THE VIDEO Ratt, "I Want a Woman," Reach for the Sky, 1988, Atlantic
Click here to watch this video NOW!
SAMPLE LYRIC "I want a woman! / Not some little girl / Who had to grow up in daddddy's big world / I want a woman / Who can really love meee, yeah-ah / Dead ringer of a woman"
THE VERDICT I realized the other day that I haven't done a Ratt video in wayyy too long. Ratt rule. One, their San Diegan provenance was a key factor -- I kid you not -- in my decision to move out here. Two, Warren DeMartini has largely retained his hotness over the years, and I have a picture of me that he autographed.
Three, in spite of their somewhat unusual style (though they're never really credited as such, they're pretty much the only glam band and one of the few metal bands overall to have never done a ballad), their songs more or less always kick ass. Even when they have slightly silly subject matter, as this one does, Ratt keep it together. But what makes this video rule? Well, I like to make lists, so let's count the ways.
1) The weird meta framing: I like how they kind of decided they needed to give this video a plot. Like other Ratt videos (e.g. "Slip of the Lip"), rather than actually putting women anywhere near Ratt, they decided it would be better to have this weird sort of women-watching-Ratt voyeuristic thing happening. It's improbable and probably projection on their part, but whatever.
Anyway, the video kicks off with close-ups of a woman's mouth as she confirms that various cameras are ready to begin filming the Ratt video and watches video from it on monitors. I especially like that all the cameramen (who we see and hear in the voiceover) are wearing jackets with "Ratt Video Crew" stenciled onto them.
2) The women, duh: This video is incredible for its true-to-life montages of 80s women. You do not feel like they hand-picked fans to be in this video, let alone cast models. These are honest-to-goodness Ratt fans, making this video an incredible slice of metal history. I mean seriously, even think of the girls they show at Gazzarri's in Decline II -- these are not those girls. Maybe LA girls are just hotter, but whatever.
I can't find where this video was filmed, but I'm going to go with Cleveland. Usually you can find a radio station-themed sign in the audience to figure this stuff out, but no luck here. Based on the fact that everyone seems to have jackets with them, I don't think we're anywhere that warm.
Wait, scratch that. It took forever, but this is why I literally watch these bad boys frame by frame: I found a fan sign including radio station WLLZ. Detroit!!! Yes! This is totally it -- they recreated the logo on the tire for the sign. And indeed -- Michigan makes so much sense when you look at the ladies in this video. Gosh, I feel like a detective when I figure this stuff out, you guys.
Much of the video that isn't the band performing is basically a competition among these women to out-awesome each other. Some high points: The brunette in a white crop top, what appears to be an obviously stuffed bra, and an amazing chain belt. The girl with the really intense red lipstick who spins toward the camera and looks really obviously underage, as well as the girl in the puffy white outfit who has made her hair nearly stand on end, are super 80s.
Some of them I wonder about -- are they the other fans' moms? Or am I just seeing a range of ages? The woman with the bangs and the bad perm -- okay shoot, that's almost all of them, but I'm thinking of one in particular who is chewing gum and seems embarrassed to be on camera -- really seems like a mom.
In general, a lot of these women look like what I remember girls who were a lot older than me looking like around this time. Like when I was in kindergarten and first grade -- this is what the girls in the sixth grade pages of the yearbook looked like. In other words, they looked awesome.
I hate to say it, but some of these gals are flat-out ugly. And yet they made it into a music video! For this, I give them props. Also though, it says a lot about Ratt's budget that they apparently had to use whatever footage they got, as well as that they couldn't afford to just stack their crowd with beautiful women -- think of all the Def Leppard videos from Hysteria that are on that "In the Round, In Your Face" compilation. And that was in Denver.
Or gosh, even the girls in "Your Mama Don't Dance" who know all the words and seem to really love Poison. Maybe Ratt girls just aren't as hot as some of the other fans. But wait, I love Ratt! This is a pickle. But seriously, one of these gals has braces. And I mean come on ladies -- spit out your gum! You're in a Ratt video, for goodness' sake!
3) The ridiculous lyrics: Even for Reach for the Sky-era Ratt, this song is an weird one. I mean the chorus repeatedly ends on Steven saying he wants a "dead ringer of a woman," which I can only take to mean that, despite the song's repeated claims otherwise, he wants a female impersonator. I mean didn't anyone look up what dead ringer means? He wants a duplicate of a woman, or something easily mistaken for a woman.
It reminds me of in Arrested Development, when their lawyer, Barry Zuckerkorn (played by Henry Winkler), tells them he is trying to get back into the dating scene. I mean "groovy lips," "high heels", "red dress"... this is not necessarily going to net you an actual woman these days. Then again, in 1988, who knows. He could easily be describing Kelly Bundy.
Also I can't talk about this song without mentioning its gratuitous oral sex reference: "I take you up north, and then you wanna go south / you're just leaving another bad taste in my mouth!" What is this, a Great White song? Come on Ratt, you can do better. As allmusic says, this song "demonstrate[s] singer Stephen Pearcy's unfortunate inclination toward dumb rock cliches, a component of Ratt that consistently undermines the musical achievements of the band."
4) The well-prepared audience: I love the level of sign-making craft that this audience has gone to. You can often tell in metal videos when they've clearly informed the fans ahead of time that the show is being filmed (you see this particularly often with Bon Jovi), but Ratt fans really craft these things well. I mean even in regular Ratt videos the audience members have often made crazy signs with like, really detailed mechanical rats and such. I love this.
Why do I love it? Well, many reasons. I am a big "fan art" aficionado in general. But also (obviously) it reminds me of wrestling, where fan sign-making has more or less reached its apotheosis. Seriously though, if people had just saved this stuff... I would totally collect heavy metal fan art. As it stands, I'll have to settle for my t-shirt collection.
Ugh, this reminds me though that the other day I saw a woman down in Hillcrest with a literally astonishing Ratt shirt on -- it was a concert-specific tee (those are so hard to find) from a New Year's 1985 show. I seriously nearly died of jealousy. And I already own two Ratt tees: A really great (and older than hers!) Out of the Cellar tour tee from '84, and a Reach for the Sky tee too. but I was still really, really jealous.
And this is not a position I often find myself in in the heavy metal t-shirts department, if you know what I'm saying. I mean, as I write this, I'm wearing a Whitesnake Slip of the Tongue east coast tour tee. I also have a 1987 Whitesnake tour tee. Now who's jealous!
5) Talking about this video makes me remember Beavis and Butt-head's commentary on this video: Face it people. I will take any opportunity I can to talk about two things that aren't technically about metal but aren't entirely unrelated, and those are professional wrestling and Beavis and Butt-head. I recently gifted my dad and a close friend with the entire series, so I've been rewatching (and reliving my old watching) of a lot of these episodes lately. When they watch 80s metal videos is my favorite (obviously!), and they don't disappoint on this one. I transcribed it as best I could, minus a lot of the background laughter. Just assume you're hearing "heh heh" and "huh huh" the whole time.
The boys start out critiquing the coolness of Ratt. Based on their approximate ages, I would say they're right -- Ratt probably were most popular around then, though this song would have come out a bit later.
Butt-head: Uh-ohhhh
Beavis: (grumbling) Ohhhh... dammit. Hey Butt-head, was this stuff ever cool?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I think this might've been cool when we were like, five years old.
Beavis: Ohhhhh yeah. I think my mom used to like sing this song as a lullaby like when I was going to sleep, heh heh.
The best part comes when they start showing all the women in the video, as Beavis and Butt-head's creative juices begin to flow. Ew, it's not a euphemism! Seriously, Butt-head pitches a show. A TV show, pervs!
Butt-head: Whoaa! These chicks look like real sluts! [This is in response to the woman dancing on the balcony with the sign.]
Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's like, I think these chicks are really sluts!
Butt-head: Yeah, see? Slut. Slut. Slut. [As they show different women turning toward the camera.]
Beavis: You know what else, it's like these chicks are all like, sophomores.
Butt-head: Yeah! That's cool. (more laughter) Hey Beavis, I just got an idea!
Beavis: Oh yeah? What?
Butt-head: They should have a show, you know, like COPS, only they should call it SLUTS, and they just like, follow these sluts around with a camera.
Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, they could have like "SLUTS in Houston," and then like, "SLUTS in Phoenix," and then just like, just like COPS. That was a really good idea, Butt-head!
So basically, Joe Francis owes Mike Judge some serious dough, because Beavis and Butt-head came up with the idea for Girls Gone Wild like, years before he did. And where did Mike Judge go to college? In San Diego. I'm just sayin'! They wrap up with a critique of Stephen Pearcy's whininess:
Butt-head: Yeah. (laughter) This guy keeps going, "I want a woman," but it's like, I want a woman too, but I'm not out there singing some crappy song about it!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah it's like, so he wants a woman, so what? So does everybody! I do like the sluts, though.
Personally, the women in the video don't do it for me -- I want a Warren. DeMartini, that is! Even in pouffy pants and ankle boots, he's looking fine in this video. Admittedly, it also appears to be Robbin Crosby's finest hour -- he's looking rather fit in leather pants. Juan Croucier has made his hair extra, extra-poufy, and donned a fringed jean jacket, all the better to make dramatic gestures in. But for me -- even though he's barely in this video, Robbin does the more prominent solo -- Warren D. is the most want-able thing on screen.