the little people, who let the woman go momentarily. Somehow in the confusion of all these reaction shots, the woman is suddenly untied, though she doesn't run toward the band, she just kind of jumps around.

 

Next thing you know, a white stretch limo comes roaring in through the fog (which has also mysteriously suddenly appeared). The Quasimodo guy (who was driving it?) runs around to open the passenger door, and of course, you know it's Dave. Too good for a plain phone, too good for a horse. I know I sound like I'm being harsh on DLR, but if you read this at all regularly, you know the man is like my patron saint, so I say these things in love. 

Dave looks at everyone else in the band, then sort of makes this lascivious chin jerk at the camera. Even keeping as much of a straight face as he does in this video, Dave still manages to throw off a slutty vibe. Then he turns, somewhat alarmed. 

Why? Because we've hit what may be the weirdest part of the video. The untied woman runs toward him, and as she does, she pulls off her hair and headband — apparently it was a wig. Not only that, but her face is ghastly pale, and her eyes appear sunken. She walks toward the camera, smirks, and — so wait, is she dead? Is she a zombie? No wait, on closer examination — is that a dude? WTF is up with this video? 

So, so many questions, and basically no answers. If I had to put where I liked this video, I'd still put it behind the late version Roy Orbison made (since obviously music videos weren't a thing in 1964), but well ahead of the Julia Roberts hooker-princess movie. 

P.S.: It was either this title or "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!", and quite frankly, I get enough hits from people searching for p*rn as it is.

Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills"

Another Awkward Thanksgiving...  

THE VIDEO Iron Maiden, "Run to the Hills," The Number of the Beast, 1982, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Run to the hills / run for your liiii-iiii-iiives! / Run to the hills / run for your liiiiiiiiii-iiiiiiiiiives!" 

THE VERDICT It's Thanksgiving again, and since I publish my posts on Thursday and Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday, well, you'll have to endure another Thanksgiving-related post. Naw, I like doing themed posts! Everyone's in the holiday mood anyway (okay, readers in the U.S. are in the holiday mood maybe), but I don't know. I just like it. It feels timely, even if I'm writing about videos that are more than twenty years old. 

https://ironmaiden.com/

As per last year, since there aren't really metal songs about the Puritans, I've gone with a native American theme yet again. But this year I decided to go a bit more overtly topical — instead of just "Cherokeeeeee! Ohh!" we get an actual song about colonization. I know, it's still not Thanksgiving per se, but we're getting closer. 'Cause really, think about it — if any metal band is going to have a song about colonization, it's going to be Iron Maiden. 

If I had to guess, given their interest in British history I would suppose they have a lot of songs about colonization. If this is as close as we get, this is as close as we get (though maybe next year I'll try to dig up something related to the Salem witch trials so it's at least closer to being about the right century). In any event though, I'm going straight to the obvious — "Run to the Hills," which, if not in my opinion one of their best songs, is certainly one of their best known songs. 

If you know one Iron Maiden song, it's probably "Run to the Hills." (If you know two songs you know this and "The Number of the Beast," if you know three it's those and the borderline-cheesy "Two Minutes to Midnight"). If you're under 21, I have a bad feeling you know these from Guitar Hero and/or Rock Band, but that's another story. 

This video is split fifty-fifty more or less between the band performing and an old movie. I'll get to the latter in a minute, but first let's talk about the band. This video is pretty low budget — yes, the band's on a stage, but it's completely dark around them. Even though it looks like a live setup, they don't even try to pretend there's a crowd.

 

Nothing much is going on with the stage itself — there's a neat row of Marshall amps lining the entire back of the stage, and there are rows of colored lights above (one color per row). It's all very tidy. In general though, it's pretty decontextualized — they don't try to convince us it's a concert, or that they're in an empty warehouse, or anything like that. 

One of the weirder things about the performance footage is who gets shown during it. I would break it down approximately as follows: Bruce Dickinson 70%; the about-to-leave-the-band Clive Burr a bizarre 15%; Adrian Smith 10%; Dave Murray 3%; Steve Harris 2%. 

I mean yeah, obviously it's going to be a lot of glamour shots of Bruce. I mean that hair. If I looked that good in bangs I'd have them all the time. And those layers! I mean no matter how much he sweats they have just perfect lift and separation. I have a similar length, color, and texture, and trust me, my hair doesn't look half that good most of the time when I'm just sitting around, let alone were I to be like, screaming my lungs out under a bunch of hot lights. 

Anyway, without going on too long about Bruce (those lips!), it makes sense they show him a lot. This album is his big debut, and this song really shows off his vocal range. Why there are such a large number of shots of then-drummer Clive Burr is a bit more curious. I mean, sure, they went to the trouble to set up a camera to the left of the drum kit, but nothing's really happening back there. It's a little weird. 

And speaking of a little weird — there are like ten shots of Adrian for every one shot of Steve or Dave! I mean Steve Harris wrote the damn song. And as I always say, Dave Murray looks like a friendly cat. Nonetheless, those two have an impossible time getting on camera in this video — in general, you'll only see Steve or Dave if at least one other person is in the shot, whereas like you'll see loads of Adrian Smith just standing there. 

The other most notable thing about this video is, of course, the fashion. I feel like these were their favorite outfits at the time, because you see a lot of old promo photos of the boys wearing this stuff. It's also all the same clothes as the ones we see in "The Number of the Beast". In particular, Steve Harris seems to have really liked that referee-looking vest he has on.

 

But okay, what most people remember about this video isn't the band's performance — it's the bizarre old movie that takes up half the video. So the song itself is a sort of pastiche of native American history — it explicitly references the Cree, but I think that's just 'cause it rhymes with "free." 

Other than that, it's nonspecific to any one tribe's experiences — western imagery, alcoholism, theft, rape, etc. — though you can find people who'll argue it's about one particular conflict or another. Anyway, given that the song takes on fairly serious subject matter, and given that there were only about a zillion movies made covering this sort of territory, who knows exactly how Maiden wound up with a weird parody. But let's go with it. 

The film we're seeing is actually a short from the early 20s called The Uncovered Wagon, which is a parody of a silent film called The Covered Wagon from the same year. 

The Covered Wagon is a pretty straightforward early Western — a wagon train goes west, native Americans attack, white people prevail. Oh, and there's a love triangle. It's based on a western novel of the same name from 1922. It must have been pretty popular, because The Uncovered Wagon isn't even the only parody of it. 

I can't find out much about The Uncovered Wagon beyond what we see in the video. It appears to be more or less a similar scenario, but done in a slapstick way. (The star, James Parrott, was better known for directing Laurel and Hardy shorts). Toward the beginning, we see an ersatz native American applying makeup from a tin labeled "rouge." Instead of horse-drawn wagons, the settlers are driving cars with canopies over them — and rather than riding horses, the tribesmen have bicycles. As they exchange fire, we see lots of goofy things happen — settlers yanking arrows out of their butts, the faux native Americans doing pratfalls, etc. 

Anyway, it's sort of a weird choice for such a serious song. I mean even though the song sounds kind of joyful or exuberant, if you listen to the lyrics it's like "we've already been screwed in every possible way, and we're probably all about to die." The lyrics don't really go with such a goofy movie. The movie clips remind me of Don Martin cartoons in MAD magazine — he often used Old West tropes. 

Who knows though. Maybe Maiden just picked it because it does seem to prominently feature several shots of actors dressed as native Americans literally running to the hills. 

Sort of like how I picked this video because it fits, however awkwardly, with it being Thanksgiving, and my annual "let's remember the Pilgrims were not the first U.S. residents" message.

Megadeth, "Foreclosure of a Dream"

American Dreamin'  

THE VIDEO Megadeth, "Foreclosure of a Dream," Countdown to Extinction, 1992, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Foreclosure of a dream / those visions never seen / until all is lost, personal holocaust / foreclosure of a dream" 

THE VERDICT Given that it's election week (though by the time I've put this up Election Day will be past us, and as I write this now it's still a few weeks away), I figured that yes, I would go all political on you this week. 

I don't like to do it — mainly because metal is (believe it or not, despite all the PMRC antics!) a very conservative genre, and I am emphatically not conservative. But given everything that's going on, I figured a more subdued mood might be appropriate. 

Hence, I decided to turn to Megadeth, as out of every metal rocker of whose politics I am aware, Dave Mustaine's are closest to mine. [NOTE FROM 2020: Let's remember that I wrote this blog post in 2010, before Dave Mustaine lost his freaking mind. I can't even bring myself to link to his FOX interviews post-Trump. Just recall that back in 2010, to me he was still the guy who covered the DNC for MTV News.] 

I mean face it, the other choices are like Ted Nugent and Gene Simmons, and they're pretty far right. If I had to guess what other metalheads might be on the left, I'd have to go with the guys in Anthrax.

But for real, it turns out I haven't written about a Megadeth video for the past five years. Can we also mention that Dave's gorgeous (still!) and from the San Diego area? But okay, okay, I know. I said I was going to try to be more serious this week. But for real, that hair! Those lips! Can we mention also that he owns horses? 

 Okay, I'm really stopping now, because we live in depressing-ass times [NOTE: Again, I wrote this in 2010, which from the POV of 2020 looks like a banner year], and this is one depressing-ass video. Videos like this one are the reason why authors who write about heavy metal always have to be like "Well, it's mostly apolitical except" and then mention Megadeth. 

So what, exactly do we have here? This is a song that, unfortunately, probably way too many people can relate to right about now. Though I think Megadeth are describing a more general, metaphorical foreclosure of the American dream, the video actually begins by dramatizing an actual, non-metaphorical foreclosure. We see an older white couple — think an up-to-date "American Gothic" — sitting by as their home and possessions are auctioned off.

 

They're sitting in a black armchair that is, for whatever reason, the key visual motif in this video. Dave's sitting in it too the first time we see him, and as we move through the video, we see more and more different Americans sitting in the chair in different settings. 

Dave's got a goatee in this video, and lord knows I am not a fan of facial hair, but I can ignore it. Why? Because by god does that man have some amazing non-facial hair on his head. 

Anyway, who else is in the chair? A trio of Black women beside a bombed-out tenement. A couple of Native American dudes who have for some reason brought a tipee to a strip mall. Some white people on Fremont Street in Vegas. An old white lady in a vacant lot. They seem to like the Vegas location though — we keep cutting back to it, first just to the neon lights, then to a bunch of tourists taking photos. 

In case it's not obvious how foreclosures wind up happening (or where credit card debt comes from), we see a rancher-looking guy sitting in front of a sign that reads "BUY Now PAY Later." Hmm, maybe that's the metaphor of this video — we bought into the American Dream, and now we're paying for it? Though given what happens later in the video, I would actually guess Megadeth are chastising us for having bought into twelve years' worth of Reaganomics. 

I always can't get over how high budget this video is for Megadeth, especially given the late date. Despite the whole grunge thing, it's clear their label really believed in them. Goodness knows I did at the time, desperately as I tried to hide it! (It was definitely not cool to still be into metal at my ultra-preppy middle school, with the exception of Bon Jovi who got a pass.)

 

I mean in general, Megadeth's few videos seem more professionally done than those of many other bands. But in particular, given that this is the 90s, their label is really still putting money behind them. I mean just the number of actors in this video is humongous compared to your average metal clip. Not to mention the number of different locations where parts of this video were shot — even if they aren't flying the same people (or the same chair!) around, hiring a crew in a dozen cities isn't exactly cheap. 

In addition to the chair stuff, we see Megadeth playing the song in a weird space not unlike where they play in the "Hangar 18" video. Grated metal floor, really dark, metal walls, with random bluish spotlights highlighting the band members as they play. 

The spotlights turning on and off backlight them and as per the usual in this kind of video, make it a little hard to see anyone except Dave Mustaine. I mean based on his silhouette, Marty Friedman could be Jake E. Lee for all we can tell. The weird camera angles (up through the floor, down from the ceiling) don't exactly help the situation. 

The spotlights do help them, I guess, to transition between scenes. Often a spotlight will bleach out the screen, and then next thing you know instead of looking at Dave Ellefson (who really you can barely see in this video he's so backlit) you're looking at someone in the chair. 

Seriously, everywhere from Vegas to Mt. Rushmore to the White House to the Grand Canyon! There's also a pretty long sequence involving the Vietnam Veterans' Memorial — so again, the treatment of Vietnam veterans upon returning home, another instance of people being sold out by the government. (See also Poison, "Something to Believe In.") 

Hmm, what isn't Dave Mustaine getting at with this song? Seriously. Dave even gets all dramatic and does the Undertaker's throat-slitting gesture at this part. (I know, that's been around way before the Undertaker and has wider applicability, but whatever, it makes me think of the Undertaker!) 

Toward the end of this song, we get a spoken word interlude courtesy of George H.W. Bush — the "read my lips, no new taxes" thing. We see Bush on a TV in the window of a pawn shop, where two guys are walking out who appear to have just bought the armchair from this video.

 

This rings a little weird for me. I mean, I get it — the whole point of this song is promises broken, right? The American dream has become tarnished, or possibly we are delinquent in our payments toward it, or whatever. But I don't know. 

Based on what I know of Mustaine's politics [See all notes above!], he would favor some amount of taxation as necessary for allowing the state to provide services and for alleviating inequality. Then again, he probably would also favor a progressive tax that taxes the wealthy more heavily than the types of people they show in this video. 

Anyway, even though it's a) a catchy campaign phrase and b) something Bush senior reneged on, it doesn't work as well for me as say, Ministry's George H.W. Bush sampling in "N.W.O." ("a new world order," "what we are looking at is good and evil, right and wrong"). Yes, in many ways the "N.W.O." video (which isn't on YouTube?!) is a retread of Megadeth's own "Peace Sells" video, but the point is, I think the Bush stuff is used to better effect there. 

Long story short, I'm not 100% sure what's going on here. It's political commentary, yes, but let's face it — it's political commentary in a music video, and this is no "Who Cares Wins" (in other words, it's not like "let me explain this social problem to you"). 

At the end of the video, Dave Mustaine gets out of the chair. What does that mean? Move to Canada? Interestingly now, if you look at the lyrics, it would be really, really easy to turn this song into a song about bailouts. And before you go all crazy on me, let's remember what president got the whole bailout ball rolling. (Hint: It wasn't Obama.) 

P.S.: The national debt clock in the video says our national debt is $4,018,392,803. How quaint! As of my writing this, it's $13,605,571,600,000-ish dollars. Yeah the last six digits were going up so quickly I couldn't even keep pace with it long enough to finish typing the number. I'm not very good at adjusting for inflation, but so far as I can tell the 1992 amount of debt from this video would still be just $6,068,286,642. in 2010 dollars. Um... yikes. 

P.P.S.: Since I keep commenting from 2020, I might as well mention that the national debt as I'm writing this is about $26.6 trillion dollars, so that's roughly double what it was when I wrote this post almost 10 exactly years ago (not accounting for inflation, which is just... I can't).

Winger, "Can't Get Enuff"

Why Yes, Those Are Bugle Boy Jeans He's Wearing
THE VIDEO Winger, "Can't Get Enuff," In the Heart of the Young, 1990, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I can't get enuff of you baby / I can't get enuff, it's neverrr enu-uuh-uhhh-uffff / I can't get enuff, I'm still hunnngrrraaayy / so baby give it up, cuz I can't get enuff!"

THE VERDICT The high here today was supposed to be in the mid 60s, but instead its in the 80s. Burning sun, dripping sweat, exposed skin ... ew pervs, I'm not describing my life, I'm talking about this Winger video!

Winger is a band I'm constantly on the fence about, and "Can't Get Enuff" is one of the songs that I place on the "Cons" side of the ledger. It does little to disabuse one of the notion of Kip Winger as more than vaguely sleazy, and their songs as overproduced. I know, I know, musicianship, training, blablabla, but can't you feel like if they're really that talented they'd be able to get away from making songs like this?

That said, this isn't their worst song (to my mind, that's actually "Seventeen"), it's just far from their best. Though it does have some elements I like (especially the "Hey hey!"), it has many bits that are pure cheese (whatever those weird chimes are toward the beginning, the parts of the chorus where it sounds like they've slowed Kip's voice down a half-step, the actual lyrical content).



And what is it with metal bands and spelling "ough" as "uff"? I have an amazing Winger t-shirt from their tour for the first album, and on the back it announces them "Too Tuff To Tame" (this shirt is so awesome no one's even selling one like it on eBay so I can show you a picture -- but suffice to say I have the one with pictures of the band members on it, not the tour dates one). But it's not just Winger -- you've got Enuff Z'nuff (lord knows I always harp on them), Tuff, etc. I guess it fits in with having egregious double letters in your name, which lord knows metal bands like too (e.g. Ratt, Rough Cutt, etc).

Back to the video! Okay not back, because I've barely talked about it. To the video! This video is basically an incredible time capsule of everything white people thought was sexy in 1990. We've got shirtless guys in mirrored sunglasses and mullets, women in halter tops and high-waisted bottoms, and motorcycles. Look at any man in this video, and you can be pretty damn sure those are Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing. Look at any woman in this video, and you can't be sure whether that's meant to be a shirt or a bra. And we've got all these seduction scenarios going on that are straight out of a made-for-Cinemax-after-10-pm masterpiece -- people eating fruit, in a boxing gym, playing pool, etc. while constantly throwing the bone eye at each other.



I also like how nothing in this has continuity or makes sense -- kind of reminds me of a perfume ad, but I think this would be an ad for Designer Imposters. Why do those guys have surfboards when everything in this video leads us to believe we're in the desert? If that woman is sweating so darn hard, why is she wearing a leather jacket with her bra/top? Also what is up with exhaust fans in like every video ever in the late 80s/ early 90s? Seriously, from Tesla to Milli Vanilli, y'all.

Compared to other Winger videos, this is almost all Kip Winger. The rest of the boys are barely visible, as we're too busy with close-ups of Kip's face, or of him walking around putting the smallest amount of effort possible into pretending to play his bass (e.g., using only his right hand). He also gets to show off a lot of that ballet training, with a number of honestly quite graceful spins and swoops, as well as the requisite arching his back absurdly far. He even puts in some David Lee Roth-esque high kicks. I bet he's good at yoga. All the swinging and flashing lights don't make it any easier to tell what the heck is going on -- backlit, everyone in Winger is the same curly-haired dude.



You'd think the strobe-lit woman crawling on a pool table would be the pinnacle of cheese in this video -- we can't even see Reb Beach's guitar solo, because we're too busy getting something that looks like a cross between "Enter Sandman" and a Slaughter video. Is the strobe light meant to imply this is a fantasy sequence? This entire video is made up of fantasy sequences!!

But if you're thinking this, you obviously haven't made it up to the "sexy photo booth" scene. That one really takes the cake, as the guy has to mimic emotions from "disbelief" to "flustered arousal" while the woman makes exactly one face ("sexy pouting") throughout. Also, if it's that darn hot, why on earth is she wearing stockings? Ugh, just contemplating all that thigh sweat is grossing me out.

I don't know if it's warm enough here for me to want to tackle my boyfriend on top of a bunch of grapes (are those people vintners? Why on earth would anyone buy that many grapes at once?), but suffice to say it was warm enough for me to think of Winger. And while I often feel I can get enuff of this song, I will say the video has brought considerable amusement to my afternoon.

Ratt, "Wanted Man"

Home, Home on the Strange

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Wanted Man," Out of the Cellar, 1984, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "And by the ro-oh-ope / you will hang / it's your neck / from this Ratt ga-aaaannnnnnnnnng / 'cause I'mmm / a wanted may-an-an"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with Stephen Pearcy and Juan Croucier silhouetted by a spotlight onstage from far away. This zooms out three times as a still shot before it finally starts moving and we hear the crowd cheering. The band takes a bow, and we hear a man's voice saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please" while we suddenly switch to a shot of Ratt's tour bus from the outside, then inside, a not-so-fat looking Robbin Crosby lying down and looking at the camera like he’s really out of it.

The man's voice continues, "I have a special message from Atlantic Records for Ratt," and we see, from inside and then outside of the tour bus, people running up to greet it, then Stephen backstage at a concert dancing around with a fan-made Ratt banner. A marquee (for some place with the word "Bronco" in the name) says "Ratt in concert." Stephen and Bobby Blotzer shake hands with each other in front of the Ratt banner. As bikini-clad women carrying gold records walk onstage, the man's voice says, "Congratulations, your album has just sold one million, five hundred thousand records!" Robbin and Stephen embrace the women, and Warren DeMartini gestures at his as the crowd goes wild.

We then hear a different man's voice say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Ratt!" as the boys triumphantly enter a um, mall. They walk by a Waldenbooks accompanied by uh, hopefully those are cops and not just mall security before taking their seats in front of a Camelot Music. A fan gives Warren a little teddy bear, and a girl with really cool red, white, and blue hair gets stuff signed while we hear a line from the song's chorus playing quietly in the background. We see Robbin signing an autograph from overhead while someone off camera slides a piece of paper into the shot that says "help!"



The tour bus travels on. Inside it we see Stephen holding a drink, then messing with one of his many earrings as we hear a woman's voice saying, "Wow, they're so wild in concert." Another woman laughs and says, "Oh, I lahk 'em all," and another says, "I like the way they dress" as the camera focuses on Warren, who’s wearing a Clockwork Orange t-shirt under a black leather vest. Stephen pretends he's going to eat the earring he just took off. The southern-sounding girl goes, "They look goood, and all the girls were just going crazy 'cause they're just so heavy metal and hardcore" (at least I think this is what she says). We see Robbin (no longer looking slim) passed out, and the bus driver, a skinny older dude with a beard and a Harley Davidson t-shirt.

Next, randomly, we see a cowboy dude nailing a sign up to a board that says "Bulletins," then we see the tour bus pulling into an Old West style town. A mean looking cowboy spits from chewing tobacco, and as we hear wind blowing we see random shots of the desolate looking town.

The band step off the bus, and Stephen says, "What a trip. Think we can get something to eat around here?" Robbin replies, "Let's check this place out, looks like a bar," and Bobby chimes in with, "That ain't no bar, that's a saloon!" while flexing in a most unflattering way. They swing open the doors, and the saloon is completely empty. Juan says, "Wow, this looks just like the Old West!" Off-camera, someone says something unintelligible, to which Bobby replies, "Right, man." We see a Clint Eastwood looking old dude who appears to be in the bar, although it's unclear where, then someone says (again, off camera, otherwise I'd know who it was), "I always wanted to be a cowboy," and another replies "Me too" as the song begins.



Flashpots go off at a Ratt concert, and in the distance we see the members of Ratt, now on horseback and dressed as old-timey cowboys. Shots of them riding slowly toward the camera (with Bobby obviously unable to control his horse even at a walk) are interspersed with concert footage. After Stephen screams "Wanted man!" and jumps around onstage a bunch, we are suddenly back in the saloon, which is still poorly lit (what did they not even have candles in the old west?) but is now crowded with Western folk (crusty-looking dudes, women in showgirl dresses, etc.).

The Clint Eastwood guy nods, and we can see his opponent's hand (a pair of twos and three aces). He looks skeptical and shuffles, then a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold type comes down the stairs. We see a bunch of the guy shuffling the cards, then that woman (who on second thought seems more like a madam) starts working the room. She pulls off a guy who's going too nuts on one of her girls. Then we get some concert shots of an extra-bony looking Warren, which you know I love, followed by some more live stuff of Stephen and the crowd.

Clint, who we now can see is also wearing a sheriff's badge, deals, and a random Old West hussy makes out with some guy. Clint peers over at the guy next to him's hand (which is still two twos and three aces) while noticing something off camera, and we see Ratt riding into town from behind. The guy who was putting up posters before turns around, and we see he's been using a gun as a hammer. Ratt ride into frame, all looking over dubiously. They stop, and Robbin spits. We see one of the posters the guy was hanging up (it's of Robbin in Old West gear) and it says "Wanted the Ratt Gang $10,000 Reward." Robbin and Bobby nod at each other, and the camera pans over to the poster of Stephen. Juan makes a face like he can't read the signs. The guy who was hanging the signs stares in terror, and backs off slowly then runs away.

Back in the saloon, the bartender talks to one of the ladies, who is sitting on the bar. A guy pours his drink into a woman's mouth, then attempts to lick up what she spilled, and the sheriff dude deals yet again. Ratt burst into the bar, which causes the men to just fall on the women for some reason, and the sheriff grins. Stephen, in concert, raises his arms triumphantly, and we stay with Ratt in concert for the rest of the chorus.



The men of the saloon grope the women, and soon enough it gets ugly as (I think) Bobby starts a brawl with one of them that lasts about two seconds (a punch gets thrown, someone gets tossed onto the table where they were playing cards). This causes Ratt (in concert) to gyrate wildly. We get a lot of low shots of Warren playing the solo, then some of Juan making silly faces and Robbin yelling.

As the solo wraps up, we see Old West Robbin looking around, then we see five men (with the sheriff in the middle) lining up to face Ratt in a shootout on the town's main street. The members of Ratt approach, and we see close-ups of different people's faces as they anticipate the duel. There's much trigger-touching, lip-licking, etc.

Ratt draw first, firing madly, while the Old West dudes seem more interesting in spinning their guns around on their fingers. We see random shots of Bobby looking particularly nervous, then Ratt fire more, and we see some shots that imply that the Old West guys get nailed. Suddenly, we see regular Bobby fall backward in a chair in the saloon. The other members of Ratt run over to help him up, and he shakes himself off, looking befuddled. He lets out a puff of smoke and we see that he is clenching a bullet between his teeth. A disgruntled looking Robbin wakes up on the bus and smacks at the camera, then there's a parting shot of the crowd going nuts, which zooms away into the middle of the screen. It was all a dream… or was it?



THE VERDICT Though I like this video (and I love this song), it has caused me much anguish. First, it has taken me four years to get around to adding in pics from the whole "Ratt on tour" prologue, since most versions you'll see have this edited out. This killed me enough that yes, I am adding this bit in now, four years after having originally posted this video. Second, I am greatly grieved by my uncertain identification of Robbin as the guy sleeping on the bus. 1) He looks a bit slim to be Robbin but at the same time 2) The only other person it could be is Bobby, and in the Old West segments of the video, he's got brown hair. Now we all know that 99% of the time Bobby is blonde, but does he really change hair color within the same video? It seems a bit preposterous. And the guy sleeping on the bus seems a bit too good-looking to be Bobby. But at the same time, he simply seems too slender to be Robbin. Sigh. I feel like I've failed you.

Anyway. About the video. If there's one thing that hard rockers love more than dressing up as pseudo-medieval warriors in a post-apocalyptic future (Armored Saint's "Can U Deliver," or Queensryche's "The Queen of the Reich," for example), it's dressing up as cowboys or, at the very least, visiting the Old West (W.A.S.P.'s "Blind in Texas," Van Halen's "Pretty Woman"). Or some combination of the two (Tesla's "Modern Day Cowboy"). Why might this be?

Well, it's not so much the idea of the cowboy per se but the idea of the outlaw that seems to be so appealing -- whether you're "Wanted: Dead or Alive" a la Bon Jovi or a member of "this Ratt gang," the idea is that the band members are outsiders, ne'er-do-wells who’ve come to town to take the women and shoot up the saloon. It doesn't take a genius (or someone with more than a passing acquaintance with heavy metal) to understand why this might be appealing. A huge thematic subgenre in metal concerns persecution, whether real or imagined (Keel's "The Right to Rock," Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" [and uh, most other TS songs], Judas Priest's "Parental Guidance"). Cowboy songs are the more fantastic corollary to the persecution songs --just one of metal's many forms of imagined revenge. The upside to all of this? I've got one word for you: Chaps.

W.A.S.P., "Wild Child"

Hell Yeah Blackie Lawless

THE VIDEO W.A.S.P. "Wild Child," The Last Command, 1985, Capitol

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm a wild child / come an' lovvve me / I want you-ouuuuuuu / my heart's in exxxile / I need you to touch me / 'cause I want what you do / I want you"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with a shot of the sun over umm, well, I don't know where but since I know "Blind in Texas" was filmed in Arizona we're going to guess that they were economizing and this was too. So yes, Arizona. The shot fades into Blackie Lawless, he of the most badass pseudonym ever, who is riding his chopper down some desolate road. I'd call it a highway but who am I kidding, it's two lanes wide. Anyway. He's very far away, but I still know it's him.

We cut to a quite voluptuous lady (think Delta Burke in the first season Designing Women -- then never think of the fact that I just used that as an example ever, ever again) standing on top of what for lack of better knowledge of desert geography I will call some Wile E. Coyote-lookin' rocks. She's wearing a red, filmy, carwash-strip jumpsuit (I'd call it a belted dress but it looks like it has legs) and holding some kind of tall staff with erm, feathers attached to it. Legs firmly planted and hand on hip, her expression says, "Come 'n' get me, Blackie. Good luck tying me to your stage set."

We then see him close up, sunglasses on, sans makeup and sawblades (and missing the gray highlights, come to think -- were those things clip on? Oh.my.god. Okay, must resist digression on fake hair. But let's just say I'm obsessed). Then we cut back to the lady again. But oh! She fades away into the rocks. Then we see Blackie from the side, and he drives off the screen as the song finally starts.

Now I only noticed this once I'd slowed it down to the frame-by-frame level, but in that first shot you can see his motorcycle parked next to their little uh, stage. In this video, the whole point is that W.A.S.P. are standing up on some serious Wile E. Coyote rocks -- I had always assumed they were quite far off the ground -- but this one shot shows that they are, in reality, at most ten feet off the ground. Actually, I just looked again. Make that five.

So yes, just to quickly describe the set -- W.A.S.P. are playing on top of a little mesa, or butte, or something, that's in front of a much larger wall of desert stone. One could say their only decoration is their metal "WASP" sign behind drummer Steve Riley, but then one would be ignoring the amount of costumery they're wearing, which is (as per always) near KISS levels.



We first get a good look at Mr. Lawless, who since parking his chopper has changed into quite the ensemble, plus added the aforementioned highlights and his spooky makeup (lotsa eyeliner, red lipstick). His bass looks sorta like an axe, black with a beveled silver edge. Next we go to guitarist Randy Piper -- no, not Rowdy Roddy Piper, this is Randy Piper. His guitar is also sort of x-shaped, and has a sort of 3D scary horned skull face (like Mr. Scary, only just a face). While his outfit is nowhere near as badass as the chainlink garter belts he sports in "I Wanna Be Somebody," Randy gets many extra points for the hand-to-hair pout for the camera. Paul Stanley would be proud.

Then we get a lot more Blackie, making dramatic gestures (rubbing face, "jazz hands") and running around a little in a camera-swinging-around shot that makes it look like the rocks they're on are really high up (they do a lot of filming them from below which also makes them look like they're on a ledge -- if they had just cut that one shot where you can see the damn motorcycle, the illusion would be complete). Next, however, comes another one of my all-time favorite moments in heavy metal videos (two in a row, following close on the heels of my last entry!). This would be when Blackie, Randy, and Chris Holmes all run to the front and a bunch of flashpots explode just as chorus begins. This is so badass!

Of course, Blackie starts really doing his dance, which is a sort of variation on the Axl dance -- instead of moving your hips, however, the Blackie dance involves moving your legs in a frantic jig. It's also the first time where you can really see what Blackie's got on down below -- moccasin-style fringed boots and tights (yes, tights -- they're sheer) with black, red, and tan long feathers down the sides (he's also got some in his hair). Whoa. Top that off with a black top that's been slit open in about a gajillion places (and ornamented at the cuffs with his famous circular saw blades) and you're all set. During the first big "I want youuu-ooooh" Randy points at the camera and touches his hair again (so very Paul Stanley, again), also proving that when you have two guitarists (or when you're just shakin' it for the camera), you're a lot more free to take your hands off your instrument.

Next we see guitarist Chris Holmes, who in this video (and most of their others) looks like Ozzy Osbourne but who in his infamous scene inThe Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (P.S.: I don't care for this review at all, but it's worth it for the movie quotes) looks like Chris Jericho. So yes, for better or for worse I am saying that this guys looks a lot better tanked and floating around in his mother's pool in leather pants than he does here.

Anyway, to try to avoid getting into a lengthy digression about the coolest movie ever made, I'll just say that he's wearing eyeliner and a black and red leathery costume that reminds me of what the Road Warriors used to wear. And I'm not just saying that as an excuse to make another wrestling reference! His guitar is the least theatrical of the three. It's the four-prong pointy shape that I'm sure there's a name for (the shape Metallica always use) in black with a red and yellow picture of some feathered wings on it.



Next we see the drummer, Steve Riley, and even though for the most part I'd say Blackie was constantly kicking people out of W.A.S.P. as an ego trip, in this case he was definitely justified. He taps away at the drums like a diligent typist and has amazing posture, which when you're trying to be like the most super badass band around are just not compliments.

Anyway, the video progesses. Randy keeps trying to be foxy, Blackie keeps trying to be scary, Chris, most likely, keeps trying not to fall of the rock. As the chorus wraps up, we see the road again, and that lady from the beginning is standing in the middle of it. Blackie drives down the road with his hair pulled back (and headlight on for safety) looking not unlike Mick Mars in his non-all-dolled-up guise. As the second verse of the song starts, the mystery lady disappears in a flash of well, flash. Like the scene transitions in the old Justice League cartoons.

The whole next verse features again, more of the same performance footage, then ends with another totally amazing moment (why they didn't bring in the flashpots again, we'll never know) as Randy, Blackie, and Chris jump off the rock. Not to belabor a point I've made a million times already, but this was a lot more badass when I didn't know they were just kind of hopping off of a little ledge. Then we have more Blackie dancing and Chris waving his guitar over his head (which I love). Randy even does the thing where he rubs his hair again, just to tie it all together.

As we go into the bridge, we're back on the road with Blackie. The sun goes down suddenly, and we see a weird umm... I'm going to venture a guess based on what I know about W.A.S.P. and call this a sacrificial altar-type place (perhaps an "Altar of Sacrifice"?). It's basically a bunch of sticks and stuff poked into the ground with skulls and stuff tied to them and a couple of little fires burning on the ground nearby. Blackie (hair once again resplendent) drives up for a closer look. He has a really weird expression on his face, like maybe his mouth is full of water or he's trying not to burp out loud. We then see the moon, then some close-ups of the skulls and masks and stuff tied to the poles.

That lady walks out again, and we see Blackie (maybe he's trying not to laugh?) again too. She walks into the middle of all the stuff, crosses her arms, then forcefully uncrosses them, causing some little fires to light up on the ground. Then she disappears in a puff of flames. Blackie screams, and his face as he closes his mouth again is, I'm afraid to say, unmistakably that of one trying to hold in laughter. He leans forward and drives his bike through all the stuff, causing it all to really light on fire.

We watch it all burn for a minute, then we're back with W.A.S.P. on their rock, and the flashpots do finally go off again, but now it's night so it's harder to see, making it a bit less badass. This also causes the frame around their sign to light on fire, as per usual. The band dances around in front of it, and they seem like they're really rocking out but it's kind of hard to tell cause it's really dark. The camera pans across the burning sign, then we go back to the weird burning stuff. The video closes with Blackie making a face and pointing at us, superimposed over the burning altar.



THE VERDICT Okay, I tried to make this one shorter, and it didn't work. Probably because holy crap this video is awesome! A lot of people think W.A.S.P. are terrible, or all flash, but I think they friggin' rock, and I don't care if I'm alone on it. The widespread fury it caused Tipper Gore to unleash on the world aside, "Animal (!@#$ Like a Beast)" is one of the best pop metal songs ever. If he could have just managed not to scream "I !@#$ like a beast!" when all of the music cut out, this song would have been huge. Huger than huge.

But yeah, what with all the sawblades and women chained to things and entrails purportedly thrown into (or tossed from) the crowd, it's easy to see why people dismissed their music pretty easily while taking the act waaaay too seriously. I'm not sure where I fall in this. I appreciate the stage show, but in kind of a campy way, or at least in a "sure, that's what we're getting at" way -- like how Slayer always kind of make light of their satanic image (i.e. "yeah, sure, our name means Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot") but at the same time their songs are, you know, a little bit on the umm dark side.

It's hard to tell how seriously W.A.S.P. actually take themselves. Part of it is probably that Blackie Lawless isn't as vocal or well-known as for example someone like Dee Snider, who's always the first to say look, it's just rock and roll, we're just having a good time. Lawless took a lot of flack back in the day for being the only one who tried to stay true the game (and admittedly, someone who wears gray highlights and saw blade wristicuffs is taking it all pretty damn seriously) and refused to come and testify and be like it's not a problem, you're just not getting the joke.

And yeah, in a video as over the top as this (I've often thought that every movie sequence where they're ostensibly shooting a heavy metal video was based on the look of this video), it's hard to tell if we're in on the joke, or if it's simply not a joke. Maybe part of it is seeing it now? Even still, as seriously as I want to take it, it's hard to believe that Blackie's really like "Oooh, I look super scary" every time he's making one of those faces, unless the only person he's trying to scare is, you know, Tipper.