Poison, "Talk Dirty to Me"

My Theory of Metal Bands' Hair Colors

THE VIDEO Poison, "Talk Dirty to Me," Look What the Cat Dragged In, 1986, EMI

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SAMPLE LYRIC "'Cause baby we'll be! / at the dri-ive in / in the old man's Ford / behind them buu-shes / till I'm screamin' for more / down the ba-ase-ment / lock! the! cellar door / and baay-aaay-by / talk dirty to me!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The phone rings in a suburban home, where an older couple -- CC DEVILLE'S PARENTS!!! -- are watching the video for "Cry Tough" on one of those old TVs that are sort of like built into a wooden cabinet. The woman answers the phone, then yells "Cindy, it's for you!" She turns to her pipe-smoking husband and says, "That Bret sounds like such a nice boy." And of course, she totally sounds just like CC. Or rather I suppose, CC sounds like her.

Cut to Bret Michaels, wearing shades and red leather gloves, leaning against speakers and swinging a phone by its cord. A female voice (heard as if over the phone) intones, "Oh Bret, I can't wait to get my hands all over you." Bret catches the phone in his hand, smiles, and says, "Hit it, C.C.!" thus setting the stage for another three minutes of gleeful debauchery done Poison style.



As C.C. DeVille indeed "hits it," we follow the camera through a hallway lined with guitars before quickly finding ourselves beside Bret and Rikki Rockett, who are exuberantly high-fiving over Rikki's drum kit. C.C., Bret, and Bobby Dall, all kick their legs in sync with the drum beats, then we see Rikki pounding away. Bret jumps off the drum riser onto a stage covered with dry ice fog as C.C. and Bobby run forward. Bobby then leaps off a much higher riser over Bret, and C.C. tosses a guitar over his shoulder, smiling afterward in a very Bobcat Goldthwait-esque manner. How does this all happen so fast? Because, like nearly all Poison videos, "Talk Dirty to Me" is non-stop fast edits (the kind MTV used to be famous for, remember?).

Bobby slides down a long pink tongue coming out of a hot pink lipstick-print mouth, and Rikki drums standing up (all of his drums are painted with his name, weird faces, etc., in red, black, and white). Bret is on his knees as he begins singing, ogling the legs of two women who walk by in stilettos (all we see are their glorious gams). Then Bret's wearing a red and black captain's hat (a la David Lee Roth). Bobby bops around and Rikki continues to drum while standing, though now his drums are each momentarily being held aloft by blondes. Bret dances around with his mic stand, then rolls around on the floor for the camera.



Rikki's wearing a purple pleather biker jacket, and Bobby's guitar is acid green (Poison's signature hue, lest we forget), as is Bret's mic. Bret tosses a pirate flag to Rikki, who catches it. Rikki is then shown making a kissy-face at the camera while drumming, a moment later to be immortalized in every stupid VH1 montage where the narrator is saying something about "the excess of an era that would soon come crashing to an end."

Bobby, C.C., and Bret frolic around and do synchronized leaping somersaults while more fog pours onto the stage. C.C. spins in circles constantly, and at one point Bret appears to be riding around on Bobby's bass, which is kind of just weird. They link arms and spin around each other (a little like square dancing), then there's the obligatory everyone-bending-over-at-once shot.

C.C. spins with all his might, and Bret tries to hop on top of him, and even I have trouble keeping up as we tumble into the chorus. Have I mentioned yet that the stage's only decorations are the group's logo writ large behind Rikki and then a bunch of big... I think of them as speaker cabinets, but I don't know what they are... big boxes with pop art style images of the band members and the words "Talk Dirty to Me" and "Look What the Cat Dragged In" written on them. I would pay pretty much anything to have one of those (especially a Bobby Dall one) but they are probably, you know, pretty much priceless.

Anyway, other than that it's just colored lights. Everyone sings along, and at the end of the chorus we see C.C. holding a mic and then Bret running over pretending to play guitar. Bret and Rikki put their heads together and exclaim "Talk dirty to me!", then Bret's hopping around onstage again. Bret mimes a telephone with his hand while he sings, "I call you on the telephone," and all band members twitch rhythmically. Bret does a hip-shimmying sideways dance, then rolls on the floor, while Bobby spins his head as quickly as physically possible.

For the second chorus, the band members keep trying to outdo one another with making crazy faces at the camera. Bret finally sort of wins it by pretending to make a sexy face, then pretending to make an obscene gesture, then really making an obscene gesture. He should be proud. Bobby then gets to say, "Talk dirty to me," and Rikki, wearing a police hat, salutes. Bret waggles his tongue obscenely for the umpteenth time, then yells, "C.C., pick up that guitar and ah, drop the beat-ah!"



C.C.'s dropping of said beat involves much throwing of guitars, many leaping kicks, and much pinwheeling around on the floor. In the meantime, Bret and Bobby do a synchronized kicking dance across the stage. Bret then jumps onto the drum riser, smacks a cymbal with his hand, then high-fives Bobby.

Poison kind of fall apart as they reprise the chorus. Bret tries to knock over C.C. and Bobby, and their kicks and jumps are no longer quite in unison. Rikki falls backward off of the drum riser. Everyone sings along, leans on each other, and spends some time crawling around on the ground.

Each band member mugs for the camera one last time, then as Bret goes, "woooooh!" we see the video's crew et al. rush the stage as confetti begins to stream down from the ceiling. Two guys pick up Bret, and streamers fall everywhere as mayhem (or at least, silliness) ensues. Rikki sprays the camera's lens liberally with silly string, then the band jump off the drum riser as a shower of sparks fall to close out the video.

THE VERDICT Poison are, indeed the clown princes of heavy metal. (Then again, possibly it's Enuff Z'nuff). They always look like they're having so much fun, and by all indications, they were. I mean, just look at them in the greatest movie ever made, The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years! They are just the nicest, funniest guys you could ever hope to meet.

And yes, there was a darker side to all this: C.C.'s lengthy stint in rehab, Bobby's contrite "we probably saw a lot of things that people actually shouldn't see," my inability to contribute much at all to the Poison lore via this blog (I am so damn unmotivated lately!).

But on the whole, Poison are a fun band. You can't take them too seriously. I remember when I was in sixth grade I was in this after-school art club that was pitifully pathetic, like six girls, our skanky, disinterested junior high art teacher (she was always wearing stonewashed denim overalls over crop tops and listening to the radio), and then two guys who basically look like the fat kid at the beginning of Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock." The two guys were basically there to better learn how to deface textbooks, so far as I could tell. When she couldn't muster up a semi-legit assignment ("draw portraits of each other"), she would give us crap like, "make a big drawing of the letters of your name, then fill in the letters with stuff that reflects your interests." I bet I have one of those stupid things from every year of grade school, so I wasn't like, really enthused about doodling horses and rainbows and crap in letters once again. I probably wouldn't even remember this incident at all, except that the two guys skipped out on the name project and decided to collaborate on creating an enormous, elaborate rendition of the Poison logo. This, for me, was the millionth affirmation that Poison were not a "serious" band.

That doesn't mean I didn't think they were a good band. It just means I didn't think they were very serious about umm... metal, I guess. They were all about frothy lyrics and having a good time, unlike more serious bands (as perceived by me) such as Iron Maiden (hell-o, they had a scary corpse-thing on all their album covers -- yeah, I was scared of Eddie, whatever) and W.A.S.P. (I remember the first time I read that their latest album would be called "The Headless Children" I was like whoa! Well, shit.). But the easiest way to gauge how "seriously" a band rocked was via this theory I developed (Remember, this was at a tender age... I think the first time I thought this whole thing out I was like seven, and no, this reflects in no way my parents' permissiveness but rather my desperate thirst to get out there and find more information about one of the many areas of popular culture they deemed worthless).

Anyway, here's the theory: The more brunettes you have in your band, the more serious you are about rock. So for example, Poison had three blondes and a brunette (also with the brunette in a weaker position within the band, as the bassist - a band with the same ratio but a brunette lead singer would have a slight edge). Whereas Motley Crue, who of course dabbled in satanism etc., had three brunettes and a blonde. This versus say, Def Leppard -- at that juncture, four blondes and one I guess brunette (Rick Allen, whose hair isn't really that dark, but still is technically not blonde). DL were one of my favorite bands back then, but even at that point it was pretty clear to me that a lot of falsetto harmonizing was, you know, pretty accessible to most people. Some bands were kind of on the fence -- Ratt kept going from four brunettes and one blonde to three brunettes and two blondes, depending on Bobby Blotzer's hair -- so yes, there is some ambiguity in the system. But it's still holding up for me, almost (jeez) 20 years later. Yikes.

Ratt, "Lay It Down"

Eek A Clown!!!

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Lay It Down," Invasion of Your Privacy, 1985, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "You know you really want to lay it down / right now! (and how!) / I know you really want to lay it down / right now! / laaaay it down / lay-it-down / laaaay it dowwwn / lay-it-down"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a scary, scary clown entertaining kindergarten-age children at a birthday party. He's making a balloon animal as the camera pans toward him. We can hear lots of caterwauling, a kid yelling, and kids blowing those annoying-ass noisemakers in the background.

The clown is focusing his attention on a creepy little boy (think a female Wednesday Addams) wearing a little gray suit with a bowtie. The clown himself is clad mostly in white, with almost entirely white makeup and a giant white ruffle around his neck (with similar ones at his wrists). The rest of his outfit is red and white striped, but it's barely visible. He's wearing a tiny, glittery red top hat perched on his head that says "Chucko" on it.

Anyway. The camera comes in toward the clown, then out, and we see that the children are all seated at a large dining table covered with a white paper tablecloth. The room they're in is pretty spartan. The walls are painted gray, and there's a white sparkly tinsel banner (like they hang outside at car dealerships) hanging in one corner. A little boy in a paper hat throws a handful of confetti, then the camera comes back up to the creepy little boy at the head of the table. We can see the clown moving around behind him, then the camera focuses in on a pale, slightly less creepy little girl. She has long blonde hair held back with a headband, and she's wearing a frilly white dress.

The scary boy smiles at her eagerly, and we see another little girl blowing into a noisemaker. The clown leans down beside the boy and says, "Okay now Stephen, blow out the candles." The little boy sucks in air to blow them out, but then the little girl says, "Wait, Stephen don't forget to make a wish." The clown and boy look at each other, then the clown nods and the boy lays a finger across his lips in thought. His eyes roll back into his head and he looks like a very small Eddie Munster.



The boy nods and then leans forward to blow out the candles. The clown also leans forward, and the top of his hat begins to spin rapidly at the same time as we start to hear some guitar. We hear a whoosh noise, then we finally get to see what little Stephen wished for. It's Warren DeMartini! Seriously, he read my mind, because that is what I am wishing for for my next birthday. At the same time though, you have to think it would have been cooler if Warren had crashed through the ceiling onto their table, like in "Round and Round." Instead, he's just kind of in some weird, misty backlit place.

Um, apparently he also wished for Robbin Crosby, Bobby Blotzer, and Juan Croucier, too (sorry, they're not on my list). They're all playing in a misty, weird place full of blue and white lights, and also black backdrops that look like they got stolen from a high school's modern dance studio. Robbin swings his arm around and pouts er, points at the camera, and Stephen Pearcy starts singing.

As he points and sings, "I know you don't really know me," a blonde with heavily frosted hair (and heavily frosted lips) turns to look at him. He takes a step toward her and, duh!, she's totally wearing the older, sluttier version of the little girl's dress (it's also white and frilly, but it's off the shoulder, belted, and features a fairly high asymmetrical hem). Our man Steve, meanwhile, is dressed quite a bit like a pirate (even for him). He has a black scarf tied around his head, a pouffy, spangly, open white shirt, black uh...what I can only describe as either pantaloons or knee-length britches, and then white stockings and white boots. And of course he's wearing that most important pirate accessory, tons of eyeliner (she's packing heat in that department as well).

The rest of the band rocks out as Steven pursues her through this forest of black tubes. Robbin points a lot, Bobby dramatically swings his arms, and Juan and Warren lean into each other and sing. I must say in this video Warren looks a bit like both Patti Smith (hair) and Keith Richards (ability to see all his teeth through his cheek). Still hot though.



As the second verse begins, we see the little boy at his birthday party with his eyes closed, and he's either just rocking out or miming drumming (tough call). Meanwhile, swashbuckling Stephen Pearcy is following the girl around the tube forest. She's kind of standoffish, looking away from him and leaning on poles, while he dances around and repeatedly exposes his chest, telling her he knows she really wants to "lay it down." He does a really lame kick, and she walks away, showing off her stiletto-heeled white boots.

She finally shows mild interest during the second chorus, as Stephen jerks his fist toward his body a bunch and the rest of the band sings along. Stephen creeps up behind her and whispers in her ear, "I know you only want romance." (This according to numerous sketchy lyrics websites -- to me it sounds like, "I've known you only one time, will you marry this?" Which I know, yes, makes no sense, but listen to the song, it definitely does not sound like "I know you only want romance"). She seems skeptical anyway. Then, in a truly inappropriate turn of events, we see Little Stephen whispering in the little girl's ear (she has her mouth open in shock). He says, "I'll give you all that I can."(I'm not disputing that one). It's gross, it's creepy, it reminds me of that stupid Titanic joke in the middle of "Oops! I Did It Again." It makes me reference horrible, awful things. Clearly, a low point.

Luckily, we're out of the woods fast, and back to rockin'. The girl with adult Stephen does indeed look like she's going to "give [him] just one chance" to "prove [him]self in loooooove." Warren busts into the solo, playing a cool guitar with a polka dot snakeskin motif. I will admit though, the guitar looks like it weighs more than he does.

Stephen dances and spins while the girl watches him, and Little Stephen continues drumming with his eyes closed while the little girl watches him. Robbin, Juan, and Warren all sing at once, which is kind of cute -- they look kind of like a girl group. Stephen swings his hair (and a long earring) dramatically to turn toward the girl, and she turns toward him and makes a meanish face. We hear a whooshing sound as they step toward each other and clasp hands (palms up, sort of Rocky Horror elbow sex style), lit from beneath.

Their image fades away until we see the clasped hands (just holding hands the old-fashioned way) of the little boy and girl. The clown is leaning over them, and the little girl says, "Stephen, what did you wish for?" The boy looks at the camera and does Stephen Pearcy's patented lick-thumb-and-point manoeuvre.



THE VERDICT Translation: I wished that in the future, you'd lose interest in me, and I'd have to win you back by dressing like a pirate and begging you to "Lay It Down." Um, what? This definitely isn't my favorite Ratt video, and I'm not just saying that because I hate children. After such intricately plotted masterworks like "Wanted Man" and "Back for More," this video is a letdown. Most of the video is just the band playing on a crappy set (okay, make that an especially crappy set), and then the whole plot about a 5-year-old fantasizing about whatever is just really unseemly.

Or is that really the plot? The more I think about it, the more I wonder: Is this video a flash-forward for the creepy little boy, or a flashback for Stephen Pearcy? It's unclear when the children's birthday party takes place -- it could be the 80s, but the children are dressed in such a weird way (and also the clown is so self-consciously retro) that it could just as easily be the 60s. At the same time though, the whole point seems to be that the little boy is fantasizing the whole thing, even though the performance part is the "real" action (i.e. clearly taking place in the 80s, albeit in a forest of weird tubes and colored lights). So possibly it is Stephen Pearcy having a flashback from the future about a time he wished and saw into the future. Whoa. I'm blowing my own mind.

Maybe it's just indicative of the weird relationship Ratt is depicted as having toward women in all of their videos. In spite of having lyrics that are almost 100% about women, the videos tend not to imply that Ratt actually get women. I mean, "Way Cool Jr." is just a weird p.o.v. camera thing, the women screw them over in "Back for More," and even in "I Want a Woman" we never actually see anyone from Ratt share screentime with an actual woman (though a) would they really want to anyway? and b) this video does also include the frequently used [in Ratt videos] conceit of having a woman watching or monitoring them). The only exception I can think of is "Slip of the Lip," where Stephen gets to make out with the spy lady who's trying to find out what this whole Dancing Undercover thing is all about.

Maybe they think it's one of those devices like they use with boy bands, where they'll have like, the wrong number of women on screen so they don't seem like they're paired off with the band members, thus making the band members seem more available as foci for relationship fantasy. I don't know though. To my mind, it's more effective to show them with women, so you can be like, "Yo, I'm gonna take her down. Get off my man!! Step away from Warren DeMartini!"