Stryper, "Honestly"

My Imaginary First Dance Song  

THE VIDEO Stryper, "Honestly," To Hell With the Devil, 1986, Hollywood 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Calllllll on meee, and I'll be there for you-oooooooh-oooh / I'm a friend who allllllll-ways will be tru-ooooooooh-ooooh / And I love you can't you see-eeeeeeee / that I can say I luh-uh-uh-uh-uuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuu hon-on-est-lee-eeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee" 

THE VERDICT Okay, here's video #2 in my wedding theme month. How the heck is Stryper relevant, given that my fiance and I aren't religious at all? Well, given that I'm a bit slow on the uptake on this kind of stuff, for a really long time I just thought this would be a really nice like, wedding first dance song. 

I mean, it's a bit sappy incredibly sappy, and it's all the kind of promises you'd want to make, and really everything you'd want in a life partner, right? Okay, except that it's not being narrated from the point of view of like, a husband or wife or whatever. This song is actually a God's eye point of view. 

And I don't mean like, an omniscient narrator kind of thing. I mean literally, this song is like, the Lord or Jesus or whomever telling people He is always going to be there for them, a friend who'll always be true, etc. If you're a believer, it's a reassuring message, for sure. And if you wanted to use this as a message to your spouse, as I would, it's got a lovely message. 

Even if I think I'm the only person I know who can get through this song without complaining of torture. What can I say, I guess I have a cheesy streak. Okay, I have a cheesy streak like the size of Wisconsin. In any event, we aren't having a legit reception or anything like that, so we'll just have to talk about this video here. 

The video sort of takes us through the whole process of the song, from start to finish. We begin really at the beginning, with Michael Sweet composing the song at the piano. Why these parts are in black and white, I'm not sure. Like, it's a reenactment? The "oh no, look how hard this is!" part of an infomercial?

 

Then we move on to the band practicing the song together. Are they practicing in a garage? Or is this the usual metal video cliche of the empty warehouse, because this is a really big garage. They also seem to have some yellow and black-painted risers in there. Maybe it's like an airplane hangar, where all their stuff is waiting to be shipped off for their tour? Hmm, I'm not thinking the acoustics are probably that good in there. 

You know I have to say, in their way, Stryper have great style, with all the skinny jeans and hats and sweatpants. Robert Sweet just about has better Farrah Fawcett hair than Farrah herself did, it's perfect! You look at how they're dressed in this video, and aside from the big-shouldered jackets, it's all stuff that would totally play now. 

Okay, re-focusing. Probably the most notable aspect of this video is the 'behind the scenes' footage of them getting ready to leave for their tour. This is one of the only metal videos (if not the only one) that includes wives and babies in real time, as part of the video, not as just like, maybe one photo in the midst of a huge photo montage. 

They also show them kissing their wives/girlfriends a lot, which is really unusual in metal videos. They usually want to make the band members seem available to any ladies who might be watching. The exception to this is women in videos who the band members are really dating — viz. all the open-mouthed Tawny Kitaen-David Coverdale action in Whitesnake videos. 

This kissing is not like that, trust. I like too that these bits show Stryper to have a sense of humor. We get some jokey footage of them — Rob tosses an umbrella in a suitcase, Oz Fox just sticks an entire dresser drawer into his luggage. Then a white limo picks them all up and they go to the airport, showing us their passports. We even follow them into the plane — and not like, their own personal plane either (or like the helicopter they have in "Always There For You"). Stryper is flying coach!

 

So Stryper have gone to London, where they're on the marquee of the Hammersmith Odeon. Instead of the usual footage of them like, pensively staring out the windows of their tour bus or sitting around exhausted in hotels, Stryper actually take advantage of their traveling. The boys go out and sightsee a bit, hitting the usual tourist spots — Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace. I especially love when they walk by a poster for their concert, and it's right next to a gigantic Thompson Twins poster.

We also get to peek backstage, and this backstage footage is likewise not your usual backstage footage. There's nary a groupie in sight, and no one sprays anyone with beer. Instead, they've got out their Bibles, and they do a prayer circle. 

Moving forward in the sort of life cycle of the song, we then see them practicing on their stage set in their regular clothes. Then at the end Stryper are actually live in their full black and yellow regalia on the set, though at the last minute we're back with Michael and his piano. Hmm, that was pretty straightforward. 

Okay, strap yourselves in for a huge tangent (see, at least this week I saved it for the end!). Growing up, there was this hole-in-the-wall mom and pop shop a little ways from my house that was called the Corner Store. It was abundantly not on a corner, so who knows. But it was basically like a convenience store minus the gas station. It was very small, and sold like candy, and Wonder Bread, and stuff like that. 

It had a couple of arcade games on the back wall, and it had an incredibly distinct smell — I can't describe it, but if I smelled it anywhere else I would identify it as this. Sort of a mix of loose change, soft serve ice cream, and comic books (which they also sold, on a rack near the counter). 

I think I remember buying Garbage Pail Kids cards there too, but I might be conflating that with a memory of walking home with my parents from either the annual town Tag Sale or the annual town carnival and finding a long trail of Garbage Pail Kids cards along the side of the road and picking them all up. (In other news: Do I still have all those Garbage Pail Kids cards? Hellllll yeah I do!)

 

Anyway: Why this long digression? Okay, 'cause in addition to the aforementioned annual events my town held, there's also an annual Memorial Day Parade which is very like, small town America-y. All the local fire trucks drive down the street, and like, the oldest veterans and the selectmen ride through town in convertibles, and so on and so forth. People throw penny candy from the backs of flatbed trucks, and you run into the street and pick it up. (Well they used to, they aren't allowed to do that anymore because safety or whatever. Lame.)

Okay, I swear I'm getting to the connection soon! So one year, I marched in the Memorial Day Parade as a Girl Scout. I was a Brownie, so this would've been 1987 or 1988. And it was unbelievably hot that year, just scorching. But I made it through the whole parade, sweating under my stupid little felt Brownie beanie. 

When I'd walked the whole parade route, my mom met me (probably at the local high school), and we walked home. On the way though, we stopped at the Corner Store, 'cause she wanted to buy me a soft-serve ice cream cone for being good and all and sweating it out in the parade. 

So while the old man behind the counter (and it was literally just one old man who worked there, always) was getting my ice cream, I remember looking up at the wall behind the counter, where there were posters for sale, the kind you can win at carnivals, you know, where they're sort of mounted on cardboard and in these gold plastic frames. And right smack-dab in the middle above the counter was this big ol' Stryper poster, of them in all their black and yellow regalia. 

Now, today I would be like foaming at the mouth to get that poster, but at the time my little seven- or eight-year-old self was like, "Who the heck is gonna buy that poster?" Okay, that was an incredibly long and not especially relevant digression. 

But that is part of why I write this blog — so many parts of my life are somehow wrapped up in metal, and the littlest things, like seeing Stryper in all their yellow and black concert gear, can conjure up all these memories. I mean shoot, I can't remember the last time I thought about the Corner Store. That place closed in like 1989 or 1990, I think it's a realtor's office now. 

I could go on and on about this stuff. Also, I do.

P.S.: Did you know that unlike metal bands who jokingly claim their names are acronyms (Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot) or who others claim are acronyms (Kids/Knights In Satan's Service), Stryper actually is an acronym? "Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement, and Righteousness." And also yielding lots of striped clothing!

  

Scorpions, "Big City Nights"

Summer Tour, Makes Me Feel Fine  

THE VIDEO Scorpions, "Big City Nights," World Wide Live, 1985, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Big city! / Big city nights! / you keep me run-nin!" 

THE VERDICT Last year I made a concerted effort to do summertime videos, and back then I included this one from the Scorpions 'cause it's amazingly cheesy and less well-known. But thinking today about what would be a good summertime video, this Scorps classic of course came to me right away. 

I mean for sure, "Big City Nights" is a great song. Even more than other Scorpions tunes for me, it's chock full of great almost-nonsense lyrics that are nonetheless very evocative. I'd say that "a long sweet minute" is one of my favorite expressions in all of heavy metal, and who knows what they're even talking about! Nonetheless, I would totally name my hypothetical memoir that. 

I also appreciate that it's cool to hear a "touring is rad" song for a change, instead of the constant "touring is sooo hard, you guys" whine-fests we usually get. We know, we know, new city, same faces, riding around on the bus, pretending you miss some girlfriend/wife back home while you defile groupies. We get it. 

"Big City Nights" actually makes it seem like touring is pretty cool. As does this video, made for their World Wide Live album/home video. It's shot a little bit all over the place, but mostly in Southern California. Two Los Angeles dates, a Costa Mesa date, and one at the San Diego Sports Arena! (All in April 1984.) 

The behind-the-scenes stuff though appears to have been shot all over the place — you clearly see the Scorps on several different continents, and weirdly the only shots where you can definitely tell where they are in the U.S. are in Illinois (at the Rosemont Horizon).

 

You know the performance shots in this video have a lot from the Cali segments though, since at the end Klaus Meine thanks California and says California keeps them "run-in-in-in-in-in-in." This makes me assume the beach scenes are in California, even if the skimpiness of the bathing suits and the level of tanning in these scenes makes me think Brazil. Then again, it was the 80s. These were the years of baby oil, not sunblock. 

In general, I feel like the "Big City Nights" video is most memorable for being full of amazing 80s babes. I like that (also as per live video cliche) they cut together the footage of random women with random shots of the Scorpions playing live so it appears that, e.g., Matthias Jabs is reacting with a lecherous grin to a woman winking at the camera in a totally different place. 

In addition to the beach babes (did they even know they'd wind up in a Scorpions video?), we also get to see the chicks who appear to be in the Scorpions' entourage. In particular there's this one woman who looks like a very 80s, very tarted up Sandra Bullock who shows up in all the WWL vids. She appears to be Herman Rarebell's girlfriend, and pops up as the sexy pool player in this one. I like though the woman in the background, reading House & Garden magazine while dressed like a dominatrix. 

Though I feel like the bikini footage is kind of the most notable element of this clip, "Big City Nights" still does have tour video cliches. Think: the view through the front window of bus, autograph signings, arena shots, sweaty fans, over-enthusiastic women making their way onto the stage, the band making their way to the stage, roadies testing equipment, hanging out backstage wearing towels, male fans who look like their passion in singing along is about to make them explode. I mean that guy toward the end is really excited to be singing along with this song.

 

And babes and other cliches aside, the thing we see the most is lots of shots of the Scorpions goofing around — they always seem like fun and friendly guys in their videos, who've got a good sense of humor about themselves. 

They're all constantly horsing around though, whether they're waiting around a hotel lobby or boarding a plane. I mean you can't get a camera near Rudy Schenker without him making a silly face. Weirdly we see Klaus Meine kind of the least in this footage, but he's always up to something, usually dancing. In one shot he's dancing with a flamenco dancer, in another, with a belly dancer. 

And then of course, there is the actual live footage of the band. I like the WWL stage set — it looks like a giant stereo from the 80s. Like think of the stereo that gets destroyed in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It's sort of a lot of horizontal black stuff, but then the glowing colors — shading from red to yellow to green — look like equalizer bars. 

You don't really see stereos looking like that any more do you? Hell, these days everything is just like, a big speaker with an iPod dock stuck on the top of it. I wonder if bands these days do stage sets that look like that (I mean hell, you know I don't know the answer to that one). 

P.S.: It's as un-metal as it gets, but don't act like you don't get the reference in this post's title.

Iron Maiden, "Wasted Years"

In Retrospect...  

THE VIDEO Iron Maiden, "Wasted Years," Somewhere in Time, 1986, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Sooooh-oooooh-ooooh / under-sta-a-and / don't waste your time always searching for those was-ted years! / Face uh-uppp, make your sta-a-and / and re-a-lize you're living in the gol-den years!" 

THE VERDICT Some people think this song is really cheesy, but you know me — I love me some inspirational metal. I have two reasons I wanted to talk about this video, but first, well, let's talk about the video. What happens here? 

Well, the video for "Wasted Years" is a mix of stuff — remember that Somewhere in Time shows Eddie as sort of a badass futuristic space dude, so the entire video is framed with this sort of artwork of the video being played on screens in Eddie's space ship. But that's only at the very end. For most of the video, we just see footage of the band performing more or less for each other in a dark, empty space. 

Unlike Iron Maiden's usual video staging — with, if not a real arena stage, then a fake one — here the boys are just hanging out, a la Tesla. They play the song sort of facing in toward each other, in a loose circle. That's the least interesting part of the video though. 

More interesting is all the nostalgic Iron Maiden stuff woven all through it. First, there are the old photos of the band. We see them posing in different parts of the world (Japan, Brazil, Poland), and lots of them — especially Dave Murray — wearing silly hats, making silly faces, silly poses, etc. There's even a sequence of photos of their crew members and management — it's a family affair here in this video. 

 

Also in the mix is behind-the-scenes footage of the band, some of which appears to be a photo shoot, but more generally seeming to show their hobbies. We see them all playing soccer football. Weirdly, we don't see anything to do with Bruce Dickinson and planes, but we do see him practicing archery and fencing. 

Another theme woven throughout this video is footage from Iron Maiden's other videos. They mix in brief clips of a bunch of stuff, most notably "Run to the Hills", "The Number of the Beast", "The Trooper", "2 Minutes to Midnight", and "Aces High." 

There are also bits of live footage — some of this might be from other videos, but I mostly don't recognize it. In any event, it shows off their epic stage sets to very good effect. I think my favorite is a giant, mummified Eddie shooting sparks out of his eyes as part of the Powerslave sphinx Eddie stage set. 

My very most favorite part of this video though is all the montages of Derek Riggs' artwork. These are so, so cool. You get to see the evolution of Eddie, from a Edvard Munch-inspired-looking wraith to a very stylized sort of skinless dude. I like that the montages go forward in time and sort of build up as they go, leading to a mega-montage that introduces Adrian Smith's solo. (Adrian, btw, wrote this song, but I love that despite this, Steve Harris sings along while he plays as he always does.) It's basically the Eddie from each of their singles, and to see them all together rules. 

So okay, why did I want to talk about this song? Well, we'll do the deeper one first. Lately I have really been in an introspective, reflective mood. Though you can tell obviously from this blog I am big into nostalgia, lately I feel like for the first time in my life I am really looking to the future. Until recently, I feel like I've been one of those people who's always like, "oh, this was when things were cool or my life was good or whatever," and kind of going over things like that constantly. But lately, I'm finding a shift in myself toward a more present-focused orientation. I feel like it's probably a really healthy thing. 

So anyway, yeah, while I can't relate to the parts of this song that are about being on tour (which as metal bands are always having to remind us, is just soul-suckingly hard), lately I find I can really relate to the chorus. Is it cheesy? Yes. But does a little metal motivation ever hurt? No. I'm busting out Oprah-style bitches, living my best life!

 

The other reason I thought to do this song is because of something amazing that happened to me recently. I was out shopping for clothes, which I only buy used (that's a whole other long story). 

Anyway, I was on the very last rack of t-shirts, hadn't really found much, just some stuff that was maybe okay for work, when suddenly, I found... an Iron Maiden 1982 "The Beast On Tour" t-shirt in mint vintage condition. 

You guys, when I saw that thing, it was like, you know the parts in Requiem for a Dream when the people do drugs, and they do all those quick cuts of like different stuff happening, and their pupils going all big and whatnot? It was like that. 

I mean this shirt is approximately a vintage size small (it just fits me, and I'm a pretty small girl), baseball-style tee with a tan body, camo-printed sleeves, and Eddie artwork on the front and back. The front has circular artwork of Eddie stabbing a Union Jack into a globe, and the Maiden logo. The back has the Maiden logo with circular art of Eddie leaning casually against the flag pole, and says "The Beast On Tour 1982." Nineteen-eighty-effing-two! This shirt is almost 30! 

I had seen one other shirt like this with the camo sleeves, and it was framed and hanging on a wall in a vintage store. This one, on the other hand, was $36. I bought it immediamente, practically hyperventilating I was so excited. 

To put this event in perspective, my fiance and I also bought wedding bands that day, and I'm calling people like "You're not going to believe what happened to me! I found an Iron Maiden tee from 1982!!"

I've worn it once, but I am probably going to have to mostly keep it on ice. Why? Well, because once we were home, I went online to look at similar shirts, and find out what they sell for. We couldn't find my exact one (Iron Maiden made a lot of tees back in the day), but it turns out similar ones sell for like $500 - $1,000. What?!!? 

Now I know, like my mom always says, it's only worth that much if someone will actually pay you that much much for it, and I definitely don't intend to sell it, but still. I'm pretty sure it's easily the most valuable shirt in my collection, though I haven't taken the time to actually figure this out. 

In any event, that got me on a big Maiden kick. And given that my other Maiden shirt is a 1987 "Somewhere on Tour" tee (which I bought at the Salvation Army in 2001 for 99 cents!), I wound up at this album. Talk about living in the golden years!

Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Power Ballad Cliches, Part II  

THE VIDEO Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Open Up and Say... Ahh!, 1988, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Eaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyv-ry rose has its thawn / jest laaaaaahk eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyv-ry naght / has its daw-aawww-awww-awwwn / jest laaahk eaaaayyyv-ry cow-ow-boy / sings his sad, say-ad sawng / eaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvv-ry rose has its thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn" 

THE VERDICT Yeah baby! It's March again, so you know what that means! Wait, you don't know what that means? Allow me to refresh your memory! Once again, it's Power Ballad Month! For the entire month of March, we'll be focusing on one of hair metal's core components — the power ballad.

Kicking it off, it's Poison with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I picked this one for a lot of reasons. It's one of those songs everyone knows, and so you see it misattributed all over the place (Def Leppard? Guns N Roses!?!?). 

But for our purposes, its video boasts a bevy of power ballad video cliches. I went into this topic at length last year with the video that I argue originated a lot of these cliches, but "Every Rose" gives us a nice refresher on some of these. 

Lead Singer Has Lady Problems: I've made this argument at length elsewhere, but suffice to say that whenever it's a breakup song, suddenly the lead singer has a girlfriend. This signals to any ladies out there listening that hey, he's available. It also signals to the guys that he's not totally whipped, since I mean he is breaking up with her after all. 

"Every Rose" uses this just at the beginning of the video, and then never brings it up again. We see a truly glorious Bret Michaels asleep in bed with a woman who sort of looks like a more voluptuous version of Downtown Julie Brown. Okay, maybe it's just the fact that she appears to be sleeping in a sports bra and an incredibly high-waisted thong — seriously, it's like a Mom thong, if there is such a thing. I'm glad we've moved on from the time when underwear was cut that way.

 

Besides the thong, there's a lot of discomfort in the room. One, they've left a fire burning in the fireplace, which doesn't seem safe. Two, both have their eyes open and are shifting around a lot. Three, Bret is sleeping with a whole bunch of jewelry on — that is so uncomfortable! And if that stuff's cheap at all, he's gonna wind up with green stains on his wrists. 

Anyway, we just see this romantic interlude for the very beginning of the video. As soon as Bret gets out of bed (and just before we get to clearly see his teeny bikini briefs!) the shot fades out and we move on. Oh, also the song finally starts, since the whole beginning of the video is silent except for the rustling of the bed sheets and the crackling of the fire. 

Grainy Behind-the-Scenes Footage: Most of this video is shot in a sort of blue-tinted black and white, but we also see a lot of backstage footage that's in grainy black and white. I don't know what it is about showing some film grain that just screamed verite to metal video directors of the 80s, but they sure loved that stuff. Lots of C.C. DeVille and Rikki Rockett looking pensive. 

Footage of the Band Rocking Out: If this is your first introduction to this band, Poison don't want you to be confused by the fact that it's a power ballad. Similarly, if you forgot about "I Won't Forget You" and only listened to the other tracks on Look What the Cat Dragged In, Poison don't want you to abandon them, thinking they've somehow stopped rocking. As a reminder then, this video includes lots of live footage of the band playing songs that are obviously not this one. 

The part where Bret is screaming and windmilling his arms, with his eyes so bugged out he's a dead ringer for Jani Lane, gets used in a lot of Vh-1 montages. Also included are lots of shots of Rikki drumming super-intensely with his hair soaking wet with sweat. 

They also put in lots of slow-mo action shots. This has the advantage of demonstrating how hard the band is capable of rocking, while at the same time taking things down to a power ballad pace. Lots of the shots of Rikki are slow-mo, as is some stuff of Bobby smashing a guitar (or trying to anyway) and Bret jumping off some risers.

 

"It's Soo Hard On the Road!": Oh man, this video lets you know that as much as Poison's rocking, they really are leaving it all out on the stage, and are drained and broken men when the curtain falls. Seriously. 

There's no beer spraying and groupie groping in this video. Instead, we see a bunch of shots of Bret sitting around looking like his dog just died. We also see Bret getting his ankle taped, and Rikki having the same done to his fingers. Oh my god guys, they're killing themselves to entertain us! 

In case this isn't enough to convince us of the lonely, difficult life led by super-famous rock stars, we also see footage of an open highway through the tour bus' windshield, and the guys leaning their heads against the bus windows and staring listlessly into the distance. They pop off the bus and stretch, because being driven around in a tour bus is sooo hard. 

Perhaps the best of this though is the footage of Bobby Dall (who's barely in this video otherwise) crawling around on the stage, and being lifted to a semi-standing position by a roadie. It's unclear if Bobby's really that exhausted or if he's just pretty loaded, but either way it's clear rocking this hard isn't easy, kids. 

"We're Such Nice, Regular Guys!": Not all the backstage stuff is drama and sorrow. I mean, in this video most of it is, but we do still see a little bit of the fun-loving Poison we all know and love. Bret can't resist checking out the women hanging in the hallway backstage, or painting a white stripe down C.C.'s nose while he sleeps. See? Even though we're super-famous, we're still totally down to earth. Another name for this type of footage in power ballad videos is "We Would Totally Have a Beer With You."

Suddenly the Lead Singer Plays Guitar: Why is it that lead singers who never normally go near a guitar suddenly have chops when it comes to power ballads? I mean any other song, they're just the singers. Then the minute it slows down, it's like oh wait, I can do this too. 

A lot of this video we see Bret Michaels sitting on a stool in an otherwise empty space, playing an acoustic guitar with a blue rose painted on it. He's wearing wraparound sunglasses and a big black hat. 

I mean I get it — this is really Bret's song. But it's still kind of weird. At least for the solo, we see C.C. playing, so it's not like they try to convince us Bret suddenly became a guitar virtuoso. But still.

 

Ending on an Emotional Note: Though most of this video is live footage, we don't see many close-ups of fans. There are crowd shots, but all they demonstrate is that this is a quite-large arena. Toward the end though, we finally get close-ups — and it's a total of course shot for a power ballad video. Yup, it's a female fan, covered in sweat and her eyes shining with tears. An emotional experience for everyone! We also get the obligatory shot of the band members all putting their arms around each other and bowing to the crowd. 

I've heard this song about ten zillion times, and despite the fact that I don't care that much for the chorus (the enuncuation is too exaggerated for my taste, and it gets very repetitive and dirge-y), it's still a good one. 

I have heard Bret say before he wrote this song after calling some stripper he'd been dating while they were on tour for Look What the Cat Dragged In, and having a dude pick up the phone at her place. On the one hand, I guess it's an "aww" story, but on the other hand, come on, like this guy wasn't getting a ton of ass on the road? 

Still, this song has some truly great parts, mainly in the verses for me. The last bit, starting with "and now I hear you found somebody new / and that I never meant that much to you" gets me every time. Or maybe it's just that as Dave Chappelle and John Mayer point out, this song is really in the sweet spot of stuff white people like (or at least will dance to). 

They're just making the point that it has guitar in it, but if you really think about it, it fits. I mean it's metal, but it's also a very country song — listening to this, it's like duh Bret Michaels went on to do solo country stuff. 

Plus it doesn't have the hard edges that a song like "I Remember You" has, with the screamy vocals, making it an ideal gateway drug for people who never thought they'd listen to a metal song. If this is you, now go listen to the rest of Open Up and Say... Ahh!.

P.S. from 2020: Looking at some of my old notes for this site, I had gotten my hands on a VHS copy of Rock Video Girls 2, which includes the thong girl from the beginning of this video (that link goes to a photo of the back of the tape, you can see her really clearly). Her name is Monique Biffignani, and her only other credit is some Playboy lingerie thing. 

In RVG2, she says she left Oregon to go to LA when she was 13 or 14, and her big break was Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" (and yes, you can totally see her in that post — she's the brunette wearing red, satiny undergarments with a sheer white top over them). 

Monique said she heard from a girlfriend that they were looking for dancers for a video, and to go down and "look as hot as you can." She lied and said she had experience as a dancer, and was cast in the video. That also got her cast in this video — she says the Crüe had met Poison through a photographer, and she got recommended.

Her other uncredited appearances include videos for Tone Loc, Young MC, and Bon Jovi. I still haven't figured out which Bon Jovi video she's in, though she mentions it was shot in the desert and that JBJ was "really nice" and "very involved" in making the video, though she didn't get to talk to him much. 

(And yes, I also own Rock Video Girls 3, but the only VCR I could find died before I had the chance to watch it!)

Def Leppard, "Armageddon It"

1987: Best Year Ever?

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Armageddon It," Hysteria, 1987, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Yeah-ah, but are you gettin' it?! / [ARMAGGEDDON IT!] / Re-eally gettin' ih-it?/ [YES ARMAGGEDDON IT!]"

THE VERDICT My quick mention of Def Leppard's concert video "Live: In the Round, In Your Face" last week gave me a hankering for some Hysteria, so rather than go with the obvious, I've decided to shine a light on "Armageddon It." I always feel like this is one of the more forgotten singles from this album, and thinking about it extra hard this week is making me realize why.

For one, the song is a bit of a mish-mash of ideas. You feel like they had maybe three ideas -- the verse, the build-up to the chorus, and the chorus -- that couldn't quite make it to full-on song status. Rather than abandon them, they've been turned into a bit of a franken-song. Admittedly, I love the pre-chorus in this song (the "give me all of your lovin'" part) -- I literally get chills every time I hear it.

But "Armageddon It"? What does that even mean? I think they just liked chanting it, since it sort of sounds like "I'm getting it." I remember circa third grade watching this video and asking my mom what armageddon was, and her explaining the concept to me, and me being like -- even as an eight-year-old -- WTF does this have to do with this song/video. Except I never would have even thought the f-word, even to myself. Despite my secret penchant for metal, I wasn't that kind of kid.

I mean most of the lyrics are sort of like, you're a tease, you talk a good game but you won't actually do anything, blablabla. Does this have anything to do with a biblical version of the end of the world? Ummm no. Nor does it have to do with any type of large-scale, super-destructive battle.



Anyway though, the video for this really gives you a sense of what the Hysteria tour was like, much more so than the more carefully shot "Pour Some Sugar On Me." At the beginning, we get the whole sped-up setting up for the concert montage -- it takes place in Denver at the McNichol Sports Arena, so, as we'll see later, kudos to the women of Denver.

I've got to say, this looks like it was an amazing arena tour. I mean yeah, the whole "in the round" thing is cooler in theory than in practice. It kind of just means you're probably only seeing like half the band at any given time -- even being in the front row doesn't mean they'll be like, in front of you. At the same time though, I can't get over the coolness of the stage.

I love how they took all the squiggles from the album artwork, and sort of blew them up and made them into this like, giant stage covered in neon patterns. I thought it was cool as hell at the time, and I still love it now. Sadly, since I was seven or eight years old at this time, the closest I got to this tour was the videos. Luckily, the videos capture it really well.

About half of this video takes place behind the scenes, with black and white footage of the band arriving and rehearsing. We also get to see, in color for some reason, them hanging out after the show. Apparently on this round stage set, they could basically climb down through the center and go underneath it for their breaks. According to I think it was Joe saying this on their episode of Behind the Music (which is a damn good one), that place was more or less a pit of debauchery.

We don't see that here though, in spite of the women they show in the crowd, some of whom are gorgeous and some of whom are serious eyeliner abusers. There is one blonde woman in particular who also appears in "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and is absolutely stunning -- she knows all the words and somehow doesn't seem to sweat. With how prominently she's featured in the crowd shots, there's no way she didn't get backstage. Anyway though, we don't see even the slightest implication of groupie action here. We see the guys goofing around, with Joe and Rick Savage wearing giant furry slippers.



But more than that, it's how the band members interact -- or mainly, don't interact -- with the camera that gives you a better sense of this. Joe Elliott really hams it up in the rehearsal footage, but there's only one part of the video where he actually sings to the camera. In general, everyone in the band is on the move the entire time, and really playing to the crowd. No one except Joe looks at the camera or pays it any mind.

That's the other thing that's always impressed me about these videos, and made me realize just how big Def Leppard was at the time. I mean okay, one, they could take a franken-song like this and have it be a #1 hit. But two, you never see the cameras in this video. They stay out of each other's way, which is really impressive given that there appear to be a whole ton of cameras. In other words, this was a pretty big-budget production for a hair band.

Thinking about it a little harder, I can't decide whether it was surprising or completely par for the course that they didn't exactly follow up with another amazing album. It's always hard to top your best effort, and yes, in the interim we lost Steve Clark, but come on -- they did follow up on the very excellent Pyromania with Hysteria. So it's not totally impossible.

The other thing really striking me about Def Leppard at this moment is how even though they have a sound that is more toward the pop side of the metal spectrum, they really aren't a band that's about looks (unlike, say, Bon Jovi). I mean Joe has that awful hockey hair, and those shredded jeans are just silly. I am lusting after his "Women" tee though -- I would love one of those.

I have a "Hysteria - On Tour" tee that I'm not sure whether it's a bootleg or a legit concert-sold article. It's basically just the album art with the words "ON TOUR" superimposed across the bottom. I love that dang shirt. I got it for $1 at the Salvation Army about ten years ago now, and I got an Iron Maiden "Somewhere On Tour" shirt that same day, also for $1. Seriously, back before hipsters and widespread eBay, my life was so much better.



Anyway wait, talking about the band's look, not mine. Steve Clark -- in a black jacket, black jeans, and cowboy-ish boots -- looks ah-mazing, but that's just because he's super hot. He doesn't look like he's trying. There's no product in that hair. Rick Savage is in more or less the same outfit, but he's a little too cutesy for me.

Phil Collen -- that rarest of birds, the short-haired guitarist -- isn't even wearing a shirt, and Rick Allen is in a plain white tee. This relates back though to what I was saying about how they definitely appear to be playing to the crowd rather than playing to the cameras here -- this is a band that's more about the music.

Long story short, 1987. What a year! I have to think about this harder, but this might well have been the best year in heavy metal. Just think what you found on the new release rack when you went to the record store in '87: Hysteria, Appetite for Destruction, Back for the Attack, Whitesnake, Among the Living, The Legacy, Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part I, Once Bitten... I mean, the list goes on. Whatever subgenre you like, there's something for you. Also, Headbanger's Ball debuted -- even with Adam Curry as the host, this was a serious event for heavy metal videos.

This is a question I'll have to think about more though: What was the best year in heavy metal history? There are sure to be many contenders, but 1987 is looking like a good bet, at least to me.

Tesla, "Love Song"

The World's Most Wholesome Metal Fans

THE VIDEO Tesla, "Love Song," The Great Radio Controversy, 1989, Geffen

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Love eeees all around you-ou / love is knockin' / outside your doo-ooo-ooor-or / waitin' for you / isthislovemadejustfortwo-ooh / keepanop-enheart,andyou'llfindlovea-gain / I know"

THE VERDICT I know, this is another "is this really the summer?" video, but I'm going to go with yes, it is. It definitely feels like summer -- summer tours, big-ass arena concerts, sleeveless t-shirts. It's summer in spirit if not in season (though trust me, I'm pretty damn sure it is summer).

This video begins with a lot of the stock themes we've come to expect from live videos -- the empty arena, the tour bus on the road (Tesla's destination is labeled "Home," as opposed to say Mötley Crüe's "Rockin' and Rollin'"), sped-up footage of the arena filling up, close-up of the guitarist's hands. Oh, and lest we forget, the all-important shot of the lead singer looking pensively out the tour bus window! Yes, life on the road is tough. So tough, in fact, that we get multiple shots of different band members on the bus.

The video starts out with Tesla performing the song while the arena is empty -- I guess we can assume that, for the purposes of shooting a video, they are doing a very thorough soundcheck. Jeff Keith is wearing round sunglasses, a yellow button-down shirt, and jeans -- pretty conservative for him, actually. Then we see Troy Luccketta playing with his kid. Aww, his kid's got a little junior mullet! Glad to see that haircut got passed down.

Shots of roadies prepping the stage fade into Tesla on their bus, which fade into shots of Tesla on stage. It's still just soundcheck time though -- even if we are getting some sort of expository shots of a red flag and a skywriting plane. Things don't really get going until the guitar speeds up just a hair, and we see sped-up footage of the arena filling.



Then, as soon as we hit the first chorus, boom! The crowd's all there. And what a crowd. Seriously, these are the most wholesome-looking women you will ever see in a heavy metal video, and I'm including Stryper videos in that count, people. Seriously, it's like if Norman Rockwell had lived to create a painting of an 80s metal concert, that's how warmly lit and sanitized this video feels.

Though a bunch of the crowd shots make it appear to be daytime, most of the time when we see the band, it's night. Jeff has switched into an unbuttoned patterned shirt and his favorite "we're shooting a video today" pants (the ones with footprints painted onto them). Tommy Skeoch has put on a ruffly pirate shirt -- and let me just say he looks delectable -- further proving that Tesla have upped their wardrobe game for this video.

To underscore the liveness, the crowd sound has been added in a bunch of spots in this video, often when they're showing the men in the crowd. While sweatier than the ladies, these guys look equally wholesome, and extremely pleased to see Tesla. Conveniently, many members of the crowd have made elaborate signs explicitly about this song. Hmm, I think they knew they were filming a video. Does this explain the "best behavior" we seem to be seeing? Or is there already considerable self-selection inherent in being a Tesla fan in the first place?

Everyone in Tesla is going nuts. Jeff is doing his little hip-swiveling dance, and Frank Hannon is somehow headbanging while carefully playing a double-neck guitar. There's a lot of kicking and hair-tossing going on in general, and as we head into the guitar solo, yes, the lighters have come out. Sparklers even! The crowd is starting to look slightly worse for the wear (and sound slightly screamier). We even get the obligatory shot of a guy in the crowd screaming like he is about to turn into the Incredible Hulk, so powerful is this guitar solo. (See "Power Ballad Cliche #9")

Somehow like half the women in the crowd are up on someone else's shoulders, and literally all the women in the crowd know all the words to this song. Everyone's looking a bit sweaty as the song devolves into the everyone shouting part, which is the weakest bit of it (the "love is gonna find a way-ay-ay" repeated a zillion times). For this whole sequence, it's just shot after shot of the members of Tesla having multiple guitargasms, and women in the audience singing along. Tesla, chick, Tesla, chick.



For the very last part, which is quiet, the arena is completely black except for the light from lighters. We then get a patently non-live shot -- Jeff and Frank are sitting in the center of the stage completely alone. We then see, semi-transparent over the image of them, the skywriting plane again, which has written "LOVE" in the sky. Also it's the old-fashioned kind, where the pilot has to do actually loop-de-loops and stuff, not those ones you see making Geico ads over stadiums where they just do the little puffs to sort of type out all the letters. We sort of see the crowds' hands waving again before it all fades out.

So this is a fun video, and a great song. I mean, if there's one thing Tesla's great at (okay, there's more than one, but this is the one I'm going to talk about), it's writing songs that make you feel better about life. "Love Song" is right up there with "The Way It Is" in this respect -- it's the exact kind of song that can pull you out of a horrible break-up. And the lyrics! So, so good. They're that perfect combination of almost nonsensical and totally evocative. Admittedly, I've always heard "is this love made just for two" as "yes this love may just haunt you," so I was making them more nonsensical, but whatever. It's no wonder this song made it all the way to #10 on the Billboard Hot 100 back in 1990.

Perhaps this can explain the wholesome women -- this is one of those songs that got such saturation airplay that it probably got all kinds of folks who had never heard another Tesla song to go to a Tesla concert (another good example of this phenomenon is "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche). So maybe these just aren't heavy metal girls. Or okay, maybe they're "heavy metal" girls, like the type who are also really into Nelson.

Hypothesis #2 is that it's because this is a hometown crowd -- Tesla are in Sacramento, as evidenced by the radio station banners you can see in the background during some of the daytime shots. Then again, they've also got a hometown crowd in the video for "The Way It Is". But I mean, come on, they're doing a charity food drive in that video, and the crowd doesn't look as wholesome as this one does! That's from January 1990, though that song didn't chart until April. Hmmm. Okay, my official guess is that this video is from summer 1989.

Okay but anyway, point is, the combination of a) this song being really popular with non-metal fans and b) it being a hometown crowd seems to mean that c) this is the most bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked crowd of metal fans you'll ever see in a video. And I mean ever.

Guns N Roses, "Paradise City"

The Summer of '88

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Paradise City," Appetite for Destruction, 1987, Polygram

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Take me down to the Paradise City / where the grass is green and the girls are pretty / Take! Me! Ho-oh-ooooooome yeah yeah-ah!"

THE VERDICT This video always, always has said "summertime" to me. "Paradise City" is also, for my money, one of GNR's most iconic videos, as opposed to the bloated, over-budgeted monstrosities of their later years.

If you watch it, it has a lot of shots that will go on to get used in Vh-1 montages and the like, even moreso than "Welcome to the Jungle" (really mostly just Axl screaming and leaning on Slash, and Axl sitting on the bed watching all the TVs) and "Sweet Child O' Mine" (really just Slash plugging in his guitar). Let's review it together.

The beginning of the video, shot in gritty black-and-white, establishes that this is an "on tour" video. The camera pans around an empty Giants stadium, and we see GNR tees that are probably $150 on eBay right now. The camera pans past the stage, where we see various of the band members hanging out, looking young and oh-so-hot. I've talked about this many times before: These boys are in their Magic Hour.

Of course, Axl Rose only appears once the video is suddenly in color, and they're actually performing. He's wearing a customized white leather getup that somehow, no one ever makes fun of him for, even though people make fun of Warrant for their customized white leather getups all the time! Maybe it's 'cause he's also wearing a Cathouse t-shirt. If I could find a non-repro Cathouse tee, I'd be the happiest woman alive pretty much.

Shots of the band performing in color are interspersed with backstage shots in black and white in a very fast "meet the band" sequence, then when Axl finishes the first chorus and swings his arm out, we finally see the ginormous stadium crowd for a minute. Again, this is Giants Stadium, where GNR are opening for Aerosmith, who I assume are still touring off of Permanent Vacation (since GNR are likewise still touring off of Appetite). Can you imagine watching 1988 Guns N Roses do "Welcome to the Jungle" live, then watching Steven Tyler wheeze through "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)"? I don't mind Aerosmith, but that would really be a letdown.



Anyway, then we see the band (not Axl, of course) roaming around 80s Manhattan, which you know I love. Slash, Duff, and Steven go to beloved (and since departed) Manny's Music, where we get an iconic shot of the camera zooming in on Steven sitting against a bunch of amps.

Then we're back at Giants Stadium with more set-up shots, including a favorite of mine, Slash wearing cut-offs standing in the middle of the stadium. Fans begin to pour in, and we also see the boys looking at stuff on the street. I'm pretty sure they're in midtown, but I always picture them as being down near St. Mark's Place in this part.

The crowd is in full effect, and even Axl seems to have shown up. Everyone gets their guitars, and then with that piercing whistle, we're finally at the dunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nunt-duh-nuh-nuh-NUH guitar part, which rules. Everyone's going nuts, particularly white leather Axl. The crowd is going nuts, though interestingly you can see when they pull back enough (which they try to avoid doing I'm assuming for this reason), the top-tier of nosebleed seats is far from full.

In the midst of this performance footage, we get another of my favorite moments: Duff hits on a woman walking by, who totally keeps walking. Woman! You are being hit on by 1988 Duff McKagan!! He is not going to look like that forever! This is soon followed by another iconic shot -- the quick transition from "tell me who you're gonna believe" to the couple making out in the middle of the crowd. Damn! Can you imagine being like "that was me making out in the crowd during 'Paradise City' in 1988"? And then we've got yet another one -- Steven Adler riding around on a boat in the East River, with the World Trade Center behind him.

Then we're back with Axl, and what appears to be literally a sea of white people waving their arms at him rhythmically. A tiny security guard foils an equally small dude trying to get onstage. Lots of fast camera swings, but then we get some nice shots of Slash playing his guitar while standing next to a fan -- not a GNR fan, literally like a large box fan, 'cause they're playing during the daytime in the middle of summer at the freakin' Meadowlands. It's hot.



Anyway, it's mostly color footage of an increasingly sweaty band performing at this point in the video, interspersed with backstage/behind-the-scenes black and white stuff. I love the trying-to-wake-up-Steven-at-the-hotel shots, as well as Slash signing an autograph using some guy's back as a table.

In the midst of all this, we see the band hopping on the Concorde to head to England to play the Monsters of Rock festival (so for this we know an exact date -- August 20, 1988). That year Donington was headlined by Iron Maiden, and also featured KISS, David Lee Roth, Megadeth, and Helloween -- can you imagine?! A bunch of behind the scenes shots (race track sign, GNR dressing room sign) establish that yes, we are in England now. Lots of fans, Slash getting interviewed in the press tent by... crap... I can never remember this guy's name. He looks like Bruce Villanch, but he's not. I remember seeing him talk about this video on a Vh-1 special once, and he was thrilled to pieces that he's in the video.

We don't get much clear performance video from Donington, just a lot of crowd shots. Though no one cites a source for this (and I don't think of GNR as a terribly thoughtful band, sorry), everything I've read about this video (which admittedly isn't much, remember, I am the best source of heavy metal video info on the web! Or anywhere else) claims that the band added all this Donington footage in honor of two fans who were crushed to death during the band's performance that day. The biggest difference between this and the Giants stadium footage is that it's in black and white; there's no seating, just a giant sea of people; and fans in Europe always bring big, elaborate homemade banners with them.

As the song goes more and more off the rails, the video actually gets more subdued. Yes, there's some Axl dance, in both Jersey and England, but we mostly get a lot of vaguely moody crowd shots, and images of the band members sitting around peacefully backstage.

The end of the video is almost all Donington -- chaotic shots of the band and the crowd, with lots of rapid cuts. But for the final "hooooooooooooooome" we cut back and forth between screaming Axl in both settings, in color and in black and white. The final shot is of Axl in Jersey with his arms upraised.



This video is a bit of a time capsule, really -- there are a lot of things in it that don't exist anymore (and no, I don't just mean a GNR lineup that isn't packed full of randos): The Monsters of Rock festival. Giants Stadium, just replaced by the outstandingly fugly Izod Center. Manny's. The World Trade Center, which is always hard to see. (I don't mean it's difficult to make out, I just mean, it's sad to look at.) The Concorde. Steven Adler as a full-fledged member of GNR, of course. In all, I like the time-capsule video more than I like the song.

Speaking of the song: Have you ever seen someone try to sing this song karaoke? Casual fans always just remember the sing-along chorus, which is realllly easy to sing, and completely forget what the rest of the song sounds like, which is a slower version of "Garden of Eden" without the helpful bouncing ball. (Weirdly, I can't find a version with the bouncing ball on Youtube, but I SWEAR it exists. Beavis and Butt-head watch it!)

They also tend to forget how long and instrumental the beginning is. You'll see them get a panicked look in their eye, then try to make the best of it with some air guitar. But then when the first verse appears ("jus' an urchin livin' under the street / I'ma, hard case that's tough to beat") the real fear sets in. Most people don't make it past the second verse (the "I'd have another cigarette" one), which is probably for the best. (I'm assuming they also forget that the song is nearly seven minutes long, but it never comes to that.)

The weird thing is, the verses are by far the coolest part of this song. The sort of breakdown part ("so faaaar away") comes in second, and anything involving the actual chorus (including at the end when it gets really fast) comes in a distant third for me. I think the chorus is just, for better or worse (but mostly worse), something frat guys can sing along to that helped GNR sell more albums.

But really, the verse on this song encapsulates everything I enjoy about Appetite-era Guns N Roses -- gritty lyrics, staccato delivery punctuated by the occasional yowl, and crunchy, heavy guitars. Guess I'll mostly stick to "Night Train" and "Mr Brownstone." But for when I need to see delectable footage of a young Duff McKagan, I'll put on this video.

Mötley Crüe, "Home Sweet Home"

Defining Moments

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Home Sweet Home," Theatre of Pain, 1985, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm on my wayyy-ayyy-ayyy, I'm on my wayyy-ayyy-ayyyyy / home swee-eeet home / ta-night, ta-night! I'm on my wayyy-ayyy, just set me freee-eeee / home sweeeeet home"

THE VERDICT I have decided, for reasons all my own, and in spite of the fact that February probably would have made more sense, that March will be Power Ballads Month over here at Heavy Metal Videos. Many guitar-oriented rock bands have written and performed power ballads, but never before or since has their been such powerful balladry as during hair metal's heyday. As such, all this month's posts will be power ballads. So get out your lighters! Find a make-out partner! It's Power Ballad Month!

I've chosen Mötley Crüe's "Home Sweet Home" as my opener for a couple of reasons. First, in spite of songs such as, I don't know, "Still Loving You" (1984), "Bringin' on the Heartbreak" (1981), or going even further back, "Stairway to Heaven" (1971), I have in more than one instance heard Vince Neil claim that the Crüe invented the power ballad with this song. As per the previously introduced evidence (as well as much more), they didn't.

However, what the Crüe arguably did invent with "Home Sweet Home" was the power ballad video. In many ways, this video introduces nearly all of the conventions that will be hallmarks of so many power ballad videos to come, from "Wanted Dead or Alive" to "Love Song," and so many in between. Not all power ballad videos include these visual tropes (as we shall see this month), but the Crüe really do concoct so many of them right here in this video. There's a very good reason that any Vh-1 metal montage includes copious footage from "Home Sweet Home." Actually, there are ten very good reasons, as we shall see below.

Admittedly, it's not all soon-to-be cliches. The Crüe put some elements into this video that are very specific to them, and in particular, specific to Theatre of Pain. They include a humorous intro featuring Michael Berryman from The Hills Have Eyes, who also appears in the (also funny) video for "Smokin' in the Boys' Room." He approaches each band member letting them know they have a phone call, to which each responds "I'm on my way." Vince is at the beach, Mick Mars is in some kind of dungeon (which if you've read The Dirt you'll agree may well be his house), Nikki Sixx is in some kind of costume-oriented jazz bar, and Tommy Lee is throwing some kind of retro-theme party. Once this sequence ends and the video begins, however, it's video genre-defining moment after video-genre defining moment.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #1: The Tour Bus Ah, life on the road. Showing the tour bus emphasizes that the band is spending much of their time isolated and traveling around the country. They really are going to need some special ladies to help them feel more at home at the next Best Western! Speeding up the footage emphasizes the repetitiveness of touring.

Interestingly -- because they don't really travel on a bus? Because they do, and it's beyond filthy? -- we don't actually see the Crüe inside the bus, which is a surprise. Many subsequent bands will add to this cliche the cliches of footage of the lead singer leaning against the window and looking pensive and footage of various band members sleeping while wearing sunglasses.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #2: Setting Up for the Show Also shown with sped-up footage, setting up for the show is a key element, literally "setting the stage" for the video. We get to see fans entering the arena, a band-theme backdrop being hoisted, lights going up, roadies dragging stuff around, and so on. Speeding it up not only makes it go faster, it also makes all the people look like ants, possibly emphasizing the hugeness of the band.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #3: Goofing Off Backstage Aww, see girls? They're totally nice guys! Showing the band backstage emphasizes that they are normal, down-to-earth, and that rock stardom hasn't gone to their heads. They make jokes with each other, eat food, and so on.

The Crüe again don't take this one as far as other bands do -- while they are shown before the show, we don't see the usually inevitable shots of the band sitting around looking exhausted in bathrobes after, or spraying each other with beer and/or grooming products. However, since it is the Crüe, we do see Vince Neil kissing pinup posters set up backstage.

A related cliche (3A?) is the First-Person Camera -- in behind-the-scenes footage, band members will look straight at the camera, react to it, etc. In this case, Tommy Lee gestures to the camera to follow him out onto the stage.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #4: Mood Lighting What would the power ballad be without mood lighting? You need to let the audience know that you're going to slow things down a little, so it's a good time to get out the lighters (a key element of mood lighting) and start groping your date, your friend, or whomever has passed out next to you. A blue gel over a spotlight will do wonders for your lead singer! It will also help anyone who has a music video blog twenty-odd years later to identify what footage in your video is of you actually performing this song.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #5: Footage of Band Sweatin' and Rockin' As referenced above, much concert footage in power ballad videos tends to be of the band performing songs that are clearly not ballads. Sometimes we know this from an inadvertent shot of a teleprompter or clearly read lips, but mostly we know this from all of the guitar swinging, over-emotive facial expressions, jumping around, thrashing about, and sweating.

Why all the footage that's not of this song? Because remember folks, no matter how many make claims that power ballads were written solely to gain a female audience, a genre of music this invested in masculinity has not forgotten about the guys. It's a little reminder -- we may not be rockin' right at this moment, but it's just because we need a break from all that rockin' we're doing the rest of the time. Plus the contrast with the slower music makes it look like you're rocking all the harder!

Power Ballad Video Cliche #6: Women Get On the Stage Not only does this showcase the irresistibility of your lead singer, it's also a handy technique for getting women backstage. Because really, where do you think those roadies are carrying them off to? You think they're being tossed out of the arena? Um no. I mean think about it. How'd they get onstage in the first place? Those giant security guards really couldn't contain a pair of 110-pound women? Hopefully the band got security something as a thank-you gift.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #7: Band Members React to Sexy Fans Nothing says you care about your fans like editing together some footage to make it appear that band members are reacting to specific things fans do. Yes, the Crüe does it quite a bit raunchier than most bands, but they're the Crüe. In this case, footage of Nikki Sixx making a come-hither gesture is implicated in causing the lifting of a female fan's one-shoulder, snake-print top (her arms are straight up in the air, so she's not as implicated here). Oh wait, except for the fact that Vh-1 uses this particular shot in every show they do that's even tangentially related to metal, the 80s, or women, so this gal's concert flashing has been immortalized. The Crüe add an extra twist to this by following that with what appears (via the magic of editing) to be a reaction from Tommy.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #8: Wholesome Fans Sing Along It's not all flashing and lascivious tongue gestures out there in the audience. No power ballad video is complete without footage of utterly wholesome-looking female fans (think 15ish-years-old, applied eyeliner in arena bathroom just before show, mom picking up after) singing along with the song's chorus. "Home Sweet Home" establishes this as an integral shot in the power ballad video arsenal.

Power Ballad Video Cliche #9: Male Fans Scream If you're a guy, how are you going to get yourself into a power ballad video? Screaming, screaming, and more screaming. As this video proves, particularly during the most frenetic part of the guitar solo, it is important to have a shot of a male fan who appears to be engaging in some kind of deep, primal scream. You want a guy who looks like he's about to turn into the Hulk, so intensely moved is he by the intensity of the guitar solo.



Power Ballad Video Cliche #10: The Big Finale Thanks no doubt in large part to "Home Sweet Home," power ballad videos tend to be strikingly similar in their conclusions. Pyro! Particularly sparks falling from the ceiling. Shot in black and white, gosh, they almost look moody (we don't see this here since they're in color, but this is a favorite shot in Bon Jovi videos). The band members all put their arms around each other and bow -- this is always shot from behind, so we can see the gratitude of the crowd. And last, we get a reprisal of the lead singer bathed in blue light, and all the lighter action. Since in case you forgot, this is a power ballad.

If you want to see the progeny of this video, it's out there in spades. Even though power ballad videos would go on to branch out in more narrative-oriented directions, the "life on the road is so tough"-slash-"we rock so hard" power ballad video originated here really has some serious legs. Just look at "I Won't Forget You." Or "When the Children Cry." Or "Living on a Prayer." Or "Alone Again." Or fill-in-the-blank-with-your-own-favorite-power-ballad-video.

P.S.: As I noted a while ago on Twitter, for the record I wrote this post before seeing Hot Tub Time Machine. (I know, kind of obvious since it's not in theaters yet, but full disclosure: I saw a preview screening a week ago.) I write the posts several weeks ahead, so everything except this little post-script I wrote back in January. Anyway though -- the main reason I bring this up is because if you liked this post, hell, if you read this post, there's very good chance you will like this movie. Or at least, even if you aren't feeling the whole thing, there are some parts of it you will frickin' love. I promise.

Vixen, "Edge of a Broken Heart"

Truly Outrageous!


THE VIDEO Vixen, "Edge of a Broken Heart," Vixen, 1988, EMI

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I've been living on the edge of a broken heart / I don't wanna fall, I don't wanna crawl / I've been living on the edge of a broken heart / don't you wonder why, I gotta say good-by-eyyyyyyye!"

THE VERDICT Metal is a man's, man's, man's world, but every now and then we have to give some love to the ladies -- and no, I don't mean by looking at the one's who are sprawled out on Jaguars or getting chicken blood smeared all over them. Lest we forget, women can and do rock. Just listen to anything by Bitch.

However, this can be a bit easy to forget given the sexy images of women in metal bands -- take away the guitars, and they're hard to tell apart from the gals posing in the videos. Of course, as I talk about ad nauseam, the men of metal can sure look sexy. (Rather than giving a zillion million examples, just think Zakk Wylde or Phil Anselmo pre-disfiguring ZZ Top beards.) But also of course, given our culture's double standards, we don't think of male hotness as some kind of disability that impedes their ability to play the guitar -- or okay, certainly not in Zakk Wylde's case. Now admittedly, the more makeup, glitter, lace etc. you put on a male band, the more people are going to argue that they're all image, they can't play, etc. But again, we can see this as part and parcel of this double standard, right? Feminized men are not okay in metal.

Vixen were arguably the most successful all-female metal band (remember, most of the other women in metal were vocalists with male backing bands -- think Lita Ford, Doro Pesch, etc.). And arguably, they needed to get extra gussied up in order to be successful. I think though my issue with them is less with their look than with their sound. Vixen has always struck me as being a bit over-produced. This first album in particular just sounds like its all hired guns, which is too bad because if you've seen Decline II (if you haven't and you're reading this blog, what are you waiting for?!?! Click here and watch it now.), you'll see Janet Gardner and Roxy Petrucci all over that movie, and you feel like they're genuinely into it and trying really hard. I always especially like Roxy, who has this weird resemblance to Cheri Oteri, and who gets way more screen time than the average drummer.



My guess is EMI felt like they were taking a big enough risk signing a bunch of women and was like "we're signing you but here's what's happening." I don't know that this was the case with Vixen, but I do know this happens all the time with female musicians. And hell, it worked, at least a little. This song, written by Richard Marx -- if you lived through the 80s, don't even pretend you don't know who I'm talking about -- made a respectable showing on the Billboard charts (topping out at #26 on the Hot 100). Listening to it, you can figure out why -- it's not a bad song, but I mean, nothing happens in it that really grabs or surprises you. You could easily imagine hearing this in the grocery store. I much prefer "Cryin'" ...not that anyone in the band wrote that one either.

But what about the video? Well, not the most happens there either. It's mostly Vixen performing on the usual metal video set -- dark except for spotlights, with cameras swinging around them from every which way. The more interesting bits of the video are the "behind the scenes" footage, which likewise per metal video convention is shot in grainy black and white. We cut to each of these thanks to a hand wearing a white lace fingerless glove and a whole ton of bracelets, scrunchies, etc. reaching across to the bottom of the screen and 'peeling' back the set performance footage.

So what are the ladies of Vixen up to when they're offstage? Well, behind-the-scenes metal video cliches like looking pensive and sleeping while wearing sunglasses (both while on the tour bus), staying in hotels, and looking at themselves in mirrors before a concert. But they also do some sillier stuff, like messing around on playground equipment. They practice their instruments and goof around in a record store. We also get to see Vixen at the gym, wearing more or less the non-lacy versions of what they're wearing onstage (I mean Jan has a thong-over-leggings ensemble during the main performance footage). My favorite part is when they hang out with Rikki Rockett from Poison, and he's wearing this incredible custom-puffy paint Poison jean jacket with portraits of the entire band on the back. I hope he still has that. The part where they meet up with Richard Marx is less cool.



And when they're onstage, they enjoy wearing scrunchy, high-heeled boots -- Janet's are white, Roxy's are black and have elaborate spurs (they may well be the boots on the album cover). Vixen also enjoy bustiers, spandex, and belts. Combined with their ginormous hair -- Janet's is tallest, but guitarist Jan Kuehnemund appears to have just an ungodly amount of it -- and impressive waist-to-hip ratios, their appearance is strikingly reminiscent of one of the era's other all-girl groups. No, not the Bangles. Not the Go-Gos either. I'm talking about Jem and the Holograms.

Which came first? Jem started airing in 1985, and Vixen's first album didn't come out till 1988, but Vixen were around well before then. Did Hasbro know about this? Or was the cultural zeitgeist -- hairstyles growing larger and more elaborate, MTV's shift toward more rock and metal to avoid having to show hip hop, the FCC weakening the laws about marketing to kids -- such that this confluence was simply inevitable?

I guess to really know the answer, we'd need to know more about Vixen. Does some plain Jane transform into Janet Gardner via use of a weird female computer that generates holograms? Let's face it, Janet does actually have a resemblance to Jem's alter ego, Jerrica Benton. Roxy's sister Maxine did later join the band, so there is the sister angle... but did the sisters ever run a foster home for girls? And Jan -- come on, even at the time I thought she looked like one of the Misfits with that crazy raccoon streak in her hair. Oh wait, I do not mean the awesome Danzig band. I mean Jem and the Holograms' key rival. Actually she looks the most like the Misfits' fan Clash, or I suppose like Nancy Wilson with a raccoon on her head.

Anyway. Truth be told, I wasn't very into Jem as a kid, even though you'd think it'd be right up my cheesy alley. Barbie hit me before Jem even existed, and once I had a whole bunch of 11.5" tall dolls, being super anal and committed to whatever amount of realism I could get from my play, it bugged me to no end that the Jem dolls were 14" high. Based on that, Jem was pretty much dead to me, save for a sticker album I got sent once. It was exactly as this blogger describes. I think the idea was to send one free and get kids to beg their parents to buy them more so they could see the whole story. I, however, was content with any stickers I could get my hands on, and thus have in my sticker collection (housed in a Trapper Keeper exactly like this one which is still at my parents' house) a bunch of random scenes (or in some cases, half- or quarter-scenes, since they'd only send you enough stickers to make part of the picture) of Jem et al. dealing with I think a volcano.



Thus at the time I was approximately as into Jem as I slightly later was into Vixen -- basically just not feeling it. I did, however, like Barbie and the Rockers, which Mattel rushed out to compete with Jem. The size difference no longer an issue plus their being released right around my birthday, I had a bunch of these -- Barbie (who came with a four-song cassette that my brother and I listened to over and over on our Fisher-Price jambox), Dana (black-hair, giant parachute pants a la Wham!-era George Michael), and not one but two Dereks (think Ken by way of Kajagoogoo). Once those tiny pink-and-silver-striped lycra pants were off Barbie, they were damn near impossible to get back on, and her little silver leotard thing often didn't want to come all the way up either -- hence possibly why we misheard the lyric "dressing up we're totally in the groo-oove" as "totally in the nuu-uude."

Well, that was quite the digression. We are far, far afield from any discussion of Vixen, let alone metal. But really, at least half of what this blog is about for me is reminiscing about my childhood, so sometimes this happens.

But to bring it back around: If we think about it, Vixen dress more or less exactly like Night Songs-era Cinderella. Janet Gardener and Eric Brittingham have the same hair (okay, technically his is better, but it's the same style). But otherwise, lots of lacy coats, big earrings, spandex, it's the same look. Cinderella did take some crap for it, but I doubt anyone ever asked them if they were "really" playing their instruments or was like "just to be safe, let's have Richard Marx write your songs." Sigh!