Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher"

School Daze

THE VIDEO Van Halen, "Hot for Teacher," 1984, 1984, Warner Brothers

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I've got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaad / got it baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad / I'm hot for teach-ah!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A mom with a bad 80s perm and big dorky sunglasses leans down toward the camera (she's shot from beneath, a rooftop and a palm tree are silhouetted in the background). She's sort of "hmm"ing to herself and laughing in this weird way as we hear screams and gunshots in the background. The viewpoint switches to over her shoulder, and we see her straightening the hair of a mega-dorky kid wearing a button down shirt, a knit vest, a bowtie, and the same giant glasses. Her fingers smoothing down his hair make an excruciatingly loud sound.

Mom: Sweet, sweet Waldo…

The camera switches back to the previous angle, and the mom points a finger and says…

Mom: Now Waldo, I hope you find some friends this year.

She begins polishing his glasses with the hem of her shirt, while he speaks (as a voiceover -- his lips don't actually move. He has the voice of an adult nerd, not a kid.)

Waldo: Aw mom, ya know I'm not like other guys. I'm nervous and my socks are too loose.

The mom keeps sort of oohing and aahing to herself the whole time he's speaking, and as he puts his arms out to either side in desperation a school bus pulls up and he backs into its open door. The kids on the bus are all going absolutely apeshit and having a wild paper fight, and the driver -- Mr. David Lee Roth -- turns to face the camera, grinning maniacally. He points at Waldo and gestures backward, saying, "Siddown, Waldo!"

Waldo gets on the bus looking hella nervous, and as the kids on the bus all turn to see him they stop what they're doing and stare. The drums that begin the song are just getting loud as the bus door closes. As the bus pulls away, we see Waldo pressed up against its back window, screaming plaintively.



The next shot is just amazing. I feel like it is a lost scene from some 80s teen movie (although these kids are a lot younger). The camera pans left to right across a row of kids sitting bored in a classroom. The first kid has spiky bleach blonde hair and is wearing tinted glasses with weird frames. Next up is an amazing looking girl with long dark hair wearing big sunglasses with what look like neon frames, then a pudgy boy with a Mohawk that's been shaped into a sort of fountain on top of his head which he's staring up at. The girl next to him, who's also kinda pudgy and has giant curly hair, is also looking at it.

We then get two boys wearing flannel shirts and bandannas tied around their foreheads, the one on the left (who's wearing sunglasses), gestures and whispers something to the other boy. They're followed by two amazing looking girls, both of whom look very bored and have on heavy makeup and giant, teased 80s hair. The one on the left just looks down, the one on the right (who's also wearing a studded leather cuff) is teasing her hair out even more. The last kid is, of course, a twitchy Waldo.

Next we get our first glimpses at the mini Van Halen boys. All are posed in a dark room with some smoky light filtering in. First we have Diamond Dave and Little Diamond Dave. Little Dave is sitting at a desk, and Dave is leaning against a ladder. We then see all the kids sitting in the classroom looking bored at their desks, from overhead. Then we meet Alex Van Halen and little Alex. Little Alex is standing with his arms crossed, and Alex is smoking and sitting in a backwards-turned chair. More bored kids.

Next is Michael Anthony and Little Michael. Little Michael is sitting on a stool, and Michael is standing behind one. They're the first pair that are dressed exactly the same, and both have their arms crossed. Little Michael pulls a toothpick out of his mouth and tosses it offscreen. More bored kids, but Little Van Halen are now clearly visible sitting in one of the middle rows of the classroom. Last, we have Eddie Van Halen and Little Eddie. Both are sitting on the edges of school desk and holding guitars.

As the intro to the song ends, we see Waldo wiping his brow, sitting at a desk in an empty classroom. He grips the edges of the desk and looks around, and we see him from a bunch of different angles. As DLR yells, "Ooh-ooh!" (the response to his question, "So what do you think the teacher's gonna look like this year?"), Little Van Halen jump out of their seats in enormous excitement.



Suddenly we switch from black and white to color as a short-haired blonde wearing a blue string bikini, a tiara, heels, and a pink sash that reads "Miss Chemistry" jumps from behind a glittery silver curtain of streamers which has been hung from the ceiling at the front of the classroom (you can see the chalkboard behind it), with footlights visible in the foreground. She begins to parade across the stage carrying a little scepter (to go with the tiara, one supposes), and Little Eddie and Little Michael, having run to the front of the room, show a level of excitement that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

Michael is onstage sitting on a stool announcing over a microphone (though he's just dressed in street clothes, nothing special) while Miss Chemistry trots around, and Little Dave gleefully throws handfuls of confetti into the air. Michael nearly falls off his stool following her with his eyes, and Little Michael makes an aside to Little Alex, who removes his sunglasses and whistles (honestly, these kids were not bad actors). The curtain is mostly gone now, so she's walking back and forth in front of the chalk board, which has random numbers written on it.

For "don't wanna be no uptown fool," we're back in black and white, and Dave is right in close to the camera on the right. Little Dave and a girl are visible sitting around in the background on the left. The camera pans from the ground up the legs of the same teacher from before, now dressed in heels, stockings, a short tight skirt, a wide belt, and a white buttondown shirt with a little tie. She's sort of leaning over a desk at the front of the room.

It then turns around and we see between the desks of Waldo and one of the cool girls, where in the next row Little Eddie and Little Michael are leaning against each other bored. Eddie jumps up from behind them, pushing their heads apart and singing "teacher needs to see me after scho-ool."

The camera then follows the teacher's butt and legs as she walks between the desks, and from the left Dave sings "but then my homework…," and then on the right, Little Dave mirrors him, singing "… was never quite like thi-i-is." The teacher leans against her desk at the front of the room, and Eddie is visible standing beside the blackboard.

Suddenly in color (and beneath a disco ball), Michael, Alex, and Eddie (left to right) begin doing a dance in orange tuxes and sunglasses, and Dave swings in on the right wearing the same outfit and singing and doing a more elaborate version of the same dance. Now as for me, I love this part of the video (clearly, because I love David Lee Roth), but for others, I understand how you could watch this and be like, "so that's why they kicked him out."

When the chorus ends, we're back in black and white and we next see Waldo from above getting his tray in a filthy cafeteria, with the real Van Halen sitting on some kind of elevated thing (possibly a salad bar) in the background. Waldo turns every which way with his tray, unsure where to go, when suddenly the camera faces Little Van Halen.

Little Michael leans in and says, "Hey, I heard you missed us," and Little Eddie says, "we're back." We then jump back to the shot of Waldo sitting nervous at the desk, then Little Alex leans way in, and, demonstrating, says, "I've got my pen-cilll." We see Waldo, then Little Dave, who now has on a big white hat and really bizarre 80s sunglasses, chimes in with, "gimme something to write on!" We briefly see all the kids sitting down in the cafeteria, but before we can do much a much less teacherly-looking woman with lots of eyeliner and teased bleach blonde hair, wearing a patterned, loose minidress type of thing, steps forward.



And of course, as she tears it off, revealing half a blue bikini, a pink cropped tank top thing, and a blue sash that reads "Phys Ed," we're back in color, as all the kids jump up and a spotlight highlights the teacher. She dances around, swinging the dress over her head and tossing it into the crowd. We see her from above and underneath, then we see Dave very close to the camera on the left (wearing one of my favorite outfits of his, a bandanna and a bunch of bangle bracelets), and the stripper… uh, make that teacher, going nuts in the background with the very appreciative Little Van Halen crowded by her feet. We then randomly see Miss Chemistry again. Phys Ed is now on her knees, and Michael, now in the foreground, looks over his shoulder at the camera and sings "how did you know the golden ru-ule?"

Dave, in a brownish tuxedo, stands on the stage with the lights and silver curtain holding a pad and sings, "I think of all the education that I missed" then throws the pad off camera, grabbing Miss Chemistry for "but then my homework was never quite like thi-ii-iis." He dips her and smiles mischieviously at the camera. All the Van Halen boys then dance beneath the disco ball again for the chorus.

For the solo, we first see Little Eddie sitting at one end of a long library table holding a guitar (in black and white, p.s.). Eddie steps over him and walks down the length of the table while playing, stepping over books and papers and passing Little Michael and Little Alex about halfway and Little Dave toward the end, where he leans down and gives us mad guitar face. Ed then continues the solo on the silver curtain stage in a brown tux (in color, obviously), with the other three members of the band behind him. We finish the solo in B&W, as Ed then walks down the same library table again, this time with no one there till he reaches the end of the table and finds a very sweaty Waldo gripping the edges of the table and grimacing before two large, open books.

Next we see the members Van Halen and Little Van Halen sitting together in a cobweb-covered jail cell patrolled by a big-haired babe with a whip. Dave pops up in front holding an hourglass and says, "Aw man, I think the clock is slooow." The babe bares her teeth, and Little Dave pops up and says, "I don't feel tardy" before the babe pushes him back down again. We then see Waldo standing, super-sweaty, with a look of panic on his face, then Dave (with the jailer posing seductively behind him) yells, "class dis-missed!"

With much exuberance, we return to color as Little Van Halen burst out of the front doors of the school, followed by lots of other students. A banner over the door reads "graduation." They sort of high five each other as DLR pulls up in a …I have no idea what kind of car this would be, I'll be honest. Halfway between a like 1920s car and a hot rod (the engine is exposed). It's a yellow convertible with "Hot for Teacher" painted in red on the back and a little sign beside the license plate that says "VH." Dave puts out his hand to gesture them to get into the car, and he high-fives Little Dave, who sits behind him. They peel out and drive off.



The video concludes with brief shots of each adult band member that turn into stills with words over the screen. Each tells us what the members of Van Halen have wound up doing with themselves.

First Alex, dressed as a doctor and adjusting a stethoscope around his neck (but still smoking), turns toward the camera, and we learn "ALEX WENT ON TO BECOME DR. VAN HALEN Gynecologist, Los Angeles, CA."

Michael faces off against a sumo wrestler, and as he gets ready to throw his opponent down we learn, "MICHAEL ANTHONY IS CURRENTLY A CHAMPION SUMO WRESTLER IN TOKYO, JAPAN."

Next we see Eddie sitting in front of a tv in a straitjackets while an orderly leads another patient by behind him and another one sits on a bed. As the camera focuses in on him, we can read that. "EDWARD VAN HALEN IS TEMPORARILY 'RELAXING' IN BELLEVUE MENTAL WARD AND MAKING PROGRESS."

Waldo, still tiny and possibly even still a kid, stands beside a super fancy car which has his name written on the spare tire (it's one of those cars where there's a spare on the running board). He's wearing a big fur jacket and takes off a wide-brimmed white hat. Three ZZ Top video-looking women stand arrayed about him, and it says, giving us a black and white inset picture of Waldo, "NO ONE'S REALLY SURE WHAT BECAME OF WALDO AFTER GRADUATION."

Last, we see Dave spinning a giant glittery wheel beneath a flashing sign that reads "20 BILLION JACKPOT" while a lady in a glittering black dress looks on and an Ernest-looking guy behind a music stand jumps up and down excitedly. Dave freaks out and jumps around excitedly, and the last thing we learn is that "DAVID LEE ROTH WENT TO HOLLYWOOD AND BECAME AMERICA'S FAVORITE T.V. GAME SHOW HOST." Not that far from the truth, honestly. The boys, in their tuxes, take a sort of bow, to much applause.

THE VERDICT Now, I sing this song karaoke a lot, and no one seems to agree on the lyrics. Have we "got it bad" or have we "got it made"? The world may never know. And what is that random interjection toward the beginning? Is it just DLR whooping with glee? Or is it, as many crappy lyrics sites would have it, "my butt!" Much confusion. Nevertheless, "Hot for Teacher" remains a pre-eminent sing-along song, and nothing, not even it's notorious connection to Varsity Blues can take that away from it. It still rocks.

In spite of the fact that I basically hate kids, I've got to admit that I'm a sucker for videos where random little kids play adult musicians. I can't think of many more examples than this one (except for a vague recollection of their being a video where the Notorious B.I.G. and Sean Puffy, among others, are played by kids). Possibly it's not the kid component at all, it's just the idea of getting to dress up as the members of Van Halen and do as they do. Clearly, the stylist on this video was a frickin' genius. The logic these kids' parents used in allowing them to participate in this video, slightly more fuzzy.

None the less, we must thank them, because without their showbiz moms and dads-style instincts we wouldn't have this video. I remember seeing this on Pop-Up Video (try to imagine how much I miss that show. Just try.), and I feel like the pop-ups dealt with that issue somewhat. Anyway, point is, a lot happens in this video, but I don't feel tremendously qualified to comment. Although really it's just that writing that crazy intense description took a hella long time, and now I'm kinda "Hot for Teacher"-ed out.

Ratt, "Wanted Man"

Home, Home on the Strange

THE VIDEO Ratt, "Wanted Man," Out of the Cellar, 1984, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "And by the ro-oh-ope / you will hang / it's your neck / from this Ratt ga-aaaannnnnnnnnng / 'cause I'mmm / a wanted may-an-an"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with Stephen Pearcy and Juan Croucier silhouetted by a spotlight onstage from far away. This zooms out three times as a still shot before it finally starts moving and we hear the crowd cheering. The band takes a bow, and we hear a man's voice saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please" while we suddenly switch to a shot of Ratt's tour bus from the outside, then inside, a not-so-fat looking Robbin Crosby lying down and looking at the camera like he’s really out of it.

The man's voice continues, "I have a special message from Atlantic Records for Ratt," and we see, from inside and then outside of the tour bus, people running up to greet it, then Stephen backstage at a concert dancing around with a fan-made Ratt banner. A marquee (for some place with the word "Bronco" in the name) says "Ratt in concert." Stephen and Bobby Blotzer shake hands with each other in front of the Ratt banner. As bikini-clad women carrying gold records walk onstage, the man's voice says, "Congratulations, your album has just sold one million, five hundred thousand records!" Robbin and Stephen embrace the women, and Warren DeMartini gestures at his as the crowd goes wild.

We then hear a different man's voice say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Ratt!" as the boys triumphantly enter a um, mall. They walk by a Waldenbooks accompanied by uh, hopefully those are cops and not just mall security before taking their seats in front of a Camelot Music. A fan gives Warren a little teddy bear, and a girl with really cool red, white, and blue hair gets stuff signed while we hear a line from the song's chorus playing quietly in the background. We see Robbin signing an autograph from overhead while someone off camera slides a piece of paper into the shot that says "help!"



The tour bus travels on. Inside it we see Stephen holding a drink, then messing with one of his many earrings as we hear a woman's voice saying, "Wow, they're so wild in concert." Another woman laughs and says, "Oh, I lahk 'em all," and another says, "I like the way they dress" as the camera focuses on Warren, who’s wearing a Clockwork Orange t-shirt under a black leather vest. Stephen pretends he's going to eat the earring he just took off. The southern-sounding girl goes, "They look goood, and all the girls were just going crazy 'cause they're just so heavy metal and hardcore" (at least I think this is what she says). We see Robbin (no longer looking slim) passed out, and the bus driver, a skinny older dude with a beard and a Harley Davidson t-shirt.

Next, randomly, we see a cowboy dude nailing a sign up to a board that says "Bulletins," then we see the tour bus pulling into an Old West style town. A mean looking cowboy spits from chewing tobacco, and as we hear wind blowing we see random shots of the desolate looking town.

The band step off the bus, and Stephen says, "What a trip. Think we can get something to eat around here?" Robbin replies, "Let's check this place out, looks like a bar," and Bobby chimes in with, "That ain't no bar, that's a saloon!" while flexing in a most unflattering way. They swing open the doors, and the saloon is completely empty. Juan says, "Wow, this looks just like the Old West!" Off-camera, someone says something unintelligible, to which Bobby replies, "Right, man." We see a Clint Eastwood looking old dude who appears to be in the bar, although it's unclear where, then someone says (again, off camera, otherwise I'd know who it was), "I always wanted to be a cowboy," and another replies "Me too" as the song begins.



Flashpots go off at a Ratt concert, and in the distance we see the members of Ratt, now on horseback and dressed as old-timey cowboys. Shots of them riding slowly toward the camera (with Bobby obviously unable to control his horse even at a walk) are interspersed with concert footage. After Stephen screams "Wanted man!" and jumps around onstage a bunch, we are suddenly back in the saloon, which is still poorly lit (what did they not even have candles in the old west?) but is now crowded with Western folk (crusty-looking dudes, women in showgirl dresses, etc.).

The Clint Eastwood guy nods, and we can see his opponent's hand (a pair of twos and three aces). He looks skeptical and shuffles, then a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold type comes down the stairs. We see a bunch of the guy shuffling the cards, then that woman (who on second thought seems more like a madam) starts working the room. She pulls off a guy who's going too nuts on one of her girls. Then we get some concert shots of an extra-bony looking Warren, which you know I love, followed by some more live stuff of Stephen and the crowd.

Clint, who we now can see is also wearing a sheriff's badge, deals, and a random Old West hussy makes out with some guy. Clint peers over at the guy next to him's hand (which is still two twos and three aces) while noticing something off camera, and we see Ratt riding into town from behind. The guy who was putting up posters before turns around, and we see he's been using a gun as a hammer. Ratt ride into frame, all looking over dubiously. They stop, and Robbin spits. We see one of the posters the guy was hanging up (it's of Robbin in Old West gear) and it says "Wanted the Ratt Gang $10,000 Reward." Robbin and Bobby nod at each other, and the camera pans over to the poster of Stephen. Juan makes a face like he can't read the signs. The guy who was hanging the signs stares in terror, and backs off slowly then runs away.

Back in the saloon, the bartender talks to one of the ladies, who is sitting on the bar. A guy pours his drink into a woman's mouth, then attempts to lick up what she spilled, and the sheriff dude deals yet again. Ratt burst into the bar, which causes the men to just fall on the women for some reason, and the sheriff grins. Stephen, in concert, raises his arms triumphantly, and we stay with Ratt in concert for the rest of the chorus.



The men of the saloon grope the women, and soon enough it gets ugly as (I think) Bobby starts a brawl with one of them that lasts about two seconds (a punch gets thrown, someone gets tossed onto the table where they were playing cards). This causes Ratt (in concert) to gyrate wildly. We get a lot of low shots of Warren playing the solo, then some of Juan making silly faces and Robbin yelling.

As the solo wraps up, we see Old West Robbin looking around, then we see five men (with the sheriff in the middle) lining up to face Ratt in a shootout on the town's main street. The members of Ratt approach, and we see close-ups of different people's faces as they anticipate the duel. There's much trigger-touching, lip-licking, etc.

Ratt draw first, firing madly, while the Old West dudes seem more interesting in spinning their guns around on their fingers. We see random shots of Bobby looking particularly nervous, then Ratt fire more, and we see some shots that imply that the Old West guys get nailed. Suddenly, we see regular Bobby fall backward in a chair in the saloon. The other members of Ratt run over to help him up, and he shakes himself off, looking befuddled. He lets out a puff of smoke and we see that he is clenching a bullet between his teeth. A disgruntled looking Robbin wakes up on the bus and smacks at the camera, then there's a parting shot of the crowd going nuts, which zooms away into the middle of the screen. It was all a dream… or was it?



THE VERDICT Though I like this video (and I love this song), it has caused me much anguish. First, it has taken me four years to get around to adding in pics from the whole "Ratt on tour" prologue, since most versions you'll see have this edited out. This killed me enough that yes, I am adding this bit in now, four years after having originally posted this video. Second, I am greatly grieved by my uncertain identification of Robbin as the guy sleeping on the bus. 1) He looks a bit slim to be Robbin but at the same time 2) The only other person it could be is Bobby, and in the Old West segments of the video, he's got brown hair. Now we all know that 99% of the time Bobby is blonde, but does he really change hair color within the same video? It seems a bit preposterous. And the guy sleeping on the bus seems a bit too good-looking to be Bobby. But at the same time, he simply seems too slender to be Robbin. Sigh. I feel like I've failed you.

Anyway. About the video. If there's one thing that hard rockers love more than dressing up as pseudo-medieval warriors in a post-apocalyptic future (Armored Saint's "Can U Deliver," or Queensryche's "The Queen of the Reich," for example), it's dressing up as cowboys or, at the very least, visiting the Old West (W.A.S.P.'s "Blind in Texas," Van Halen's "Pretty Woman"). Or some combination of the two (Tesla's "Modern Day Cowboy"). Why might this be?

Well, it's not so much the idea of the cowboy per se but the idea of the outlaw that seems to be so appealing -- whether you're "Wanted: Dead or Alive" a la Bon Jovi or a member of "this Ratt gang," the idea is that the band members are outsiders, ne'er-do-wells who’ve come to town to take the women and shoot up the saloon. It doesn't take a genius (or someone with more than a passing acquaintance with heavy metal) to understand why this might be appealing. A huge thematic subgenre in metal concerns persecution, whether real or imagined (Keel's "The Right to Rock," Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" [and uh, most other TS songs], Judas Priest's "Parental Guidance"). Cowboy songs are the more fantastic corollary to the persecution songs --just one of metal's many forms of imagined revenge. The upside to all of this? I've got one word for you: Chaps.

Megadeth, "Symphony of Destruction"

Choose or Lose

THE VIDEO Megadeth, "Symphony of Destruction," Countdown to Extinction, 1992, Capitol

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SAMPLE LYRIC "just like the pi-ee-ed pi-perrr / led rats through-ough-ough the streets / we dance like marion-ettttttes / swaying to the SYM-PHON-AY / of des-truc-tion"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Police on motorcycles ride away from the camera, superimposed in front of flames, superimposed in front of a building that's been painted with the American flag and the words "for the people" (just in case you didn't get where they were going with the rest of it). We see that the police are actually part of a motorcade leading a sedan or limo before that shot fades out. A finger pulls the trigger on a gun, then we have a close-up of an older white guy's face in black and white. When he opens his eye, the iris is bright red. Yes, Dave Mustaine is many things, but subtle is not one of them.

As the song kicks in, we see flames, and Dave's face sort of appears in them, but we quickly cut to a bunch of white good ol' boys (wait, actually there's one black dude there too, on the right) smoking cigars, drinking, laughing, and clapping each other on the shoulders in a restaurant (maybe a country club restaurant -- lots of trees are visible through the window). Feet in boots (attached to legs in jeans) march toward the camera, which is behind bars of some sort. We finally see part of Dave's face, then the camera pans past the good ol' boys to a shot of protesters outdoors by palm trees holding signs that say things like "peace now" being taken down by cops on horses and with night sticks.

We see a quick shot of lots of people approaching a barred gate carrying signs that imply that they're striking workers (guess that's what the legs shot was before), then Marty Friedman, then a close-in shot of the people (all Mexican dudes so far as I can tell) yelling and trying to bust through the gate.

We see some quick shots of stylized slo-mo headbanging, a graffitied wall (a picture of an older white dude that has tags all over it), more protesters being squashed, and the dudes at that restaurant table just having a laugh riot. As the chorus begins, Megadeth are momentarily visible, then the camera pans down past a '92 campaign sign attached to a telephone pole to a crowd of people waiting on a sidewalk to greet a limo that's pulling up. We then quickly see everyone -- Dave Mustaine, Dave Ellefson, Marty, and drummer Nick Menza -- before it's just all flames again.

A white haired dude and a lady in a Chanel-style suit emerge from the limo, and dorky looking white people applaud overly effusively. The politican dude makes a variety of gestures while the building with the American flag painting on it burns in the background, then the camera is above he and his wife as they shake hands with people and have their picture taken. We see many images of both Daves, then a particularly unflattering shot of the politician that's taken from beneath, so that his hearty guffaw looks a bit more sinister.



As Dave M. says "before the head explodes" a pistol fires straight at the camera, and we get more images of the band rocking out (I'm trying to think of a way to explain the way these images look, and I couldn?t figure it out until now -- "Enter Sandman." It is done exactly the same way as the shots of Metallica in "Enter Sandman." Now you get it.)

We briefly see another shot from beneath, which is sort of swirling and disorienting, then flames, then we see the politician dude lying down looking surprised while lots of people touch his face (remember the gunshot from a minute ago? Exactly). The millionth shot of Dave Mustaine sneering from a weird angle is followed by a shot of a homeless looking black man pushing a shopping cart past a store with signs that say "bankrupt" and "going out of business" in its windows, and also "for the people" campaign flyers for the politician. We then see the homeless man reflected in the shiny side of the limo, its window going up (with the politician inside it, waving mindlessly) as it reaches the man. We then see another older black man sitting as a child walks by holding an American flag.

For the guitar solo, we get Megadeth going nuts (naturally) but also the peace protesters from before really screaming too. Marty gets his hands shown a lot, if not his face, then we see a guy leaping over a heavily graffitied bench advertising the politician. Guys in construction hats turn hoses on the strikers behind the gate, and a cop on horseback jumps something as the peace protest devolves into a semi-riot, with a lot of shots of the trashed bench interspersed.

Following some shots of the strikers screaming while being drenched with water, one of the cops on horseback jumps his horse sort of through the bench, destroying it. Dave E. and Marty headbang in unison, and the limo slides by the camera again, this time reflecting bright orange flames on its side as the window goes down revealing the smiling and waving politician.

After lots of flames, we see the gun shooting at the camera again, and a clearer version of that earlier shot (the camera in front of some kind of municipal building tipping up then falling back, basically the pol's p.o.v as he reacts to being shot), then more soaked strikers. The shots zoom back and forth between the utterly wild protesters, the strikers, fire, and Dave M. making faces.

We then see the guys at the table again, and the people clapping, but then suddenly, within the crowd, we see the shooter. It is a black priest (huh?) raising the pistol toward the camera. Wait, then it's a fat older white guy doing it. And then an army guy. Ohhh-kay. It's the other three good ol' boys from the restaurant before, now all assassinating the one guy. Hm.

These are interspersed with images of the American flag painting burning and of course, Megadeth rocking out. Then the politician is grinning and kissing a disinterested baby in front of the burning building. The video ends with a much clearer version of the first image -- just a normal shot of police on motorcycles escorting the limo past the burning building as we hear JFK intoning, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."



THE VERDICT As previously mentioned, neither subtlety nor restraint are included in Megadeth's repetoire. That said, I must say that I watch this video and just think, "man, those were the good old days." I mean, if Dave thought the country was going to shit then... well, none of us knew what was coming. Bush I was, in retrospect, a cakewalk -- and we even got great songs out of it, from Ministry's "N.W.O." to the Geto Boys' "Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangster." Sigh... 1992? Headbanger's Ball (the real one!) was still on, a democrat was in the White House, flannel had not yet completely overtaken spandex... those were the days.

But I digress. What the hell happens in this video? We've got two worlds at work which never quite meet: The world of the people (the strikers, the rioters, etc.) and the world of the politicians (the country club, the limo, the handshaking and adulation). Even when the pols are close to the people -- driving by the homeless, symbolically burning buildings, and so on -- they remain oblivious, the car window providing a shield. All of it seems pretty obvious till we reach the denouement: What to make of the politician's assassination by any one of his comrades? Are we not to worry, for those in power will continuously undermine each other? Or is hope for change worthless, because another crappy leader will always rise to usurp the power of the last one? (Like in Heathers. Or uh, 1984.) After all, when the video ends, the building may be mostly burned down but the motorcade is still rolling.

One would think the lyrics might provide a clue, but one would be wrong. The song begins with the whole "you take a mortal man / and put him in control" thing, again sort of a 1984-style analysis, so you think to yourself, "Ok, I guess humans make for crap leaders." But then in the next verse you've got "acting like a robot / it?s metal brain corrodes." Apparently, robots (or computers) are not fit to lead either. With the final verse, however, you've got "a peaceful man stands tall." So maybe it's just all about being anti-war. Or maybe it's not about being a human or a robot or whatever, but about being the right kind of human. Oh oh, I've got it -- maybe it's about getting a democrat into the white house! Maybe I should listen to this song more....

Just when I thought it was safe to interpret this video: Alternate version alert! The original edit of this video features (toward the middle, when the pol is first shot) footage of an actual, random gunman firing multiple bullets at the politician. The gunman is seen from straight on and then from overhead, followed by much more graphic reaction shots of the politician (there's no blood, but his agony is much more obvious). In the version shown on MTV etc., this sequence is mostly replaced by the more suggestive point of view shots and footage of a handgun being fired straight at the camera. Anyway, with the addition of that, it's a much more straightforward assassination, and the other dudes with guns at the end are, I suppose, meant to be taken as completely symbolic -- sort of like, none of these people are actually allied with each other.

I also tracked down yet another version that keeps almost none of this footage -- the strikers still appear, and the gun firing, and the band footage is the same, but that's it. The rest of the video is footage of a conductor and orchestra interspersed with film of stuff blowing up -- a totally literal "Symphony of Destruction."

Kix, "Don't Close Your Eyes"

Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It!)

THE VIDEO Kix, "Don't Close Your Eyes," Blow My Fuse, 1988, Atlantic Records

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Don't close yourrr eyeeeeeeeeees / don't close yourrr eyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eyyyyyyyyyes / don't sing yourrrr laaaaaaaaaaaaaast lull-a-byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION In the distance, cars go around a tall bluff beside the ocean, and in the foreground, there's lots of sand and scrubby beach plants (oh yeah, this is in black and white, p.s. btw). The camera pans left, showing more of the ocean, and as the synthesizer kicks in an image of hands playing a keyboard is superimposed above it. The camera continues left till we can't see as much ocean and are seeing scrubby dunes again, while a sort of "ocean wind" sound effect plays. The camera finally finds and focuses in on one especially crappy looking plants that's apart from the rest.

This fades into a black and white shot of a pretty blonde girl staring at something off-camera. In the background, the leaves of a tree outside the window have been colored in in a fluorescent reddish pink. We then see Kix, playing beneath spotlights set up on a pair of cherry pickers. Though it's black and white the spotlights are sort of highlighting them in this reddish pink color.

We only really get a look at Steve Whiteman before we're back with the girl, who's walking in front of a wall of windows. She's wearing a white button-down shirt tucked into very high-waisted, very shredded jeans. Many of the leaves of the tree outside are red, and her outfit has been shaded a bit red too. The camera goes in for a closer look at the leaves, then we fade into Steve again.

We then finally see the other member of Kix, who are all dressed it would seem as members of different bands. Steve is wearing all skintight black leather. Jimmy Chalfant is wearing a leather jacket over a Zildjian tee. Donnie Purnell is the only member still rocking the Cool Kids look, though I must also say his hair looks like someone threw it up onto his head.

Brian Forsythe is doing a passable Tom Keifer impression with mega-thick black locks, an blousy shirt worn open with a vest over it, and lots of jewelry. Ronnie Younkins is wearing a floppy velvet hat and sort of a dark-colored poet blouse plus a very large necklace (think Faster Pussycat circa 1990).



As the first chorus begins, we see a shot from beneath of something unidentifiable, then the girl looking wistful, with what appears to be a photo of another woman semi visible in the background. Then we're back with Kix, and every last one of them is doing a heck of a job. There's a dramatic pose for every power chord. I love it.

For the second verse, we fade into a shot of the girl lying down on a couch (there's a thoroughly unidentifiable triangular object in the foreground). We then see her from overhead, laying with her left hand across her stomach while looking at something we can't see clearly in her right hand. The camera pans across the room, past a tv that's on and what looks like a decorative ashtray till it comes to focus on a prescription bottle filled with pills (the pills have been colored in bright blue so you can't miss them).

She continues looking elegantly despondent on her couch while the various members of Kix continue artfully tossing about their hair and leaning against each other. It begins gently misting on them as Steve takes us into the bridge. We briefly see a shot of a person in boots stepping on that crappy looking plant from the beginning of the video, and the girl briefly clutches at her stomach in pain.

Jimmy runs a stick through those hangy windchime things, and Brian (or is it Ronnie?) heads into the solo. We see the image of hands playing a keyboard again, now with an image of a woman's finger dialing a phone superimposed over it (it dials 5-7-4, for those who like to watch closely). We then see the girl lying on her stomach, propping herself up with one arm to talk on the phone. There's a lamp on on a table by her heard, and a framed photograph of someone on the table also. The girl lets the phone drop, looking absolutely spent, and we see a bicycle running over that crappy beach plant as she throws the phone down and rests her head on the couch.

This causes everyone in Kix to go nuts, and we see again that weird image I couldn't identify before -- it's a door closing (it was hard to tell because it's from the point of view of being in a dark room with the light on the other side of the door, and also it's shot on an angle so it's not a very natural viewpoint). We then see the girl again, now lying on her back, being consumed by darkness.

This causes the members of Kix to frantically thrash about as never before, as if all that will save her is their hair moving as quickly as possible. Somehow, it works. The girl sits up, looking pretty bedraggled, and grabs the pill bottle off of the coffee table. She smashes it down, spilling the pills, and Steve continues his entreaties, strangling his mic with one hand while gesticulating wildly with the other.



The video closes with the keyboard hands (again), superimposed over an image of the crappy beach plant -- which is now in color and has little pink flowers on it -- and the girl (also now in color), standing next to it. She stares at it like she has never seen a plant before and does not know what it is. The plant is the last thing we see.

THE VERDICT It is tempting to make fun of Kix. Oh, so tempting. I mean, for one, they named themselves after a good-for-you children's cereal (p.s. be forewarned -- I couldn't find a legit link, and this one is crazy. Who knew that "the bible clearly states that the deliberate misspelling of any word in a breakfast cereal name is an affront to god and Christianity?" I'm no religious scholar, but I'm pretty sure that one's not in there).

Two, while totally crappy bands from Loudness to Loverboy (and uhh, much more of the alphabet) managed to get decent coverage in rags like Hit Parader, Kix were forced to run an ad near the back of the book urging readers to join their fan club.

Three, clearly somewhere between Midnite Dynamite and Blow My Fuse, they decided that they had hit upon the ultimate sexual metaphor when they chanced to write several tunes referencing explosives. And four, they're from Baltimore. Need I say more?

I need. Or rather, I do need. Because, you see, in spite of the many counts against them, Kix are just darn good. Yes, Steve's -- I can't even call it a falsetto really -- singing voice can be tiresome (and not just because it is impossible to sing along with). But give the guy a break -- he looks like an amazing cross between Robin Zander and David St. Hubbins, and his stage presence is awfully appealing.

Also, Kix dress like they shop at the Goodwill, which clearly I totally respect. I can't remember the last time I wanted to wear a denim vest this badly. Point is, Kix are decent, in spite of Maryland, the crap fan club, etc.

Which brings me around to the video. The whole black and white with painted on color thing, I must say, I am not a fan of. I am, however, a fan of the girl in the video, because her attire brings back so many memories. Sigh... the glory days of jeans with ten thousand carefully created holes in them.

But back to the not-a-fan part: The whole plot with the girl is fine, makes sense, and goes with the lyrics (which I think are great). But what is up with that shrub on the beach? How the hell does that plant's wellbeing impact hers? I mean, someone runs the thing over with a bike and she drops the phone? Does that mean that at the end, when she casts away her pills and we later see her and the plant revived, the scene that was edited out was of the plant being watered? Go figure. I had seen this video a jillion times, but somehow the subplot with the plant had escaped me until now. Thank goodness I am bringing it to light for you all (whoever the two of you are).

P.S.: Glorious, large, higher-res photos added to this post April 2010

Anthrax feat. Public Enemy, "Bring the Noise"

Public Enemies

THE VIDEO Anthrax featuring Public Enemy, "Bring the Noise," Attack of the Killer B's, 1991, Island (also available on Public Enemy's Apocalypse 91…The Enemy Strikes Black, 1991, Def Jam)

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "TURN IT UP! / Bring the noise! / [sound of record scratching]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with many frenetic, panning shots of Anthrax and Public Enemy jamming amidst more speakers than Spinal Tap. They're beneath an unidentified Chicago bridge, and the crowd is going nuts. A pre-VH1-overexposure-victim Flavor Flav jumps down in front of the camera to kick off the song by delivering his signature "Yeah boyee!" while the camera flashes back and forth between him and the crowd.

Next we get Chuck D's booming "Bass! How low can you go?" which is sort of the if-you-don't-recognize-the-song-by-now… moment. Everyone is kind of crammed onto the tiny stage -- between the enormity and overabundance of the speakerage and the fact that between the five members of Anthrax and three from P.E. (only Flav and Chuck are presumed present -- unless the S1Ws are down working security in the pit) it's a bit crowded.

Anyway, Flavor Flav's additions to the song (if you're not familiar, he frequently punctuates the verses by saying the last word of each line along with Chuck or yelling a non sequitur) keep causing different stuff to happen onscreen -- for example, when he yells "D!" a large, red letter d appears onscreen, and when he yells "Freeze!" both he and Chuck D appear superimposed over Dan Spitz, who then is seen making a crazy face (p.s. check out that link -- kind of amazing).

All of the members of Anthrax are going nuts (at least the ones we’ve seen). Scott Ian has been frantically headbanging the whole time, showing off his scary Hare Krishna-style braid, the last vestige of his long hair (uh, actually of all of his hair. Not counting the ZZ Top goatee).



Charlie Benante, as always, has a smile for the camera when it comes around, and is sometimes caught singing along -- such a cutie! His long hair, though not long for this world, is pulled back in a braid in this vid. (To their credit though, both Scott and Charlie are possible exceptions to my "everyone looks better with long hair" rule -- the fact that I even consider it a possibility says a lot of them). But as always, the piece de resistance is Frank Bello. He looks absolutely gorgeous, as always (and it kills me, kills me, that there is no decent link for him!).

Frank, Scott, and Dan are all sort of standing over Charlie while Chuck and Flav run in front of them. As we near the first chorus, we see Chuck superimposed in front of hands playing a black guitar (which is in turn superimposed in front of flashing crowd shots. Blue electrical wires, then more crowd shots appear behind him. As the chorus begins, the first person we see yelling "turn it up!" is Joey Belladonna, shown inexplicably behind a pair of turntables. The other band members take turns shouting it while continuing their frenetic performance, and the camera swings wildly over the crowd.

Chuck D begins the second verse rapping in front of computer animated images of uh… I guess I'd have to say they're stylized renditions of speakers, but I wouldn’t necessarily say "style" was in any away involved here. The background flashes between white and black, and finally Chuck throws his fist and we're back beneath the bridge, where an elevated subway train is going by in the background as the crowd waves its hands wildly. Initially just Chuck and Flav, but eventually everyone, appear mugging for the camera in front of more random red and blue-colored shots of what appear to be telephone poles as well as blue and white-tinted film of skateboarders.

With the second chorus, Joey makes more of a show of pretending to scratch records, which is just sort of depressing (where the hell is Terminator X? It's sort of like the reverse of "Walk This Way," which had all of Run-D.M.C. present but only 2/5 of Aerosmith).

And of course, the third verse, which begins with everyone sort of rapping along ends up with just Scott (yes, Scott) rapping. All of Anthrax and P.E. are shown mingling superimposed in front of footage of the bridge they were playing beneath in the other shots as well as other random stuff (a highway, at one point Scott is playing in front of one of those old-timey film number-countdown things -- I'm sure there is a word for what I'm talking about but I definitely don't know it).



The rest of the crew help him out by yelling along Flavor Flav-style on key lines, but it's mostly just Scott. I don't usually think of him as having much of a New York accent but he sounds really New Yawky here. In between showing him, we also see the other band members being silly for the camera -- Dan makes a face while appearing to fly directly above the crowd, and at one point Charlie, Joey, and Flav are all standing together playing snare drums.

As the third chorus begins, we're back onstage with everyone. Flav has put on his little hand-shaped sunglasses and what appears to be a Donald Duck hat (like those caps you get at Disney that are like, the top half of his face) and stands in the center of the stage looking like he has no idea what's going on. Chuck jumps off a riser for the zillionth time, and oh! Praise be! Terminator X it appears has at long last shown up, so Joey's just watching him scratch. At the same time though, Scott's guitar is long gone, he's now holding just a mic. Frank keeps putting his leg up on Charlie's bass drum to play… oh, so hot.

The camera goes wild and the background strobes as the song nears its climax, with everyone vocalizing one of the original song's stranger samples (the best I can approximate with oenomatopeia is this "deer-neer-neer, deer-neer-neer"). Flav continues to look befuddled, and Anthrax for the most part abandon their instruments and just dance around.

Scott and Chuck share the final verse, standing in front of the crappy computer-generated speakers, which are now sort of slowly rotating. We then see them rapping onstage, and, of course, everyone joins in on the "roll with the rock stars STILL NEVER GET ACCEPTED AS." Then Scott and Chuck are shown in front of footage of (probably Scott's hands) playing guitar -- his hands and arms look normal, the rest looks like a negative.

A crowd member (ahem, stuntman) takes a spectacular dive from atop the mountain of speakers as the verse ends, and then the crappy speaker graphics begin strobing in front of footage of the bands onstage and everyone thrusts their fists as the song reaches its conclusion. Flav makes a pained face, and we see footage of Charlie drumming, then Flav, flashing back and forth between the two of them while Chuck, Scott et al. boogie down onstage.



THE VERDICT Will we ever solve the riddle of what was truly the seminal rap-rock fusion tune? Who can we blame for Fred Durst? While the former will forever be argued, and the latter well, I don't think I can bring myself to wish that distinction on anyone, it is without doubt that Rick Rubin played a big part in it. Let me just say it loud and clear for everyone: Rick Rubin is the man! (In the most positive sense that one can be "the man.")

Now I know you're scratching your head like, wait, Rick Rubin did not produce this song, nor either of the above-mentioned albums it appears on. He did, however, produce the soundtrack to one of my all-time favorite movies, Less Than Zero (which is also hands-down my all-time favorite book and damn near my all-time favorite soundtrack), which is where P.E.'s original version of "Bring the Noise" first appeared (yes, before It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, which Rubin also executive produced).

What else has Rick Rubin produced? Run-D.M.C. (he was particularly instrumental in convincing them to cover "Walk This Way"), Slayer (who rule), LL Cool J (way back before he was all "Mr. Smith" and stuff), and, getting to my point, the Beastie Boys (who he also talked into adding rock riffs to Licensed to Ill -- think Zep's "The Ocean" on "She's Crafty”" and Kerry King's guitar on "No Sleep Till Brooklyn").

Where am I going with this? Oh yeah, right. Even though Anthrax (to the best of my knowledge) never worked with Rick Rubin, they were clearly deeply influenced by his work. Just look at "I'm the Man" -- it's like a more rockin', less sample-heavy "Cooky Puss" (and lest we forget that in the video Scott's wearing a P.E. t-shirt, if I remember correctly… I may be thinking of "Caught in a Mosh" though).

So how'd they get together? (Besides Scott's being a P.E. superfan?) I totally don't know the answer, but I did some digging and found this info on yes, MTV of all places. But you know, it's a "this week in 1991" thing, so it's just a flashback to when MTV was worth watching (don't get me started on that subject). Anyway, it's kind of cool, and has thoughtful quotes from both Scott and Chuck on their decision to work together, and you can also see a clip of Scott talking about the song on MTV News. (You can also learn about what inspired C&C Music Factory's "Things That Make You Go Hmmm," but that's another story).

Anyway, why the meandering, half-baked diatribe? Welll because one, the video doesn't have a whole hell of a lot for me to talk about that I haven't said already above. Two, I wanted to give a shout-out to Rick Rubin, without whom this song would not have existed, and who I think is a frickin' genius. And three, I wanted to lay out what I believe are some of the (very legit) foundations of this song, since a lot of critics hate it. Would it have been better if Chuck had done more of (or all of) the rapping? Probably, yeah.

At the same time though, when you compare it to more recent rap-rock tracks, it absolutely holds its own. It just depends how you're looking at it. It is interesting that on allmusic, the review of Attack of the Killer B’s refers to this track as "slamming," "highly influential," and "classic," while the site's review of Apocalypse 91 describes it as a "leaden, pointless remake." I think the answer's somewhere in between. And no, Fred Durst is not their fault.

Krokus, "Screaming in the Night"

The Stuff of Nightmares

THE VIDEO Krokus, "Screaming in the Night," Headhunter, 1983, Arista

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Screamin' in the night / fightin' for my life / I di-iiied for you / I knew it all along / headed for the sun / our loooo-ooove was true"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with a head-on shot of some bizarrely dressed women doing a high-kicking dance with some kind of strange structure in the background. Because the film has some kind of weird effect going on in order to make the sky all black, it's hard to tell exactly what's happening. Anyway, they do slo-mo jumps and kicks while carrying giant staffs and wearing outfits made of various leather scraps tied to their bodies sort of randomly.

This shot fades into one of a number of plainly dressed people wearing metal masks or helmets who are all pulling a large wagon. We quickly see the band, then see a woman in a black leotard waving something around. Then we see the band again -- the guitarists are standing up on some sort of platform, while the lead singer is clad in nothing but a loincloth (and what the hell is that giant thing between his legs! Who are they kidding! If that thing were real, it would mean the guy from Black Oak Arkansas was hung like a toddler, if you see what I'm saying). He's sort of semi-crucified on a wooden thing.

The camera then pans past a strange open-air structure decorated by mannequin legs. It enables us to see that the Krokus dude is being pulled forward on the back of a wagon (probably the wagon we saw the front of before). Behind him are coming a punch of people in blue-gray coveralls and black hoods or masks carrying a wooden casket on their shoulders while more women do goofy modern dance moves alongside them. Other people walk behind them carrying staffs and such, most of whom are festively dressed in sort of a pseudo-Renaissance fashion.

Next we see more hapless masked men, these ones are using rope to drag along an old car that has had its windows painted over (what the hell was the point of this? I know I could say that for anything I've described so far, but this detail really begs the question). As the song finally starts, we get a close-up of the singer getting all growly as he sings whilst chained to that post thing. Next we jump back to the beginning of the procession, and the lady in the black leotard (who appears to be layering it over loose gray sweatpants tucked into knee-high black boots). She's carrying a helmet, too, and for no reason, the sky has turned red.

Now Mr. Krokus is not on the cross and he has been given his shirt back. He's walking along face-to-face with a Pat Benatar-ish girl in a silvery corset thing, both appear to have their hands tied behind their backs. The leotard lady leads the group up to that big cage from "Rock You Like a Hurricane," only now it's outside in a sort of post-apocalyptic courtyard. We can see pinkish-red clouds in the distance and people (guards?) standing on top of buildings. Along with a ton of masked men, she throws the whole band into the cage, and at the last minute pulls out the girl. The Krokus dude runs over to the fence, and the girl calls out as the lady drags her away toward some stairs.



A bunch more masked folk turn a giant contraption, and fake lightning flickers in the sky as the leotard lady drags the girl through a crowded marketplace full of futuristic weirdos. The lady shoves people aside while dragging the girl. They finally make it up to the same set they use in Krokus' "Eat the Rich" video, which is some statues beside several tiers of stairs leading up to a throne with a giant spire coming out of it. Tons of the masked guys are standing guard all over it, and there are people doing fruity partner dances too.

The lady pulls the girl to the top of all the stairs, where she gives her over to a heavy bald bearded dude who is sitting in the throne. He's dressed sort of like a futuristic biker dude, with an army helmet and vest on but also a big cape. He nods approval and then grabs the girl, who struggles with him. He cackles as they forcibly embrace.

A shot of a fake sunset fades to black to establish that it is now night. A hand reaches out to the face of the Krokus dude, who is sleeping on the floor of the cage. He startles, but then realizes it's the girl. He of course gets up right away to make out with her, but then the evil bald dude runs in and grabs her away. We see the Krokus dude's insanely lame reaction shot as the bald guy pulls out a knife and stabs her. He laughs all crazily as her body slumps to the ground with a line of blood above her right breast.

The scene fades out, and we again see the masked coverall guys carrying a wooden coffin with some dancers cavorting about behind them. They are followed by more of the same guys carrying the Krokus dude (shirtless yet again) chained to a platform thing. The sky is artificial black again, and they carry the whole kit and caboodle into a smallish striped pyramid thing with some statuary outside of it. They load it all in, and the bald dude waves his arm around, and they seal off the entrance.

Fake lightning strikes the point of the pyramid, and the assembled crowd scatters. Lightning then strikes the door of bricks that they just propped up, and it falls over. Lastly, lightning strikes inside the pyramid, causing the chains binding the Krokus dude to disappear, and he sits up and rubs his wrists. There is a small explosion behind him, causing a burst of light from a box. He goes over to the box and finds sneakers, jeans, and a lame, pirate-esque shirt, which he puts on. A trap door opens in the floor, and he looks over and then heads over to it. As he runs he peeks out the main door again, and sees the masked guards approaching, so he hauls ass through that trap door.

Coming out the other side, he finds himself climbing down a ladder into a diner. He looks around the whole room -- yes, typical urban diner -- and is rubbing a hand through his curly locks when he realizes the waitress is the leotard lady. And then, the cook is the bearded dude! And then, there on the TV hanging above the counter, there's him and his band playing on the futuristic set!



He makes a disgusted face, and as that ends the TV changes over to a blue screen that says "Rock + Roll" on it in white and the VJ is none other than the love interest from the future. In his shock, openmouthed, he climbs up onto the counter and walks across it, stepping into everyone's food and knocking over cups and plates along the way. The last four people at the counter (who are especially disheveled and not really eating) are the other band members, and they all look up at him, as does the chef dude from his little window.

The Krokus dude grabs the sides of the TV and sings the final chorus to it, giving it all he's got. The leotard lady/sassy waitress nods her approval. Two of the band members look up at him, one holding a coffee cup and the other gesturing while holding half a sandwich in his mouth. The girl on TV just goes on talking, oblivious to his remonstrations, and he makes many, many wussy faces. The last shot we see is of one of his bandmates looking up at him while pouring the entire sugar container out onto his plate.

THE VERDICT It's been a while since I've done a video that's pretty ridiculous and requires truly excessive description, but whatever, I'm worth it. But is Krokus? Though not pretty boys by any stretch of the imagination, these five Swiss lads are considered by many to be the lowest of the low. The All Music Guide, which normally can find something good to say about practically anybody (at the very least, they find in favor of the bands via their having been "underappreciated," "underrated," etc.), dishes out nothing but bile for Krokus. Ok, wait -- at least I thought they did. Reading this again, it is sounding not so harsh. Jeez, did they retract their previous statements about the band being musically inept opportunists looking to make a quick buck? I'm confused. Oh man, it seems that Headhunter has even been made an album pick.

A-ha! Here's what I'm remembering -- not the band bio, but the album review. Here's but a taste to whet your palate: "Shameless bandwagon hoppers that they were... singer generally makes a nuisance of himself with his grating speech... guitarist Fernando Von Arb's incessant pouting remains an especially horrifying image...." Okay, so it's not actually quite as bad as I remembered. But still.

Do they deserve it? Well, maybe. Much of the criticism involves their having been a crappy prog rock band who spotted a quick buck when they switched to metal (this fad was a precursor to the numerous glam metal bands who switched to heavier stuff, not all of whom are necessarily bad -- viz. Pantera). I'm not sure if the name was a leftover from their trippier days or if in Switzerland crocuses are considered more badass than they are over here (they are, after all, very hardy flowers), though simply changing the C's to K's doesn't make it that badass. It reminds me of that Danish band D:A:D (a/k/a "Disneyland After Dark") -- could no English speaker at their record label tell them that that acronym was not so badass across the pond?



I digress. To me, Krokus' weak point is neither their name nor their willingness to change genres. Their wussiness stems from two things. First, for every single they put out that was actually an original song, they also put out one that was an abominably crappy cover (e.g., "Ballroom Blitz," "School's Out"). Their original songs are no picnic either (particularly "Midnight Maniac," which is kind of unbelievably bad), but at least on those you feel like they're sort of trying.

The second thing is the tendency of their non-performance videos to hinge upon a relationship between the toad-like lead singer (who's also got to be what, like 5'6" max?) and an 80s babe. Like David Coverdale, this dude is no stranger to the open-mouthed kiss on camera. But compared to this guy, David Coverdale is a total fox. Apparently they didn't think the rest of the band was even worth showing off stateside, as they tend to figure into their videos very, very little. Now sure, those dudes are not good looking, but they really believed the lead singer was so good looking that he needed to be shirtless practically at all times? This I find hard to believe.

Also, what the hell happened in this video? (Besides that the record company was like "We built this set, and you need to use it at least twice" -- and apparently later it was lent out for Babylon A.D.'s craptastic "Hammer Swings Down.") I'm guessing it was like, he had this whole persecuted in the future nightmare, and then he woke up.... Uh okay, maybe it's like, he works in the diner, or he lives upstairs from it, and he had this nightmare that he was in the future and his evil coworkers were running everything and he had this hot girlfriend from TV but like, they were unjustly persecuted? And then he woke up and came back down to work, and couldn't believe that like, it was such a coincidence that that girl was on TV? So he decided to make a big mess on the counter? Or something?

Note: To give credit where credit (or perhaps blame) is due, the members of Krokus are vocalist Marc Storace, guitarist Fernando Von Arb, guitarist Mark Kohler, drummer Freddy Steady, and bassist Chris Von Rohr.

Another note: Yes, I'll fix these murky-ass photos as soon as I can -- I am in the process of upgrading my computer to OSX four years too late, so it may be a while before I can actually get anything done.

A last note: It took me fully five years to actually get around to updating these images (9/6/10). What can I say -- while my personal technology has advanced by leaps and bounds, the quality of the copies of Krokus videos floating around out there has remained static.

Slaughter, "Up All Night"

Who Killed 80s Metal?

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Up All Night," Stick It to Ya, 1990, Chrysalis

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SAMPLE LYRIC "[Awake from dusk till dawn] / watcheeeng the sceeeeeeene at niiii-iiiii-iiiight / [stars are shining down] / they'lllllllll be shining down on you and I / and I'll hold you till the mornnnnnnning liiiiiiii-iiiiiiiight / Everybody sing it now! / Up! All! Night! / Sleep all day!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with dramatic footage of a fiery sun setting behind clouds, which transitions into a Frederic Church-esque sunset shown from beneath.

We go from these picturesque scenes to a uh, well, it's a metal barrel or trashcan with a fire burning in it, an behind it we can see a tall slim woman walking two Doberman Pinschers. We then see the back of a leather jacket with the word "stick" clearly legible in metal studs. A person passes in front of the camera, and we see a man in jeans and a fedora and a woman wearing a skirt and boots both sitting on either a broken-down couch or just piles of something against a brick wall. Based on the light projected onto the wall behind them, they seem to be sitting beside a swimming pool (they're not, but it's that kind of wiggly light).

A bunch of red neon lights squiggle past, then we see a man in a suit standing next to a sign in the shape of a Chinese or Japanese character reflected in a car window. The window rolls down to briefly reveal a strangely lit, bored-looking woman. We cut to a black and white shot of a boot tapping on the floor, then see from above the man opening the car's door and the woman's legs sliding out.

The woman who was sitting against the wall takes off the guy's hat and puts it on herself, doing a sassy turn. She's wearing a sort of cropped blazer over a very full knee-length skirt -- it's almost like, you know, in case you forgot it's 1989, there's your cue. She shakes her butt, and the camera pans down and shows the reflection of this in a puddle. Then we see the woman, having gotten out of the car, stepping pretty much out of frame.

Finally, the song starts, and we get some quickly cut together shots of Blas Elias and Tim Kelly before what can only be Mark Slaughter's stunt double jumps off of a riser and lands to do a somersault while Dana Strum jumps across his path.

The (probably) real Mark proceeds to start doing some wussy dancing, which we see for a little while. The band are playing in one of those sets where it's like a warehouse full of random crap piled up -- you know there’s a giant fan in there somewhere, a lot of large discarded signs, and probably Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation warming up in one of the other rooms.



We cut to a shot of a slithery woman's legs in a long, sheer skirt, before coming back to see Blas standing up to bang on some cymbals hanging overhead before Mark starts singing. He grips the mic stand with one hand and focuses much energy on looking steamy, which is hard when you sing in a falsetto. Cut to a rain-spattered sidewalk, following stilleto'd legs walking the pair of Dobermans. We briefly see a black and white shot of a woman rubbing her head and looking positively orgasmic, but it's mostly just Slaughter dancing around.

Then we go to a spotlit woman dancing around in the rain on a fire escape. She's whipping her hair everywhere, but mostly arching her back and rubbing her studded leather bustier thing (it reminds me of when Beavis and Butt-head watch the Danger Danger video for "Naughty Naughty," and they see a sexy silhouette of a woman, and Beavis says something like, "Whoa, Butt-head check out that chick! I think she's hurt or something, her back's all bent out of shape!" and Butt-head says, "No, dumbass when a chick's got her back all bent like that it means she's hot." Same era, same idea).

A guitar is strummed, Mark pouts, and as Blas tosses his mane to the back we can for the first time see the bass drums propped on their sides behind him: "Stick It to Ya" and "This Space for Rent." What, Slaughter lame? Anyway, we’re back in the alley with that girl dancing around. She's taken off her jacket to reveal a satiny bra. This makes the backlit Slaughter (sorry, Mark Slaughter that is!) shake his hair back and forth, while a square grid of lights to one side of him keeps turning on and off.

Leather bustier woman goes nuts in some steamy fog, and then Mark does the lamest dance ever (it's like a slightly more metal version of the cabbage patch). We then see a woman with a truly prodigious amount of blonde hair wearing a suit with truly prodigious shoulder pads. She spins to walk toward… a ton of water spraying out of something, maybe an opened hydrant.

Back at the mic, Mark smiles a lot (it's the shot that always gets used when VH-1 is like "Slaughter were the lameasses who ruined metal for everyone," which they always sort of claim). He bops around and semi-mimes the lyrics while the rest of the band sing along. Have I mentioned yet that he is wearing ripped jeans, a white tank top, and a black leather vest? No? Well, he is.

Next we see a red-lipped blonde in black sunglasses in front of the neon signs from earlier. Soon after, we see her defending her satiny skirt from a sudden, very low to the ground gust of wind. The guy by the wall coughs and stands up, while the now fully jacketless brunette dances on. Her one move seems to be holding her arms by her head while she gyrates her hips. The guy goes and stands by himself. Slaughter continue goofing off and sort of rocking out, and that blonde (who now has caught hold of her dress) gives the camera a look, and we see the leather bustier girl, all worn out, leaning against a wall by a different neon sign. Oh, nope, now she’s dancing around in the fog again. Never mind.



The band members all sing along, and the shoulderpad lady walks her dogs in silhouette while water sprays behind her. A couple pass in front of her as she appears to walk through a construction site. The bustier lady is back on her fire escape, and apparently it's raining again. Slaughter seem to redouble their efforts at screaming "Up all night!" with as much vigor and passion as possible, the camera cutting between them so itis like Blas yells "up" and shakes his hair, then Mark yells "all" and grins, and Dana yells "night!" and tosses his hair.

As we head toward the solo and Mark's wish to stay up 24 hours a day, we see a guy in jeans and one of those horrible haircuts every man in America had at some point between 1988 and 1992 -- you know, shaved to the ears, and long on top. Hideous. He tries to follow the blonde and her Dobies. She blows him off, and he does a very exaggerated spin and kick that puts me in mind of like, every commercial for everything from the early 90s and also begs the question, are those Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing? (If you're thinking of clicking that bad boy, scroll to the bottom paragraph to see where I was going with that one.) Mark spins and the guy does an additional fruitless kick before the solo begins.

During the solo, we see more shots of the two main women, plus lots of Mark and Dana headbanging in tandem. They even let Mark hold a guitar. Blas pouts ridiculously, and in some shots Mark has the guitar while in others he's just high-stepping and pumping his fist. Everyone spins their guitars around their necks, and Mark does his cabbage patch dance again. The leather bustier woman appears to be reaching the height of ecstasy out there on her fire escape.

As they reprise the chorus, all women in the video give the camera knowing looks, and the blonde continues to lead her dogs through the construction even though a big rig is coming up behind them and yet another fire hydrant explodes. Mark shares his microphone with his bandmates, who at this point (and who can blame them? They've probably been doing it for hours) are just screaming "up all night!" with their mouths wide open. Both Dana and Tim have like, spasms where they stare at their guitars and then jerk their heads back, jaws agape.

The song concludes with Mark pumping his fist one last time. We see Blas' actual bass drum with the band's logo on it, then the leather bustier lady calming down and stepping away from the camera, then we pan across a puddle to find the girl and guy now sitting peaceably together beside the brick wall. The chauffeur dude gets back in the front seat of the car and closes the door, and after he slams it we see clouds racing across the sky, followed by the sun rising once more.



THE VERDICT Slaughter are a pretty horrible band, but I am going to go out on a limb here and note that this is not that bad of a song. Okay, except for the very beginning and the end -- the kids singing "America the Beautiful" are both annoying and pointless, as are the sirens and crap, although those are at least like "night noises" or what have you. But anyway yeah, I don't think this is a terrible song. It's very accessible. I like the verses fairly well. Mark Slaughter's voice is, as always, a bit high-pitched for my taste, but since this is sort of a scream-along song, it doesn’t matter too much.

Now I recognize and I admit that at at least one time in the not-so-distant past, I made a statement to the effect that if I could time travel, I would go to 1990 to get on Mark Slaughter. These were, clearly, ill-advised remarks, as Slaughter are hella lame (even if Mark himself is honestly, not a bad looking guy and in fact, seems to get better looking with age). This is really their only half-decent song, and if reports are true, they're basically all assholes (or at the least, Dana and Blas are. Mark's their pawn, and well, Tim's dead, so you can’t really criticize him).

On these reports, I can't really comment, but on the oft-made observation that Slaughter somehow were the death knell of great 80s metal I will. In a nutshell: They weren't. Yes, they tried to get away with wearing flannel shirts whilst incorporating the overall aesthetic of Guess? Jeans ads. Yes, Mark's a cute kid. But honestly, this is not what killed 80s metal. Nirvana's Nevermind isn't even what killed it.

What killed it was the insane glut of abominably crappy bands signed during the period when every record company's A&R guys were just looking for any act with a lot of hair and a lead singer with decent cheekbones, thinking that those two factors were what was making records sell -- truly pathetic tripe merchants like Shotgun Messiah, Vain, Babylon AD, Dangerous Toys, Bulletboys, and Danger Danger (jeez – mentioning them twice in one writeup), to name a very few (many thanks to this amazing site, which does an awesome job of actually finding information on some pretty thankless bands). I would argue 110% that it was hideous acts like these (which make mid-level bands like White Lion seem like visionaries and true artists) that brought mighty metal to its knees, not Mark Slaughter's chipper dance moves.

Iron Maiden, "The Number of the Beast"

Mystery Science Theater 1982  

THE VIDEO Iron Maiden, "The Number of the Beast," The Number of the Beast, 1982, Capitol  

SAMPLE LYRIC "Six! Six, six! / Tha nummmberrrr of the beeeeeast! / Six! Six! Six! The one for youuu and meeeeeee!" 

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION As per many Iron Maiden videos, this video opens with a clip from an old movie, in this case, The Wolfman, which, unlike most of the movies they use (a) is not silent and (b) I've actually seen in its entirety. Of course, it's been a while, so I'll have to look it up and verify my basic plot description: As I remember it, a man travels to a town that has itself a little werewolf problem. He gets bitten by it, and his only hope is to find this old gypsy woman who can cure him. Possibly, I think she meets an untimely end before he finds her. 

[Okay, I looked it up, here's what really happens in a nutshell: A British expat returns home to claim his lordship, falls for a girl, buys a cane with a wolf's head on it from her, and saves her friend from a werewolf – which does manage to bite him first – by clubbing it to death with his cane. Werewolfiness ensues, and a gypsy woman does indeed dispatch much useful info.] 

 I'm not sure what part of the movie the clip they use is from – I want to say the end, but I'm not sure. Anyway, in this clip, the wolfman is wandering around in the fog in the cemetery (Priory Cemetery, to be precise), and he eventually comes to the door to a mausoleum and turns to look over his shoulder. 

In the meantime, we hear a Vincent Price-sounding dude (whose spookiness has since been severely tempered by his participation in The Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby Doo, not to mention "Thriller" — apparently Maiden couldn’t afford the big Hanna Barbera-style bucks VP was demanding, so this is a random actor they hired) reading from the verse in Revelations (Revelation 13:18, adapted somewhat loosely from the King James version) that references the number of the beast. 

"Woe to you, oh earth and sea / for the devil sends the beast with wrath / because he knows the time is short… / let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast / for it is a human number / it's number is six hundred and sixty-six." 

The song begins with a hand strumming a guitar, and then we see Bruce Dickinson singing, lit from beneath in a sort of greenish fog. We see a devil that looks sort of like Dio's Holy Diver guy, then Dave Murray, Bruce again, then Steve Harris, then the creepy dude from Nosferatu.
After more Bruce, there's a scary-ass zombie-type guy that I don't recognize at all (sorry -- you know I'm too weenie for my knowledge of classic horror movies to be that extensive. He looks like the Toxic Avenger, but obviously isn't). 

[Update: Right, yeah now I am older, wiser, and hella into scary movies. It's one of the scorned makeup artist's creations from How to Make a Monster.]

As Bruce continues singing, you can also see a sort of half-there shot of what appears to be dinosaurs fighting, and yes, I'm not sure what that's from either (though I would say one of them looks to be a dimetrodon). [Present-day me: Pretty sure this is a Bert I. Gordon flick.]

Lots of tight shots of Bruce singing and gesturing, and finally a glimpse from over the shoulder at Nicko McBrain, plus more of Dave and Steve as we at last get a more pulled-out view of their location: A stage lit with lots of smoky, greenish fog and something devilish and huge looming behind it. As Bruce starts the sort of yelling part at the end of the verse, there’s a brief shot of a skeleton dude (think the Misfits skull and you've got it). 

Okay, this one I researched, because I can't just let these things go: Both the Misfits dude (and a Misfits song) and the thing we see here are in reference to The Crimson Ghost, a 1946 serial starring a criminal mastermind who is neither crimson nor a ghost nor even a skeleton but a uh, criminal mastermind, in a pretty good mask. It's weird because I have seriously never noticed any of these inset movie shots until now, watching it at pretty much frame-by-frame speed. They go by hella fast. 

ALTERNATE VERSION ALERT: I watched this again on Vh-1 Classic's Metal Mania, it turns out that I haven't been seeing them because they aren't there. My guess is that they couldn't get the rights clearance to use them all (possibly just in the U.S.). In "Can I Play With Madness?" however, when the teacher sees this video playing on that cobweb-covered television, it is the version I describe here with all the monster movies intact. The one I link to from YouTube is the version I'm discussing here, with movie clips intact. 

As Bruce yells, "Yeaahhhhhhh!" we see the classic Godzilla superimposed over the stage with all the lights suddenly coming up. As Bruce raises his fist and we see Steve and Adrian Smith, then a big explosion happening in front of Godzilla. As Maiden rocket their way into the first chorus, the camera moves quickly and we see rapid shots of all the band members as the lights above the stage flash continuously. 

The second verse begins with more of the same, including another shot of Godzilla and almost sepia-tone black-and-white footage of a couple of people running around while burning pieces of a building fall around them. As Bruce sings, "satan's work is done" we briefly see the Holy Diver-style devil (which is basically a shirtless guy wearing a weird mask with antlers), who then disappears in an explosive puff of smoke a la Yngwie Malmsteen videos. 

Ok, ok, here we go. As the second chorus ends, the unidentified zombie dude is shown again. He steps into the frame from the right, and a wolfman dude steps in from the left, and a title comes up over them that says "How to make a monster" with the word "monster" written all scary. And yes! This is how I find out where that zombie dude comes from — as it turns out, these dudes are from a 1958 film called How to Make a Monster. It is about a movie makeup artist who finds out that his studio is about to fire him, so he creates a special makeup that allows him to control the wearers' minds and make them go, uh, basically kill people. 

Ahh, wait! Aha! The zombie dude is actually the main character from I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957, made by the How to Make a Monster people). See? A little bit of googling and it all starts to come together. As the guitar solo continues, everyone rocks out, and they show a different wolfman (have I mentioned yet that all of the movie clips are in black and white? No? Sorry, they are) who sort of rolls his eyes around and looks nervous — I am thinking it is possibly the dude from I Was a Teenage Werewolf, which would mean it's roughly the same dude (or at least the same makeup) we saw with Teenage Frankenstein above. [Me of today again: I can't believe that when I wrote this I didn't mention IWATW as a MST3K movie, or that the titular teenwolf is Michael Landon.]

Steve and Nicko in particular are going nuts, and we see another clip of the Crimson Ghost, who shoots a gun and then hides behind a square pillar that has the words "silver mine" written on it. We briefly see a white spiral superimposed over the video before Dave really starts tearing it up.  

As he does so, we catch our first glimpse of a pantomime Eddie in the background, then a pair of ballroom dancers spin onto the stage. The man is dressed in tails and the woman, who has short dark hair, has on a red and gold dress with a knee length skirt that flares out when she spins. As he finishes spinning her around, she is suddenly wearing a wolfman mask, and they turn and bow to each other. They begin dancing again, and we see that they both have cards attached to their backs (as if they were in a competition), both have the number 6 on the them. 

We then see a shot of Adrian half-screened with an image of some kind of giant, giant skull thing outside of a control room (I can't even begin to guess what it's from). The giant skull thing is then seen from the back reaching its hand toward the window we just saw it looking through, then we see Godzilla once more. [OMG past me, it's another MST3K movie you definitely had seen, Bert I. Gordon's War of the Colossal Beast.]

The band goes nuts, and then the woman dancer smiles and holds up her "6" placard for the camera. The man does the same, and then the wolfman/woman does it too, now also wearing furry gloves with big claws (Get it?). As Bruce begins to sing the penultimate verse, we can see a movie of a giant spider behind the band (my best guess on this ID is Tarantula), and that there are now people dancing on the platforms up on either side of the stage. [Ugh past me knew nothing about horror and sci-fi! It's Angry Red Planet.] 

One of them is a guy in what looks to be red long underwear, and he has on a devil mask and is carrying a giant pitchfork. (He's basically dressed as the devil on the cover of the album, only on the album he looks a good deal scarier). We see a brief shot of a bas relief-style old woman's face carved into a wall morphing into a skull as the devil guy dances around and the dancers display their numbers, then a giant pantomime Eddie who is about twice as tall as the people lurches out onto the stage. 

Eddie is wearing a gray t-shirt under a black leather jacket, jeans, and a large belt. He's shot from beneath being vaguely menacing (if you're the kind of person who considers those WTO-protest papier-mache things to be menacing, that is). That skeptical-looking wolfman [Michael Landon!!] also gets shown again. As the song concludes, the ballroom dancers turn to face Eddie, and the devil guy jumps off a riser (in sync with the music). All the band members sort of punch their fists, and the lights go out. 

THE VERDICT Iron Maiden are the coolest, precisely because they are the biggest geeks ever. On nearly all of their albums, they display mad love for all kinds of arcania (uhoh, did I just make up a word? You know what I mean), from horror films like Village of the Damned and The Wicker Man to Greek mythology to Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade" (and I never thought seventh-grade English would come in handy again!). Steve of course wrote a lot of these songs, but lord knows Bruce is like master dork (come on, he's obsessed with planes and fencing). 

The point is, all of this geekiness pays off in spades with songs that are as articulate as they are rocking and videos rife with pop culture references (and, for this genre, strikingly lacking in sexual innuendo -- Iron Maiden make even Queensryche look like a bunch of sex-obsessed pervs). 

That said, what is going on in this video? I'm not certain. According to the best Iron Maiden fansite out there, the song was inspired by the 1978 film Damien: The Omen II (why not The Omen? So far as I can tell, the second one is just the first one all over again with a crappier plot) and also a nightmare Steve had. 

I am guessing that it's mostly the nightmare, because I can't discern much relation to the Omen movies. The ballroom dancers are a bit random, and Eddie and the devil are basically just as seen on the album's cover. 

The movie clips make more sense the more I think about them. Since the song itself is just sort of like, ok, I'm out by myself at night, I think I saw something spooky, and now sure enough here are the townspeople with their burning torches etc. Most of the movie clips used reference this sort of plot: The wolfman is hunted down, Godzilla is driven back into the sea, etc., etc. No matter what though, at the end of the day it's a good setting for rocking out, replete with lots of hair-tossing on Bruce's part, and that's what really counts.