Stryper, "Honestly"

My Imaginary First Dance Song  

THE VIDEO Stryper, "Honestly," To Hell With the Devil, 1986, Hollywood 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Calllllll on meee, and I'll be there for you-oooooooh-oooh / I'm a friend who allllllll-ways will be tru-ooooooooh-ooooh / And I love you can't you see-eeeeeeee / that I can say I luh-uh-uh-uh-uuuuuuuuve youuuuuuuuuu hon-on-est-lee-eeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee" 

THE VERDICT Okay, here's video #2 in my wedding theme month. How the heck is Stryper relevant, given that my fiance and I aren't religious at all? Well, given that I'm a bit slow on the uptake on this kind of stuff, for a really long time I just thought this would be a really nice like, wedding first dance song. 

I mean, it's a bit sappy incredibly sappy, and it's all the kind of promises you'd want to make, and really everything you'd want in a life partner, right? Okay, except that it's not being narrated from the point of view of like, a husband or wife or whatever. This song is actually a God's eye point of view. 

And I don't mean like, an omniscient narrator kind of thing. I mean literally, this song is like, the Lord or Jesus or whomever telling people He is always going to be there for them, a friend who'll always be true, etc. If you're a believer, it's a reassuring message, for sure. And if you wanted to use this as a message to your spouse, as I would, it's got a lovely message. 

Even if I think I'm the only person I know who can get through this song without complaining of torture. What can I say, I guess I have a cheesy streak. Okay, I have a cheesy streak like the size of Wisconsin. In any event, we aren't having a legit reception or anything like that, so we'll just have to talk about this video here. 

The video sort of takes us through the whole process of the song, from start to finish. We begin really at the beginning, with Michael Sweet composing the song at the piano. Why these parts are in black and white, I'm not sure. Like, it's a reenactment? The "oh no, look how hard this is!" part of an infomercial?

 

Then we move on to the band practicing the song together. Are they practicing in a garage? Or is this the usual metal video cliche of the empty warehouse, because this is a really big garage. They also seem to have some yellow and black-painted risers in there. Maybe it's like an airplane hangar, where all their stuff is waiting to be shipped off for their tour? Hmm, I'm not thinking the acoustics are probably that good in there. 

You know I have to say, in their way, Stryper have great style, with all the skinny jeans and hats and sweatpants. Robert Sweet just about has better Farrah Fawcett hair than Farrah herself did, it's perfect! You look at how they're dressed in this video, and aside from the big-shouldered jackets, it's all stuff that would totally play now. 

Okay, re-focusing. Probably the most notable aspect of this video is the 'behind the scenes' footage of them getting ready to leave for their tour. This is one of the only metal videos (if not the only one) that includes wives and babies in real time, as part of the video, not as just like, maybe one photo in the midst of a huge photo montage. 

They also show them kissing their wives/girlfriends a lot, which is really unusual in metal videos. They usually want to make the band members seem available to any ladies who might be watching. The exception to this is women in videos who the band members are really dating — viz. all the open-mouthed Tawny Kitaen-David Coverdale action in Whitesnake videos. 

This kissing is not like that, trust. I like too that these bits show Stryper to have a sense of humor. We get some jokey footage of them — Rob tosses an umbrella in a suitcase, Oz Fox just sticks an entire dresser drawer into his luggage. Then a white limo picks them all up and they go to the airport, showing us their passports. We even follow them into the plane — and not like, their own personal plane either (or like the helicopter they have in "Always There For You"). Stryper is flying coach!

 

So Stryper have gone to London, where they're on the marquee of the Hammersmith Odeon. Instead of the usual footage of them like, pensively staring out the windows of their tour bus or sitting around exhausted in hotels, Stryper actually take advantage of their traveling. The boys go out and sightsee a bit, hitting the usual tourist spots — Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace. I especially love when they walk by a poster for their concert, and it's right next to a gigantic Thompson Twins poster.

We also get to peek backstage, and this backstage footage is likewise not your usual backstage footage. There's nary a groupie in sight, and no one sprays anyone with beer. Instead, they've got out their Bibles, and they do a prayer circle. 

Moving forward in the sort of life cycle of the song, we then see them practicing on their stage set in their regular clothes. Then at the end Stryper are actually live in their full black and yellow regalia on the set, though at the last minute we're back with Michael and his piano. Hmm, that was pretty straightforward. 

Okay, strap yourselves in for a huge tangent (see, at least this week I saved it for the end!). Growing up, there was this hole-in-the-wall mom and pop shop a little ways from my house that was called the Corner Store. It was abundantly not on a corner, so who knows. But it was basically like a convenience store minus the gas station. It was very small, and sold like candy, and Wonder Bread, and stuff like that. 

It had a couple of arcade games on the back wall, and it had an incredibly distinct smell — I can't describe it, but if I smelled it anywhere else I would identify it as this. Sort of a mix of loose change, soft serve ice cream, and comic books (which they also sold, on a rack near the counter). 

I think I remember buying Garbage Pail Kids cards there too, but I might be conflating that with a memory of walking home with my parents from either the annual town Tag Sale or the annual town carnival and finding a long trail of Garbage Pail Kids cards along the side of the road and picking them all up. (In other news: Do I still have all those Garbage Pail Kids cards? Hellllll yeah I do!)

 

Anyway: Why this long digression? Okay, 'cause in addition to the aforementioned annual events my town held, there's also an annual Memorial Day Parade which is very like, small town America-y. All the local fire trucks drive down the street, and like, the oldest veterans and the selectmen ride through town in convertibles, and so on and so forth. People throw penny candy from the backs of flatbed trucks, and you run into the street and pick it up. (Well they used to, they aren't allowed to do that anymore because safety or whatever. Lame.)

Okay, I swear I'm getting to the connection soon! So one year, I marched in the Memorial Day Parade as a Girl Scout. I was a Brownie, so this would've been 1987 or 1988. And it was unbelievably hot that year, just scorching. But I made it through the whole parade, sweating under my stupid little felt Brownie beanie. 

When I'd walked the whole parade route, my mom met me (probably at the local high school), and we walked home. On the way though, we stopped at the Corner Store, 'cause she wanted to buy me a soft-serve ice cream cone for being good and all and sweating it out in the parade. 

So while the old man behind the counter (and it was literally just one old man who worked there, always) was getting my ice cream, I remember looking up at the wall behind the counter, where there were posters for sale, the kind you can win at carnivals, you know, where they're sort of mounted on cardboard and in these gold plastic frames. And right smack-dab in the middle above the counter was this big ol' Stryper poster, of them in all their black and yellow regalia. 

Now, today I would be like foaming at the mouth to get that poster, but at the time my little seven- or eight-year-old self was like, "Who the heck is gonna buy that poster?" Okay, that was an incredibly long and not especially relevant digression. 

But that is part of why I write this blog — so many parts of my life are somehow wrapped up in metal, and the littlest things, like seeing Stryper in all their yellow and black concert gear, can conjure up all these memories. I mean shoot, I can't remember the last time I thought about the Corner Store. That place closed in like 1989 or 1990, I think it's a realtor's office now. 

I could go on and on about this stuff. Also, I do.

P.S.: Did you know that unlike metal bands who jokingly claim their names are acronyms (Satan Laughs As You Eternally Rot) or who others claim are acronyms (Kids/Knights In Satan's Service), Stryper actually is an acronym? "Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement, and Righteousness." And also yielding lots of striped clothing!

  

Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized"

I'M NOT CRAZY  

THE VIDEO Suicidal Tendencies, "Institutionalized," Suicidal Tendencies, 1983, Frontier 

SAMPLE LYRIC "I'm not crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You're the one that's crazy! / [Institutionalized!] / You're driving me crazy! / [Institutionalized!]" 

THE VERDICT Suicidal Tendencies is one of those bands I was really on the fence about, not about whether they're a quality band (they are) but are they technically metal. In the end, I decided they're metal enough because a) there was a Headbangers Ball episode where Riki Rachtman had a barbecue with them (and if I remember correctly, inexplicably a pre-fame Mark McGrath was there — God bless the person who put this on Youtube, btw); b) they play the heck out of this video on Metal Mania; and c) Rob Trujillo is in Metallica now (even if he wasn't in ST yet when they did this one). Actually with their short hair and love of money, how metal Metallica are is something else we could debate. But we'll save it for later. 

I hadn't listened to this song in a while, and then it happened to come up while I was just shuffling all my music, and damn if it didn't fit with how I'm feeling right about now. I'm getting married in less than a month, and if you've never done it, I wouldn't advise it. Dude, it is a freakin' nightmare. Think the wedding is about you and your intended? It's not. It's about everyone else and their BS demands. And then there's school, which is a whole other thing, but a bit of the same story lately. All I do is play everybody's reindeer games, and still somehow I'm the one with the problem.

 

So something about Mike Muir and all the sort of "I've done everything you've ever asked me and yet you say I'm the one who's crazy" stuff in this song really resonated with me. I actually used to listen to this song a lot when I lived in New York. I had a lot of issues with my job, and I had a whole playlist I would listen to in the subway on my way to work to like, prepare myself mentally for dealing with my workday. 

I don't remember all of it, but it definitely had "Institutionalized," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and "Peace Sells (But Who's Buying)". (I know, based on the title that last one sounds random, but think about the verses — "What do you mean I can't get to work on time? / Got nothin' better to do" etc.) Anyway it worked for me. By the time I got to work I had musically sublimated my full-tilt pissed-off-ness. Okay I'm making myself sound crazy now (you're the one that's crazy!). 

Calm yourselves, I was just quoting this song. Suicidal Tendencies are just a really cool LA band. I want to say I love their look, but we need to be realistic, this isn't a look for them, this is how they're dressing. But to the extent this video got airplay, I feel like this is probably the first exposure the rest of the country got to the Venice/LA-version of cholo style. I mean this video's got it all, from the bandannas to the plaid shirts to the skateboarders — you can watch it and see where all the junk you see for sale at PacSun and those kinds of stores got ripped off from. 

I mean seriously people. It's 1983. This is probably the earliest video there is that features a lowrider. We're almost ten years before "Nuthin' But a G Thang" (1992, for the record). The only other thing from the same era I've seen with a similar look to this is the first (I know, for once not talking about Part II) Decline of Western Civilization movie. Which is, obvs, about LA punk circa this time period. 

 

I've actually been having a correspondence with one of this site's most regular readers (thanks for reading!) about songs that infantilize metal fans — e.g. songs that talk about "kids", prompted by my "Crazy Babies" post but also loosely encompassing "Rock N Roll Children," "I Wanna Rock," and a whole host of others. This one does fit in with that somewhat, as the narrative mainly covers altercations with one's parents. That said though, I have to give it a pass, 'cause it's just too good a song. I don't even drink soda, and yet I feel like I want my epitaph to be "All I wanted was a Pepsi!" 

Okay okay okay, but what happens in the video. Well, a couple different things. The video starts off with Mike pretty much just talking to the camera and walking around while the rest of the band plays, and kids do skateboard tricks in a sort of abandoned warehouse. (Admittedly, this one looks way more like an actual abandoned warehouse than most ones in music videos do.) Also of note: Slayer's Tom Araya is in the video for two seconds — he shoves Mike as he walks past him. 

For most people though, the most memorable sequences of the video are those that take place at Mike's "home." The rest of the band (at this point in history, Grant Estes, Louiche Mayorga, and Amery Smith) drops Mike off, and he heads inside to avoid his crazy parents, who at first are out on the lawn but soon come in to harass him (and begin converting his bedroom into a padded cell). 

His dad is played by Jack Nance (known best for being in all things David Lynch), though I think he looks a little like an older Brian Doyle Murray, aka Noah from Noah's Arcade. His mom is played by Mary Woronov, who fascinatingly was part of the whole Andy Warhol Factory scene.

 

That said, I don't feel this part that much. Any sequence with parents ripping posters off walls always stresses me out — dude I would like those posters please! Damn. 

In any event, after being completely subdued by his parents, somehow or another Mike is suddenly out of his straitjacket. The rest of the band ties their lowrider to the bars on his windows and yanks the wall straight off the house, allowing him to escape and finish playing the song in concert with them. 

The concert sequences are also straight outta Decline Part I, albeit with the addition of a teacher, a priest, and some kind of creepy army officer. You know, the usual for metal videos that are complaining about school. 

Okay, now that for one week at least I've done a legit post focusing on the video, it's time for the tangents. One, how can we forget that Suicidal Tendencies have a cameo doing this song on Miami Vice! I mean yes, not in the best episode ever (it's in "Free Verse"), but still. They would have fit in more in "Nobody Lives Forever," I think. 

In a similar-ish vein, let us not forget that this song is also in Repo Man. I know, it's punk, not metal, but you can not deny Repo Man. 

And of course, if you read this regularly, you can guess that I think Beavis and Butt-head's viewing of this clip is amazing. I love Beavis' constant agreement with Mike's narrative. Butt-head just yells "Shut up!", but Beavis goes right along, sometimes following the song and sometimes improvising -- "and I get all frustrated, and start kicking, and like burning things." 

I also enjoy that Butt-head then mimics the kind of therapy-speak parodied in the song — he tells Beavis, "I feel your pain." Butt-head finally gets Beavis to clam up by saying "About once a year they play something cool, and you have to talk through it." Then they both headbang through the end of the song. 

Now if I can somehow just headbang through the rest of the summer....

 

Def Leppard, "Me and My Wine"

Would You Like Some Cheese With That?  

THE VIDEO Def Leppard, "Me and My Wine," Bringin' on the Heartbreak (single), 1981, Mercury

  

SAMPLE LYRIC "Me and the boys have been drinking / feelin' like this is the wrong time for thinking / all I can say is I'm doing fine / with just me and my wiiiiine" 

THE VERDICT This very early Def Leppard video presents something of a mystery: Why on earth was a video made for a song that was a B-side for a single? (Particularly given that the contemporaneous video for its A-side, "Bringin' on the Heartbreak," is just a video of a live performance.) Why was it made late enough (1982 at least) to feature Phil Collen instead of Pete Willis, despite Pete playing on the track? And whose house is this, anyway? 

Okay, so we're never going to know, though I will point out that this video is part of a great British tradition of making cheap videos at home, from the metal (Mama's Boys' version of "Mama Weer All Crazee Now", par exemplar) to the totally not-metal (Madness' "Our House", e.g.). It's funny, I feel like I should be talking about this video in British English and saying "estates" and such, but then I would totally not know what I was talking about, so it wouldn't work. But I just want to put it out there. 

Anyway. What's going on in this video? Well, we've got this sort of first-person camera going through this house, eventually into the bedroom, where it lands on lead singer Joe Elliott. Joe is sleeping in a sleeveless tee and suspenders, or he's trying to, anyway — he's holding the pillow over his head, and all the lights are on and stuff. 

His alarm goes off, and he smashes the clock with the mallet he apparently keeps on the ground next to his bed. O-kayyy. This makes the super-cute stuffed animal he has next to the clock fall over (my favorite part of the video for whatever reason), as well as toppling a statue of the Virgin Mary. 

Though attempting to appear hungover, I have to say, the older the Def Leppard video, the better Joe looks to me. He looks super fit in this video, both in the British English sense and the American English sense. 

The house, however, is less so — it's a total mess! We see a can of shaving cream shooting lather everywhere, and lots of of issues of Playboy are stashed about. (Oh gosh, now I am kind of veering into that Madonna-British territory — like where you're so not English, but you start talking with a clipped tone and saying things like "stashed about.")

Joe matches this with his grouchiness — about the first third of the video is just him yelling at the camera. Anyway, once Joe is up and around, he heads into the hallway where Rick Allen is banging a snare drum. Joe takes away his drumsticks, throwing them into the air. I should note that not only does Rick have both arms in this vid (obviously), he also looks realllly young — you definitely are reminded of the whole "he joined the band when he was 15" thing.

 

Then Joe goes into the bathroom, where Phil Collen is playing guitar in the tub — no water, he's fully dressed. He also has weirdly long hair for him. I often think he looks kind of like Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but especially so here. 

Anyway, Joe washes his face, and we can see Steve Clark and Rick Savage in the background through some windows (windows from the bathroom to the hallway? Or are they levitating outdoors? I'm not sure). Joe throws his towel over camera and heads downstairs. On the stairs Joe somehow bumps into Phil, who has materialized from the shower to the stairwell. Oh, I should also mention that Joe is now brushing his teeth, though it looks like he forgot the toothpaste. He then pushes Rick S. and Steve out of the way as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. 

Joe heads into the kitchen, which is a disaster, the messiest room yet. Though it's cleaner than this, one can't help but be reminded of the infamous "breakfast with Ozzy" scene in The Decline of Western Civilization, Part II (or maybe it's just that it's been a while since I've mentioned that one, and if you read this regularly you know I mention it all the time). 

For someone who's ostensibly hungover, Joe keeps moving aside the blinds and looking into the glaring sunlight — no offense, but based on my experiences abroad, this video appears to have been shot on the sunniest day in England's history! After spitting out whatever he was drinking — when he poured it it appeared to be tea or coffee or something, but when he spat it out it looked to be just water — Joe leaps into the living room, where the rest of the guys are already playing. 

Okay, it's not just Rick, everyone looks so young. Rick Allen is wearing what would undoubtedly today be a quite valuable ZZ Top baseball tee, while Rick Savage has on an artfully-cut white tee and sunglasses. Steve Clark looks super young, and his hair kind of looks like a dead animal (and I say this with love, 'cause Steve was always my favorite). 

Another fascinating part of this video -- Rick's bass drum says "Deaf Leopard." Wow, seeing it spelled like that makes it look like kind of the worst band name ever. Not as bad as all those band names you see these days that are like crappy hipster sentences (you know who you are), but still, not a good band name. 

 

Next thing you know, we're back in the bathroom. Rick is drumming on the toilet. No, not like, hitting the toilet with drumsticks. I mean he is sitting on the toilet while drumming. Steve and Phil are both playing guitar in the tub/shower, which is a bit steamy. Oh wait, I mean literally, there is fog in the air. Not like, they are taking a sexy shower together. Rick S. is sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning against the tub. Phil keeps messing with everyone, trying to play Steve's guitar and put his foot on Rick's shoulder. 

Suddenly, Joe's back in bed, and the rest of the boys are back in the living room. Wait, now Joe's there as well. What's going on? Is Joe dreaming all this? Or has this just been edited with little regard for continuity? 

And how have I forgotten to mention 'til now that when they're in the living room, everyone else has real instruments, but Joe is singing into the handle of an upright vacuum cleaner? (See, shouldn't I be calling it a hoover or something?) Now Joe's back in bed and pulling the sheets over his head. And now he's dunking his head in a sinkful of water! Dang, this song should've been called "Me and My Whine." No, just kidding Joe. 

The video ends with a zoom away from a face-making Joe to show the whole band standing in front of the house. Dang, this is a weird video. Apparently it was very popular though during MTV's infancy, when they not only still played videos, they were grateful to have videos to play. 

Thanks to native Sheffielder Andy for requesting this one, and for pointing out that no matter what folks say, this clip is not an homage to The Young Ones, it's just an awesomely low-budget metal video!

Anthrax, "Black Lodge"

Ready for Their Close-Up  

THE VIDEO Anthrax, "Black Lodge," The Sound of White Noise, 1993, Elektra 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Giii-iiiive me, the one thing you can't giiii-iiiiive / take me to, the black lodge where you liii-iiiiii-iiiiiive" 

THE VERDICT I know. Delving into John Bush-era Anthrax already? But this song popped into my head recently and um, lodged itself there, if you'll pardon my pun, so I felt compelled to write about it. 

Let me start by saying dudes, I have no idea WTF this video is about. It's Anthrax though, and in an Iron Maiden-esque fashion, they tend to write songs about popular culture things they like (the Judge Dredd comics, Stephen King's The Stand). 

Turns out "Black Lodge" is no exception — it references a plot element in cult favorite Twin Peaks, which would've still been really recent when they were writing the material for this album. They even got the guy who scored Twin Peaks to work with them on the song — good one, Anthrax. 

So what's the Black Lodge? Without giving too much away or taking an intensely lengthy (and likely to be contentious, given fans' fervor for this show) digression into Twin Peaks, it's sort of... well... I probably can't really explain it without giving stuff away. (Also suffice to say if this is an issue, don't click on any of the above links! But if you're familiar with Twin Peaks, you'll get the references I make later on.) 

Is this what we see in the video? Mm, not really, though I guess there are some parallels between some of the shots in the latter part of the video and what you'd see in Twin Peaks. I don't see a lot of overt connections though. Let me give you my take on what's going on in this video. Or okay, let's start with just what's going on in this video! 

For one, you barely see Anthrax. Each band member's face is viewed in a very quick shot at some point during the video, and that's that. I think Charlie Benante's expression best captures my sentiments on what's going on with this aspect. So yes, let's strap in now and prepare ourselves, 'cause this thing is really plot-heavy.

 

The video is shot around LA, and has a very LA look and feel to both the interiors and the exteriors (well, by interiors, I mainly mean the house at the beginning). Though there are a fair amount of establishing shots of different places, I was only able to actually track down one of the locations — Evanston Apartments, which are used as an exterior shot early in the video. I couldn't find any of the later stuff though, where they're in a more run-down area, or the ostensible location of the house from the beginning of the video. 

Okay, sorry, I'm getting off track already. The video begins with some establishing shots of LA — the door to the house, palm trees, cars in traffic, etc. A recorded-sounding female voice intones, "Good afternoon. At the tone, Pacific Daylight Time will be two-forty-eight and thirty seconds." 

At the tone, we see a balding man dressed in a dress shirt, tie, and suspenders suddenly sit upright. He peers out through the curtains, then sits on his ratty couch while we hear a weather forecast for LA (as if played on a television in the room), and see more shots of palm trees. The song finally really gets going as the forecast ends, and the man gets more broody. 

We also start to see close-ups of the sleeping face of the woman in the video — she's older but well-preserved, and has one of those too-much-plastic-surgery faces. You know, shaved off nose, overly plump cheekbones, drawn mouth. She smiles in her sleep, and we see a rapid montage of what we can assume are her dreams — a younger version of herself posing in a swimsuit, running on the beach with a man, playing with a dog on a lawn, etc. 

Her memories remind me of one of my all-time favorite videos — brace yourselves, people, I'm not joking — Don Henley's "The Boys of Summer." What can I say, it's evocative. Before I moved to California, I thought my life out here would be like that girl with the wet hair painting her toenails. I can't explain it. 

The montage of memories reaches a hectic pace, ending with a shot of a wedding cake topper. We then see the man come into the bedroom, where she is sleeping with the light on (since as noted, it's the afternoon). He crawls across the bed and whispers in her ear. She awakens with bright eyes and a smile, but her expression quickly sours when she realizes she's no longer in her dreamworld.

 

Okay now I don't know this, but I have always assumed the man in this is not her husband (i.e. the man in her memories) but is, I don't know, like a super-fan or something. Why? One, he appears somewhat younger than her. Two, his manner with her is very servile and deferential. Three, she barely reacts to him. I know, I know, he could be her husband. 

But this sequence happens as John Bush sings "worship the ground you barely walk on" — hence, super-fan. Oh god, the sponge-bathing shot. This is like, the least hot bath-related scene you'll ever see in a metal video. We also see photos in her bedroom showing her younger self from her dreams, affirming that these are indeed memories. The woman sits at the edge of the bed, and the man spoon-feeds her. You can see a large antique vanity table cluttered with stuff in the background — whomever did set direction in this video did a nice job. The house is totally believable as where this odd couple lives. 

As the first pre-chorus begins, we see a montage of the woman putting on makeup and jewelry, more shots of her dreams/memories, and she and the man leaving the house. Oh, and we even see a couple of the guys from Anthrax! 

Next thing you know, they're out in his car, which is a giant, blue, late-model sedan. The woman is propped up in the backseat, with sunglasses and a wig on, plus a scarf over her head. I'm not sure if she reminds me more of Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard or of Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. Nope, I think Norma Desmond. The woman in this even has something of a resemblance to Gloria Swanson. The man in this is totally her William Holden. Obviously this has a different plot, but there are some parallels I think. 

Anyway, they're cruising around an area that I'd guess is somewhere in east LA, or maybe Long Beach, when he spots Jenna Elfman. Yes, from Dharma and Greg. I'll let you guess whether I'm going to continue referring to her as Jenna Elfman or go with Dharma. Yes, that's right.

 

Dharma is extremely braless in a tank top and cut-off jean shorts. She's hanging around with a man in a pleathery jacket and very loud plaid pants, who possibly is supposed to be her pimp? Even though if she's a hooker she's being very, um, casual in her dress. Anyway, she's hanging around outside a dingy-looking dance club that probably doesn't exist anymore (if it does, I can't find evidence of it online). 

It rapidly shifts from afternoon to twilight as Dharma talks on a payphone and the man checks her out. He briefly converses with her and she leaves with him. Of course, once they're both in the car, somehow it's daytime again, but whatever. You can see like a zillion signs in the background (a Comfort Inn, a McDonald's), but I still haven't been able to track down where they are in LA. 

Anyway, Dharma looks a little sketched out in the car, but not as sketched out as she should look, since next thing you know a dude we haven't seen yet but who looks vaguely like Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas pops up from the backseat and chloroforms her. The shots of her wild-eyed that are almost strobe-lit are among the bits that are more reminiscent of the Twin Peaks stuff in this video. 

We next see the car, at night, pulling into some kind of sketchy underground area, which I'm assuming is the Black Lodge. Unless of course, as we'll see in a moment, the Black Lodge is more metaphorical. Or just less of a physical place, or something. 

Anyway, as the pre-chorus swells we see Scott Ian for like two seconds, followed by some hurried shots of the men hurrying down the hall carrying a passed-out Dharma. We also see the older woman sitting before a collage of photos that appear to be of her younger self, as well as a younger version of the woman as she is dressed now (wig and sunglasses), who doesn't seem to really exist. Yes, this is where this video starts to get really confusing.

 

With the first real chorus, we see that the older woman and Dharma are seated at matching vanity tables. Taboo goes over to see about making up Dharma. We also get a bunch of very Nine Inch Nails-esque shots of pieces of mannequins and dozens of copies of the same red qipao. Taboo puts makeup and a wig on Dharma, and dresses her in one of the qipao before wheeling her away. The woman appears oblivious, gesturing with a cigarette holder at nobody. 

A bunch of ominous shots of sort of old-timey medical equipment (or something) follow as Dharma is strapped into a chair with electrodes attached all over her body. The woman is strapped into a similar chair, as we'll see momentarily. Beside them is a pile of TVs, all of which have flickering blue screens. 

Taboo wakes up Dharma, and the man shines a very bright light in her face. With her makeup and wig on, she looks very much like an early 90s Cyndi Lauper. She squirms and tries to get away from the light. Ooh, here's where Charlie Benante makes that face! 

Oh lord, the next part is the creepiest part of the whole video for me. The man pulls out a tube of suntan oil and rubs it into Dharma's thigh, which discomfits her greatly. However, here's where we start to figure out what's going on. While Dharma hates being rubbed with the lotion, in the other chair, the woman looks pleasantly relaxed, and slides down as if she were the one being rubbed with the lotion. At the same time, we see one of the TV screens begin to come into focus, with an image of suntan oil being applied back in the day. 

Okay. So apparently, the older woman can enter her memories if she is hooked up to another woman who is having those things happen to her, even if the other woman (in this case, Dharma) finds it unpleasant. So she gets the physical sensations from the other person, though not the mental interpretations. And somehow, this makes her memories appear on TV. 

Hmm. Yeah, I'm not really sure I understand exactly what is meant to be happening, forget how we're meant to think this works. Possibly though I am thinking it is like the MST3K movie The Leech Woman. 

 

They repeat this for other of her memories. Dharma looks scared as she watches the memories on the TV. We also see montages of the memories along with shots of the man screaming (the other shots that are closest to Twin Peaks stuff in my opinion). The man produces a yellow lab puppy, which inexplicably also creeps out Dharma (I mean come on, it's a puppy), but which thrills the woman. When he tries to use the puppy on the older woman directly though, she goes limp. Let's not even think about where he gets the puppies from, or what he does with them after. 

As the song winds down, the man goes and talks directly to the older woman, touching her and kneeling before her. Taboo takes Dharma in to another room, where he photographs her in front of a red curtain. We then see her photo pinned among what appear to be dozens, if not hundreds, of photos of women dressed identically. So apparently they do this all the time. 

What's going on? What does any of this have to do with Twin Peaks? As far as I can tell, the visual reference of the red curtains seems to be the strongest connection — Dharma's shot in front of a red curtain at the end, and all the members of Anthrax appear with a red curtain as their background. So possibly Kyle MacLachlan is dreaming this whole video. 

I think my Sunset Boulevard connection (which I've admittedly invented) makes more sense though. I mean yes, I can't explain why this older woman is so intent on living in a dream world of her past that she can only access when she's either a) asleep or b) hooked up to another woman who's dressed as her, but in both cases, a faded beauty has lost all touch with reality. 

As William Holden narrates at the end of that movie, "the dream she had clung to so desperately had enfolded her." Though in the case of this video, it seems to have enfolded the woman, the man, and I guess some dude who looks like Taboo, too.

Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Power Ballad Cliches, Part II  

THE VIDEO Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Open Up and Say... Ahh!, 1988, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Eaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyv-ry rose has its thawn / jest laaaaaahk eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyv-ry naght / has its daw-aawww-awww-awwwn / jest laaahk eaaaayyyv-ry cow-ow-boy / sings his sad, say-ad sawng / eaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvv-ry rose has its thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn" 

THE VERDICT Yeah baby! It's March again, so you know what that means! Wait, you don't know what that means? Allow me to refresh your memory! Once again, it's Power Ballad Month! For the entire month of March, we'll be focusing on one of hair metal's core components — the power ballad.

Kicking it off, it's Poison with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I picked this one for a lot of reasons. It's one of those songs everyone knows, and so you see it misattributed all over the place (Def Leppard? Guns N Roses!?!?). 

But for our purposes, its video boasts a bevy of power ballad video cliches. I went into this topic at length last year with the video that I argue originated a lot of these cliches, but "Every Rose" gives us a nice refresher on some of these. 

Lead Singer Has Lady Problems: I've made this argument at length elsewhere, but suffice to say that whenever it's a breakup song, suddenly the lead singer has a girlfriend. This signals to any ladies out there listening that hey, he's available. It also signals to the guys that he's not totally whipped, since I mean he is breaking up with her after all. 

"Every Rose" uses this just at the beginning of the video, and then never brings it up again. We see a truly glorious Bret Michaels asleep in bed with a woman who sort of looks like a more voluptuous version of Downtown Julie Brown. Okay, maybe it's just the fact that she appears to be sleeping in a sports bra and an incredibly high-waisted thong — seriously, it's like a Mom thong, if there is such a thing. I'm glad we've moved on from the time when underwear was cut that way.

 

Besides the thong, there's a lot of discomfort in the room. One, they've left a fire burning in the fireplace, which doesn't seem safe. Two, both have their eyes open and are shifting around a lot. Three, Bret is sleeping with a whole bunch of jewelry on — that is so uncomfortable! And if that stuff's cheap at all, he's gonna wind up with green stains on his wrists. 

Anyway, we just see this romantic interlude for the very beginning of the video. As soon as Bret gets out of bed (and just before we get to clearly see his teeny bikini briefs!) the shot fades out and we move on. Oh, also the song finally starts, since the whole beginning of the video is silent except for the rustling of the bed sheets and the crackling of the fire. 

Grainy Behind-the-Scenes Footage: Most of this video is shot in a sort of blue-tinted black and white, but we also see a lot of backstage footage that's in grainy black and white. I don't know what it is about showing some film grain that just screamed verite to metal video directors of the 80s, but they sure loved that stuff. Lots of C.C. DeVille and Rikki Rockett looking pensive. 

Footage of the Band Rocking Out: If this is your first introduction to this band, Poison don't want you to be confused by the fact that it's a power ballad. Similarly, if you forgot about "I Won't Forget You" and only listened to the other tracks on Look What the Cat Dragged In, Poison don't want you to abandon them, thinking they've somehow stopped rocking. As a reminder then, this video includes lots of live footage of the band playing songs that are obviously not this one. 

The part where Bret is screaming and windmilling his arms, with his eyes so bugged out he's a dead ringer for Jani Lane, gets used in a lot of Vh-1 montages. Also included are lots of shots of Rikki drumming super-intensely with his hair soaking wet with sweat. 

They also put in lots of slow-mo action shots. This has the advantage of demonstrating how hard the band is capable of rocking, while at the same time taking things down to a power ballad pace. Lots of the shots of Rikki are slow-mo, as is some stuff of Bobby smashing a guitar (or trying to anyway) and Bret jumping off some risers.

 

"It's Soo Hard On the Road!": Oh man, this video lets you know that as much as Poison's rocking, they really are leaving it all out on the stage, and are drained and broken men when the curtain falls. Seriously. 

There's no beer spraying and groupie groping in this video. Instead, we see a bunch of shots of Bret sitting around looking like his dog just died. We also see Bret getting his ankle taped, and Rikki having the same done to his fingers. Oh my god guys, they're killing themselves to entertain us! 

In case this isn't enough to convince us of the lonely, difficult life led by super-famous rock stars, we also see footage of an open highway through the tour bus' windshield, and the guys leaning their heads against the bus windows and staring listlessly into the distance. They pop off the bus and stretch, because being driven around in a tour bus is sooo hard. 

Perhaps the best of this though is the footage of Bobby Dall (who's barely in this video otherwise) crawling around on the stage, and being lifted to a semi-standing position by a roadie. It's unclear if Bobby's really that exhausted or if he's just pretty loaded, but either way it's clear rocking this hard isn't easy, kids. 

"We're Such Nice, Regular Guys!": Not all the backstage stuff is drama and sorrow. I mean, in this video most of it is, but we do still see a little bit of the fun-loving Poison we all know and love. Bret can't resist checking out the women hanging in the hallway backstage, or painting a white stripe down C.C.'s nose while he sleeps. See? Even though we're super-famous, we're still totally down to earth. Another name for this type of footage in power ballad videos is "We Would Totally Have a Beer With You."

Suddenly the Lead Singer Plays Guitar: Why is it that lead singers who never normally go near a guitar suddenly have chops when it comes to power ballads? I mean any other song, they're just the singers. Then the minute it slows down, it's like oh wait, I can do this too. 

A lot of this video we see Bret Michaels sitting on a stool in an otherwise empty space, playing an acoustic guitar with a blue rose painted on it. He's wearing wraparound sunglasses and a big black hat. 

I mean I get it — this is really Bret's song. But it's still kind of weird. At least for the solo, we see C.C. playing, so it's not like they try to convince us Bret suddenly became a guitar virtuoso. But still.

 

Ending on an Emotional Note: Though most of this video is live footage, we don't see many close-ups of fans. There are crowd shots, but all they demonstrate is that this is a quite-large arena. Toward the end though, we finally get close-ups — and it's a total of course shot for a power ballad video. Yup, it's a female fan, covered in sweat and her eyes shining with tears. An emotional experience for everyone! We also get the obligatory shot of the band members all putting their arms around each other and bowing to the crowd. 

I've heard this song about ten zillion times, and despite the fact that I don't care that much for the chorus (the enuncuation is too exaggerated for my taste, and it gets very repetitive and dirge-y), it's still a good one. 

I have heard Bret say before he wrote this song after calling some stripper he'd been dating while they were on tour for Look What the Cat Dragged In, and having a dude pick up the phone at her place. On the one hand, I guess it's an "aww" story, but on the other hand, come on, like this guy wasn't getting a ton of ass on the road? 

Still, this song has some truly great parts, mainly in the verses for me. The last bit, starting with "and now I hear you found somebody new / and that I never meant that much to you" gets me every time. Or maybe it's just that as Dave Chappelle and John Mayer point out, this song is really in the sweet spot of stuff white people like (or at least will dance to). 

They're just making the point that it has guitar in it, but if you really think about it, it fits. I mean it's metal, but it's also a very country song — listening to this, it's like duh Bret Michaels went on to do solo country stuff. 

Plus it doesn't have the hard edges that a song like "I Remember You" has, with the screamy vocals, making it an ideal gateway drug for people who never thought they'd listen to a metal song. If this is you, now go listen to the rest of Open Up and Say... Ahh!.

P.S. from 2020: Looking at some of my old notes for this site, I had gotten my hands on a VHS copy of Rock Video Girls 2, which includes the thong girl from the beginning of this video (that link goes to a photo of the back of the tape, you can see her really clearly). Her name is Monique Biffignani, and her only other credit is some Playboy lingerie thing. 

In RVG2, she says she left Oregon to go to LA when she was 13 or 14, and her big break was Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" (and yes, you can totally see her in that post — she's the brunette wearing red, satiny undergarments with a sheer white top over them). 

Monique said she heard from a girlfriend that they were looking for dancers for a video, and to go down and "look as hot as you can." She lied and said she had experience as a dancer, and was cast in the video. That also got her cast in this video — she says the Crüe had met Poison through a photographer, and she got recommended.

Her other uncredited appearances include videos for Tone Loc, Young MC, and Bon Jovi. I still haven't figured out which Bon Jovi video she's in, though she mentions it was shot in the desert and that JBJ was "really nice" and "very involved" in making the video, though she didn't get to talk to him much. 

(And yes, I also own Rock Video Girls 3, but the only VCR I could find died before I had the chance to watch it!)

Krokus, "Our Love"

Spring Has Sprung, And So Has Marc Storace

THE VIDEO Krokus, "Our Love," The Blitz, 1984, Spitfire Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Owww-owwww-our / our love will never die / (nev-errrr die) / don't know why-yyyyyy-yyyyyy / it's a feelin' / in-siiiiiii-iiiiide"

THE VERDICT I was originally thinking hey, it's spring -- trees are budding, flowers are blooming -- and what better symbol of spring than the humble crocus? Or in this case, the hubris-filled Krokus. But in retrospect, what was I thinking? Good god is this a horrible video. Honestly, I feel like I need to go use one of those eyewash stations that they put in labs every time I watch it. The song is actually probably one of Krokus' better ones -- or okay, at least it's not a cover -- and still it's pretty brutal. But it's really the video's constant barrage of things I never wanted or needed to see that gets me every time.

It's a pretty narrative-heavy video -- and not just because Marc Storace literally sings almost every single lyric straight into the face of the woman in the video, as if this were a musical and he was singing dialogue. The video begins with Krokus' tour bus (bedecked in Christmas lights), a few vague concert shots, and a woman peeking out from behind some blinds. She looks pretty smug about the return of the Krokus bus.

Next comes a bizarre shot that's repeated a bunch of times, makes no sense, and never needed to happen: Storace and the woman are lying in bed, with the woman closer to us and the camera very close, almost from the point of view of her shoulder. She either starts laughing, crying, or gets very suddenly aroused, arching her back and making a weird face, and this causes Storace to sit up in concern. What the heck is going on there? They show it like three times in the video, so you'd think it'd be clearer.

The whole beginning actually is mostly these weird atmospheric shots foreshadowing crap we'll have to sit through in full later -- Storace walking in a dark alley, Storace and the woman in a red convertible, blurry concert footage, etc.



Once Storace has unlocked the door, it gets a lot more straightforward, as he starts singing all the lyrics at the woman as if they're having a conversation. Ugh this dude is lame. Cut the lectures already! Since she doesn't have any "lines" in the song, all she gets to do is blow smoke at him. It keeps cutting to shots of them in bed, and of him kissing her neck, which are making me -- let's just say I should have made a reaction video of me watching this video, and that I hope my face doesn't get stuck that way.

Now their argument has moved to in front of what appears to be some kind of neon shelving housing tons of VCRs and cassette decks. Honestly, who knows what it is except for something a set designer on a music video in 1984 would have thought looked super rad.

Speaking of things that seemed like a cool idea in the 80s, different frames keep being cut into what's being shown on the screen in stripes. I'll take whatever as long as it gets Storace off my screen for even a second! More than a minute in and all it is is him singing at the camera. How is it even possible that he simultaneously has a mullet and a rat tail?! It's like someone shaved down John Oates and the lead singer from REO Speedwagon, and made some kind of weird curly Davy Crockett hat out of the results.

Oh god, now they're rolling around in bed together. Thank god she's on top so we don't have to see Storace. Why the camera appears to be filming them through a chain link fence (on their ceiling?) is a total mystery. Gahhh now he's rolling onto the top! Please let this scene end soon.

Nooo!! No!! The last scene ended, but now it has cut to Storace SHAVING. This is far atop my list of things in this video I never needed to see. He spots something behind him -- it's the woman in the shower. And damn, for a music video, she looks pretty naked. Storace seems super surprised by this. Ughh, and then we get an eyeful of his gross hair.

Somehow a shot of a hand gripping a bed sheet transitions us to the woman in the same bathroom, putting on lipstick. Over her shoulder, we see what appears to be Storace and the woman together in the shower, but when we see a shot of just the shower, he's on his own. And thank heaven for small mercies -- he is wearing briefs in the shower.



Then more boring sexy time stuff -- she's smoking while they're lying in bed, she's putting her hand over his while he works the gearshift in the car (ew). Storace seems super-frustrated all of the sudden, and boom, next thing you know he's singing at her again, this time in the car. And then it turns into a montage of all their arguments thus far. Snoozeville.

No! No! Nooo!! They're going at it again. Oh god, and she's running her hands through his carpet of chest hair. Ew, ew, ew. All I can say for this sequence is because they keep fading and layering the shots on top of each other, it's not super-easy to tell what's going on. A shot of her butt fades into that weird shot from the beginning -- are we meant to believe she's having an orgasm just from laying in bed next to Storace?! I can't even begin on what's wrong with that picture.

With the guitar solo, someone involved with this video suddenly remembers -- Krokus is a band. So not only do we get to see them in fake-concert, we get to see other band members. Well, really we only get to see Fernando Von Arb. Everyone else pops up, if they do at all, in still images layered in stripes across the screen.

But before we know it, we're back in the car. Images of just the woman's face keep flashing on the screen for like a single frame, breaking up most of what we're seeing, which is just Storace and the woman sitting in the convertible. Then we're with Krokus in concert, but again really only showing Storace and Von Arb.

The video ends back in the car, with the woman popping her head up suddenly, and Storace breaking the fourth wall to make a shocked face at the camera. Seriously, a blowjob joke? You put me through that entire horrible video, and that's the payoff? Oooh-weee Krokus. You needed to think before you made these horrible, horrible videos. Bokay?

Whitesnake, "Is This Love?"

I'm Feeling Very Tawny

THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "Is This Love?" Whitesnake, 1987, EMI

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Is this love that I'm feelin'? / Is this the looove, that I've been searchin' for-or? / Is this love, or am I dreami-iii-in'? / This must be love, 'cause it's really got a hold on mee-eeee / a hold on meeee"

THE VERDICT This isn't my favorite Whitesnake song, but it's Power Ballads Month, so I can't exactly blog about "Slow An' Easy" or "Give Me All Your Love." I do have a particular affinity for it though, as if nothing else, it always makes me think of my cat, Pudge. I have a habit of working my pets' names into songs and singing to them, and given that "Pudge" rhymes with "Love" she bears the brunt of this. Besides, lyrics like "Is this Pudge? That I'm feelin' / Is this the Pudge? That I've been searchin' for" crack me up. So even though this isn't my most favorite Whitesnake song (I've always taken issue with its inclusion on Monster Ballads), here we are, 'cause it's Power Ballads Month.

And this song has a pretty damn enjoyable video. I love it when heavy metal guys invite their real girlfriends to "act" in their videos -- yes, much like having your relationship or marriage showcased in a reality show, it's pretty much the death knell for your relationship, but it gets around the usual "they aren't paying me enough to do that" awkwardness, as the real-life girlfriends are willing to be a lot more demonstrative. Or something.

The video opens with the inimitable Tawny Kitaen in her exposed-brick apartment, hastily packing a few unmentionables while wearing a teensy white dress that may or may not have a super high-waisted 80s thong built into it. David Coverdale -- looking very Sonny Crockett in an unstructured suit with a low-cut tee under it -- basically just watches all this happen. Their initial interaction basically sets the tone for the entire video: Tawny acting all spastic and jumpy, and Coverdale acting tired and resigned. Is this love? I guess?



Everyone in Whitesnake -- and Tawny -- appear to be playing in some kind of vague, dry ice-filled area, with each musician or band member's girlfriend standing atop a kind of horizontal structure. Basically, imagine if Stonehenge fell over, someone dropped a bunch of dry ice there, and everyone in Whitesnake came and stood on it, swaying their hips while playing this song, and you've got it. It's actually a really similar set to the one used in Dio's "I Could Have Been a Dreamer" and W.A.S.P.'s "I Wanna Be Somebody," if you can believe it. On a semi-related note, the humidity seems to be doing a number on everyone's hair.

Tawny next does something that seems totally natural. She drops her trunk in the hallway and balances on top of it in a sexy pose. That's how I usual relieve my frustration. Per my comments before, Coverdale just stands in the hallway staring.

Next we get one of my favorite parts of this video. A flashback! Yes, to the good old days when she would give him a lap dance in their super-80s loft apartment. Look out though David, as when this cuts back and forth, it appears the dry ice is filling the hallway as well -- are they sure it isn't some kind of gas leak? After all, whenever we cut back to them playing the song, everyone seems pretty subdued. It's pretty dim so it's hard to see if Adrian Vandenberg is making his usual guitar face, but based on his other movements I'd have to say the answer is a shocking no.

Coverdale's just laying on the bed, so between that, the nearly catatonic band members, and this sludgefest of a song, it's up to Tawny to carry the whole thing. And she tries very, very hard, tossing around her gigantic mane of hair (seriously, it looks like it's 1/4 of her body weight!), making furious sexy faces at the camera, and getting jiggy with the stairwell railing. I really love how content she is to dance around the bed without getting anywhere near David Coverdale. Even when he reaches out to touch her, you get this sort of "you need to pay extra for that" feeling. Is this love? Umm, doesn't seem like it so far.

Unless, that is, you count the director's love for David Coverdale. They seem to have been so enamored of doing a quick-zoom on Coverdale standing in the hallways that they've felt the need to repeat it at least five times so far. If I were anyone else in the band, I'd be like, "so let's see, you've shown me in silhouette a few times and my face in shadow once, but we've now done a quick-zoom toward David five times?!?" And as I finish typing, they go in for a sixth quick-zoom.



We also keep getting these shots of everyone reflected in water, with a foggy background. In these, Tawny appears to be wearing David's blazer. Does the water signify that this isn't what's really happening? Possibly yes, as she's letting David kiss her. Did I neglect to mention that Tawny has changed into an equally tiny silky black dress? Well, she has. Nothing else has really changed though.

The guitar solo kicks things up a little bit. We actually get to see the rest of the band's faces, and they move around a bit more. At least reflected in the water, David and Tawny seem reasonably realistically affectionate toward each other. And as it wraps up -- look! -- after a few failed attempts, Coverdale finally gets Tawny onto the bed with him. Is this love? Ewww, the leering David out in the hall seems to think so.

Now Tawny's outside, and between the weird loft they live in and all the steam on the street outside, it appears they live near Vince Neil's place in "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)." She's put on a truly ridiculously proportioned white 80s coat, and in spite of all the sexy faces she was making at the camera a minute ago, she now appears determined to get out of there.

Frustrated, Tawny throws her trunk away, and as she's reaching her car (yes, it's one of the Jaguars from "Here I Go Again"), David Coverdale freakin' jumps out from the shadows, grabs her, and begins yelling at her and shaking her! Next thing you know, he has her laid out on the hood of the Jag and is kissing her neck. Is this love? Gosh, I sure hope not.

P.S. And I can't Kitaen myself! I swear, this is something Mike Myers as Wayne Campbell says at some point, but for the life of me I can't locate the source of this quote. Suffice to say the next words out of his mouth are likely "schwing!"

Lita Ford, "Dressed to Kill"

This One's for the Rock N Roll Children

THE VIDEO Lita Ford, “Dressed to Kill, Dancin’ on the Edge, 1984, Mercury/Polygram Records

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC “[Kill me bay-by!] / You’re dressed to kill / [You killll mee bayyy-by!] / You’re drrressed to killllllllllllll”

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Lita Ford, clad in an off-the-shoulder mini-dress thing made of uh… garbage bag material (or at least the world’s cheapest pleather) approaches a vanity table covered with an array of girly goods and studded leather accessories and a big lighted mirror. Suddenly, as she is about to take a seat, a random bearded dude (Tommy Iommi maybe?) appears on the right of the screen and growls “you’re dressed to kill.” Lovely Lita takes a seat, revealing a generous helping of stocking-covered leg. An acoustic guitar plays softly as she chooses a compact and a large brush and begins brushing powder onto her cheeks.

Lita smiles to herself as she (off-camera) begins singing the song (i.e., the Lita we see is applying foundation with a sponge, the Lita we hear is singing. Get it?) She’s already wearing a ton of makeup, notably very frosted lipstick and heavy eyeliner, but there’s always room for more. Ope, nope, here we go. She slowly applies more lipstick.

As Lita slides out of her o-t-s outfit (revealing some kind of negligee-type thing beneath), then rolls her stocking down to her totally hot snakeskin heels, off-screen Lita growls “you’re dressed to kill” for the first time, as a guitar kicks in revealing that contrary to what you’ve been hearing so far, this song will not be a ballad. Half-dressed, Lita teases her hair and smiles knowingly at the mirror. But then the camera pulls out and suddenly she’s fully dressed and wearing a black tank top with a pattern of white skulls on it and black pants with long white fringe running down the sides (chaps??).

Lita unnecessarily kicks over her zebra print chair and moves to grab a guitar as the song finally starts rocking, and we cut to a performance shot of Randy Castillo. Now we’re at a fake-looking Lita Ford concert, with Lita pumping her fist in the air and the paid extras in the audience (excuse me, the fans) halfheartedly doing the same. An anonymous guitarist in a killer skinny 80s tux (I am obsessed with skinny 80s tuxedos -- so hot) spins around, and Lita does too, with the camera sort of swinging wildly above them. We also get lots of shots taken from about halfway back in the crowd.



As the song begins its refrain (“kill me baby”), we see a chunky, pissed-off looking girl who’s wearing a scarf on her head and a shapeless flannel thing standing right in front of the camera on the right (weirdly, those shapeless flannel things are like really in right now). In the background, we can see some clothes tossed on the ground, a table with a speaker and some other junk on it, posters, halfheartedly strung Christmas tree garland, and a lamp. An older dude, probably her dad, stands by the doorway. He gestures at the girl, and she makes an angry face, turning toward the camera and aggressively applying powder with a large brush. We briefly see Lita and Hugh McDonald thrashing in unison, then we’re back with the girl, who’s now wearing a shapeless black velvet garment and shaking out bright green hair while her father berates her. Let me mention also that she has a nose ring and eyebrows that have been plucked to the brink of invisibility. Lita et al rock out a bit more, then the girl puts on a hat while her father (now with cigarette and disheveled hair) rants on.

As the second verse begins, we’re in the bedroom of a suspiciously old-looking white skater dude. He jumps in on his skateboard wearing a t-shirt and a backwards hat. The room is sparsely furnished -- there’s a lawn chair, an acoustic guitar, a bookshelf with some junk on it, posters, and a window with venetian blinds. He bops up to the camera, takes his hat off, and shakes out his (graying??) longish hair. We then see fast-forwarded film of him bopping around the room changing his clothes while sort of headbanging the whole time. Come to think, this whole sequence is not super-different from the video for “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by REM. He changes basically from a skater to a metalhead, with loose hair, a black sleeveless t, black sleeveless vest, boots, etc.

We then see lots more shots of Lita and the band singing, and I’m pleased to report that her random guitarist is actually wearing fabulous 80s tails. And a headband! This is a great outfit. At least one person in this video is actually dressed to kill. The drummer bashes his fists into his head repeatedly and all parties concerned flash the devil hands repeatedly as we move into the guitar solo, which I am pleased to say Lita plays (since she actually did all the guitar on the album, hence the no-name guitarist in the video).



We quickly cut though to an Asian girl in a crocheted sweater who’s teasing her hair. We cut to Lita, and by the time we’re back with the girl she’s put on a leather jacket and her hair is ginormous. She grins ecstatically, and Lita continues to shred onstage. There are lots of close-ups of her hands, and lots of shots of her bent over her instrument silhouetted in a greenish-blue spotlight.

Finally, we get up to our last guy, a heavyish white guy in a suit who’s running his hands through his hair. Behind him a Lita Ford poster and a Scorpions poster are visible on the wall. Grimacing into the camera the entire time, he tears off his tie and shirt and puts on mirrored aviator sunglasses. Lita and her bandmates, meanwhile, take turns screaming “you’re dressed to kill” into each others’ faces. The dude then has put on uh… okay, it’s like an asymmetric torn t-shirt, and he’s wrapping a length of chain secured with full-size handcuffs around his neck. O-kayyy. He tops this off with a sleeveless leather vest.

We then see a longer shot of him, showing that he’s also wearing cuffed jeans and that his room wasn’t quite so tiny as it looked -- we were seeing him from a mirror over a cluttered dresser that was on the long side of the room. The short side of the room is uh, like six feet across, hence the room looked even tinier than it is. It’s very messy, lots of clothes on the floor and stuff. There’s a Bon Jovi poster on the back wall (who was the set designer on this video? Jeez). He spins around and does a bunch of crummy air guitar moves, even dropping to his knees he’s rocking out so hard. The video closes with a brief concert shot of Lita shaking hands with someone in the crowd, then cuts to the shot of her all made up and looking satisfied from the beginning of the video.



THE VERDICT This video is extremely Dio-esque in its embrace of the downtrodden, the disdained-by-their-peers and kept-down-by-their-parents and lampooned-by-their-coworkers "Rock N Roll Children." In fact, give Lita Ford a crystal ball, and this more or less is that video. Of course, rather than running away to live out their dreams these people are um, accessorizing, but it's more or less the same concept.

I really want to like Lita Ford’s music, I really, really do. I like her quite a bit as a person, but as a performer… um… ehh… yeah, it’s just not happening. Part of this is probably that as the most successful female performer in metal, I wanted her to be great. Amazing, memorable songs instead of … high-cut leotards, leather pants, and the usual. Sad to say, but while on a man glam metal style is subversive, on a woman it’s pretty much the usual sexist b.s.

Talking about Ms. Ford however gives me the opportunity to mention the fact that they’re releasing a movie about the Runaways next year. Why, I don’t know. A) I thought the documentary released a few years back pretty much covered it. B) Particularly when I was in high school, the Runaways were a big style influence on me. We’re talking loooong, straight hair, high-waisted vintage work pants, and tiny scoop neck tees with glittery iron-ons. In particular, there’s a picture of them reprinted in The Rolling Stone Guide to Women in Rock that I would ogle for hours (matter of fact, it was this picture). I very much wanted to look like Jackie.

And now… Cherie’s being played by Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett’s going to be interpreted by that sourpuss girl from Twilight. And our good friend Lita Ford will be interpreted by … some girl who’s biggest credit to date seems to be appearing in both the Rob Zombie Halloween remakes. Weak. The one thing I can say for this movie is it features Alia Shawkat (Maeby from Arrested Development) as well as Robert Romanus. Yes, Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High! I didn’t even know he still acted. On the other hand, it also includes Elvis’ granddaughter. I didn’t know she “acted.”

Long story short, it’s just a matter of time before Teen Vogue et al. start claiming they’ve always been into Lita et al. and comparing the music of the Runaways to that of latter-day manufactured female punk-pop like Avril Lavigne (because let’s be real, just because the Runaways were really good doesn’t mean they weren’t a Svengali job all the way -- just look at Bow Wow Wow). But even still, they probably won’t be titling any fashion spreads “Dressed to Kill.” But that’s probably more because it’s too reminiscent of that creepfest Brian DePalma movie.

P.S.: Notice anything different? I've rejiggered the layout to bring you super-sized pics -- 1/3 bigger than the old style! Part of this is that when I started this blog, I was using an indigo clamshell iBook which only had a screen with 800x600 resolution, so bigger images wouldn't have even fit. But now, it's the future, and we like our jpgs HUGE!

Type O Negative, "Black No. 1"

The Best Homage to Hair Dye Ever Written

THE VIDEO Type O Negative, "Black No. 1," Bloody Kisses, Roadrunner, 1993

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Yeah you wanna go out / 'cause its raining and blowing / you can't go out / 'cause your roots are showin' / dye 'em black / well dye 'em black / black, black, black, black numbah wuh-uh-one"

ESCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with Peter Steele's spooky face emerging from pitch black. His face is only partially visible, I guess to make it look more like a skull or make him look more like a vampire or something, because right away he kind of makes a menacing "look at my teeth" face. His face fades away momentarily, then comes back to the right of the bottom half of an equally pallid (but more hot than spooky) woman's face. She's wearing a choker, which he pulls down to get uhh, more complete access to her already quite bare neck. In case you didn't get it before, vampires!



Peter keeps singing as his face fades in and out (it almost gives the impression that he keeps submerging himself in water), then we get to see a better lit version of him where you can actually see his eyes. As some real guitar comes in for the first time, we get a quick, almost strobe-lit (I think the effect is supposed to be more like lightning than a strobe, but basically it's uneven and flashy) view of Type O Negative playing in a big, parlor-looking room with florid, old-fashioned wallpaper that is chock full o' goth chicks. Just as quickly, we're back with Peter's scary face, then we see him playing his enormous standup bass beside a large, leafless tree which has a couple of weird-looking people sitting in the branches. This is also lit in the strobe/lightning style.



Then more Peter face, as he tries desperately to out-mug Glen Danzig in some kind of muscular dude scary face contest. We quickly see a better-lit shot of his entire face where the irises of his eyes are acid green (the only color we see in this entire video), then he's playing in front of the tree again. One of the people in it appears to be wearing long underwear and a top hat. Then the better-lit Peter face is singing again, and actually the way he's shot from beneath his face looks way more short and squat than it is, making Peter look pretty much just like Danzig. Then the people in the tree above him are shaking their arms. The one I couldn't see well before looks like a monkey or a dwarf or something.

Next we get a couple of quick shots inside the house again, and the rest of the band is rocking out. We quickly see their keyboard player, who gets mad, mad props for headbanging whilst playing what looks like a really old piano but sounds like a harpsichord, then after a couple of shots of Peter we see the drummer with a bunch of goth looking kids rocking out behind him. (Many, many apologies for the lack of a positive I.D. on the other band members -- I don't know as much as I'd like to about Type O Negative and their bios on the band's official website are for useless if one is trying to glean actual information and not simply learn that among Josh Silver's other hobbies he enjoys "avoiding bodily fluids" yet ironically also delights in "mailing feces to his enemies." I guess feces doesn't count as a fluid, still, doesn't mean one wouldn't want to avoid it as well).



As the song really kicks up into what I guess is the chorus (the structure of this song -- especially in the album version -- is so unusual that I'm kind of hesitant to declare what's what), we see a good shot of the band rocking out in the weird house while all the chicks and stuff wave their arms around. We see a great shot (not one of my all-time favorites, but close), of an absolutely gorgeous goth girl who's quite slim and petite and who's wearing a big black t-shirt do a slinky dance while gesturing dramatically with her arms (my description doesn't do it justice). Her dance is interspersed with shots of Peter making scary faces. He saves his real histrionics, however, for shouting, "black, black, black, black numbah wah-ah-one," which makes every vein on his face and neck spring to attention.

This is followed by a bunch of shots of Peter's face and even more of him rocking out by the tree (plus a nice one of Josh) then he fades away. As the harpsichord kicks up and he intones, "lov-ing you, looov-ing you" we see a clearer shot of him menacing the neck of a goth chick. She looks more passed out than simply passive, but we won't be touching that one. We zoom in on her face, then back out to see the keyboardist's hands playing a cobweb-covered piano (which for the zillionth time I think is playing the part of a harpsichord -- and if you're not sure what a harpsichord sounds like, just take a listen to the original theme from The Addams Family).



Peter caresses the girl's neck with his fingertips, then they fade to black and we espy him making an especially scary face as he screams, "it was like lovin' the dead." He keeps screaming like this as we get some more fun shots of him headbanging under the tree and the rest of the band rocking out in the house. Peter eventually pulls it together for some glamour shots as we get to the fingers snapping/harpsichord/is-it-just-me-or-is-this-the-theme-from-The Addams Family part of the song. Peter nods along, and after a couple more cobweb/piano keys shots we see him with his spooky green eyes once more before we're back in the chorus ("black, black, black, black numbah wuh-uh-one") and everyone rocking out in the room. Peter rolls his eyes back in his skull, and a man who looks seriously a large amount like either Uncle Fester or the Grandpa on The Munsters spins by right in front of the camera.



The video wraps up with shots of Peter nodding, the various band members tossing hair about, goth kids rocking out, and whatever's going on up in that tree. Peter keeps making faces that are scarier and scarier, and the video ends with an African-American woman's face. Unlike the girl from earlier, she's awake and almost smiling. She (at least I think it's her hand) lifts up a large knife, and after it passes in front of the camera we see Peter making a screamy mouth down in the corner. A giant hand comes in from the other side and, covering her face, tilts her head back. Oooh, creepy.

THE VERDICT I love this song. But a lot of what I love about is that I think it's really funny. It's so self-consciously goth that it's almost a parody of what's goth, lyrically referencing Lily Munster and Nosferatu, musically referencing The Addams Family, etc., etc. And just the fact that fancy title card or no, at the end of the day "Black No. 1" refers to the type of hair dye this girl uses. Is it a joke, or the most sincere love note ever? Tough to say. In the edited version seen in the video (which I much prefer), it seems much more sincere. The album's addition of the whole "Sacre bleu!" part plus upping the ante to "loving you was like !#$%ing the dead" is a bit much for me. It must be tongue in cheek, right? Maybe I just don't know enough about Type O Negative.

Does Peter Steele get the joke? It's tough to say. I don't know that much about the guy, except for uh, the obvious. If you don't know, he's packing a lot more than just a giant bass. Yeah. That. And in Playgirl no less. It is hard to take Mr. Spooky Face seriously when you've seen him like, rubbing his nipple and making a sexy face or posing amidst orchids (I've linked to the tamer pics -- you're on your own if you want to check out the real Steele, so to speak). How did he wind up in this situation? Either he takes himself very seriously and is probably a real tool (no pun intended) or he really doesn't and is generally a good guy. The latter is a possibility -- I mean, look at Glenn Danzig. He melted my heart when he appeared on Aqua Teen Hunger Force as himself (that's Episode 18, Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future to you laymen).

But say it is done a bit in jest -- what of the other people in the video? This video (like Biohazard's "Punishment") has always struck me as one where all of the extras are likely the band's fans, friends, and extended families. What do they think of all this? Goth has never exactly struck me as a subculture particularly inclined toward self-parody, but what do I know. So I guess it comes down to one thing: Does Peter Steele out-Danzig Glenn Danzig? Who would win in a fistfight? We'll have to wait till I turn my attention to "Mother" (a very similar video in many respects) to find out.