Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears"

Hope That Eyeliner's Waterproof  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "No More Tears," No More Tears, 1991, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "No mawr tee-ears, tee-ears, tee-ears" (Just repeat this in an increasingly dramatic voice over a badass guitar riff)

THE VERDICT I've made reference to this video so many times now that it stopped making sense to avoid it (even if I worry I'm risking becoming too Ozzy-centric). I mean face it — this video is like the template for early 90s metal videos. So what's it got? Well let me tell you! 

The girl suddenly looks a lot less like a stripper and a lot more like a model. I mean, heroin chic was never going to catch on among rock video girls (though among the guys, it's a different story — yes Nikki and Tommy circa Doctor Feelgood, I'm looking at you). But yeah, the gal in this video appears extremely lean compared to the more voluptuous types you'd see in a video from the 80s. The long satin-y dress gives her a sort of Old Hollywood look -- and as previously noted many times, between Monroe, Mansfield, and sort of general mid-century pin-up aesthetics, metal bands are all over this style. 

Random art references class things up. I know I've said in other places how many videos reference "American Gothic" (this one doesn't). It does, however, feature loads of frames and sort of weird art stuff. Most notably though, we once again get a visit from a knockoff of Salvador Dali's 'Mae West' lips sofa (see? More Old Hollywood!). You might recall Bobbie Brown lounging on one in the "Cherry Pie" video (a video which does reference "American Gothic"). Bet you never thought knowing something about art history would come in handy for discussing Ozzy Osbourne videos. But looky here, it does.

Yves Klein Blue is the dominant color. I've talked about this with so many other videos, it's time I finally explained it, since if you aren't the kind who reads fashion magazines (I'm not anymore, but I was, so) you probably have no idea what I'm talking about it. Anyway, Yves Klein Blue (or International Klein Blue, or IKB) is a super-intense ultramarine or cobalt blue.

 

It comes in and out of fashion, but it's most directly associated with its creator (Yves Klein, obvs) and his works created by having nude models coat themselves in the super-intense pigment and then assume different poses pressed against canvas, so the prints left by their bodies create the piece. I know, this sounds like the concept for a metal video, right? Yet somehow they never made the connection between the color and nudity. Hmm. 

Dramatic lighting gets even more dramatic. Okay, we all know spotlights have never been strangers to metal videos. But I feel like "No More Tears" marks some kind of tipping point -- okay, maybe "Poison" marks it, I'm not sure (hell, they're practically the same video) -- where suddenly everyone is being shot in high contrast, with parts of their faces in focus and clear and the rest in dark, utterly black shadow. They pump it up a notch by there seeming to be fans off-camera blowing directly into each musician's face. Even Zakk Wylde can't whip his hair fast enough to keep us from seeing his mug in this one! 

Wardrobe has been pared wayyyy back. Okay, it's not like Ozzy was ever glam to begin with. Well no, wait, I take that back. We all remember his Liz Taylor phase, when he wore all those full-glitz bathrobes onstage. Suffice to say, those are gone now. (Actually, Ozzy looks amazing -- like ten years younger and I'm gonna guess way more than ten pounds lighter.) He's stopped frosting his hair, and there's nary a rhinestone in sight. Instead, he's rocking a popular early 90s guy look -- the black (probably leather) vest with no shirt underneath. Zakk Wylde is just wearing pants (not that there's anything wrong with that!). 

I don't think anyone's wearing color though, which is a mega-contrast to the amped-up color in every other part of this video. It's like they wanted to keep things flashy, but keep their distance at the same time. That said, what with his giant cross necklace and numerous bangles, Ozzy hasn't lost all his flair. There are definitely parts of this video that weren't trend-setting though. The whole Ozzy's-crawling-around-while-he-sings thing? Yeah, not so much. I'm not sure what the jagged floor/fake precipice is all about. Maybe Ozzy's not quite so healthy as he looks here.

 

Also, I know the big framed eyes are supposed to look spooky, but combined with the Mae West sofa they just remind me of Chairy from Peewee's Playhouse (apparently a lot of metal videos remind me of Peewee's Playhouse). And the kitchen sink being set on fire? That's just weird. 

Some of the other stuff is the same-old, same-old. Women under water? Yeah, we've seen that (think "Don't Cry" or, for a dude under water, "Headed for a Heartbreak"). A grand piano in a random fog bank? Okay, I don't know if I can think of a video off the top of my head with that exact image, but there are plenty with pianos, and way more with fog, fire, etc. 

By the way, anyone know what this song is about? If you give the lyrics a close read, it seems like it's either about a vampire or a hooker. The video doesn't really give us clues in either direction. The thing about like, reminding you what your mama told you ("not to talk to strangers") and that a "red light" means things get started again makes me think prostitute. But then some of the other stuff makes me think more vampire... or maybe just human murderer? Gosh, I don't know. Allmusic says it's a POV song about a serial murderer... I don't know, I keep thinking hooker. 

 

Hmm, maybe it's a murderer of hookers... or a hooker who is a murderer (it's amazing how, of course, you can find metal songs that cover whatever bases you need in this area). Okay no, per Wikipedia Ozzy says it's about a serial killer. But wasn't it more fun to speculate?

Either way, for a song that's so dark and brooding, all it ever makes me think of is the baby shampoo. What can I say, it's a stronger and earlier association — and really, outside of the baby shampoo and the Ozzy song, it's not like it's a common phrase like "dry your eyes" or something. Or, perhaps, "Don't Cry"?

Great White, "Stick It"

It's Shark Week Again

THE VIDEO Great White, "Stick It," Great White, 1984, EMI

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm out on the road, and I'm rockin'! / (Stick it, stick it) / I'm on out the road there's no stoppin' / (Stick it, stick it)"

THE VERDICT Don't let the fact that most Great White songs are either covers or pretty terrible ballads (not to mention the fact that at this point they are way more famous for causing considerable death and devastation than they are for even "Once Bitten, Twice Shy") keep you away from this gem. This is a great song. For serious. They managed a couple of genuinely great songs back in their day, and this is one of them ("On Your Knees" is the other one, if you're wondering.)

This video is no slouch either. Even more than I enjoy songs about the right to rock, I love metal videos that feel like they're from some lost 80s movie that desperately needs to be unearthed. "Stick It" is actually sort of a combination of that with like, a long lost ZZ Top video -- I mean fantasy, babes, a car? That's serious Top territory. And of course, bathing suits of the 80s, which always provide a fun trip down memory lane (or just like, to the ever-pornier American Apparel).

So the video takes us through the (increasingly surreal) misadventures of a youngish teen guy working at a greasy spoon diner that appears to exist well, literally nowhere -- it's surrounded by white space at all times. His boss is a big fat dude with glasses. The colors are very drab and washed out -- the entire diner is more or less gray with some tan and rust, and all the customers are dressed in neutral colors (lots of black).

Things start off pretty normal, with the kid and the fat dude serving the customers sitting at the counter. Slowly, the kid edges away, and heads over to a radio mounted on the wall to turn up the volume.

Doing so causes a sort of video-photo of Jack Russell to come flinging out of the radio, overtaking the screen until we are watching Great White perform. The band is in front of a small crowd of people, and they're lit by spotlights which we can completely see (we can even see the people operating them, always an extra touch of class). Great White are a skeezy band even at their best, and this video is no exception. Mark Kendall is absurdly perky, pursing his lips and waggling his guitar at the crowd. Not-long-for-this-band members Lorne Black (bass) and Gary Holland (drums) similarly telegraph overenthusiasm, and we also need to mention are way better looking than the core of the band, Russell and Kendall (Holland looks like a lighter-haired Tommy Lee, and Black looks about like Rick Savage did around this time, again with slightly different hair). Is it KISS syndrome? Sort of, except none of the various members of KISS have ever been even kind of good looking.



Jack Russell looks, of course, like a total skeezoid. I will forever be baffled by all the anecdotes about the revolving door of skanks that his tourbus was. Him? Really? He's got ratty, thinning hair, and is wearing a white leather vest and a gold chain with nothing else (at least that we can see, I'm sure he is wearing pants. Or at least satiny briefs, ew ew).

We jump back to the diner, where the kid's boss has noticed what he's doing, and yanked him away from the radio. He marches him around to the front of the counter, where the customers watch with blase expressions as he's thrown to the ground. As we see the kid lying on the ground looking up at them, one might notice the perfect fried eggs laying there next to him. Remember those.

We're back with the band for a second, then we return to the diner, where the kid is behind the counter again. Though the customers were eating normal food from plates at the beginning of the video, now there are just these pairs of fried eggs laying all over the place. The diner also apparently is using all its coffee pots to hold slightly blue-tinted water. Remember those, too.

The kid starts to refill one of the customer's water glasses, when suddenly he spots something. We get a close-up of his jaw dropping and his eyes going all wide. What could he possibly see? Come on, it's a metal video, you know darn well what he's seeing! Chicks. The camera zooms out the window, where suddenly we see four women in heels and one-piece bathing suits hanging around a large white sedan. One girl sits on the hood, one lounges on top of the car, while the other two sit partially hanging out the windows, tossing a beach ball back and forth over the top of the car. They all smile and throw the beach ball toward him as they notice his stare. Oh, did I mention the car exists in just empty, white space? It does.

We go back to a close-up of the boy's eyes, then we see that he is still pouring the water. The customer pulls the glass away, and the water continues to pour and pour, splashing all over the counter and getting everywhere. Apparently it really is a bottomless beverage deal at this diner. The kid finally runs out of water, and jerks his head around as if he has noticed something else. Two men we haven't seen before who are dressed I guess as cooks (they have aprons around their waists) are doing a complicated juggling act over the diner counter. Celery, baguettes, pans, and more are tossed back and forth.

The kid looks outside again, and sees all the women now sitting in a row, drinking soda through straws. His attention is quickly distracted though, as his fat boss is coming after him. He looks back outside, and one of the women is smiling as she pours blue water from a coffee pot all over herself.



The boss grabs the kid by the neck again, yanking him around the counter. He shoves a mop into his hand, then points -- the kid is supposed to clean the diner, which is suddenly absolutely filthy, with piles of garbage on every surface. He trudges slowly further into the room.

But then oh, we're back with the band, and Mark Kendall is working his way to a furious guitargasm. The crowd shake their fists, and I love that you can clearly see one guy turn and check whether he's on camera. Congrats dude, you are. I also like that someone else in the crowd keeps holding up a pair of sunglasses and trying to align them with the ones on Mark's face for no clear reason. They're sort of like, "well, as long as we're having to be part of this Great White video, we may as well make the best of it."

Following a long segment featuring pretty much just Mark's right hand, we see Lorne and Jack sort of thrusting away in unison. Jack is indeed wearing pants -- red leather. Could've been worse.

After much screaming and thrusting, we're back at the diner, which is still trashed. Dishes are everywhere, as are those baguettes that were being juggled before. The kid looks disgusted and confused as he walks around, while his boss looks on from the corner. For some reason, the patrons have TP'd the diner, and so now toilet paper is hanging from the lighting fixtures.

The kid looks out the window, and he sees the women getting into the car, which is now facing away from the diner. As they close the doors, we go back to the band, where Jack is encouraging the crowd to raise their fists in unison. We see some girls in the crowd chanting "stick it!" After some shots of Jack and Mark looking and acting lecherous, we see a ridiculous dude in the crowd (with a horrible mustache -- I mean, more horrible than most even) take off his sunglasses and attempt a scary face. I can just imagine some poor AD being like "Yeah! Now show me more metal, more metal, that's it!" Then Jack holds his mic out to Lorne so he can say "stick it!"

The camera zooms out from Great White, and then we're back at the diner. The boss appears to be lecturing the kid, who looks exasperated. Behind them, the diner appears to be on fire. The kid walks away from the fire, his boss, and the filth, and looks out one of the windows, bracing his arms against the windowpanes.

His boss continues to hector him, and he looks back at him before gazing out the window again. Suddenly, he pulls his arms back and punches through the window with both fists, shattering the glass. He jumps out the window, landing on all fours. The ladies open up the driver's side door, and the kid army crawls toward the car (which I'm thinking now is a Cadillac). They all gesture to him to come get in, although the one in the red suit seems underwhelmed at the prospect.



As he jumps in and slams the door, we go back to Great White. The video ends with everyone throwing their hands in the air, and Gary throwing a drumstick in the air. It fades out on a shot of just the drumstick flying through the air.

So given all that, I know there's one question on everybody's minds: Was it all a dream? Is Jack wearing a wig in later Great White videos? His hair looks pretty sparse and ratty here, but especially right up front -- his hairline looks pretty dicey, and I swear there are some shots where you can see right through the middle. And yet within just a couple of years, he's got a lush, full mane of blonde hair replete with thick, straight bangs. On the one hand, possibly he's not just a member, he's also a client or whatever, and he magically grew an incredible amount of thick, evenly textured hair completely unlike what he's working with here. But given that all through their later albums, he's got exactly the same haircut (and never moves his head around that much either, come to think of it), and it's not even a very metal haircut -- do you think it's a rug? I mean, years later, now with shorter hair, it doesn't like it did in the band's most successful years.

I don't know how they didn't manage to use this song in the gymnastics movie Stick It, which if you're wondering was pretty good (and did have some okay music since I do enjoy the occasional Jock Jam), even if the jokes were kind of off and the heroine was seriously the tallest gymnast in the history of elite gymnastics. Dang, now I am wishing I had cable so I could watch (among the zillion other things I'd watch if I had cable) that bitchy gymnasts show on ABC Family. That show looked pretty good.

The one movie alert cinema-going metalheads may have noticed that this was in was the Harold and Kumar sequel (Escape from Guantamano Bay). Good gracious it was horrible, way too topical, and nearly ruined my goodwill toward both the hilarious first movie and Beverly D'Angelo, BUT. In the scene where they are hanging out with George Bush in his little hunting-lodge-type house, you can hear this song playing quietly in the background. It darn near made me burst into spontaneous applause in the theater! Mainly because it was the high point of the film, but seriously, that was the case not just because the movie was awful, but because this song never gets the respect and credit it deserves. Hence, here I am now -- and here you are now. Go listen to it!

P.S.: Remember when I made that whole plan about how I was going to talk less about what happens in the videos and write shorter posts? Yeah, I remember it too. Sigh.

KISS, "Who Wants to Be Lonely?"

The Rock 'N' Wrestling Connection

THE VIDEO KISS, "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" Asylum, 1985, Mercury/Polygram

Click here to watch this video NOW

SAMPLE LYRIC "Who wants to be loh-own-lay / who wants to be with you tonight / oh-oh-oh-OH-oh, oh-oh-oh-OH-oh"

THE VERDICT So why on earth am I devoting an entire post to this WTF-fest of a video? I mean, the entire first 45 seconds consists of nothing but Paul Stanley in an incredibly ridiculous neon, sparkly trenchcoat and fringed hot-pink gloves walking down some kind of industrial hallway (maybe a boiler room? There's steam and fire). Literally. There's nothing else. This is KISS without makeup in the sense that they aren't wearing their signature black-and-white facepaint, but it is KISS with makeup in the sense that they sure have put on a lot of eyeshadow.

And then when it gets going, it only gets weirder. KISS appear to be playing in some kind of industrial women's bathroom (think white tile, weird pipes and valves everywhere) that in addition to featuring many leather-clad ladies also has the dancing fountains from the Bellagio. The question for the women is less "who wants to be lonely?" and more "who wants to get hosed down by Paul and Gene?" Because all these video babes -- dressed sort of like female, skin-baring versions of Rob Halford -- are standing under individual showerheads and/or being sprayed with water from off-camera. Water, water everywhere, but not a plot to speak of.

What else happens? Paul takes off his shirt, of course. We find out the dark area separating Eric Carr from the rest of the band is a swimming pool. One of the women falls into the pool, and another gets all sexy with a big valve wheel. Many, many shots of the various ladies dancing beneath their showerheads. Many of those are from a low angle and basically just show legs and butts, though to be fair, we also get a lot of crotch shots of KISS. We see lots of Paul and Gene singing together, and very few shots of Eric or Bruce Kulick.



More random occurrences: A woman in some kind of black leather apron getting spooled out from a long swath of white fabric. Paul doesn't even pretend to play his guitar. Bruce rises out of the swimming pool during the solo. And one of the women dances her way out of a wall of cellophane. For the finale, a shirtless Paul gets cleaned off by some of the ladies before returning to the hallway from the beginning of the video, which is now on fire.

I could describe this video in three letters -- WTF. But I could also describe it using three other letters -- WWF. Or I suppose technically by law now I have to say WWE, but really I still use both interchangeably (and often just refer to it as WW). Why do I say this? Many reasons. And not just because I am kind of obsessed with professional wrestling, and sort of have been since I was about seven (sort of goes well with the metal, no?).

First, the weird boiler room/hallway thing Paul is in at the beginning of this video has always instantly made me think of No Holds Barred, the crappy Hulk Hogan vehicle. Click on that link and watch the trailer -- Zeus is totally in that same weird hallway as Paul Stanley!

Second, just look at what Paul is wearing (or really any of the members of KISS, since they all are wearing variations on the same outfit). A long, glittery, multi-colored coat over either a) a bare chest or b) a super low-cut shirt, with colorful spandex pants and boots. Paul even goes so far as to top off his look with a wide gold belt. Um, who does this sound like?! How about any wrestler ever!??! Or okay, fine, any wrestler in the 80s (though it also sounds like Gorgeous George, so).



Seriously, there's a long line of spangly coats worn by wrestlers that goes from the Ric Flairs of yesteryear to the John Morrisons of today. I would say with all the neon, sparkles, and chest hair, for me Paul is most reminiscent of the Macho Man, Randy Savage. And it's a symbiotic relationship too, as you can draw a straight line from metal costumery to the type of ringwear favored by the Rockers, the Rock 'N' Roll Express, or even folks like the Road Warriors/the Legion of Doom, and the Ultimate Warrior (though in the latter cases I think the Mad Max movies are the confounding variable).

Third, all of the pointless decorative women. I know, I know -- it's a feature of like every metal video circa 1985. But pro wrestling also has a long history of pointless decorative women -- the valets, from Miss Elizabeth to Sherri and everyone else in between. Yes, these days the women actually do get to wrestle a bit more (not just in women-only franchises like GLOW but also on the main nationally televised wrestling programs), but nine times of ten its in something ridiculous like a "Red Carpet Dress to Impress" match, a "Baywatch" match, a "Divas Pajama Pillowfight" match, or something else to render them relatively decorative and pointless as compared to the men.

Fourth, all of the crotch shots. I can't explain it, but no matter how many cameras they have covering a pro wrestling match, they always will manage to cut to the one that is positioned directly between the legs of whomever is in a submission hold, getting pinned, or is otherwise just laying all splayed out in the ring. Honestly, it's kind of weird. I mean sometimes it's someone like Randy Orton, so it's okay, but other times, like when it's Sheamus, I just don't need to see all that.

Long story short, I can't completely hate this video -- much as I do -- because it reminds me of one of my other favorite things. Professional wrestling! The two really go together. Wrestling theme songs are some of the only places I can still dig up songs that actually sound a lot like lyrical metal -- for example, Christian's current theme or even Dolph Ziggler's music. Just imagine those being done by Warrant and Winger! Oh, I die. I mean, imagine if the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection had really gotten going -- it's got to be a similar demographic, right? So why can't TNA get Poison to perform at one of their pay-per-views?

P.S.: Because a picture is worth a thousand words, peep the side-by-side comparison: