Type O Negative, "Black No. 1"

The Best Homage to Hair Dye Ever Written

THE VIDEO Type O Negative, "Black No. 1," Bloody Kisses, Roadrunner, 1993

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Yeah you wanna go out / 'cause its raining and blowing / you can't go out / 'cause your roots are showin' / dye 'em black / well dye 'em black / black, black, black, black numbah wuh-uh-one"

ESCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with Peter Steele's spooky face emerging from pitch black. His face is only partially visible, I guess to make it look more like a skull or make him look more like a vampire or something, because right away he kind of makes a menacing "look at my teeth" face. His face fades away momentarily, then comes back to the right of the bottom half of an equally pallid (but more hot than spooky) woman's face. She's wearing a choker, which he pulls down to get uhh, more complete access to her already quite bare neck. In case you didn't get it before, vampires!



Peter keeps singing as his face fades in and out (it almost gives the impression that he keeps submerging himself in water), then we get to see a better lit version of him where you can actually see his eyes. As some real guitar comes in for the first time, we get a quick, almost strobe-lit (I think the effect is supposed to be more like lightning than a strobe, but basically it's uneven and flashy) view of Type O Negative playing in a big, parlor-looking room with florid, old-fashioned wallpaper that is chock full o' goth chicks. Just as quickly, we're back with Peter's scary face, then we see him playing his enormous standup bass beside a large, leafless tree which has a couple of weird-looking people sitting in the branches. This is also lit in the strobe/lightning style.



Then more Peter face, as he tries desperately to out-mug Glen Danzig in some kind of muscular dude scary face contest. We quickly see a better-lit shot of his entire face where the irises of his eyes are acid green (the only color we see in this entire video), then he's playing in front of the tree again. One of the people in it appears to be wearing long underwear and a top hat. Then the better-lit Peter face is singing again, and actually the way he's shot from beneath his face looks way more short and squat than it is, making Peter look pretty much just like Danzig. Then the people in the tree above him are shaking their arms. The one I couldn't see well before looks like a monkey or a dwarf or something.

Next we get a couple of quick shots inside the house again, and the rest of the band is rocking out. We quickly see their keyboard player, who gets mad, mad props for headbanging whilst playing what looks like a really old piano but sounds like a harpsichord, then after a couple of shots of Peter we see the drummer with a bunch of goth looking kids rocking out behind him. (Many, many apologies for the lack of a positive I.D. on the other band members -- I don't know as much as I'd like to about Type O Negative and their bios on the band's official website are for useless if one is trying to glean actual information and not simply learn that among Josh Silver's other hobbies he enjoys "avoiding bodily fluids" yet ironically also delights in "mailing feces to his enemies." I guess feces doesn't count as a fluid, still, doesn't mean one wouldn't want to avoid it as well).



As the song really kicks up into what I guess is the chorus (the structure of this song -- especially in the album version -- is so unusual that I'm kind of hesitant to declare what's what), we see a good shot of the band rocking out in the weird house while all the chicks and stuff wave their arms around. We see a great shot (not one of my all-time favorites, but close), of an absolutely gorgeous goth girl who's quite slim and petite and who's wearing a big black t-shirt do a slinky dance while gesturing dramatically with her arms (my description doesn't do it justice). Her dance is interspersed with shots of Peter making scary faces. He saves his real histrionics, however, for shouting, "black, black, black, black numbah wah-ah-one," which makes every vein on his face and neck spring to attention.

This is followed by a bunch of shots of Peter's face and even more of him rocking out by the tree (plus a nice one of Josh) then he fades away. As the harpsichord kicks up and he intones, "lov-ing you, looov-ing you" we see a clearer shot of him menacing the neck of a goth chick. She looks more passed out than simply passive, but we won't be touching that one. We zoom in on her face, then back out to see the keyboardist's hands playing a cobweb-covered piano (which for the zillionth time I think is playing the part of a harpsichord -- and if you're not sure what a harpsichord sounds like, just take a listen to the original theme from The Addams Family).



Peter caresses the girl's neck with his fingertips, then they fade to black and we espy him making an especially scary face as he screams, "it was like lovin' the dead." He keeps screaming like this as we get some more fun shots of him headbanging under the tree and the rest of the band rocking out in the house. Peter eventually pulls it together for some glamour shots as we get to the fingers snapping/harpsichord/is-it-just-me-or-is-this-the-theme-from-The Addams Family part of the song. Peter nods along, and after a couple more cobweb/piano keys shots we see him with his spooky green eyes once more before we're back in the chorus ("black, black, black, black numbah wuh-uh-one") and everyone rocking out in the room. Peter rolls his eyes back in his skull, and a man who looks seriously a large amount like either Uncle Fester or the Grandpa on The Munsters spins by right in front of the camera.



The video wraps up with shots of Peter nodding, the various band members tossing hair about, goth kids rocking out, and whatever's going on up in that tree. Peter keeps making faces that are scarier and scarier, and the video ends with an African-American woman's face. Unlike the girl from earlier, she's awake and almost smiling. She (at least I think it's her hand) lifts up a large knife, and after it passes in front of the camera we see Peter making a screamy mouth down in the corner. A giant hand comes in from the other side and, covering her face, tilts her head back. Oooh, creepy.

THE VERDICT I love this song. But a lot of what I love about is that I think it's really funny. It's so self-consciously goth that it's almost a parody of what's goth, lyrically referencing Lily Munster and Nosferatu, musically referencing The Addams Family, etc., etc. And just the fact that fancy title card or no, at the end of the day "Black No. 1" refers to the type of hair dye this girl uses. Is it a joke, or the most sincere love note ever? Tough to say. In the edited version seen in the video (which I much prefer), it seems much more sincere. The album's addition of the whole "Sacre bleu!" part plus upping the ante to "loving you was like !#$%ing the dead" is a bit much for me. It must be tongue in cheek, right? Maybe I just don't know enough about Type O Negative.

Does Peter Steele get the joke? It's tough to say. I don't know that much about the guy, except for uh, the obvious. If you don't know, he's packing a lot more than just a giant bass. Yeah. That. And in Playgirl no less. It is hard to take Mr. Spooky Face seriously when you've seen him like, rubbing his nipple and making a sexy face or posing amidst orchids (I've linked to the tamer pics -- you're on your own if you want to check out the real Steele, so to speak). How did he wind up in this situation? Either he takes himself very seriously and is probably a real tool (no pun intended) or he really doesn't and is generally a good guy. The latter is a possibility -- I mean, look at Glenn Danzig. He melted my heart when he appeared on Aqua Teen Hunger Force as himself (that's Episode 18, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future to you laymen).

But say it is done a bit in jest -- what of the other people in the video? This video (like Biohazard's "Punishment") has always struck me as one where all of the extras are likely the band's fans, friends, and extended families. What do they think of all this? Goth has never exactly struck me as a subculture particularly inclined toward self-parody, but what do I know. So I guess it comes down to one thing: Does Peter Steele out-Danzig Glenn Danzig? Who would win in a fistfight? We'll have to wait till I turn my attention to "Mother" (a very similar video in many respects) to find out.

KISS, "Tears Are Falling"

Paul Stanley's Playhouse

THE VIDEO Kiss, "Tears Are Falling," Asylum, 1985, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "You look at me with your eyes in tears / and then it's raining / looks like it's raining / oh no / tears are falling"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with two images flashing back and forth in rapid succession: a waifish looking video girl (come to think, she looks just like a less babe-a-licious version of the girl in Danzig's "Mother") looks into the camera, crying; and Paul Stanley's neon gloved jazz hands. This is the backdrop to the song's heavy guitar opening, which continues as we hear Paul go "ah!" and then see a weird, sepia-tone shot of him reacting as if (verbally, if not physically) slapped.

Next we see the girl in her house, also sepia-tone. It looks like the kind of place the Mystery Inc. gang always find themselves in on Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?. All of her furniture -- a loveseat, several chairs, a small coffee table -- is covered with sheets, and the back wall is all huge windows which are covered with gauzy curtains. She jumps up and starts tearing down the curtains, pulling their rods down and everything, and as she runs across the room we can see a non-sepia-tone Paul peeing in the corner. On second thought, he's probably just standing facing the corner with his hands at his waist -- but see, you can see why I made that mistake.

Anyway, as she pulls the curtains down, it lets light in but also makes an insane amount of dust go everywhere (maybe the sheets were on because her floors were being sanded? But I think you'd have to just move the furniture out for that). As she nears him, full-color Paul whips his head around and the song begins in earnest.

First we see Paul onstage. He's wearing a neon pink jacket covered in some sort of pink and orange frippery and boasting enormous shoulder pads over a low-cut yellow tank top (the jacket makes me think of the old Shawn Michaels tag team The Rockers). He also has on neon green fingerless gloves with long yellow fringe hanging from them. Whoa. He's also wearing a lot of makeup -- but no, this is 1985, remember, so I don't mean KISS makeup. I mean regular lipstick.



Gene is next, but his outfit goes by a little too fast for me -- it's much darker, gold, burgundy, purple, etc., and if I had to do a word association to describe his outfit I'd say King Tut, since he's all bejeweled and wearing a big flat collar/necklace thing. Their most recent addition, guitarist Bruce Kulick, has on a tent-like red top, and Eric Carr has (as per always) giant, giant hair and an almost equally giant feathered earring. He's wearing a turquoise jacket, yellow and red belts (or sashes?), and purple pants. This sounds like an outfit I would have chosen for myself in 1985, so I'll allow it.

As Paul continues to sing and gesture dramatically (he's not miming, but enthusiastically pointing at the camera a lot, if you see what I'm saying), we see a tear run down the young lady from the beginning of the video's cheek. It falls into a cup of coffee, causing both cup and saucer to explode. Gene gives us a wink as we move into the chorus, and there we are.

The first chorus gives us our first real look at the set, which I have avoided talking about thus far because it's a real beaut. I'll try to get in all in in under a bajillion words. Kiss are on a stage that's about a 3' high platform made to look like it's made of rock. (To avoid lengthy explanations like this for the rest of this video, let me just use quotes -- imagine me making those stupid finger quotes -- whenever I am trying to say something is mad fake). The platform is surrounded by a "moat" of dry, flat blue plastic which has a few more "rocks" scattered around it. "Jungle vines" and "rope bridges" crisscross the stage, and there are some "plants" back by Eric. Behind him, there's a small "volcano." The backdrop for the set is sort of a red and black "sunset" thing.

Since the backdrop doesn't even wrap around the entire stage, let alone the entire set, I'd like to think it's kind of tongue-in-cheek, "look, we're on a silly set," but based on Paul's outfit I'm going to venture a no. Also, before I forget -- there are a bunch of TVs scattered all around the set showing static, including a whole bunch hanging from the ceiling back by the "volcano". All of these different pieces move around all the damn time thoughout the video for an overall effect that can be easily described in two words (or rather, two compound words) -- Pee-wee's Playhouse.



Anyway. It's Kiss without their makeup so, I know, enough kicking them while they're down. Besides, at the end of the chorus Paul does a little dance and we get to see that he's wearing some pretty hot multicolored boots. Let's move on. We see a couple more "tears" on the sternum of the girl, then as we get into the second verse Paul actually does start miming. He mimes "pulling a rope" while he sings "hold you near," then claps his hand against his chest for "heartbeat" when he sings "your hearrrrrt."

Next we see him kneeling in the "jungle" and rubbing his cheek as if rubbing away a tear in a dismissive manner (a precursor to Ozzy's attitude in "No More Tears"?). Then we look at everyone in the band as they lean on each other and sing along, and a second "tear" joins the first on the girl's sternum (there was some liquor ad last year that used this image exactly, and I found it unappealing then too -- I can't remember who it was, unfortunately. I think a liquer thing, might have been Disaronno or Baileys).

Second chorus, we get another pulled-back shot of the set, and the girl's pulling down her curtains again. We watch Kiss dance and sing a bunch (Paul's really going to town with the "wooo-ooooh-ooooh-ooohhhhhhoohhh") then we see a "tear" run down the girl's knee, which is oddly a little hairy. Then "tears" run down the side of a guitar, and a curtain or piece of fabric is pulled away to reveal -- um, a showerhead. And so yes, if you were wondering, does Bruce go on to play the song's solo in an "outdoor jungle shower", the answer is yes.

We see the girl kneeling in some "fog," then get an amazing close-up of Paul's yellow shirt. It turns out its actually completely sequined/beaded and decorated with black, orange, blue, pink, and deeper yellow zigzags. Whoa. He's also pounding his chest again ("heartbeat"). A "tear" falls from the girl's face, and Bruce musters some guitar face, even though he's pretty soaked. Then we see Paul's shirt again. He's holding his pouffy jacket open to show it off. I wonder if he still owns it -- that must be a heck of thing to run across in your closet.



As Gene and Paul sing, the girl leans backward into the fog. Then, inexplicably, and proving without a doubt that Kiss are either a) taking themselves very, very seriously or b) not, we see that Paul has climbed one of the "rope bridges" and is swinging across the set on one of the "jungle vines." Then the "volcano" "erupts." Kiss dance in front of it while a tear slides down the top of the girl's foot. Then Paul, jacket and shirt-less, leaps with legs akimbo over Bruce and Gene.

After a little more clowning around with the band, the video ends with the girl lying on her covered loveseat as her curtains magically return to their original positions. We see her hand turn off a light switch, then as the light bulb turns on it starts pouring, yes, inside the room, as she's lying on the divan. As the camera approaches the girl, we see Paul's face superimposed. He's using his index fingers to mime "windshield wipers" in front of his eyes.

THE VERDICT Well. I'll be the first to admit that this is the hardest I've been on a video to date, but I would also have to say that this video seems to have been asking for it. The main problem? Kiss. Before you freak out, let me explain.

If "Tears Are Falling" was a song by any other band, it'd be a pretty good song -- maybe even a pretty great song. But Kiss are doing it, not, say, Pretty Boy Floyd (just to use a random example -- and yes, I can't find an even semi-legit link for them), which puts it in the context of other Kiss songs ("Strutter," "I Love it Loud," "Calling Dr. Love," to name some of my favorites), not Pretty Boy Floyd songs ("I Wanna Be With You," "Set the Night On Fire," e.g.). Do you see how this begins to be an unfavorable comparison? If a band like Pretty Boy Floyd had done this song, it would easily be the best song that they'd ever done. But since Kiss are doing it, and up till this point most Kiss songs are pretty good (we're still a couple of years away from "God Gave Rock N Roll to You" and "Crazy Nights"), this is a pretty bad Kiss song. But it's an even worse Kiss video.

Admittedly, unlike all of these other bands, Kiss are not products of the music video era -- they're precursors to it. That said, they definitely aren't (or weren't, I guess) at any point amateurs when it comes to manipulating their image, a point which only leads me to the greater question of why'd they ever lose the makeup, but that's one I'm not even going to touch. This does, however, explain why in their videos from the 80s Paul suddenly appears to be the band's unequivocal leader (just look at Gene -- that's why).

Paul's by far the most video-friendly band member, and in this video (and basically all of them) he's front and center, pouting and posing the whole time. He's also the only one shown with the woman in this video, implying it's a story about him (although based on his exaggerated pantomimes -- "Oh! I'm so sad for you"-- he seems pretty unsympathetic). Does any of this explain his excessively dandaical costumery? Well, no. Nothing really can, so we'll just have to accept the whole thing as something that seemed like a good idea at the time (just like taking off the makeup).

Dokken, "In My Dreams"

Dokken Mails It In (As Do I)

THE VIDEO Dokken, "In My Dreams," Under Lock and Key, 1985, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "In my dreams / it's still the same / your love is strong / it still remains / in my dreams / you're still by me / just the way it uuuuuu-used / to beee-eeeee"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Shadows of clouds pass over a cracked desert floor. One rock is missing, and through that we see the shadow of a man holding um... a welding thingy? A very large sparkler? Not sure. Anyway, he disappears really quickly and we see Don Dokken pumping his fist in the rain while wearing some sort of leather trench coat and a Richie Sambora cowboy hat (I don't know the name for it, but it's the one Richie always wears -- it's got a low, flat top and silver medallion things around the band).

Next we see Jeff Pilson shaking it in a sort of endless space with a black and white gridded floor, then Mick Brown drumming (with a big-ass gong behind him) in the rain, then Don again in the rain. He's in all black and also has on gloves and a large silver belt. Then we see Jeff again from overhead and then (finally!) there's George Lynch playing guitar in the rain. Mmmmm... hotness.



The camera stays on George for a second before we see Don make a stupid pouty face, then George's tiger-stripe guitar falls over onto the desert floor from the beginning. There's some more cutting back and forth between band members, then Don starts singing. He's in a weird fake room with a bluish-purple and white gridded floor, and giant images of Jeff (in front of fire) and George (in front of clouds) create "walls" behind him. Don dances around for a while, then for the pre-chorus we see everyone in the rain again. The chorus shows us Don fading into the desert floor, then Jeff superimposed on the grid background - and then Jeff just standing there singing. We see some shadowy landscape going by quickly, then we're back with Don again. He's punching at the air.

Luckily, we're back in the rain again. George looks super-steamy, Don does a turn-and-pose move reminiscent of Owen Wilson's dragon impression in Starsky and Hutch, and Mick makes water spray everywhere as he hits the skins. Mick and Jeff seem to be really enjoying themselves, whereas George gives the impression that he's doing his job and just putting up with this stupid idea of Don's.

The second verse has Don singing in front of the desert floor landscape for a while, then we see the orange guitar again, then everyone playing in the rain. Don's momentarily on the black grid again, then we see the blue grid, which now is showing blue sky on all three "walls" as the orange guitar flies through the air on the screens. Don reappears and the images on the screens change to a shadowy desert landscape. Finally, the guitar solo! George plays first in the rain, then on the black grid beside a large "wall" image of himself playing on the black grid (two George Lynches -- I can only imagine...sly wink). Next the two Georges are seen from overhead standing on an image of clouds. There are a couple of quick cuts of different George shots, then Mick starts really pounding in the rain and Don starts singing again.



We see shots of everyone in the rain, then the big sparkler comes back with each band member's face singing in front of it -- first Don, then Mick, then George (who you can barely see, grr grr), then Jeff. Then we see a cymbal hit as water splashes off of it, Jeff on the grid, George in the rain (all too briefly), and Don in the rain (way too long). After a couple of quick shots of everyone in the rain, we see Jeff and George playing on the blue grid with the walls showing outstretched hands making devil horns and Mick's huge face. They fade out and are replaced by Don. The video ends by pulling back on Don singing, and we emerge back through the random hole in the desert we came in through.

THE VERDICT So what if this isn't the most fascinating video you've ever seen? It's still got George Lynch in it, so guess what, we're still gonna talk about it. But yeah, George or no, this video is pretty bad. It evokes images of the set from Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" and a film I watched in health class in fourth grade (both involved grids).

Why did Dokken choose to just mail it in on this one? My guess (and this is an educated guess but nevertheless a total guess) is that since this was made at a point in time when the band was having serious issues with getting along with each other, they (or their manager, or the director, or whomever), was like, "Here, we'll do a video where none of you have to be in the same room. You barely even have to be in the same shot." Because even in the shots where more than one band member appears, they've just been cut and pasted into the shot -- no one's ever actually together.

So maybe that explains it. Though this isn't my favorite Dokken song (we all know it's "The Hunter"), it's still a good one, and it deserves better than this video. Even though I clearly have Don Dokken issues, I still think he's quite a good singer, and this song uses his voice to great effect. And I mean sheesh, it's called "In My Dreams," a title practically begging for a model in a diaphanous nightgown and the band getting lost in some sort of moonlit maze. But I guess no one felt up to that at the time.

Ozzy Osbourne, "Shot in the Dark"

Girls Gone Weird

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Shot in the Dark," The Ultimate Sin, 1986, Epic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Voices are calling from inside my head / I can hear them, I can hear them / vanishing mem'ries of things that were said / but they can't try to hurt me now-owww / but a shot in the da-a-ark / one step away from you / a shot in the da-a-ark / always creeping up on you"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A white convertible full of metal chicks pulls up to a small, cottage-style home as this video opens. Impatient to begin their night's debauchery, the car's occupants (two in the front, one in the back -- and let us note the driver's sunglasses at night and captain's hat capping off some seriously big hair) begin yelling, "Let's go! Come on, Julie!" even though their friend is clearly already out the door and possibly has just been waiting for them from on the porch. The driver shakes her head in disgust as all the girls jostle around to make room for their friend (Julie).

All are wearing black, denim, and lots of jewelry involving studs, crosses, etc. (I wish you ever saw them clearly enough to really go into their outfits, but throughout the video they're mostly visible from the shoulders up. All are (somewhat improbably, considering this is the world of metal videos) brunettes, the driver has the longest hair, the passenger's is chin-length, and the girl in the backseat's is about shoulder length, all teased to perfection. Julie climbs over the girl already in the back to get in the car, and we can see she's got on jeans, a denim vest with some kind of black lacy top underneath, a couple of studded belts, and one studded glove (left hand). She looks over her shoulder somewhat sadly and says, "bye," as her grandmother (a guess on my part -- this woman looks way too old to be her mother) waves in sort of a bemused way, as if she has no idea who the girl who just left her house is.

Anyway. As they head into what I'm assuming is L.A. (another guess on my part), everyone's ready to rock. The two shorter-haired gals are sitting on top of the seats, which causes the driver (sunglasses now on her nose) to roll her eyes. Apparently not willing to be too much of a cramp on their style, she then raises her fist and is like "Woooo! Rock!"

The girl in the backseat points out some weird building to Julie, but before we can really get a good look Ozzy's giant, glowing, disembodied head is singing in front of the scene. He floats along in front of the car as we watch the street go on behind him (or through him, rather), then we're back with the babes as they spot a dude putting up a billboard advertising The Ultimate Sin. They're all yelling and waving at him except for Julie, who looks at it in a weird, contemplative manner. Her friend in the backseat looks concerned for about two seconds, then rolls her eyes and brushes her off as Julie puts her hands to her head and glows white for a moment.



As we close in on the first chorus, we find ourselves first again with Ozzy's head but then finally at the Ozzy concert, where Julie's head again appears to be screaming for Excedrin. Her friends are already hooching it up and appear to have laid claim to a couple of not-hot guys, and they're pumping their fists in the air as a large puppet zombie thing (not unlike Eddie -- p.s. btw you have got to click on that link, it's frickin' awesome. I was Powerslave Eddie, fyi) descends to the stage. It's crappy, tiny hands and generally papier-mached appearance cause me to think that the people who now make those big puppets that are inevitably at protests are closet metal heads, because those things look just like this, only they're, you know, Uncle Sam instead of a zombie corpse thing.

Anyway, as it hits the stage we see sparks fly, the crowd rocking out, and then the corpse's arms swing open and Ozzy's sitting in their in an enormous white sequined cape looking for all the world just like Elizabeth Taylor (no, not the way she looks in this picture -- the way she looked in 1986). He hops out of there, strikes a pose, and somehow that causes a puff of smoke in which the cape disappears. Ozzy's now wearing a white sequined billowing top with a wide belt, pouffy sleeves, and a carwash-strip hem. He's also got a piece of the same material tied to his mic, and he's wearing black leather pants (and no shoes. Ozzy never seems to be wearing shoes onstage, at least not, again, during his Liz Taylor era).

For the whole second verse, we pretty much watch Ozzy sing and walk around, and we do also see bassist Phillip Soussan (the only link I can find for him involves his playing bass on a riverboat casino in Mississippi -- wow) and guitarist Jake E. Lee for about a second each. We also see a bunch of crowd shots, including one of the girl who was previously the driver. She's finally lost the hat and sunglasses, I am pleased to report. Meanwhile, Ozzy et al. are rocking out, as are the other concert-goers, but every time Ozzy says, "shot in the dark" Julie's hands go to her head again. Ouch! As the chorus wraps up, she realizes she's suddenly gotten a manicure (long, black nails) mid-concert.

In the bridge, however, she suddenly has a new expression -- it's hard to describe precisely, but she definitely seems more in control (or at least she's conquered her headache). Jake E. works his way through the solo while Ozzy affably bobbles around, and the other chicks from the car continue to dance. Then as Ozzy says "shot in the dark" for about the jillionth time, Julie looks chagrined yet again as she realizes that her hair's getting pretty big and funky, and she's also now wearing an Ozzy-like billowing white blouse (mercifully sans sequins). Two seconds later though (as Ozzy's saying "nothing that you can do") she's gnashing her teeth and raising a hand in the air.



Ozzy then points into the crowd at her and beckons. And now, we finally solve the mystery of what the hell is happening. As we see Julie, her hand all stretched out in a funky claw and now wearing zebra-stripe spandex pants, it becomes clear as the camera pans up that she has now turned into the lady on the album cover for The Ultimate Sin, complete with glowing red eyes. We then see her, standing zombie-like, in a split screen first with Ozzy, then with fans, then Ozzy makes a scary face. Grr! Then we see the now-complete album artwork billboard from the beginning of the video (just for dumbasses who don't know what the album looks like).

And just like that, we're back on the road with Julie's trampy friends, who've taken those guys from the concert home with them but who don't seem concerned that they left their friend at the concert (admittedly though, from what we've seen of them, concern would be out of character). And on top of them, we still have the giant ghost Ozzy face singing. As the driver hits the brakes, one of the girls goes, "Awwwwwwwww, check it out! Is that Julie?" and another goes "No way!" The first girl goes, "No, it is her!" as the camera pans up to show us the billboard more clearly now.

And I mean, I guess it's her, but it's a crappy painting. It brings to mind Napoleon Dynamite's amazing "I spent three hours shading your upper lip" school of portraiture more than competent album art, but whatever. If they want to reassure themselves that she's now up on a billboard and not like, throwing up in a Port-a-Potty back at the arena, that's cool too.

THE VERDICT As Ozzy videos go, this one's not my favorite, but it's not bad either. I like how this weird girl actually ties together the different videos from the album, even if she is a sort of odd choice (she looks like she could be the daughter of the woman in "Wild Child", actually). I think the video's high point are 1), Ozzy's deteriorating appearance and penchant for sequins, and the similarity of both to Elizabeth Taylor's during the 80s, and 2) Julie's trashy friends.

Growing up, a couple of girls who looked just like this (and, incidentally, had a convertible, but it was red and much newer) lived across the street from us, and I was always pretty fascinated with them. They lived with their equally trashy mom, who had married the owner of the house (who was half her age, and they had met I think on a bus). Anyway. I remember that one time I got to go over there (I was much, much younger than these girls -- the younger of the two was I think like seven years older than me or something, which when you yourself are seven is a huge age gap).

Anyway, I don't remember it that well, but I do remember being really impressed with the way that they had absolutely plastered the place with posters of Poison and Lisa Frank-style unicorns. It was pretty awesome.

There was also a girl my age who lived quite far up the road, but whose house I also went to once or twice. She had a sister who was almost ten years older than her who commandeered a basement bedroom that was all fake wood paneling and Mötley Crüe posters. That was pretty badass.

Anyway, my point is, I never actually spent any time whatsoever with the older sisters in either house (in the case of the one across the street, I don't remember ever even seeing her up close), but either way, I definitely conjectured that their lives were like this. Turning it on and hitting a concert in their convertible and their acid-washed jeans. Who knows what they were really like, but the point is, it's videos like this that gave my impressionable young mind any idea what chicks like that were like (which was, at the time, of course what I thought I wanted to be like -- I was so going to grow up, get a perm, and become Rick Allen's best friend. But that's another story).

Def Leppard, "Foolin'"

Nobody's Fa-fa-fool

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Foolin'", Pyromania 1983, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Is anybody out there? / Anybody they-ere? / Does anybody wonder? / Oh oh does anybody cay-a-a-are? / Oh / I just gotta know / If you're really they-ay-ere / and you really care-are / 'cause baby I'm not / f-f-f-foolin'"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This song opens with a bit of what I think is acoustic guitar, but which is in the video dramatized by a weird looking woman who has her eyes sewn shut playing a harp surrounded by fire (see? This is so why I live for this stuff). Then Joe Elliott's head appears in a little halo of light in the upper righthand corner when he starts singing. The screen does this crappy page-turning effect, revealing Joe singing into a microphone. This is before Hysteria, so he doesn't have his notorious hockey haircut. Instead, he has a totally cute Jane Fonda-style shag.

Smoke starts billowing behind Joe, then we see the harp lady again before panning out to see the whole band. My man Steve Clark turns out to have been the one with the acoustic guitar, but he throws it to the side as Joe kicks in with his patented high-pitched but not loud screaming. With "Is anybody out there?" we find that Joe is chained to a triangular-shaped platform accented with red neon that's attached to a sort of a giant skull. The whole set he's in is sort of like Metropolis, but like, if Metropolis had a crapload of skulls on top of all the buildings. (For real: I had my film geek bf look at it and he was like, "Eh, I'll allow it). Anyway, Joe is splay-legged with his wrists chained by his sides, and he keeps arching his back. He's wearing a tiny white sleeveless shirt and high-waisted white pants (I think their record company just supplied DL with an endless stream of high-waisted white pants -- in all of their old videos at least half the band is rocking them).



Anyway. Joe bops around enough to make sparks explode where his wrists are bound, but it doesn't set him free. Instead, it just cues flashpots back on Def Leppard's set. We finally see shots of the rest of the band, starting with Rick Savage (white shirt, high-waisted red pants), then going to Rick Allen (who admittedly at all times eschews white pants in favor of Union Jack tiny shorts and nothing else), then Phil Collen (black or navy shirt with white polka dots, high-waisted white pants). We don't see Steve, but I can tell you he's wearing high-waisted white pants, a white blazer, and a navy bandanna. Hot! Anyway, we're in the chorus again (already!) and now we see everyone singing. Steve and Phil share a mic since they're totally BFF, and both Ricks sing too.

As the chorus ends, another flashpot goes off, and we get a shot of someone adjusting a spotlight (this shot does not necessarily feel intentional -- why the hell is it in there?). The harp lady comes back, then we see Joe trying to use pelvic thrusts to free himself from his triangular prison as more smoke pours in, then (again) the fake page-turning effect. The page turns onto a shadowy set with some fake sunset clouds painted on in the background. A woman who looks like she's going to be all hot and turns out to be really scary looking (she looks like the "Queen of the Reich" without her helmet) gazes into a crystal ball. She sees Joe chained to the thing with the sparks exploding at his wrists, then sees him singing. For some reason, this makes her scream, then her image turns into a little triangle that flies backward into the fake sunset clouds.

This enables Joe to finally break free, and he holds his hands up and sort of screams at them. He sits all the way up, then we see more of the band playing normally and as we hit the chorus, we see Joe hurrying, stooped over, through a dark room lit only by some random neon rods. There are a series of explosions behind him and he hustles on out of there. Then we see some kind of small explosion in front of a crappy skull picture, and on stage Joe thrusts his mic stand at the camera as Phil tears into the guitar solo. We see a lot of him down on his knees, and I must say he can bend pretty far in his white pants, even if all this posturing is to the exclusion of seeing very much of Steve, who stays in the back.



As the chorus is reprised, we see the crappy skull drawing lit from above by what appears to be maybe a hole with the grim reaper peeping through it? More light is cast and we see that the skull is on the wall in a stonewalled room with flames coming out of a hole in the floor. More flames shoot up, then the band members "jump up" from inside the hole (i.e., they play footage of the band members jumping into the hole backward). For the final "and you really care-are" we get a close-up of Joe, who for various reasons unknown to us has matted down his hair and changed into a different white tank top that say "Le Club" on it in pale blue. Yowza.

The fake page turning thing again gives us the band performing. Steve and Phil are again sharing a mic, which awesomely shows off how Steve's spotted bandanna/scarf totally matches Phil's shirt, which I love. Joe's still in the Le Club shirt, implying to me more that they shot this video sequentially than that they were worried about continuity. The video ends with Joe jumping off the stage, then a triangular picture of him chained to that thing flying backward as everyone left onstage raises their fists and a wall of flashpots go off.

THE VERDICT This song has a lot of things going in its favor. One, to my mind a good Def Leppard video should make you want to put on a bandanna, stat, and this one definitely does. Steve Clarke (my personal favorite Leppard, god rest his soul) is looking h-o-t! No man can rock a jacket shirtless like he. Second, cowbell. Mad cowbell! Which I love. Plus it has the positive association of making me think about college. When I was in school, I often ran on campus and in the neighborhood surrounding, and I'd always listen to my trusty Walkman (and yes, I didn't go to college very long ago -- I just loved my kickass cassette collection way too much to ever really bother with CDs. I went straight from a Walkman to an iPod, with nary a Discman between. No joke). Anyway, when I wasn't blasting the soundtrack to Less Than Zero or Night Songs, I usually tuned to a local classic rock station that was generally inoffensive. The one song, however, that they were always guaranteed to play -- they must have played it once an hour, there was just no other explanation for the fact that they played it all the freakin' time -- was "Foolin.'" So yeah, I have many, many memories of running, listening to this song.

Hmm, I guess reading back over this it was at that point that I decided my post was done. Some kicker, eh?

P.S.: Post updated with big, colorful, new images April 2010!

Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Cage Match!

THE VIDEO Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane," Love at First Sting 1984, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "More days to come / new places to go / I've got to leave / it's time for ah shoooooooow / Here I am / Rock you like a hurricane / amamamamamamammamamamamah!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Okay, this one starts off by throwing a lot of information our way very rapidly, so bear with me and we'll try to get through it, since it's mostly pretty badass stuff. We've got heavily made-up babes shaking a cage, another one kind of slapping her hand down, drums being struck, more cage rattling, more babes, more cage, more babes, a jaguar or a leopard, one of the babes swiping at her face and creating instant new wave makeup, cage rattling, a jaguar and a panther, the band playing, the jaguar (I think it's a jaguar anyway) walking with its leash visible, drummer Herman Rarebell, a bunch of folks I'd describe as cheesy Hanna Barbera villains (they look like crappy frog people wearing nuns' habits stolen from the one of HB's truly pathetic space cartoons, say Pussycats in Outer Space or Yogi's Space Race) standing over a glowing cauldron then running away from a flash of light, Matthias Jabs rocking out, more cage rattling, more band, more panther, more face scratching, still more cage rattling, Rudolf Schenker makes a scary face, more babes walk toward the camera, cage, babes, panther roars, babe slaps something again, people try to reach their hands through the cage and ...Phew! We've finally made it up to where the song actually starts (about 40 seconds in, but who's counting).

So we know we're in some kind of alien world where big cats and women in kabuki/Adam Ant style makeup and wigs (they're definitely supposed to be hot, but they always make me think of that other Teutonic terror Nina Hagen) run wild and the Scorpions are forced to play in cages. Also, there's that trio of weird baddies, a frequently occurring motif in heavy metal videos (Think the hooded weirdos in "Rock of Ages" or the cat-eyed robed people in "Holy Diver." Is this an allusion to the witches in Shakespeare's Hamlet? Or just something someone did once in the early 80s, and then everyone else decided it was supercool?).

Anyway, we get a better sense of where we are as the song starts. We see a reddish-purple cave dripping with stalactites and lit both from torches and a greenish glowing fog on the floor. There are a bunch of big tubes (I know I describe everything this way, but for real, they do look like a human size Habitrail) splayed out also. Round lights in the middle of the tubes start pulsing, and as Klaus Meine begins singing, his tube raises straight up (did I mention also the tubes have blue neon floors, not unlike that of a tanning bed). We start cutting back and forth between Klaus and performance footage of the Scorps as a bewigged lady who is also wearing a cat mask that appears to be made of foil lets him out of his pod. She puts her hands on his shoulders and he kind of shrugs her off, then we're with the badly costumed nuns/witches/whatevers. They're shaking their fingers over their big cauldron, and we can kind of see that their faces are just like plain black masks but their eyes are like giant bug eyes made of vertical strips of mirrored material.

Klaus walks by them through a forest of spiky "trees" made from wrapping paper tubes spray-painted silver (I'm so certain about this because I could swear that when I was in second grade a teacher tried to buy these for the set of our play "The Jabberwocky" from a PBS auction). He walks by the dudes with the cauldron, which makes the cauldron light up and they run away, as do some more of them who I guess were in the background before but I couldn't see them.



As the first chorus kicks up, we finally really see the Scorpions performing the song in a giant cage. As per all other videos involving giant cages, the cage has no top or bottom and is actually more like a fence of large panels (they look like the doors of jail cells) that are somehow tied together so that the whole thing moves as if jointed. Klaus runs along the front and high-fives a bunch of hands that are sticking through, then runs by what appears to be a person strung up by their feet hanging in the middle of the cage (wha...?).

They all rock out while a first row of oddly made up ladies (they all have giant black wigs on with white faces except for a wide stripe of red that goes through their eyes) rock the cage and a second row, further back, wave their arms around. Okay, now I see how the Scorpions got into the cage -- there is a door at the back behind the drummer, lit in bright blue. So even though these ladies imprisoned the Scorpions in those pods, once they got out of those pods, they appeared to be the entertainment for those ladies in some kind of larger prison (since now the Scorps appear to be in charge -- I mean, these future alien babes or whatever they are can't get at them through the bars).

The whole second verse we're still with the Scorps rocking out in the cage. Matthias makes a weird face, the women stick their hands into the cage, and it's edited together so that someone's always doing something dramatic (like swinging a guitar) on the beat. Same for the second chorus -- it's basically the same stuff, although Klaus is now making a point of like, running up to the cage to taunt the women so they'll all stick their hands through, then running away. And in fact, as Matthias gears up for and goes into the guitar solo, he goes ahead and backs up all the way against the cage so that they are able to grab him (and get him in sort of a headlock) as he imperviously rages on, dishing up a heaping helping of guitar face.

As Klaus reprises the opening, we see a bunch of the women walk through a foggy hall lit by torches (but somehow, the light in there is still very blue). We can now for the first time get a really good look at how long their hair is (butt-length, but impossible thick all the way to the ends) and how scantily they're clad (also very; red tube tops and loin cloths plus some random strips of fabric). We randomly see a very sick or dead looking man's face all tied up with something (possibly the dude we saw hanging upside down in that one shot earlier?). The girls head back into the room with the pods, and as Klaus starts singing, "the night is coming / I have to gooo" for the second time, one of the ladies shaking the cage bars finally (and somewhat explosively) breaking through them as the band rocks out. All she does once in the cage though is kind of wave her arms around, since for some reason it's suddenly pretty windy in there.



Now the band also runs down the foggy hallway (my favorite part of this is when Matthias gently tosses his guitar to someone standing mm, my guess would be like two feet off screen), but yeah, they all do this like slow jog. A pod closes first on Francis Buchholz then on one of the ladies (I've always found this kind of discomforting as it snaps shut on her hair), then on another lady, then on Matthias, then another lady, then on probably Rudolf, then another lady (I could have sworn there were only five pods before, but whatever), then on Herman, then another lady. Last we see Klaus, in his pod (which is still standing up) saying, "Here I am" with other ladies sexily arrayed among the other pods.

THE VERDICT Explicating the many mysteries of this video was one of my inspirations in beginning this site, so I will do my best now that I finally have it. It combines two video genres I love: Trapped in pods (a la Def Leppard's "Foolin'" and of course most infamously, Spinal Tap) and trapped in a cage (see everything from Mötley Crüe's "Looks That Kill" to Nine Inch Nails' "Wish" to most Megadeth videos). Of course in this case, as in many other videos involving cages, the Scorps don't seem to mind being held in said cage, it is, after all, protecting them from the swarms of alien babes (and the panther) outside. It then definitely falls into what I have elsewhere here referred to as the preadolescent stage of heavy metal videos, with women as sexy yet scary captors/captives. You just don't get the feeling anyone's up to anything frisky in those pods, you know?

That said, this is obviously one of my personal faves and a total classic, even if I'm not sure who's imprisoning whom or what it's really about or where the convention of having random robed people who only show up at the beginning of your video and serve no real purpose comes from. It still totally rocks out -- it's the kind of song you like would hear when you'd been driving for hours and then feel totally revived after you heard it. And of course I have to say that it also has for me in recent years the great tie-in with my favorite episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force entitled "The Last One," in which all of the villains from all of the previous episodes get together to try to defeat the Aqua Teens. Ignignokt leads the meeting and when he calls roll he says something like, "If you are present, you shall say 'Here,' and it will stand for, 'Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.'" Then of course all the villains start saying it, which I find hilarious. Someday I will so make a t-shirt that says "Here I Am" on the front and "Rock You Like a Hurricane" on the back. That would be so totally badass.

Okay so I obviously like the song, but what about the video? Well, even though as I've alluded above I find it has enormous similarities to many, many other videos of the era, I still really like this video. What makes it so memorable? I think it has to do with the charisma of the Scorpions themselves. I mean, editing the thing together so that something cool's always happening every time the drums are hit helps, but it's really their enthusiastic showmanship that sells this video. Even when you can't see them that well, the band members are constantly moving around and rocking it out, and no matter who's being shown during the chorus, they're yelling, "Rock You Like a Hurricane." They have an enthusiasm not unlike that of Poison, who we all know I find to be particularly affable gents. And even though my bf always argues that "wanting everyone to be 'nice guys'" isn't a particularly helpful way to create one's taste, I say whatever. I'm a sucker for nice guys (and for Nikki Sixx).

Ratt, "Round and Round"

Somebody Call the Exterminator

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Round and Round," Out of the Cellar, 1984, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Round and round / with love we'll find a way just give it time / round and round / what comes around goes around / I'll tell you why"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video starts out with a butler carrying a silver tray entering a room where a group of six or so well-to-do people are having a candlelit dinner. At one head of the table sits a spooky young gal sporting some serious bling bling (a rather large necklace and a tiara), who has a man on her left and a woman in white on her right (who the butler offers the tray to first). As the man on the girls' right speaks, we see some shadows running past the window behind him, and the spooky girl notices. She's wearing a black strapless gown, fairly severe makeup, and has long, dark hair with very short, straight bangs (my candidate for weirdest looking video babe ever -- she looks more like a fashion model than a stripper, which could account somewhat for her out of place appearance). She's the only one who notices the shadows -- or no, the butler does too. He nods approval.

Next we see Ratt rocking out in a musty attic full of old junk (a bicycle's visible toward the front, plus a lot of trunks and stuff), with what I've always thought was a large clock but is probably a round window behind them. Stephen Pearcy is dressed like a cross between a pirate and a member of The Hart Foundation.

But before I can go any further into this, we're back downstairs again with the dinner crowd. At the head of the table opposite the spooky girl sits Milton Berle (who's in this video because he literally was Uncle Miltie to Ratt's manager at the time, Marshall Berle). He's got a woman in black on his left and then umm, himself in drag sitting on his right. He stops eating and looks up, annoyed and grabbing at his ear. Ratt are rocking out as an actual rat looks on.

Now I can't read lips so I can't guarantee the accuracy of what the people are saying in this video, but Milton Berle's gestures upward and says something like, "Do you hear that?" The spooky gal looks up and shakes her head no while Stephen executes a very David Lee Roth-like kick. Milton Berle mimes playing a guitar and says something I can't catch, then looks disgusted. He says, I think, "Do you hear that upstairs?" causing himself in drag (white sequined dress, heavy lipstick, weird red wig, long white gloves) to look over.



Drag Milton looks over, flattered, then looks up and makes an "ewww" face and says, "That's terrible." Regular Milton then gestures and says something to imply that the two of them should go upstairs, because Drag Milton says, "Should we go?" and then adjusts her boobs. Regular Milton gets up in disgust, grabs a cigar, and then both Miltons exit the room just in time for the chorus.

The lady in white talks to the spooky girl as the butler comes around to pour more wine, and the girl notices he's wearing a studded leather wristband. She looks up at him and smiles a little, and he very quickly snaps his arm away so his jacket cuff covers it again. As Stephen sings, "Lookin' at you / Lookin' at me" the girl looks up, and Stephen sort of crawls on the floor a little. Downstairs, the little lamps on the wall start shaking, and everyone looks up, then continues eating. We then see a white-gloved hand capture the rat that had been enjoying the show upstairs beneath a silver serving platter lid.

After a little cutting back and forth between Stephen and the girl, she exits the dinner table rather abruptly, though her fellow diners quickly shrug it off. She starts going up the stairs as the butler is coming down, and the guy at the dinner table sees something drop from the ceiling into his food. They notice that the ceiling is starting to crack as Robbin Crosby and Juan Croucier put their heads together and sing along, and a chunk of plaster falls into the woman in black's wine glass.

At the top of the stairs, the spooky girl makes eye contact with the butler, who nods, and the band kicks in to the second chorus. Downstairs, everyone grins as the butler brings in the big silver platter with the main course, but when he takes the lid off they're all shocked (but not too shocked -- this must have taken a few takes) to see that the platter is covered with fancy rats (they're pet store rats -- certainly not New York City rats).

The butler nods, and then Warren DeMartini jumps through the ceiling and crash lands on the dinner table for the guitar solo. The diners all protest, eventually leaving, and as he points at the ceiling Robbin continues the solo.

As they reprise the opening of the song, it turns out that there's a strobe light in the stairwell. Also, the spooky girl has lost her dress, tiara, and apparently, her wig, as well as changed her makeup. She's now got smoky eyes, silver lipstick, a black and gray Mia Farrow haircut, and appears to be molting silver latex. She also has on one giant earring. She sort of looks like a less attractive Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element (a movie I completely loathe but, whatever, that's what she looks like). Anyway, she's rolling around on the stairs struggling her way out of this weird second skin (sort of like a snake or a bug or something).



Ratt goes for the chorus one last time, and she crawls up the stairs and then kind of hops into the corner (like that weird little thing from The Lord of the Rings -- no, obviously I don't watch these things) stays hunched over and keeps hopping closer and closer to the band, and she's molted her way down to wearing a minidress. She dances around as the band rocks out, and then also see that the butler is watching too, and he's now wearing one of those awesome t-shirts that have like all the bones in the ribcage and spine printed on the front, a satin Ratt jacket, and black lipstick while pumping his fist in the air. He looks like Riff Raff, the butler in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. At the very end, we see that he's dancing on the ravaged dinner table, and our parting shot is one of the real rats again.

THE VERDICT Full disclosure: Until relatively recently, I didn't have the highest opinion of Ratt. Yeah, I liked this song and a couple others, yeah, I thought Warren DeMartini was hot, yeah, I had seen that picture of Stephen Pearcy with Drew Barrymore and knew he was all BFF with Vince Neil, but I just wasn't convinced they were an especially good band. I think this opinion can actually be blamed on two things: One, excessive viewing of the video for "Way Cool Jr." and two, a VH1 interview I saw with Bobby Blotzer where he kept going "Ratt N Roll forever, man" and it struck me as really, really depressing.

I am pleased to note however that I have managed to see beyond these two things, to the extent even that during an otherwise quiet Scrabble game against my dad and my bf the video for "I Want a Woman" came on and I yelled "RRRAAAAATTTTTTTTT!" in a voice neither they nor myself previously knew me to possess. I think a lot of it is my recent extensive perusal of back issues (from like 1986 and 1987) of Circus and Hit Parader, which made me really appreciate the insane popularity of Ratt at the time (in spite of everyone basically acknowledging that Robbin Crosby was a total tool) and made me think it was time to take a second look.

Hence, with Ratt, for whatever reason, I chose to start with their first video. Now obviously, it seems like they threw Milton Berle in there just as a gimmick and well, because they could. But the rest of this video is not so obvious. First, there's the very random choice of the really strange looking video chick. Considering Stephen was once called one of the "Bordello Brothers," this girl does not have the obvious appeal of say a Bobbie Brown or a Stephanie Seymour.

Then there's the whole plot of the video. Ratt, rats, and a rocker butler ruin a fancy dinner. Huh? Though Ratt seem oddly positioned to give a commentary on class in American society, the overall message seems to be that the proletariat will harness the power of rock to overpower polite society and get the chick, even if she's possibly an alien or an insect and even if your weapons used are vermin and the elderly. There will be punishment for trying to keep rock and the people down in the cellar (or up in the attic) and, as the song says, "what goes around comes around." Or am I digging too deep here, and should I simply say, "Wooooo, Ratt N Roll Forever"?