THE VIDEO KISS, "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" Asylum, 1985, Mercury/Polygram
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SAMPLE LYRIC "Who wants to be loh-own-lay / who wants to be with you tonight / oh-oh-oh-OH-oh, oh-oh-oh-OH-oh"
THE VERDICT So why on earth am I devoting an entire post to this WTF-fest of a video? I mean, the entire first 45 seconds consists of nothing but Paul Stanley in an incredibly ridiculous neon, sparkly trenchcoat and fringed hot-pink gloves walking down some kind of industrial hallway (maybe a boiler room? There's steam and fire). Literally. There's nothing else. This is KISS without makeup in the sense that they aren't wearing their signature black-and-white facepaint, but it is KISS with makeup in the sense that they sure have put on a lot of eyeshadow.
And then when it gets going, it only gets weirder. KISS appear to be playing in some kind of industrial women's bathroom (think white tile, weird pipes and valves everywhere) that in addition to featuring many leather-clad ladies also has the dancing fountains from the Bellagio. The question for the women is less "who wants to be lonely?" and more "who wants to get hosed down by Paul and Gene?" Because all these video babes -- dressed sort of like female, skin-baring versions of Rob Halford -- are standing under individual showerheads and/or being sprayed with water from off-camera. Water, water everywhere, but not a plot to speak of.
What else happens? Paul takes off his shirt, of course. We find out the dark area separating Eric Carr from the rest of the band is a swimming pool. One of the women falls into the pool, and another gets all sexy with a big valve wheel. Many, many shots of the various ladies dancing beneath their showerheads. Many of those are from a low angle and basically just show legs and butts, though to be fair, we also get a lot of crotch shots of KISS. We see lots of Paul and Gene singing together, and very few shots of Eric or Bruce Kulick.
More random occurrences: A woman in some kind of black leather apron getting spooled out from a long swath of white fabric. Paul doesn't even pretend to play his guitar. Bruce rises out of the swimming pool during the solo. And one of the women dances her way out of a wall of cellophane. For the finale, a shirtless Paul gets cleaned off by some of the ladies before returning to the hallway from the beginning of the video, which is now on fire.
I could describe this video in three letters -- WTF. But I could also describe it using three other letters -- WWF. Or I suppose technically by law now I have to say WWE, but really I still use both interchangeably (and often just refer to it as WW). Why do I say this? Many reasons. And not just because I am kind of obsessed with professional wrestling, and sort of have been since I was about seven (sort of goes well with the metal, no?).
First, the weird boiler room/hallway thing Paul is in at the beginning of this video has always instantly made me think of No Holds Barred, the crappy Hulk Hogan vehicle. Click on that link and watch the trailer -- Zeus is totally in that same weird hallway as Paul Stanley!
Second, just look at what Paul is wearing (or really any of the members of KISS, since they all are wearing variations on the same outfit). A long, glittery, multi-colored coat over either a) a bare chest or b) a super low-cut shirt, with colorful spandex pants and boots. Paul even goes so far as to top off his look with a wide gold belt. Um, who does this sound like?! How about any wrestler ever!??! Or okay, fine, any wrestler in the 80s (though it also sounds like Gorgeous George, so).
Seriously, there's a long line of spangly coats worn by wrestlers that goes from the Ric Flairs of yesteryear to the John Morrisons of today. I would say with all the neon, sparkles, and chest hair, for me Paul is most reminiscent of the Macho Man, Randy Savage. And it's a symbiotic relationship too, as you can draw a straight line from metal costumery to the type of ringwear favored by the Rockers, the Rock 'N' Roll Express, or even folks like the Road Warriors/the Legion of Doom, and the Ultimate Warrior (though in the latter cases I think the Mad Max movies are the confounding variable).
Third, all of the pointless decorative women. I know, I know -- it's a feature of like every metal video circa 1985. But pro wrestling also has a long history of pointless decorative women -- the valets, from Miss Elizabeth to Sherri and everyone else in between. Yes, these days the women actually do get to wrestle a bit more (not just in women-only franchises like GLOW but also on the main nationally televised wrestling programs), but nine times of ten its in something ridiculous like a "Red Carpet Dress to Impress" match, a "Baywatch" match, a "Divas Pajama Pillowfight" match, or something else to render them relatively decorative and pointless as compared to the men.
Fourth, all of the crotch shots. I can't explain it, but no matter how many cameras they have covering a pro wrestling match, they always will manage to cut to the one that is positioned directly between the legs of whomever is in a submission hold, getting pinned, or is otherwise just laying all splayed out in the ring. Honestly, it's kind of weird. I mean sometimes it's someone like Randy Orton, so it's okay, but other times, like when it's Sheamus, I just don't need to see all that.
Long story short, I can't completely hate this video -- much as I do -- because it reminds me of one of my other favorite things. Professional wrestling! The two really go together. Wrestling theme songs are some of the only places I can still dig up songs that actually sound a lot like lyrical metal -- for example, Christian's current theme or even Dolph Ziggler's music. Just imagine those being done by Warrant and Winger! Oh, I die. I mean, imagine if the Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection had really gotten going -- it's got to be a similar demographic, right? So why can't TNA get Poison to perform at one of their pay-per-views?
P.S.: Because a picture is worth a thousand words, peep the side-by-side comparison:
