Twisted Sister feat. Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel"

Schoolday of the Dead  

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister featuring Alice Cooper, "Be Chrool to Your Scuel", Come Out and Play, 1985, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / 'Cause you may never get another! / Be cruel to your schoo-ool! / In the name of rock n' roll!" 

THE VERDICT Never seen this one before? Not too surprising — MTV rejected it as too offensive at the time, Vh-1 Classic doesn't even air it now, and even Twisted Sister themselves have more or less buried it. 

It's pretty much their Heaven's Gate. What with all the celeb guests — Alice Cooper, obviously, as well as Bobcat Goldthwait; but behind the scenes you've purportedly got Brian Setzer, Clarence Clemons, and most bizarrely, Billy Joel — clearly this production cost a ton. We've moved beyond just like, people who are only famous for being in Animal House (though I know, Niedermeyer goes on to be the Maestro in Seinfeld. But that comes later). I think they pretty much blew their Stay Hungry money on this one. 

And as the opening of this video pointedly reminds us, Dee Snider was feeling pretty self-righteous about censorship as it was, having somewhat inadvertently having become the face (and voice) of heavy metal during the Parents Music Resource Center hearings (no one else from the world of metal really showed up to testify). It's no wonder that after working up this whole song and video only to have MTV pretty much kill it, they decided to shelve the whole thing. 

You also have to imagine that all the non-Dee Snider members of Twisted Sister weren't that into it anyway, as they barely figure in the video to begin with. All they really get to do is open lockers and peek inside. 

Anyway, the video begins with two quotes, both from the September 28, 1985 U.S. Senate Hearings on Rock Lyrics. First, from Dee: "Our videos are simply meant to be cartoons with human actors." Second, from Senator Ernest Hollings (D-SC, but really that D is in the old-line, Strom Thurmond southern Democrat sense): "It's just outrageous filth." 

I have to say, I do appreciate that at least at some point, something cool got discussed during one of these things. When I was in college, I had a work-study job at the library, and I worked in the government documents collection. OMG, does the U.S. government pump out a lot of paper. I spent a lot of time shelving the Congressional Record, so I'm glad that at least in 1985 it might have included some of this.

 

Then we get a lengthy vignette featuring Bobcat Goldthwait as a frantic high school teacher. Yeah, I kind of relate to this sequence. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I will just kind of go out of body for a second and be like, "Wait, does what I'm saying make sense at all? Or am I just saying completely random things?" I mean, the answers are always yes, and then no, but it's kind of like how sometimes you'll be driving your car, and suddenly you'll have a moment where you're like 'Oh, whoa, I'm driving right now', almost as if you somehow forgot you were driving? 

I know, I'm making you fear for the educational future of your children or whatnot right now. But really, if you're reading this, you should probably already be worried about your kids, heh heh. 

Anyway, the bell rings, and we get the usual teacher-gets-jostled-about-in-the-crowd-of-students shot. Does this ever really happen, outside of heavy metal videos and charismatic-teacher/principal-turns-around-a-troubled-school movies? I don't remember ever being in such a hurry to leave class that I needed to like, trample somebody. 

Fade to Bob quickly regaining his composure in an incredibly spacious teacher's lounge, with giant windows and ample seating. He grabs his Walkman from a cubby and settles into a couch beside another teacher who's also listening to headphones. The first teacher asks him what he's listening to, and Bob responds by yelling "TWISTED SISTER!" right into the guy's face. 

The other teacher plugs his headphones into Bob's giant Walkman so he can listen too, and suddenly — two full freakin' minutes in — Bob opens his eyes and transforms into Dee Snider. And the other teacher opens his eyes and transforms into Alice Cooper! 

There's spooky blue lighting, and dry ice fog, and naturally the other teachers have become Mark Mendoza, Jay Jay French, etc. I also enjoy how everyone demonstrates their transformation by looking at their palms in astonishment. 

Is that what one does when one wakes up as someone else? At least in Big and 17 Again and The Hot Chick and stuff like that, people react by looking in mirrors and completely freaking out and screaming a lot and stuff. But I think they decided (rightly) that this video was long enough.

 

Dee and Alice head into the hall and yup, the students are zombies. This is like the one heavy metal video about school that doesn't use some kind of A Clockwork Orange-type scenario, but zombies give you the same idea I suppose — less that education is force-fed, but still the same idea that it is somehow mindless. 

Despite the fact that Dee and Alice just push past the zombies, who seem totally harmless and uninterested in eating their brains, it's clearly the zombie footage that got this video nixed. Probably the grossest thing in it is the zombies-making-out scene, which involves one zombie sort of trying to pull the other zombie's jaw off—yup, it looks like when David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen make out, only with rotting flesh. 

But on the plus, it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes in the best-show-you-haven't-watched, Bob's Burgers — Tina's zombie dream. Seriously, I love everything Jon Benjamin does so much.

Actually, it's not just the making out. A lot of disgusting stuff happens in this video. A student leaves an apple on teacher Dee's desk, and his hand and forearm get left along with it. 

Then again, I feel like worse stuff (and with much more realistic special effects) happens in "Thriller." I mean when that one corpse has all that green stuff come out of its mouth? Gee-ross. Okay, but then Dee acts like he's going to eat the arm, so. Michael Jackson did a lot of weird stuff, but cannibalism (or would this be like, necrophagy or something?) wasn't among it. 

The cafeteria scene is oddly reminiscent of "Hot for Teacher," with the band playing on a raised platform in one corner. But why is the lunch lady serving the zombies rubber rats? Shouldn't she be serving them brains? Or at least cold spaghetti noodles and peeled grapes? (Come on, you never did that when you were a kid? "These were his eyes!")

 

Okay, actually I think the grossest scene in this video is — well I'm not sure what's happening. At first it seems like it's the school nurse, but then you see other kids watching, so maybe it's some kind of bio class. But a zombie teacher is decapitating one zombie student, and then a student in the classroom imitates this by ripping open his own neck and going for what's in there. Yeah, it's early in the morning as I write this and that's making me feel a little queasy. Tracheotomies freak me out. (Wait, are there people who aren't freaked out by tracheotomies? Don't answer that.)

Suddenly Alice is dressed as a doctor too, and he shines his little light in one student's ear and has it come out the other. WTF is going on in this video?! Annnnd now he's got a scalpel out. Sorry Dee, but this is no Wile E. Coyote-style giant Acme anvil. You're getting a little too gruesome with this one. 

Though to his credit, he does use a fire extinguisher on the home ec teacher whose hands are on fire. But now Dee's biting people again. Is he the only real zombie here? 

There's a sequence with a zombie band playing that's pretty straightforward, and I assume is covering for the fact that aside from Alice, they couldn't actually get any of their guest musicians to appear in the video. Hence a zombie stand-in for Clarence Clemons, etc. Apparently this is where the bar was for him (RIP): He'd be in a Lady GaGa video, but not this. 

As the zombie students crowd into the auditorium, Twisted Sister quickly run to replace the zombie band. Speaking of zombies, have I mentioned yet that Alice Cooper looks freakin' exhausted in this video? You can tell the whole time that Dee is so into it, but Alice looks like he's barely even going through the motions.

 

Anyway, the whole zombie crew pours through the halls, and we get a quick meet-the-band sequence actually showing the non-Dee members of Twisted Sister — hey, remember them? 

Then we're back in the now normally-lit teachers' lounge with Bob, who's waking up. Wait, was it all just a dream? He puts his Walkman back in his cubby and heads out into the hall — where he is instantly smothered with zombie hands. Dunt-dunt-DAH! 

I think this video's biggest downfall might not even be the video — it's the song. Now I know I'm no big Twisted Sister fan, but among their singles I think this is actually the weakest. It's clear they love mining the look, feel, and sound of the 50s/pre-Beatles 60s (I mean remember what the other big single from this album was?). But this bizarre homage to the Beach Boys' "Be True to Your School" just doesn't work.  

P.S.: Oh my gosh, even in this already super-long post, I can't believe I forgot the one salient successful element of this video — it was one of the first things Luke Perry was cast in, and Twisted Sister are at times credited with having 'discovered' the future Dylan McKay. Can you believe it? 

I can't for the life of me figure out who he is in this video. He would have been about 19 or 20 when it was shot. My first guess was the kid in the center of the first photo strip, but he seems too young. Then again, Luke was playing high school-aged Dylan whilst in his late 20s/early 30s, so maybe when he actually was that age he looked like he was a tween? My second guess is the self tracheotomy guy (left photo in the bottom strip), though that might be the same guy. What do you all think? 

P.P.S.: Get it? Like the George Romero sequel?

  

Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman"

Cowboys and Tarzans and Napoleon, Oh My!  

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "(Oh) Pretty Woman," Diver Down, 1982, Warner Bros. SAMPLE LYRIC "Oh you look love-ly, as you could beee / are you lonely just, like meeeeeee? / [Growl]" 

THE VERDICT Van Halen's first video that isn't just performance taped for Musikladen or one of those kinds of shows, and zoinks, it's a total WTF-fest. I find a lot of people aren't familiar with it unless they're either a) serious David Lee Roth fans or b) serious viewers of Vh-1 classic, since MTV wouldn't air it back in the day. 

Considering that by their fourth album you'd assume Van Halen were making decent music video money, this low-budget weird-off makes no sense. Seriously, it's like the Manos, The Hands of Fate of music videos. 

Lord only knows where this was filmed. I'm guessing it's winter in California — there aren't leaves on the trees, but there are leaves on everything else, and it looks sunny but kinda cold, so we'll go with SoCal winter. The main action appears to take place in I don't even know what — a ghost town? A long-abandoned girl-scout camp? Seriously, I've got nothing here. 

But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. I should note that in a bizarre touch, the video starts not just with the camera panning around this strange landscape, but also by establishing what we're watching (something you almost never see, except in much later high-end rap videos, where it's usually meant more to imitate movies). First we see "Van Halen" written in giant stone letters, a la Monty Python's Life of Brian logo. Then we get "in", done in Western-looking rope letters. Finally, "Pretty Woman," done tiki-style. These type treatments give us some idea of the narrative consistency to come. 

With the song's lengthy instrumental opening, we move through this weird empty town (or whatever it is) to find a very slim woman in a white dress, nylons, gold heels, and a white headband who has been bound by her hands between two posts. She's struggling, and being aggressively fondled by a pair of little men who appear to be clad in red long underwear. I want to say this is the weirdest part of the video, but honestly it's probably not. It is, however, the part that MTV was not down with at the time.

 

We then go inside one of the shacks, where the little-person-bondage action is playing on a TV set that's covered in sort of security guard detritus (a bunch of empty coffee cups, what appears to be a plate of partially-eaten chicken). There's a little Quasimodo-type guy dressed in colorful clothing watching the TV from across the room. He jumps up and races toward the camera, and we see him bending in to twist knobs (as if we were behind the TV's screen). 

Some people claim it's David Lee Roth playing the hunchback, but I think that's just 'cause both make exaggerated faces. The hunchback sort of freaks out and spins across his little garbage-strewn room (which is illuminated by a bare light bulb — weird that it's this crap-looking but still has full-color surveillance capabilities, isn't it?). He climbs up a very rustic-looking ladder — apparently he has a better view of the lady being tortured from his second floor than he does from his TV. 

He runs back downstairs and — of course — gets on the phone. 'Cause yeah, even though based on the buildings' appearances this place wouldn't even have running water, they have electricity and phone service. Who ya gonna call? (Oh crap, now I'm gonna have the Ghostbusters theme stuck in my head all day. Whatever, I've brought it on myself.) 

Anyway, he calls Michael Anthony, who's elaborately dressed as a Samurai. This video is Michael Anthony's golden hour. Normally he kind of reminds me of George Costanza, but in this video he is almost reminiscent of Chris Pratt. And not of Chris Pratt as Che, the final nail in The O.C.'s coffin, but as Andy Dwyer, the swoon-worthy buffoon on my beloved Parks and Recreation. 

Anyway, Michael Anthony is standing next to a concrete wall and a bored-looking palomino horse, practicing swinging his sword around and yelling. He notices his phone — since of course, he also has a phone right there — and picks up, we assume talking to the hunchback. He puts on a hat and heads for the horse.

 

Next Quasimodo calls Alex Van Halen. Wow. Now speaking of being in your magic hour. This video is definitely Alex's finest moment. He looks like some kind of sexy Jeff Goldblum here, glad in a tiger-skin loincloth. He's squatting on top of a zebra skin in a reed hut, surrounded by random bones and, naturally, a phone. He's also wearing aviator sunglasses and a big necklace. Alex picks up the phone, doesn't say anything, and just throws the phone aside, runs out of his hut, and gives a big Tarzan yell. 

We then cut to Eddie Van Halen, already on the phone. He's a cowboy, sitting beside the remains of a campfire. Eddie has on a Richie Sambora-style black, flat-top cowboy hat, a red bandanna, black vest, one black glove (why?), and what appear to be black leather pants. He finishes his call, throws his cigarette into the fire, and then his stunt double does some gun-twirling (I mean, if Ed were doing it himself, we'd probably see more than just his hand in the shot, right?). 

And speaking of stunt doubles — we then see "Michael Anthony" riding his horse. Later we also get shots of "Eddie Van Halen" riding his horse through some water — they don't mess around here, putting a bandanna over the rider's face. 

But we must set that aside for a moment, because, at last, David Lee Roth has entered the video. And of course, is Diamond Dave squatting outside in the dirt? Oh hell no. He is sitting at a long tale in a fancy, formal dining room, and he is dressed as (naturally) Napoleon Bonaparte. He's writing in a ledger with a feather pen when suddenly he pauses, and — we cut to Alex running through a field. 

Oh, but then we're back with Dave. He's making a studiedly expressionless face while on the phone. And his phone is red — he couldn't even have the same phone as the other guys. Dave stands up, and then we see him walking through his giant house, which has an elaborate checkerboard floor. 

Suddenly, it's night, and the lady in white is still battling the little people. One is now wearing sunglasses and a Native American-style feathered headdress, while the other has on a cape and a top hat. Eddie, Alex, and Michael simultaneously walk up to face this little scene. 

Their arrival greatly alarms the little people, who let the woman go momentarily. Somehow in the confusion of all these reaction shots, the woman is suddenly untied, though she doesn't run toward the band, she just kind of jumps around.

 

Next thing you know, a white stretch limo comes roaring in through the fog (which has also mysteriously suddenly appeared). The Quasimodo guy (who was driving it?) runs around to open the passenger door, and of course, you know it's Dave. Too good for a plain phone, too good for a horse. I know I sound like I'm being harsh on DLR, but if you read this at all regularly, you know the man is like my patron saint, so I say these things in love. 

Dave looks at everyone else in the band, then sort of makes this lascivious chin jerk at the camera. Even keeping as much of a straight face as he does in this video, Dave still manages to throw off a slutty vibe. Then he turns, somewhat alarmed. 

Why? Because we've hit what may be the weirdest part of the video. The untied woman runs toward him, and as she does, she pulls off her hair and headband — apparently it was a wig. Not only that, but her face is ghastly pale, and her eyes appear sunken. She walks toward the camera, smirks, and — so wait, is she dead? Is she a zombie? No wait, on closer examination — is that a dude? WTF is up with this video? 

So, so many questions, and basically no answers. If I had to put where I liked this video, I'd still put it behind the late version Roy Orbison made (since obviously music videos weren't a thing in 1964), but well ahead of the Julia Roberts hooker-princess movie. 

P.S.: It was either this title or "Oh Bondage, Up Yours!", and quite frankly, I get enough hits from people searching for p*rn as it is.

Y&T, "Contagious"

It's Prom Season!  

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Contagious," Contagious, 1987, David Geffen Company SAMPLE LYRIC "(Ohhhh, ohhhh-ohhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh) / Ooh, is gettin' dangerous, it's con-tayyyy-jus!" [Repeat repeatedly] 

THE VERDICT Now I know for people who are serious about their Y&T, Contagious is more or less the band's death rattle. But for people like me who are decidedly unserious, well — get ready for a shocker — I freakin' love this song. 

I know, right? Me? Y&T? Who'da thunk it? 

But apparently while a slick production, soaring vocals, and chanting don't work for Y&T diehards, for me it can't work better. I listen to this song all the time — it's a staple in all my workout mixes. I don't think they sound like Bon Jovi wannabes (Bon-nabes?) at all — I just think they sound hella good. 

And the video! Oh the video. This is truly Y&T at their finest. It's like they've taken all the elements of their previous videos — young protagonists, bad 80s movie feel, Airplane-esque sight gags, transformations, and so on — and melded them into one ultra, mega, mecha Y&T video. 

They really outdo themselves on this one, folks. And I love it. (I think for this whole post, just imagine me talking to you as if I were Will Ferrell doing James Lipton.) 

The video kicks off with a random kid riding a skateboard down the sidewalk, and then a shot of a slick-looking 80s guy in a tux cruising in a convertible (he's basically the James Spader of this video). The skateboarding kid (who's wearing a Y&T tee, btw) gives the convertible dude two thumbs up. As the guy stops in front of a little bungalow-style house, the non-Meniketti members of Y&T pop up for the first round of "Hey!"s. 

We then see James Spader's date — an attractive 80s blonde in a white strapless dress. You know the type — pearl necklace, french twist, hot in a bitchy way. Yes, she's more or less the Jessica Wakefield of this video.

The guys in Y&T smile and step away from the camera as she leaves her house. As Jessica leaves the frame, we get our first glimpse of the video's protagonist — a classic 80s movie nerd in a striped suit and heavy-framed, thick glasses.

 

Hmm, what should we call him... So many options for 80s movie nerds, from Revenge of the Nerds to Weird Science to... oh my gosh, you know what movie I watched the other day 'cause it was on Netflix Watch Instantly? Zapped, with Scott Baio. I forgot how amazingly weird that one is. It's sort of like a really non-scary horror movie that's kind of a comedy. 

Also, I think since previously I'd always watched it on the USA Network (always such a good source of bad teen movies during the daytime when you were on school breaks) I hadn't realized how much toplessness there is in it. Dude, there's a freakin' ton. 

All right, this nerd here is reminding me of Scott Baio, because he's got that "I'm not really a nerd, I am just being made to act and dress this way" vibe, so I'm inclined to call him Chachi. But I think that's too confusing, so let's just go with Screech. 

Screech swoons seeing Jessica all dolled up. Meanwhile, Y&T are lurking nearby, plotting something. We see Jessica leaving from what I assume is her house, while Screech (with his pants pulled up well past the navel) is leaving from a house next door labeled "Alpha Chapter Chess Club." Whatever Y&T, we get it, he's a nerd. No need to over-establish things here. 

Jessica hops into James Spader's car, and Screech (standing next to an old-school bicycle) waves enthusiastically at her from beside his porch. Jessica and Spader exchange a look, and she rolls her eyes. Screech becomes embarrassed, and the power couple drives off. This makes 3/4 of Y&T, who appear to have been hiding in the bushes the whole time, totally crack up. 

Screech takes off on his bike, but he's quickly stopped by Dave Meniketti himself grabbing his handlebars and singing in his face. They pull Screech off his bike (which one member of Y&T helpfully rolls out of the way), and at last, we've got all four guys in Y&T. 

Two drive up in a powder blue convertible (license plate 'SLICKER') while the other two toss Screech into the car. They drive off, with both guys in the front seat turning all the way around to continue singing at Screech, who's jammed in the middle of the backseat. Screech looks like he's gonna puke as they push and pull him while singing straight into his face. 

Oh, get ready for a Y&T silly visual gag — they drive past a bungalow house with a couple standing in front of it looking like Grant Wood's "American Gothic" (weirdly, this is so not the only metal video with an "American Gothic" reference). As the Y&T car rolls by, we see a flash of pink and green light, and then suddenly the farm couple have wild blown-out hair and sunglasses on, as if they were in an old Maxell ad. This makes Y&T crack up, but appears to terrify Screech. Y&T are supernatural!

 

And suddenly, we're at the prom. We get all these little random establishing shots which are great. Spader helps Jessica out of his car. A seriously MC Hammer-looking dude (he's got that weird tiny ponytail!) gets out of a Jeep Wrangler, while another couple walks by. 

Y&T pull up in front of a large banner that reads (in multi-colored block letters) "Warren G Harding Summer School Registration June 6th." They appear to be grabbing at something outside the car as they pull in. Then we see a random kid in a tux spraypainting the side of a dumpster, adding his tag before casually tossing the spraycan in the dumpster and being joined by his date. Seriously, can I watch this movie? 

Y&T hop out of their car, leaving a confused Screech behind. He fumbles his way out of the car, and the camera follows a couple's feet as they enter the school. They begin to climb stairs, while the camera goes under them, joining a dice game. Y&T join, and after Dave Meniketti rolls the dice, he then waves his hand again. A flash of light appears, and suddenly there are like two dozen dice, all sixes. 

The dudes who they seriously appear to have dressed as Run-DMC circa "My Adidas" appear nonplussed, while again Screech seems absolutely freaked out by Y&T's magic. (I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention that the dice players also include a white guy dressed as Ad-Rock in "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party)", down to the red Stuyvesant t-shirt.)

Y&T bust into the prom, again pared down to a trio— what, did the director only let their drummer be in shots where he was sitting behind something? (The car, drumkit, etc.) That's cold. Oh no wait, there's four. Dang, did they get rid of their old drummer? (Again, this is how you know I'm no Y&T superfan.) 

They all sing enthusiastically. There's a dorky band playing onstage ("Yellow Tangerine," according to their bass drum) beneath a banner with what I assume is the prom's theme, "I did it my way." This repulses Y&T, and with an explosion of red light, they replace the band (and their banner and balloons, which gets switched to a Y&T banner). Y&T immediately commence rocking. 

Also yeah, this is totally a different drummer. I honestly hope that guy left the band for real, and they didn't just ditch the chubby guy they formerly had for this video (though if they had, it'd fit with the ethos of this video).

 

We see a couple of nerdy-ish guys enjoying the music, one dribbling a basketball. We also see a table of people watching, including I swear to god a guy who looks like their old drummer, who is holding a skateboard. I also enjoy the "surfer couple" — a blonde girl in a bikini top, sarong, and pukka shell necklace, and a blonde guy in just a white blazer (no shirt) and a similar necklace. Seriously, they could've stepped right out of "Party All Night." 

We can see balloons and streamers behind them, as well as a poster that says "Harding High School congratulates Dwayne Poindexter." Okay, I'm assuming that's Screech, but we can't see what he's being congratulated for. 

Ohh the next bit is classic Y&T video. We get a juxtaposition of first a quartet of nerdy, school-marmish women drinking from tea cups, and then a quartet of exaggerated biker types spiking the punch, with one woman taking a bite out of her cup and then spitting it out. 

We also see a couple of dudes in trench coats, hats, and sunglasses watching from the side — I'm not even sure what this is supposed to be. A new variety of nerd? Narcs? Principal? No idea. 

Jessica and James Spader walk through the room, and Screech tries to stop them. Spader soldiers on, but Jessica actually slows momentarily. Screech looks mortified and slinks away. We see many shots of Y&T chanting and rocking out, then another very Y&T gag — students dropping guns on a table in front of a man and a woman. At first it's hard to see, but there's a chalkboard to their right that says "Check your weapons here." 

There's also another congratulations sign behind the man at the table, but again, it's been placed too low to read what it's for. I don't know why they'd go to the trouble to make those signs and place them in the shots just to have them be obscured! 

The camera zooming into Meniketti's mouth tells us it is, indeed, "time to get wiiiiild." All the students at the prom jump up from their tables at once and begin enthusiastically dancing right in front of the stage (this shot was a bad idea — it's wide angle, and lets us see just how few people are actually there). I should also mention all Y&T's amps say "Y&T" on them. Not Marshall, not even Peavey. Just generic — oh, I mean, Y&T. Sure.

 

Screech makes a grab for Meniketti's guitar, and Dave waggles a "tsk-tsk" finger at him. He then points right at Screech. Screech spins around and slowly points at himself, and then poof! In a blast of gold light, he becomes transformed into an 80s movie hottie in a white tuxedo. He even winks right at us! 

Yes friends, Screech has become Zack Morris. Jessica is of course terribly impressed by this, while her date James Spader is much less so. Zack looks over at her all "How you doin'?" She seems amazed by this and hurries to his side. 

Zack then points again, and with a flash of green light turns Spader (or at least his head) into a cheap rubber mask monster. Meantime, Y&T are rocking hard, and Jessica is all over Zack. With the final round of "Hey!"s, Y&T take it over the top, while Jessica and Zack turn to us all slick in dark sunglasses. 

The moral of this video? Don't be yourself. Sure, they've got a lot of wacky Y&T stuff here, but come on — no robot?! This video has everything but the robot!! 

And weirdly, I feel like for me at least, this is the moral of this song — don't be yourself. Y&T stray from their straight-ahead rock roots and Def Lep it up, and I love it! 

This is, of course though, a really treacherous message. In both cases, you're giving up the affections of those who truly loved you for those of a hot, shallow girl who was previously only interested in making fun of you. It works in the short term, but as Y&T quickly found out, not in the long term. 

Honestly you guys, this video is like a vaguely supernatural version of Can't Buy Me Love wherein no one learns a valuable lesson about learning to be yourself, or even just about not whoring yourself out just to replace your mom's dress you accidentally spilled wine on. 

Ozzy Osbourne, "Bark at the Moon"

Werewolf Ozzy, Spooky! Scary!  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Bark at the Moon," Bark at the Moon, 1983, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Those that the beast is looking for / listen in awe and you'll he-ear him / bark at the moo-oon!" 

THE VERDICT Halloween is just days away, so obviously it's — well actually, it's probably well past time to start digging out some great Halloween-oriented videos. "Bark at the Moon" is fantastic because well, 

a) it's sort of a low-budget combo of the plots of many a classic horror movie in a 

b) sort of Scooby-Doo way, plus 

c) the song is meant to be spooky too even if 

d) it mostly just makes me think Jake E. Lee is a really talented guitarist. 

Personally I was tempted to do "So Tired", but that's just 'cause right now I am so tired. But this clip's a much better fit. I mean it kicks right off with some kind of weird Phantom of the Opera-ish dude (the low-budget metal video version that is, which is just putting some guy in a robe and painting his entire face white). 

"Bark at the Moon" also exploits camera effects as much as possible, starting with the quick-zooms of the different band members in funeral garb. And of course, what video would be complete without those old standbys, colored lighting and dry ice. Throughout the whole video, Jake E. Lee does his thing wearing a frilly shirt amidst some reddish fog. 

The plot? Well, let's see. Ozzy is sort of an old-timey mad scientist, with a cool-ass lab full of bubbling beakers and elaborate glass tubing. Though his wife looks alarmed, he is so happy with his latest concoction that he promptly drinks it. 

This seems honestly pretty accurate for the Ozzy of the time, if you've ever read his explanation for why exactly he bit the head off that bat. He's an ingest first, ask questions later kind of guy, though in video as in real life, his snap decisions come back to haunt him.

Horrified, his wife runs out of the room while Ozzy appears to choke to death on whatever he just drank. Next thing you know though, guess who's in the red fog with Jake E. Lee. Yup, it's Were-Ozzy, from the album cover. The way they've pasted all the hair on such that it looks like patchy, grown out body hair (especially on his chest) kind of gives an orangutan-type look to it.

 

His super-sympathetic video wife (a prim blonde who looks nothing like Sharon then or now) promptly has Ozzy put into a straitjacket and hauled off their gated property. The video quality is poor so I'm not 100% on this, but I think it's the other guys in the band who take him away. They toss him into a padded room, just like in a Quiet Riot video. 

Next we see Ozzy being tied into some kind of an electric chair. The lighting is very red, so it's hard to tell what's going on. At first he seems really out of it it, but just when all hope is lost, he makes eye contact with the camera and reveals some giant fangs. Uhoh, looks like we're gonna have Were-Ozzy on our hands pretty soon. 

And we do! There he is jumping around in the red fog again. We then jump to a foggy nighttime scene of horses pulling a hearse — wait, did I fail to mention that about half of this video appears to take place in Victorian England? 'Cause it does, hence all the frilly shirts. 

Anyway, we see the horses and the coffin, then we cut to an overhead shot of the wife — now the widow, I guess — and a vaguely Anderson Cooper-looking priest checking out the coffin. Dead Ozzy's inside, and Anderson points at him. The widow chucks some rose petals onto his body. 

One minute Dead Ozzy is looking peaceful, and then the next we've got some special effects straight out of the Greg Kihn Band's video for "Jeopardy." Yes, Dead Ozzy has morphed into a sort of melted-looking skeleton. Think after the Nazi drinks from the Holy Grail in the last Indiana Jones movie. Or when the ark gets opened in the first one. Your choice. Apparently the early 80s were a big time for melted-looking skeletons. 

Then we're at Dead Ozzy's very rainy funeral. Why does it always rain at heavy metal funerals? The widow, the Anderson Cooper priest, and his band members wearing top hats stand around while a bunch of fog floats by.

 

After some guitar face from Jake E. Lee and some serious drum face from Vinny Appice, suddenly we're back with regular old-timey Ozzy, who I guess is still alive. He's making crazy faces. It's hard to tell where he is, but he keeps opening a door and being blinded by the bright white light pouring through it. He tries other doors, but those are just full of red light. 

Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor? On his like eighth try you think Ozzy's made it through, but he's just sort of standing there screaming and clutching at the door frame. Is he super afraid of Jake E. Lee? I mean it keeps cutting between Ozzy screaming and Jake E. playing in the red fog. The backlighting and the fuzziness of his hair are making Jake look a little like a Muppet, which though a bit unusual isn't that scary. As Ozzy's struggling around, I could swear they reuse the Vinny Appice drum face footage from like thirty seconds earlier in the video. 

Ozzy finally makes it away from all those lit-up doors, and stumbles into a weird candlelit area that appears to be where his coffin was earlier. Actually it kind of looks like that steam tunnel Paul Stanley's dancing around in in KISS' "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" video. And finally — here's the payoff — he is running from Were-Ozzy. 

So yes, all the lit-up doors stuff — that was just saving some money with special effects that weren't very special. We were meant to believe it was Were-Ozzy frightening regular old-timey Ozzy all that time. This is confusing because I thought earlier we were meant to believe that, a la Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, drinking that potion had transformed Ozzy into Were-Ozzy. But then what to make of Dead Ozzy or Melted-Skeleton Ozzy? 

Whatever, at least this video has finally gotten cool again. Even if you do get the impression that the actual tunnel they are in is about six feet long, as they appear to keep running through the same doorway past the exact same candelabra over and over again. 

Suddenly a cloaked figure appears at the end of the hallway. Another Ozzy? No, it's that weird white-face Phantom of the Opera dude from the opening shots of the video. Whatever he's doing there, it's not slowing down Were-Ozzy. Eventually regular Ozzy stumbles and falls, causing Were-Ozzy to make an extra-menacing face for the camera.

 

But then nothing really happens. It just cuts back and forth between Jake E. Lee and Were-Ozzy making faces and gesturing in the red fog. Oh no wait, here we go. Something's happening. 

We see Ozzy's wife standing next to the gates of I guess a sanitarium as the doctor leads Ozzy out. He unlocks the gates, shakes Ozzy's hand, and lets him out. (As a side note, I like that they apparently chose to release him very late at night.) Ozzy hugs his wife, then looks back at the building. And what do you know — up on one of the parapets, it's Were-Ozzy. 

His wife looks mildly alarmed, but Ozzy just laughs and turns away. He and his wife walk away, and then we get repeated quick-zooms back to Were-Ozzy making scary monster arms up on top of the building. 

So WTF happened in this video? Which Ozzy is which? Was it all just a dream — or a hallucination? I'm inclined toward the latter — that Ozzy drinks his potion, it makes him go all crazy, and he has an extended hallucination of being Were-Ozzy/Dead Ozzy/Melted-Skeleton Ozzy. Thus the reappearance of Were-Ozzy at the end of the video is less "was it a dream" and more "was he really cured in that asylum." 

The lyrics imply a different story though — that Were-Ozzy is an undead Dead Ozzy who is screaming for vengeance, if you'll allow me to mix my metal metaphors. Long story short though, I dunno. What do you think? 

One more fun fact about this video: So the guy who did Ozzy's makeup here and on the album cover is special-effects artist Greg Cannom, who has won a bunch of Oscars for this. He's the same dude who did "Thriller," as well as tons of movie work, from MST3K favorite The Incredible Melting Man to A Nightmare on Elm Street III ("we're the dream warriors!") to uhh... Big Momma's House. And Big Momma's House 2. But you know, also lots of other, better stuff that's less funny to mention. 

I read somewhere ages ago that Ozzy got the idea that he would throw on this makeup and wear it every night when he was on tour for this album. But then he realized a) how long it took for it to be applied (ever watch that "Making Of" thing about "Thriller"? They talk about this a lot there) and even more so b) how insanely much it cost to even do like, once. 

Anyway, Ozzy wised up on that one, so this video is the only place to see it in action. This also explains why aside from the beast makeup, most of what you see in this video looks unbelievably cheap! 

P.S.: I debated among several titles, including a bunch that were plays on The Onion's "One Man and One Wolfman" headline, but wound up going with the obvious.

Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'"

My New Year's Resolution

THE VIDEO Y&T, "Don't Stop Runnin'", In Rock We Trust, 1984, A&M

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "(Keep on running) / Don't stop running! / (Keep on running) / 'Cause you can't catch me / You better keep on running / (Don't stop running!) / Oh yeah-ahhh!"

THE VERDICT Can you believe, and I mean truly, can you believe Motley Crue's first live show was opening for this band? Crazy but it's true folks, crazy but it's true. Reasonably decent songs aside, Y&T (which stands for Yesterday and Today) are cheesy as all get out. And as if their songs were not cheesy enough, they up the ante with their videos -- and by up the ante, I actually mean they go all in. With schlock like this, Y&T don't appear to be holding anything back (though allmusic always claims they're in on the joke).

Nonetheless, I thought it would be a good idea to end the decade and kick off the new one with some inspirational fare. While I toyed with many songs that encourage us to keep rocking and indeed, not stop rocking, in the end I picked "Don't Stop Runnin'" because it allows a bit of a wider interpretation. Also because this kind of work hard, achieve your dreams thing is more or less the new year's/new decade's resolution I set for myself. I'm in the midst of several personal and professional projects at the moment, and sometimes it's hard to see an end in sight. Thus, my resolution to "keep on runnin'."

Come to think though, I probably should have resolved to "Hang Tough," and thus blogged about Tesla -- a band and a song I much prefer to Y&T. But come on, Tesla never made a video with an apparently 30-something high school nerd turning into a robot, so we're sticking with Y&T.

Our video begins with said nerd (Paul) asking an equally not-young-looking popular girl (Susie) out on a date to a concert that evening (which we can only assume is Y&T). She harshly turns him down, letting him know she "wouldn't go to a funeral" with him and that she's going out with Big Man On Campus Charlie tonight.



That aside, we know she's popular because, come on, look at the size of the bow on her head! If we're to have learned anything from the movie Heathers, it's that high school social status is inextricably linked to the size of the bow affixed to one's noggin. The interchange is so awkward that the nerd appears to slam himself into a locker. Next thing you know, the BMOC has rolled up, causing the nerd to punch himself. Let's face it, he's kind of a hard protagonist to sympathize with.

The nerd heads home to his Y&T poster-bedecked room, where he can soothe himself with some tunes on his giant cassette Walkman. Throwing himself onto his bed (which, along with his bedroom, overall looks suspiciously like the room from "Cum On Feel the Noize" with some added decor), he's maligning his geek status when suddenly --

His Walkman explodes, and his face turns into the guy from the old Memorex ads! Next thing you know, a big metal breastplate pops through his shirt, he's got metal teeth, and big, useless metal hands -- yes, he is turning into the Y&T robot. This transformation appears to make him as baffled and sweaty as his exchange with the girl, and before you know it, yup, he's a robot. They can't likely afford the special effects to actually show the transformation, so we just get rapid cuts back and forth between the robot's face, and the nerd with metal teeth. Oh wait, not braces, more like grills.

The robot doing some aerobicizing gives way to Y&T performing live-ish in front of a fairly robust crowd. In fact, close-up shots of the robot are used to transition from scene to scene throughout the video, which is kind of weird. Apparently, the robot is flying around the Y&T concert as well as hovering over Southern California.



We next see the BMOC pull up in a white convertible to pick up the girl. He looks smug, and she looks thrilled, having put an even larger bow in her hair. She's also now wearing a flouncy, puffy-shouldered white dress and white gloves. As his car pulls away, we see that the BMOC's vanity plate reads "STUD BOY." Eww.

Oh snap, now the robot is onstage with Y&T. Just when I was about to say that based on their level of sweatiness and the lack of decent camera angles this probably was a live performance. The robot sort of hop-skips toward the camera before hopping over it. My guess is the costume is made out of foam rubber -- it looks soft and squishy.

Now the robot is flying (aka superimposed) over the Y&T audience. We then see the girl and BMOC driving (aka also superimposed) at night. She's attempting to look less than thirty by blowing bubbles with her gum, while he's more or less continuing to look smug. Ooh, now the robot is flying (you know what I'm going to say by this point) over the city. All of this is interspersed with shots of various members of Y&T sweating and yelling.



The girl and BMOC suddenly find themselves at a stop sign, that is somehow also possibly in an alley, quite shocked and confronted with three uh... I guess they're supposed to be punks, but this is in the sense that Nic Cage in Valley Girl is supposed to be a punk. The girl makes ridiculous overacting faces, and the BMOC shrinks down in his seat as the "punks" size them up. Also, let me mention one of the "punks" is a chick wearing black lipstick and an eyepatch with a large "tattoo" that says "Search and Destroy" in the center of her back. Oooh, rough neighborhood.

The tallest punk reaches in and grabs the car keys, while the lady punk smiles at the wide-eyed girl. The BMOC gets out of the car only to be roughed up by the two guys. They then get the girl out of the car and start pushing her around -- aww, the tall guy even grabs her bow! She's powerless without it! The BMOC watches in horror and then runs away.

There's a weird moment where the girl gets thrown to the ground, and then she and the punk girl sort of look at each other knowingly. I kind of feel like that moment is the only time we sense any sort of real chemistry in this video. Then it's back to the robot flying around, apparently content to enjoy the power of flying (can you blame him?) and let the girl get hassled by the punks. No worries, as she then punches the guy punk with the weird eye makeup (it appears to spell out "BITE" -- seriously, where did they learn about punks for this video?). This then inexplicably leads to him taking out his aggression on the "STUD BOY" vanity plates.

The vandalism of private property finally somehow gains the robot's attention. Let me mention also that when the robot is "flying", all its parts don't fit together -- there appear to be big gaps in its body such that its head and arms are just floating above its torso. Heaven knows what green screen problems caused this to happen. He spots the alley and somehow magically sees a close-up of the girl being harassed in a little starburst/price sticker shape.



The punks' jaws drop as the robot comes bouncing out of some dry ice fog. The robot fights the punks, grabbing the tall one's fist in his lobster-claw-looking hands, then doing an Undertaker-esque choke slam on the one with the eye makeup and lifting him staight out of his boots (during this shot, we also get to see that the robot appears to be wearing um, men's dress shoes).

This all proves too much for the girl, who faints, leading to some shots of Y&T and their fans all looking especially excited. The robot grabs the girl up in his claw hands and carries her out of the alley. (Ooh, you know it's a bad part of town when someone has spraypainted "Rock" on the side of a building.)

Now for the best part of the video: She wakes up, sees the robot, and gets way more scared than when she was just being abandoned by her date and beaten up by the punks. I mean, it's a giant effing robot with metal teeth and claw hands, and she probably doesn't know what the "Y&T" on its chest means! She punches the robot in the chest until he puts her down, and then she runs away to -- around the corner. Yes, she runs like ten feet and then stops, as if the robot isn't about to turn the same corner too. And now the best part of the best part: THE ROBOT CRIES A SINGLE TEAR. We get a pretty ambiguous reaction shot of the girl, still leaning against the wall, but that robot tear is just the piece de resistance of the Y&T video oeuvre, if you'll allow my overuse of French pour une minute.

Next thing we know, we see the Walkman lying on the bed, totally unexploded, and the nerd sitting up in bed, exclaiming "whoa!" and touching his head and body. "Aw shucks, fell asleep listenin' to Y&T again!" But then, he realizes something -- the left lens on his glasses is broken! Sacre bleu, how could this be? It couldn't just be that he, I don't know, was taking a damn nap with glasses on. But then he pulls down part of his sheets, and finds what appears to be either the robot's shiny Y&T breastplate, or a really, really large Y&T guitar pick.



He smirks at it knowingly, but what the hell that proves, I have no idea. "Yeah, I did save the girl, but she hated that scary robot and had no idea it was me." How is that good news?! Come Monday morning, she's going to be back to hanging off STUD BOY, and he's going to be slamming himself into his locker.

But I guess, as the song implies, he will "keep on runnin'" in spite of the fact that the girl is now terrified of him instead of just ignoring/dissing him. That's what it's all about, right? Persistence in the face of setbacks.

And besides, he has reason to believe she'll come around. I mean, if there's one thing we've learned from 80s movies, it's that hot women love nerds. And if there's one thing we've learned from the 80s movie Heavy Metal, it's that if there's one thing hot women love more than nerds, it's robots.

Trust me -- this video is so bad, it makes me forget that "Don't Stop Runnin'" is actually a pretty decent song. Confusingly though, it's being told to a person who "wants another chance" with the song's ostensible narrator, which is weird. The lyrics fit most with the video if you construe them as being from the point of view of the girl, Susie, even though she does not seem to in any way want the nerd to "keep on runnin'" to try to "get next to" her, let alone "feel the ecstasy." So maybe between this and the robot tear, this video wasn't quite as inspirational as I thought. But it was fun, wasn't it?

Lita Ford, "Dressed to Kill"

This One's for the Rock N Roll Children

THE VIDEO Lita Ford, “Dressed to Kill, Dancin’ on the Edge, 1984, Mercury/Polygram Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC “[Kill me bay-by!] / You’re dressed to kill / [You killll mee bayyy-by!] / You’re drrressed to killllllllllllll”

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Lita Ford, clad in an off-the-shoulder mini-dress thing made of uh… garbage bag material (or at least the world’s cheapest pleather) approaches a vanity table covered with an array of girly goods and studded leather accessories and a big lighted mirror. Suddenly, as she is about to take a seat, a random bearded dude (Tommy Iommi maybe?) appears on the right of the screen and growls “you’re dressed to kill.” Lovely Lita takes a seat, revealing a generous helping of stocking-covered leg. An acoustic guitar plays softly as she chooses a compact and a large brush and begins brushing powder onto her cheeks.

Lita smiles to herself as she (off-camera) begins singing the song (i.e., the Lita we see is applying foundation with a sponge, the Lita we hear is singing. Get it?) She’s already wearing a ton of makeup, notably very frosted lipstick and heavy eyeliner, but there’s always room for more. Ope, nope, here we go. She slowly applies more lipstick.

As Lita slides out of her o-t-s outfit (revealing some kind of negligee-type thing beneath), then rolls her stocking down to her totally hot snakeskin heels, off-screen Lita growls “you’re dressed to kill” for the first time, as a guitar kicks in revealing that contrary to what you’ve been hearing so far, this song will not be a ballad. Half-dressed, Lita teases her hair and smiles knowingly at the mirror. But then the camera pulls out and suddenly she’s fully dressed and wearing a black tank top with a pattern of white skulls on it and black pants with long white fringe running down the sides (chaps??).

Lita unnecessarily kicks over her zebra print chair and moves to grab a guitar as the song finally starts rocking, and we cut to a performance shot of Randy Castillo. Now we’re at a fake-looking Lita Ford concert, with Lita pumping her fist in the air and the paid extras in the audience (excuse me, the fans) halfheartedly doing the same. An anonymous guitarist in a killer skinny 80s tux (I am obsessed with skinny 80s tuxedos -- so hot) spins around, and Lita does too, with the camera sort of swinging wildly above them. We also get lots of shots taken from about halfway back in the crowd.



As the song begins its refrain (“kill me baby”), we see a chunky, pissed-off looking girl who’s wearing a scarf on her head and a shapeless flannel thing standing right in front of the camera on the right (weirdly, those shapeless flannel things are like really in right now). In the background, we can see some clothes tossed on the ground, a table with a speaker and some other junk on it, posters, halfheartedly strung Christmas tree garland, and a lamp. An older dude, probably her dad, stands by the doorway. He gestures at the girl, and she makes an angry face, turning toward the camera and aggressively applying powder with a large brush. We briefly see Lita and Hugh McDonald thrashing in unison, then we’re back with the girl, who’s now wearing a shapeless black velvet garment and shaking out bright green hair while her father berates her. Let me mention also that she has a nose ring and eyebrows that have been plucked to the brink of invisibility. Lita et al rock out a bit more, then the girl puts on a hat while her father (now with cigarette and disheveled hair) rants on.

As the second verse begins, we’re in the bedroom of a suspiciously old-looking white skater dude. He jumps in on his skateboard wearing a t-shirt and a backwards hat. The room is sparsely furnished -- there’s a lawn chair, an acoustic guitar, a bookshelf with some junk on it, posters, and a window with venetian blinds. He bops up to the camera, takes his hat off, and shakes out his (graying??) longish hair. We then see fast-forwarded film of him bopping around the room changing his clothes while sort of headbanging the whole time. Come to think, this whole sequence is not super-different from the video for “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by REM. He changes basically from a skater to a metalhead, with loose hair, a black sleeveless t, black sleeveless vest, boots, etc.

We then see lots more shots of Lita and the band singing, and I’m pleased to report that her random guitarist is actually wearing fabulous 80s tails. And a headband! This is a great outfit. At least one person in this video is actually dressed to kill. The drummer bashes his fists into his head repeatedly and all parties concerned flash the devil hands repeatedly as we move into the guitar solo, which I am pleased to say Lita plays (since she actually did all the guitar on the album, hence the no-name guitarist in the video).



We quickly cut though to an Asian girl in a crocheted sweater who’s teasing her hair. We cut to Lita, and by the time we’re back with the girl she’s put on a leather jacket and her hair is ginormous. She grins ecstatically, and Lita continues to shred onstage. There are lots of close-ups of her hands, and lots of shots of her bent over her instrument silhouetted in a greenish-blue spotlight.

Finally, we get up to our last guy, a heavyish white guy in a suit who’s running his hands through his hair. Behind him a Lita Ford poster and a Scorpions poster are visible on the wall. Grimacing into the camera the entire time, he tears off his tie and shirt and puts on mirrored aviator sunglasses. Lita and her bandmates, meanwhile, take turns screaming “you’re dressed to kill” into each others’ faces. The dude then has put on uh… okay, it’s like an asymmetric torn t-shirt, and he’s wrapping a length of chain secured with full-size handcuffs around his neck. O-kayyy. He tops this off with a sleeveless leather vest.

We then see a longer shot of him, showing that he’s also wearing cuffed jeans and that his room wasn’t quite so tiny as it looked -- we were seeing him from a mirror over a cluttered dresser that was on the long side of the room. The short side of the room is uh, like six feet across, hence the room looked even tinier than it is. It’s very messy, lots of clothes on the floor and stuff. There’s a Bon Jovi poster on the back wall (who was the set designer on this video? Jeez). He spins around and does a bunch of crummy air guitar moves, even dropping to his knees he’s rocking out so hard. The video closes with a brief concert shot of Lita shaking hands with someone in the crowd, then cuts to the shot of her all made up and looking satisfied from the beginning of the video.



THE VERDICT This video is extremely Dio-esque in its embrace of the downtrodden, the disdained-by-their-peers and kept-down-by-their-parents and lampooned-by-their-coworkers "Rock N Roll Children." In fact, give Lita Ford a crystal ball, and this more or less is that video. Of course, rather than running away to live out their dreams these people are um, accessorizing, but it's more or less the same concept.

I really want to like Lita Ford’s music, I really, really do. I like her quite a bit as a person, but as a performer… um… ehh… yeah, it’s just not happening. Part of this is probably that as the most successful female performer in metal, I wanted her to be great. Amazing, memorable songs instead of … high-cut leotards, leather pants, and the usual. Sad to say, but while on a man glam metal style is subversive, on a woman it’s pretty much the usual sexist b.s.

Talking about Ms. Ford however gives me the opportunity to mention the fact that they’re releasing a movie about the Runaways next year. Why, I don’t know. A) I thought the documentary released a few years back pretty much covered it. B) Particularly when I was in high school, the Runaways were a big style influence on me. We’re talking loooong, straight hair, high-waisted vintage work pants, and tiny scoop neck tees with glittery iron-ons. In particular, there’s a picture of them reprinted in The Rolling Stone Guide to Women in Rock that I would ogle for hours (matter of fact, it was this picture). I very much wanted to look like Jackie.

And now… Cherie’s being played by Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett’s going to be interpreted by that sourpuss girl from Twilight. And our good friend Lita Ford will be interpreted by … some girl who’s biggest credit to date seems to be appearing in both the Rob Zombie Halloween remakes. Weak. The one thing I can say for this movie is it features Alia Shawkat (Maeby from Arrested Development) as well as Robert Romanus. Yes, Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High! I didn’t even know he still acted. On the other hand, it also includes Elvis’ granddaughter. I didn’t know she “acted.”

Long story short, it’s just a matter of time before Teen Vogue et al. start claiming they’ve always been into Lita et al. and comparing the music of the Runaways to that of latter-day manufactured female punk-pop like Avril Lavigne (because let’s be real, just because the Runaways were really good doesn’t mean they weren’t a Svengali job all the way -- just look at Bow Wow Wow). But even still, they probably won’t be titling any fashion spreads “Dressed to Kill.” But that’s probably more because it’s too reminiscent of that creepfest Brian DePalma movie.

P.S.: Notice anything different? I've rejiggered the layout to bring you super-sized pics -- 1/3 bigger than the old style! Part of this is that when I started this blog, I was using an indigo clamshell iBook which only had a screen with 800x600 resolution, so bigger images wouldn't have even fit. But now, it's the future, and we like our jpgs HUGE!

Guns N Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle"

The Country Axl and the City Axl

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle," Appetite for Destruction, 1987, Geffen

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "In the jungle / welcome to the jungle / watch it bring you to your / sha-nanananananana knees knees / ooh-ah I / I wanna watch youuu bleed"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins innocuously enough, with a sort of quiet street (there's a police siren, but it's pretty far away) and a vaguely sketchy dude in a pleather jacket leaning against a bench smoking a cigarette. But as soon as a bus enters the frame -- and Slash's guitar cranks up -- we know we're in for something good.

A pre-teen looking, hayseed version of Axl Rose steps off the bus, wearing a backward-tipped Bob Seger trucker hat (second coming of trucker hats -- the first coincides with Smokey and the Bandit), a plaid shirt, flared jeans, white pointy-toed shoes (possibly cowboy boots, possibly the shoes Eddie gives Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Vacation) and with (in case we don't get it) a piece of straw still stuck in his mouth. Did Axl really dress like this back in Indiana? Why are so many awesome metal musicians from Indiana? (Diamond Dave and Mick Mars spring to mind right away, naturally). The world may never know.

Anyway, as Country Axl picks up his suitcase, the sketchy dude comes up to him and starts talking to him right away, in a confidential looking manner (we can't hear any of it, because the Real Axl is going, "Woooo-oooh-oooh-ohhhh-ohhhh" like a spider monkey on crack). Country Axl steps aside at whatever the man's offer is, putting his hand on the dude's chest (despite the physical contact, this is probably the least confrontational confrontation any version of Axl's ever had), and walking away.

The camera pulls closer as Country Axl walks away, and we follow his gaze as he looks at a blonde passing him going the opposite direction. We stick with his eyeballs as they roam up her stocking-clad legs to wear they end in uh, what I wish I could refer to as hot pants but what appear to be biker shorts. Country Axl stops and stares after her, then looks at a wall of TVs in a store window (note Slash in a cameo as a drunken bum on the sidewalk beneath).

The TVs show Fantasy Axl, strapped to a chair (explaining the screaming), and we sort of travel toward the TVs until the shot on their screen becomes the shot on ours. After the screaming Fantasy Axl fills the screen momentarily, we finally see Real Axl, who's onstage with his hair teased in well, it's the one time we see him with his hair like this in any GNR video (there are plenty of old photos with his hair like this, however). He's screaming, hands outstretched, and as he brings them together over his head his scream reaches its apex. Just as his hands are about to meet, he stops, and breaks into the Axl dance, which rules.

The camera pulls back and we see that we're actually in a fairly large space (which is probably supposed to be a club but I have always thought of as a warehouse -- it's dark in there but the space is very unfinished looking to me), and as per every metal video directed by Nigel Dick there are spotlights shining around but it's mostly pretty dark. The band's onstage, and the next sequence of shots is sort of a "meet the band" thing (sans Izzy): overhead shot of Steven (who was at the time my favorite member of the band), then Slash (who's actually never been my favorite member of the band, but then again neither has Izzy), then Duff (who now that I'm older and wiser is my favorite member of the band. In retrospect, he was/is the band's best looking member).

Then we go back to Axl, who's dancing, clapping his hands, and in general mustering more enthusiasm for this video than he's since mustered for anything that wasn't brown and liquid (at this early juncture, he is apparently not yet a complete prima donna rock star). Then we finally see Izzy, who's wearing a frilly patterned shirt that in spite of leather pants makes him look like he accidentally wandered in here from the set of a Black Crowes video.



Anyway. Axl's singing now. We get through almost the whole first verse with basically the same shot, him singing from the front, then we see it from the back, to show the crowd. As Axl does his first "sha-nananananana-kneeeeees," he's holding the microphone and using more of a facial expression than he ever does in any other video (I mean, all he does is close his eyes when friggin' Stephanie Seymour buys it in 'November Rain'). As he leans into Slash, for the first time we cut away to news footage -- a cop (or something holding a baton -- the brown uniform means it's either in another country or this person's actually a security guard) shoves away a mostly unseen person, then some other sort of something enforcement personnel shoulders a rifle in another shot.

Second verse, we see a little bit more of the band, starting with a lengthy shot of Izzy. Then Axl steps in front of him, so that's over. Axl starts dancing around, doing the Axl stomp (which here he's doing in leather pants but which really, we are most familiar with him doing in either a) a kilt or b) biker shorts. I think at one point Beavis and Butthead mused on what was up with Axl always wearing stuff like that, and didn't anyone else in the band think of kicking him out over that).

Then we go to a better shot of Izzy doing a similar move, then (one of my favorite parts of the video), as Axl sings "now you're a very sexy girl / very hard to please" we see a shot of a blond in a bikini walking forward and then film of a still image of another bikini babe laying down (I always think of this as being a billboard, but it's hard to tell -- it goes by really fast and also, since I didn't note this before, I keep calling it "news footage" because it looks like someone literally taped it off the tv and then edited it into the video -- yes, the quality is that good).

Next we see Duff kind of, from below the back of his bass, and then more of Axl dancing. As the chorus begins (and we briefly see footage of soldiers running), Axl starts really going for it, with the hands-over-head-hip-swivel. We also see the crowd get a little more into it, with hands waving in the frame and a shot of Slash from behind that highlights an enthusiastic blonde in the front row.

After we see Slash playing guitar for a second or two, we go to one of (drum roll please) my all time favorite shots in all of heavy metal videos (yes, I'm not afraid to come right out and say these things!). In the background, we see Steven Adler and an anonymous babe kind of lying next to each other on a bed (ok, you can only see their heads, so I am extrapolating a bit here but stay with me). City Axl is in the foreground of the screen, taking up the entire left half, but he's out of focus. As Steven turns to look at said babe, City Axl comes into focus.

I love this shot! I could watch it all day. Seriously. In my mind, half the time when I think about The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (which obviously, I love), I remember the whole movie as being this one shot! Even though it's not in the movie at all. It is reminiscent of the scenes with Paul Stanley though. Anyway.

The camera then slides around behind City Axl's back, and we see that he's sitting at the foot of the bed (which I still uphold is there), and they're all watching a bank of four or five (or more -- it's hard to tell) TVs of varying sizes which have been stacked up against a wall (actually, the side of a staircase, since railings are partially visible and there are also these weird fleur-de-lis lights running up the side diagonally). All of the TVs are showing something different, but we can't really see since we quickly go right up to one of them, which is showing a whole bunch of soldiers around something burning.

We quickly jump back to Slash playing guitar, but just as fast we're back with something weird happening with an ambulance, some kind of military or assault vehicles going down the street away from us, then (almost too quickly to see), something that looks like somebody surfing or something and then an image of a red convertible (sorry -- even going over these videos frame by frame -- which is how I do, p.s. by the way -- I can't pick it out).

Next we again see City Axl, looking more than a bit jaded, that random chick still blurry but visible in the background. Axl's onstage, leaning on Slash, then we cut back and see that Duff is also in the TV room. Steven looks away from the woman to smile at someone else (another shot I love -- the man may have been a junkie or whatever but he was the only one of these lads that was any good at conveying emotion with any subtlety). City Axl turns again as they rewind a shot of people walking on one of the tvs.



Whoa... I just realized I'm up to 1,575 words... and I'm only 1:55 into the video. Methinks I need to start editing myself more (or not describing every shot in quite such detail!).

Anyway. The next verse is mostly Axl onstage, singing and doing his dance, but it's intercut with more tv footage -- soldiers running, a print ad or billboard of a woman in a bikini -- and also another close-up shot of the now über-jaded City Axl. We get more performance (Duff singing backup, then making a badass face, Axl dancing, Slash bent over guitar, Steven from above), then we move into the bridge -- and get to see a replay of my favorite shot! So again, Steven turns to look at the anonymous groupie/girlfriend, and as his head turns, City Axl in the foreground comes into focus. Onstage, Axl's beginning the snaky, hands-over-head dance that is about the billionth truly memorable part of this video, then we again are looking over City Axl's shoulder at the wall of TVs.

We come toward the TVs to see soldiers/police officers with bigass guns, then go back to the stage for the "When you're high you never / ever wanna come down / suh! down" as Axl turns his usual dance into a sort of mime version of this idea (think of someone miming pulling taffy, or making pasta, and then throwing it at you, and you've got the idea). On the final "down," he jumps to his knees (making me wince at the idea of doing this in what appear to be pleather pants), and we see him rocking out from the front and also (somewhat incongruously, as it's the one shot in the video where he's suddenly sweaty and shirtless) from the back, with the crowd reaching toward him. Slash finally gets substantial camera time for the guitar solo (which he manages to play without even once showing his entire face), and we see a little bit more of Steven, who keeps the cowbell coming.

Axl's return to the mic (and Slash's nice big sliiide) brings us finally back to Fantasy Axl, who appears to be in both an electric chair (okay, it could just be some kind of weird restraining thing) and a straightjacket in some sort of A Clockwork Orange scenario that also involves the dancefloor from Saturday Night Fever. He's watching a whole wall of TVs (more neatly arranged than the ones in the sequence where the whole band's on the bed) and shaking.

We can't really see what's on them, just that all are showing something different, though we do pull in once for the millionth shot of police walking, then a happy couple sort of leaping up in each other's arms in water, soldiers running, then someone throwing a rock. Axl starts screaming, "You know where you are? / you're in the jungle, baby" as the shots of the TVs become even more frantic (as does Fantasy Axl's shaking), then we see the same bikini woman from the first TV sequence and (as Axl yodels, "di-I-I-I-I-I-I-ie") a covered body being loaded into an ambulance. Onstage, Axl's making a crazy-ass face, we see some soldiers real quick, then Fantasy Axl starts flipping out and screaming.

The final chorus brings us back to performance footage, Axl with his hands aloft and the rest of him thrusting, and just a quick cut to a crowd of people running from a man striking at them with a bullwhip (I'd be interested to know what any of this stuff is from -- unlike, say, "Peace Sells," none of it is recognizable, at least to me). The next shot, which is that security guard-looking guy hitting at someone with a nightstick, is the only one that's labeled in any way -- very generic 80s looking news text that says "Last Wednesday / Westwood." Axl gives us one last "sha-nananananananana-knees" and we see a man (looks like movie footage) shooting a gun.

The camera pulls back and we see City Axl watching the wall of TVs in that store window from waaaay back at the beginning of the video (remember them?). He's got his hands on his hips, and the TVs are switching back and forth between different footage we've already seen and Fantasy Axl screaming. As Real Axl wraps it up, we see City Axl from the side (in a shot that's obviously parallel to the first time we see Country Axl). He shakes his head dismissively and walks away as the camera comes back in to focus on the televised image of Fantasy Axl screaming.



THE VERDICT Clearly, Guns N Roses are like, the Brian DePalma of heavy metal videos (they didn't invent the form or the genre, but they did do their best to take it to its logical extreme -- viz. the Use Your Illusion trilogy/Scarface), so I'm starting out with the lighter fare and leaving the concept videos (the analysis of which will likely make my exhaustive essaying of say, Whitesnake's "In the Still of the Night" seem like light reading). Yeah, I'm tossing out easy pitches for now, but don't worry, I'll get to everything eventually. I also need the disclaimer because my analysis of this video is so celebratory (even moreso than usual!). And why is that? Well let's take a look with 5 Reasons Why "Welcome to the Jungle" Rules.

1) It's got one of my all-time favorite shots, which is also one of my favorite in a very cinematic way and not just a "Whoa! That was frickin' badass" way. It shows how much faith Geffen had in GNR that they were willing to roll out the big bucks immediately and do a video that even jeez, over fifteen years later, still looks very slick. Don't get me wrong, we all know I love the mad old videos and their patently D.I.Y. set design, I'm just really impressed with the way that this video just gets it right. Unlike later Guns videos (which paved the way for excessively plot-heavy, expensive, bloated videos of all genres), this video is mad tight.

2) Axl's hair! As mentioned above, one can find a jillion pictures of Axl where he has his hair teased, but this is the only video where you see it. I find it to be so, so hot. Admittedly, I like that very L.A. look with the teased hair and aviators (it's what got me into Faster Pussycat), but I think it also helps Axl out a lot because otherwise, he's really kind of a small guy (or at least he was then). As evidenced by the last shot where he's shown from the side, the hair gives him some size.

3) Steven Adler. Hotness! At the time, Steven was my favorite member of GNR -- I thought he was sooo cute (what can I say, my taste had not yet matured enough to appreciate Duff). This video, however, makes me remember what I was thinking at the time. He looks so hot! And the drumming in this song is tight. I've always felt bad for Steven getting kicked out of Guns -- I mean, can you imagine those guys being like, "Dude, we think you've got a substance abuse problem"? I hope that they at least put down the Jack Daniels while they told him. Seriously, if he'd been in Mötley Crüe, those guys would have laughed at him for being a wuss. Plus, everyone knows I'm a sucker for bands that stay with their original lineups (notable exceptions like Iron Maiden excluded).

4) I am also a sucker for anything that uses news or old movie footage (viz. my obsession with old Headbanger's Ball bumps, Iron Maiden). Part of it's a general obsession with anything I can get my hands on from the 80s and prior (viz. this entire website, most of what I own). This video in particular does a great job with this. Juxtaposing all of the creepy, "Is it the third world or is it California?" news footage with vaguely sexual advertisements totally works and is convincing for the A Clockwork Orange sequence. It also adds something to the Country Mouse/City Mouse convention (which is actually intended here as a reference to Midnight Cowboy). Unlike a video like say, Poison's "Fallen Angel," where the individual seems to have directed her own destiny (or at least, had it directed by other individuals and personal events), "Jungle" offers a broader, cultural explanation for the transformation.

5) It's the one of the most over-played, over-used songs ever, but it's still (not to belabor the term) evocative. (Unlike, for example, the Who's "Baba O'Riley," which is one of the most amazing songs ever but which I can't help feeling gets cheapened with every misuse.) You can't go to a sporting event (or a sports bar, for that matter), without having to put up with revolting losers screaming along to it -- but somehow, you can sing along too without losing your lunch. Try going to a karaoke night anywhere without having to suffer through some fool's drunken rendition of it. But you still love it! It's impossible not to. And no matter what it gets used in, it's still badass.

Remember how the movie Lean on Me opens with it, over the lengthy sequence showing just how awful that school is? It's pretty incongruous (you were expecting rap), but it fits perfectly and sets the scene. Same thing with the current super-saturation of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas commercials (which actually use the song in a similar way, where one would again expect rap). Every time that thing comes on, I sit up and pay attention. The biggest draw still is that opening guitar/scream thing. Even though every time I hear it I think, "What the hell was Axl thinking? Of course he was dooming himself to a career's worth of throat problems singing like that all the damn time," it still sends chills down my spine. Literally.