Scorpions, "The Rhythm of Love"

Babes! In! Spaaaaaace!


THE VIDEO Scorpions, “The Rhythm of Love,” Savage Amusement, 1988, Polydor

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SAMPLE LYRIC “Ze rhythm of love! / [keeps me dancing on the road] / ze rhythm of love! / [got the groove that hits the bone] / ze rhythm of love / [is the game I’m looking for] / ze rhythm of love / [is the heartbeat of my soooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuullll]”

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The camera pans through a depopulated, futuristic urban landscape of oddly shaped buildings (think the Space Needle meets Blade Runner), some of which periodically shoot flames. They’re all done in dark, drab colors but lit by a reddish orange sunset (or smog-filled sky, hard to tell). A crappy looking plane (I guess it’s supposed to be a space shuttle, but from this angle it looks like a fighter plane) comes in from the bottom left and flies between the buildings toward a big mountain (or pyramid maybe) type thing in the background.

A futuristic-looking brunette (her clothes are like Paco Rabanne in the 80s) steps out to look at it, and it zooms on toward this mountain-type thing, which is basically like a mountain but covered in uhhh… covered in the stuff the Terminator is made out of. Not the liquidy silver stuff, but the like, wires and cables and robot stuff. It’s topped off by a super-skinny castle, sort of like an anorexic version of the Emerald City (and also uh, gray and not green). The plane heads straight for that as the sky turns blue-gray and lightning flashes. As the plane gets closer, random plumes of flame shoot up on different parts of the mountain.



Another future babe in a black catsuit thing walks along, lost in thought but still managing to touch herself provocatively. She walks past a window through which the orange sky is visible as she unzips her catsuit. The plane settles down to land on a little landing pad by a rectangular opening in the mountain, but we only see that for two seconds cause as Klaus Meine starts to sing, we see a random shot of a babe mussing her hair with parted lips.

The Scorpions are silhouetted and backlit as they enter the weird opening, then that lady starts sort of dancing a little bit, Tawny Kitaen-style. The Scorps are performing as per usual, but the actual stage appears to be made up of futuristic looking wires, pipes, etc (think a really crappy, like an untalented 13-year-old’s imitation of an H.R. Giger drawing).

Oh wow, they just showed two shots of women in succession that made me laugh out loud. It’s a little hard to tell what was happening cause they were severely cropped and lasted two seconds each, but in the first a woman sort of exposed her cleavage while talking on the phone, and in the second a blonde brandished a gold whip while making what was almost a parody of a sexy face.

We then see a bunch of the Scorps in succession: Klaus, Rudy (with absurdly teased hair), blonde guy I can’t remember the name of. Then we see that the dancing woman is actually sort of bobbing back and forth in front of a mirror while she continues to unzip her catsuit, followed by Matthias who is so into the music (already!) that he has his eyes closed. Then a backlit shot of a woman taking off a bra. Wow.



Oh wow. Again. Wow. As the music picks up a little, suddenly the floor in front of the Scorpions’ stage is covered in crawling, bikini-clad women. There’s a bunch more of different shots of the band members (including Herman) then—amazing—a more pulled back shot of the blonde, she actually appears to be dressed as some kind of futuristic Little Bo Peep. The thing I’d ID’d as a whip appears to be that giant hook that you use on a sheep (god knows how, but I’ve seen them a lot in cartoons). Oh wow, they keep showing her interspersed with shots of Klaus, she’s like playing with her jewelry or something but like…was this her first video or something? The faces she makes are priceless. The brunette’s hair gets blown by a fan one more time, then it’s the chorus.

The various band members nod firmly as Klaus shrieks “ze rhythm of lav!” and we see the brunette dancing around silhouetted behind an orange screen. She’s taking off a men’s shirt, showing that even in the year 3000 or whatever strippers have not gotten that much more creative. The Scorpions' onstage antics (kicking, singing into the same mic) are causing the women on the floor (who I can now see are in torn-up, what I always think of as Les Mis-style outfits) to crawl more furiously. Wow.

Okay, the woman in gold is wearing an enormous cone bra (think what Gautier made for Madonna, but in like a DD) that is covered in gold rope. It looks like she’s wearing a couple of beehives, but I guess this is what we will think is sexy in the future. The woman behind the screen finally struggled her way out of that shirt, and we get a bunch of reaction shots of women making sexy eyes at the camera (which reminds me of Zoolander). Also, I’ve just figured out that the jewelry-type thing one of the women keeps fiddling with is a large pendant shaped like a scorpion.



Okay, verse again, so now one of the women is taking a shower. Matthias (eyes still closed) smiles to himself, and Rudy—between the teased hair and the inevitable porn star mustache—I can’t even bring myself to comment. He’s doing this entire song grinning and leaning forward while standing with legs akimbo. The woman behind the screen is interacting more with the stool she’s got back there now (sorry, forgot to mention—there’s also a pole she keeps grabbing).

In the other room, that one brunette is still in front of a fan, and still engaged in sexy struggle with the zipper on that catsuit. We see more of the Scorpions, then more of the heinous blonde lady, then Klaus mimes the “don’t you close your eyes” line Dio-style, by waving his hands with fingers apart in front of his face. He actually looks like a version of Dio with more delicate features, come to think. Ooh there was a really brief shot of a woman petting a white cat in there—subtlety, always the Scorpions’ strength.

Oh wow! Jeez, they went all out for this one. Okay, there are a bunch of poorly lit boob shots leading up to the chorus, but there is one amazing shot where two of the Les Mis dancers knock their butts together in front of the bass drum. It happens for two seconds, but it is worth the two seconds it takes to rewind and pause. Anyway. Now the brunette is getting into a red sportscar for some reason, and here’s the blonde again—she’s like sitting in some sort of throne, and the thing she’s holding is actually just a bunch of rope. Sigh. She also has an incredibly foolish looking crown thing on her head.



The brunette pulls her legs into the car and touches herself some more for the second chorus. We also see another woman who is silhouetted in blue light and dancing around and playing with her hair. Flash pots have started to go off behind the Scorpions’ stage. One of the Les Mis dancers shakes her ass, and the blonde lady continues to try to make the right face. All the Scorpions continue to punctuate the song with their chins, and also by jabbing their guitars. Now larger explosions are happening on either side of the stage. All of the band members sing along.

For the guitar solo, the camera pans past the torsos of women in very 80s-style bikinis. Matthias dances around like crazy and there are lots of explosions, and for some reason they also show a lot of shots of Herman (everyone else appears to have left the stage in some of the shots). Haha, the women in front of the stage are waving their fists in the air. Oh wow, there was just quite the butt shot. They are only showing these for like not even half a second each. Now the brunette is all the way in the car, but she is sticking her legs (she’s wearing stockings and black heels) out the driver’s side window and rubbing them.



As the vocals kick in again, explosions abound, and that main brunette makes faces at the camera. Whoa, more butts! And now the blonde is sort of rubbing herself with the rope. The brunette keeps covering parts of her face with her hair. Lots of sexy reaction shots (eyes go wide, touch mouth with hand) of the women are interspersed with lots of unsexy reaction shots of the Scorpions. Oh man, now they have all the Les Mis dancers shaking their butts in a row (and the camera is showing only their butts).

There’s also a brief shot of I think the brunette wearing a minidress and walking away from the camera carrying something, it’s unclear what but she is outside. She appears to be attaching whatever it is to the bottom of the Scorpions’ plane. They won’t stop showing the blonde woman. The Scorpions walk away, and we see them in silhouette again (they put Klaus in the middle so he looks especially short).

The Scorpions then sort of evaporate (disappear anyway), and we see their plane lift off. Oh, but that lady’s bomb drops off of their plane -- sorry, forgot to mention that on second viewing, realized she was attaching a bomb to the bottom of their spacecraft in the previous shot. So as the song winds down with the quiet singing part, the ladies’ mountain palace explodes. It’s weird because this whole video had been looking mostly like crappy computer animation, but in this scene it looks like they are blowing up a model. Actually in this scene the whole cityscape looks much less ornate, so maybe they are blowing up a model. The Scorpions definitely very computer-generated plane then flies away as the future babes’ mountain palace burns.

THE VERDICT So I actually wrote the description of this video literally more than a year ago -- in July 2006. That’s crazy. I thought doing what I do now I would have way more time to blog, but apparently being chained to a desk in an office is way better for that kind of productivity than basically having all the time on earth to do whatever the hell you want.

Never the less, this thing has been going on too long for me to give up now, so I’m back. I’m working on fixing up the way this thing looks -- I’m still not so hot with the CSS, but I’m working on it. Or I will be anyway. I still heart the metal, and no matter how many times I move away from it, I always find my way back -- let’s face it, I listen to a lot of different stuff, but this is the only music I consistently like. I never don’t feel like listening to it. Even filthy, filthy tracks like this one.

So, in spite of how exhaustive my description is, I left myself (a year ago) no notes as to the verdict! Well no, actually -- I left a couple. They are these: “Okay uhh, someone watched Heavy Metal a few too many times.” And “One of the most awesome Jonny Quest episodes is where Race kills a scorpion with a whip.” In trying to label this video -- as much as I hate on Blogger, I love the labeling feature -- I realized there is like, nothing that isn’t in this video.

I mean jeez, they’re in friggin’ space, and then all the sudden the brunette is feeling herself up in a car. A car! Not a like, hovercar or anything, just a car. Why is the sports car in space? There are explosions, spaceships, women in every sort of costume, fire, the friggin’ car… I mean really. The Scorpions gave it all they had on this one. Like every Scorpions song, if you only listen to the parts you can understand (basically, “ze rhythm of love!” screamed over and over again), you think it’s kind of romantic (or something), but if you actually look up the less intelligible lyrics, you realize that, like every Scorpions song, it’s hella dirty (“an exploding shot of pleasure / is what I’ve got for you”). Ewwww! I just don’t want to find that beat I’m apparently looking for with Klaus Meine, sorry but true.

P.S.: Like Pigs! In! Spaaaaace!

Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Cage Match!

THE VIDEO Scorpions, "Rock You Like a Hurricane," Love at First Sting 1984, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "More days to come / new places to go / I've got to leave / it's time for ah shoooooooow / Here I am / Rock you like a hurricane / amamamamamamammamamamamah!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Okay, this one starts off by throwing a lot of information our way very rapidly, so bear with me and we'll try to get through it, since it's mostly pretty badass stuff. We've got heavily made-up babes shaking a cage, another one kind of slapping her hand down, drums being struck, more cage rattling, more babes, more cage, more babes, a jaguar or a leopard, one of the babes swiping at her face and creating instant new wave makeup, cage rattling, a jaguar and a panther, the band playing, the jaguar (I think it's a jaguar anyway) walking with its leash visible, drummer Herman Rarebell, a bunch of folks I'd describe as cheesy Hanna Barbera villains (they look like crappy frog people wearing nuns' habits stolen from the one of HB's truly pathetic space cartoons, say Pussycats in Outer Space or Yogi's Space Race) standing over a glowing cauldron then running away from a flash of light, Matthias Jabs rocking out, more cage rattling, more band, more panther, more face scratching, still more cage rattling, Rudolf Schenker makes a scary face, more babes walk toward the camera, cage, babes, panther roars, babe slaps something again, people try to reach their hands through the cage and ...Phew! We've finally made it up to where the song actually starts (about 40 seconds in, but who's counting).

So we know we're in some kind of alien world where big cats and women in kabuki/Adam Ant style makeup and wigs (they're definitely supposed to be hot, but they always make me think of that other Teutonic terror Nina Hagen) run wild and the Scorpions are forced to play in cages. Also, there's that trio of weird baddies, a frequently occurring motif in heavy metal videos (Think the hooded weirdos in "Rock of Ages" or the cat-eyed robed people in "Holy Diver." Is this an allusion to the witches in Shakespeare's Hamlet? Or just something someone did once in the early 80s, and then everyone else decided it was supercool?).

Anyway, we get a better sense of where we are as the song starts. We see a reddish-purple cave dripping with stalactites and lit both from torches and a greenish glowing fog on the floor. There are a bunch of big tubes (I know I describe everything this way, but for real, they do look like a human size Habitrail) splayed out also. Round lights in the middle of the tubes start pulsing, and as Klaus Meine begins singing, his tube raises straight up (did I mention also the tubes have blue neon floors, not unlike that of a tanning bed). We start cutting back and forth between Klaus and performance footage of the Scorps as a bewigged lady who is also wearing a cat mask that appears to be made of foil lets him out of his pod. She puts her hands on his shoulders and he kind of shrugs her off, then we're with the badly costumed nuns/witches/whatevers. They're shaking their fingers over their big cauldron, and we can kind of see that their faces are just like plain black masks but their eyes are like giant bug eyes made of vertical strips of mirrored material.

Klaus walks by them through a forest of spiky "trees" made from wrapping paper tubes spray-painted silver (I'm so certain about this because I could swear that when I was in second grade a teacher tried to buy these for the set of our play "The Jabberwocky" from a PBS auction). He walks by the dudes with the cauldron, which makes the cauldron light up and they run away, as do some more of them who I guess were in the background before but I couldn't see them.



As the first chorus kicks up, we finally really see the Scorpions performing the song in a giant cage. As per all other videos involving giant cages, the cage has no top or bottom and is actually more like a fence of large panels (they look like the doors of jail cells) that are somehow tied together so that the whole thing moves as if jointed. Klaus runs along the front and high-fives a bunch of hands that are sticking through, then runs by what appears to be a person strung up by their feet hanging in the middle of the cage (wha...?).

They all rock out while a first row of oddly made up ladies (they all have giant black wigs on with white faces except for a wide stripe of red that goes through their eyes) rock the cage and a second row, further back, wave their arms around. Okay, now I see how the Scorpions got into the cage -- there is a door at the back behind the drummer, lit in bright blue. So even though these ladies imprisoned the Scorpions in those pods, once they got out of those pods, they appeared to be the entertainment for those ladies in some kind of larger prison (since now the Scorps appear to be in charge -- I mean, these future alien babes or whatever they are can't get at them through the bars).

The whole second verse we're still with the Scorps rocking out in the cage. Matthias makes a weird face, the women stick their hands into the cage, and it's edited together so that someone's always doing something dramatic (like swinging a guitar) on the beat. Same for the second chorus -- it's basically the same stuff, although Klaus is now making a point of like, running up to the cage to taunt the women so they'll all stick their hands through, then running away. And in fact, as Matthias gears up for and goes into the guitar solo, he goes ahead and backs up all the way against the cage so that they are able to grab him (and get him in sort of a headlock) as he imperviously rages on, dishing up a heaping helping of guitar face.

As Klaus reprises the opening, we see a bunch of the women walk through a foggy hall lit by torches (but somehow, the light in there is still very blue). We can now for the first time get a really good look at how long their hair is (butt-length, but impossible thick all the way to the ends) and how scantily they're clad (also very; red tube tops and loin cloths plus some random strips of fabric). We randomly see a very sick or dead looking man's face all tied up with something (possibly the dude we saw hanging upside down in that one shot earlier?). The girls head back into the room with the pods, and as Klaus starts singing, "the night is coming / I have to gooo" for the second time, one of the ladies shaking the cage bars finally (and somewhat explosively) breaking through them as the band rocks out. All she does once in the cage though is kind of wave her arms around, since for some reason it's suddenly pretty windy in there.



Now the band also runs down the foggy hallway (my favorite part of this is when Matthias gently tosses his guitar to someone standing mm, my guess would be like two feet off screen), but yeah, they all do this like slow jog. A pod closes first on Francis Buchholz then on one of the ladies (I've always found this kind of discomforting as it snaps shut on her hair), then on another lady, then on Matthias, then another lady, then on probably Rudolf, then another lady (I could have sworn there were only five pods before, but whatever), then on Herman, then another lady. Last we see Klaus, in his pod (which is still standing up) saying, "Here I am" with other ladies sexily arrayed among the other pods.

THE VERDICT Explicating the many mysteries of this video was one of my inspirations in beginning this site, so I will do my best now that I finally have it. It combines two video genres I love: Trapped in pods (a la Def Leppard's "Foolin'" and of course most infamously, Spinal Tap) and trapped in a cage (see everything from Mötley Crüe's "Looks That Kill" to Nine Inch Nails' "Wish" to most Megadeth videos). Of course in this case, as in many other videos involving cages, the Scorps don't seem to mind being held in said cage, it is, after all, protecting them from the swarms of alien babes (and the panther) outside. It then definitely falls into what I have elsewhere here referred to as the preadolescent stage of heavy metal videos, with women as sexy yet scary captors/captives. You just don't get the feeling anyone's up to anything frisky in those pods, you know?

That said, this is obviously one of my personal faves and a total classic, even if I'm not sure who's imprisoning whom or what it's really about or where the convention of having random robed people who only show up at the beginning of your video and serve no real purpose comes from. It still totally rocks out -- it's the kind of song you like would hear when you'd been driving for hours and then feel totally revived after you heard it. And of course I have to say that it also has for me in recent years the great tie-in with my favorite episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force entitled "The Last One," in which all of the villains from all of the previous episodes get together to try to defeat the Aqua Teens. Ignignokt leads the meeting and when he calls roll he says something like, "If you are present, you shall say 'Here,' and it will stand for, 'Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.'" Then of course all the villains start saying it, which I find hilarious. Someday I will so make a t-shirt that says "Here I Am" on the front and "Rock You Like a Hurricane" on the back. That would be so totally badass.

Okay so I obviously like the song, but what about the video? Well, even though as I've alluded above I find it has enormous similarities to many, many other videos of the era, I still really like this video. What makes it so memorable? I think it has to do with the charisma of the Scorpions themselves. I mean, editing the thing together so that something cool's always happening every time the drums are hit helps, but it's really their enthusiastic showmanship that sells this video. Even when you can't see them that well, the band members are constantly moving around and rocking it out, and no matter who's being shown during the chorus, they're yelling, "Rock You Like a Hurricane." They have an enthusiasm not unlike that of Poison, who we all know I find to be particularly affable gents. And even though my bf always argues that "wanting everyone to be 'nice guys'" isn't a particularly helpful way to create one's taste, I say whatever. I'm a sucker for nice guys (and for Nikki Sixx).

Queensryche, "Queen of the Reich"

Team Queensryche World Police

THE VIDEO Queensryche, "Queen of the Reich," Queensryche, 1983, EMI America

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SAMPLE LYRIC "There is no escayyy-ape / it's the ending of your / precious li-iiife / your soul slipped awayyy-ay / it belongs / to the Queen of the Reiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Prepare yourself for a little story from the "Tales of Queensryche" -- in fact, the Queensryche creation myth of sorts. This video starts off with a Star Wars style intro that I could skip over -- but I could also quote the entire thing, leaving all of their weird line breaks and capitalizations intact! The only change I've made is that well, the writing on the screen is in red with a black shadow, and unlike Star Wars, it's all for whatever reason (lack of actual computer technology?) left-aligned.

"In The Millenium After / The 4th Great War / The World Was In / Chaos. / An Evil Adventurer / Had Discovered An / Ancient Computer / Energized By A Crystal / So Powerful That It / Enabled Her to Enslave / The World And To / Become Queen... / "Queen Of The Reich." / Many Tried To Destroy / The Queen And Failed / Only To Be / Absorbed / Into Her Computer / Shrine. / Mankind's Last Hope / Was The Five Freedom / Fighters..."

While this is going on there's of course, mad guitars and a lot of stuff moving around behind a heavy fog. The first real thing we see is the band, spinning around on some kind of rock pyre while Geoff Tate screams, and then Geoff Tate's scream becomes the Queen's scream, as she clutches he big computer head. Who is the Queen of the Reich? (Other than an evil adventurer). Well, as best as I can tell, she's a leggy brunette who favors red lipstick and a giant metal half-helmet with a Cyclops-style single eye slit. She finishes off her look with a low-cut, midriff-baring silver bustier with linebacker-style silver shoulder pads.

She's watching various enslaved peoples on her ancient computer shrine (which appears to have a giant flat screen!) when she spots the Queensrychers, whom she asks the computer to identify (which it does, nothing their full names and instruments played, using that amazing super 80s computer font in green). Let it be noted also that the rest of the computer, which is probably supposed to look like it's made of crystals but was probably actually made from someone's old Habitrail, appears to be a bong. Or perhaps a superbong made from many, many other bongs.

Anyway, as Queensryche whoop it up on a very misty soundstage, the computer "runs identification" on them. She's like "uh-uh," and while they're walking around in a misty, spiky sort of future forest, she sends some equally spiky-looking robot monster things after them. They fight by sort of falling on each other, and then the monsters drag everyone but Geoff down into a hole of some sort, and he's all like, "nooooo!"

The monsters bring them down to the Queen, who's been flipping channels on her super computer between what's going on and the band performing the song. She takes a look at all of them and her Cyclops thingy just lights right up. She's got again, what looks like a bong in her hand, and as she waves it at each band member, they either turn into aluminum foil or, more likely, turn into being covered with foil (it's hard to tell what exactly happens, but suffice it to say foil is definitely involved). The whole time this is going on, Queensryche's really rocking out back on the soundstage.



The dual guitar solos wake Geoff Tate up, and he's all "dude, what happened?" but then he gets it together and gets up. He manages to successfully open a door in a chain-link fence, then he's in this spooky hallway. He runs and hides just as the (inevitable) monsters that look like obese worms (what, was this a cheap costume to rent or make or something? This monster is in like every video) are bringing a (also inevitable) comely female prisoner down the hall. He kicks and zaps the monsters, then kneels to help the scantily clad damsel. But the Queen is watching, and as he and the girl make their way between the papier-mâché walls, she is suddenly turned into a sort of robot monster thing. Oh no!

The two start to tangle, and next thing you know they're in the Queen's throne room (or at least her computer nook). She zaps him with a laser, but then he uses some foil to reflect her laser and zap her back (the oldest trick in the book! See "The Mystery of the Lizard Men"). Geoff quickly runs over and like, touches all the bongs (he doesn't really do anything to them, the effect is more like he's playing Simon), allowing all of his bandmates to be released from their foil-covered fate. The Queen apparently frozen, they all high-five each other.

Oh, but is she frozen? They walk back, and she's like, moving her fingers around and stuff, so Geoff decides to remove her robo-helmet. What's under it? We'll never know (because we don't see it), but it gives off a blinding light and a strong wind (or possibly a strong scent, based on some of their faces!). The video tells us it's "To be continued..." then we see a shot of the band members backlit and that "Tales of Queensryche" logo again.

THE VERDICT Well. If you were expecting "Silent Lucidity" or "Jet City Woman," this one's kind of a surprise. Who knew Queensryche were so, well, cheesy? The name was always a hint, and this video finally explains what it was hinting at. Which is why I love it. I mean, the fact that there is a Queen of the Reich is pretty amazing, as is the whole in the future but found an ancient computer thing. And are their really more Tales of Queensryche? I have to plead ignorance on this one -- while I'm sure there are like, a bajillion videos between this one and Operation Mindcrime, I've never seen them. (On a side note, I wonder if Angelina Jolie would be willing to play the Queen if this got a big-budget remake. On another side note, how bummed was I that the Queensryche "playing Operation Mindcrime in its entirety" show totally did not come anywhere near me? SO bummed.)

In an effort to speak more coherently about why I like this video: It brings together so, so many of the tropes seen in early 80s metal videos. First, hot woman as enslaver. Like the women in "Rock You Like a Hurricane," "Into the Fire," and "Looks That Kill," the Queen might be hot, but she's basically looking to tie them up (and not that kind of "tie them up"). Even the damsel in distress who shows up toward the end winds up being a threat. As I've mentioned with other videos, this is really common during what I consider to be metal's 'preadolescent' years.

Second, there's the idea of the whole band (not just the lead singer, although everyone but Tate does manage to get covered in foil pretty early on) as actors and as driving the plot of the video. The sort of unspoken idea here is that the guys have gotta stick together to throw off possible enslavement by robobabes.

Third, of course there's the sci-fi dystopian future run by robots/computers (an obvious concern in the early 80s) -- and this is the coolest one this side of "The Last in Line." And lastly, you've got to love the "special effects," from the turning into foil to the lasers. I'm obsessed. Not since Ed Wood have people tried so hard using so little.