Slaughter, "Real Love"

Mark Hearts Brenda Shannen!  

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Real Love," The Wild Life, 1992, Chrysalis SAMPLE LYRIC "Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real love! / Isn't anyone one truuu-uuue anymorrre? / Real love! / Won't somebody showw-owww me? / Real loooooove" 

THE VERDICT When you think of famous women who've made cameos in heavy metal videos — nay, many of whom made their careers in heavy metal videos — plenty of big names come to mind. Tawny Kitaen, Stephanie Seymour, perhaps even Bobbie Brown, she of "Cherry Pie" fame. 

How is it that in this pantheon of metal pulchritude we have forgotten none other than Shannen Doherty? Oh yeah, probably because she was in a Slaughter video. 

But 'tis true — Heather Duke from Heathers, better known as Brenda from Beverly Hills, 90210 stars as Mark Slaughter's love interest in the video for "Real Love." 

This is actually probably my favorite Slaughter song. I mean, the verses in "Up All Night" are great, but it's played to death, and besides, the kids singing are just creepy. If we're gonna get technical, I actually like Mark's work with the Vinnie Vincent Invasion better, but for the moment focusing on the Slaughter output, I like this song best. 

The video takes us, ostensibly, behind the scenes, both of the music video itself, and of whatever it is we're meant to believe Shannen Doherty is doing. We see the space where Slaughter perform the song as a video set, with crew members setting up the instruments, and all kinds of various cameras and lighting rigs visible in the early shots. Shannen Doherty is likewise first spotted behind the scenes, though it's unclear if she's in the same place or somewhere else. Assuming she's not in the same space, as it later appears, she looks to be arriving at some kind of photo shoot.

 

I always wonder about videos like this — does the camera crew just film itself? Or is there a second, fake camera crew that plays the camera crew, and the real camera crew films that? This video is full of shots of like the dollys, and the video being played back on monitors, and stuff like that. Is it just the real stuff they were using, or is there a second layer of real stuff behind it? 

It's hard to say, since this video looks like it was actually pretty high budget — it's easy to forget now, but at the time people really loved Slaughter. I mean this is their second album, which was way less big than the first, and they still are getting Shannen Doherty money. By their third album, they would have been lucky to get Gabrielle Carteris. 

Amusingly, for some reason there is a pay phone on the set of the Slaughter video. I like that the band would have to make phone calls on their own dime — so weird. Anyway, Mark Slaughter is looking all pensive on the phone as a guy comes and taps on the glass, apparently telling him to wrap it up.

We then get a shot of an old-school office phone ringing — you know the type, with a bunch of different light-up keys for different lines below the number pad? Okay if you're much younger than me, you probably don't even remember these, but suffice to say it's the early 90s, so they don't have cell phones. They don't even have giant Zack Morris cordless phones. 

No one picks up though, and from the beginning of this video, Mark is making faces like a puppy who's just been scolded for peeing in the house. Also, suddenly in this video he plays the guitar — well, he holds one anyway. 

Mark is clearly the star of this video, though we do see the other members of Slaughter a bit. Blas Elias has his de rigeur customized gong behind him, and the camera tries to ignore the fact that at this point he's obviously the best looking member of the band. This effort isn't helped by Dana Strum, who makes a progression of ultra-serious faces at the camera. Tim Kelly (RIP) is in it the least — he's kind of off to one side, and frequently hard to see due to spotlights shining at the camera.

 

Oh! There's Shannen! She's sitting at a makeup table piled with products, and looking despondently at the phone. Um well he was trying to call you earlier honey, but you didn't pick up! Oh no wait, one of the lights on the phone is blinking. 

Maybe he is still trying to call, but she's not answering? Or maybe that means she has a message? Dang, it's been so long that I can't remember how non-cellular phones work. Is Mark on hold? Well I guess that's only possible if he deposited a lot of quarters, so. Oh wait, no, now we see Mark is on the phone again. Just as quickly it's gone though. 

Can I mention that the use of spotlights in this video is particularly egregious. It keeps looking like there are small-scale explosions going on next to Dana, but it's just the lights shining straight into the camera. Why did people think this was such a cool visual effect? It's just annoying. And it had to be hella bright for the camera operator. 

Now Shannen's looking haughtily sad while she has her makeup done. I know I'm mixing my popular teen shows here, but she's looking quite Blair Waldorf at this moment. At last, we see what she's doing — it is a photo shoot. At first we see her posing in front of a fake city skyline. 

Then during the chorus we get close-up glamour shots of Shannen, which are interrupted by flashes of white — I think we're meant to believe this is the camera shooting photos of her. She's full Brenda at this point in time — heavy eyebrows, heavy straight bangs — but she looks quite pretty (what can I say, I always liked Kelly better). 

Anyway, now Mark's on the phone again, but Shannen's already in a cab. Interspersed with band footage, we get moody shots of Shannen having her hair done while looking sad, and Mark sitting alone off set. 

Next thing we know Shannen's doing a different photo shoot, sitting on sort of a weird chaise lounge while wrapped in a sheet. What are we supposed to believe these photos are for? For some reason they're being shot with an old-timey box camera. 

As we head into the guitar solo, the video gets even more plotless. It's like they started out with a sort of narrative arc or plan, and then didn't shoot enough, and had to just mix everything together. We get Shannen posing in black and white, Mark on the phone, Shannen in the cab, lots of shots of the crew (or is the fake crew?) filming the band, etc., with no real rhyme or reason. 

I mean throughout the whole video, I'm not even sure who's the villain here. Mark keeps whining about his desire for "Real Love," but is he the problem? Is Shannen? They both seem sad and like they want to talk to the other one. Or something. Maybe if I understood what the glowing buttons on her phone meant I'd be better able to puzzle this out.

 

Nope. I guess not. Mark makes a sort of sour face, and hangs up the pay phone, walking back to the video set. Shannen just rides off in her cab, an enigma. And that's it. The video just ends. Which one of them wasn't being "true anymore"? We'll never know. 

But I mean, we can guess. And my guess is that while they could afford to get Shannen Doherty to be in this video, they couldn't afford — or possibly, given her reputation for um, let's say prickly behavior — couldn't negotiate her really being in this video. 

Based on what we see here, we can safely assume Doherty and Slaughter never actually crossed paths in real life. They don't even use that favorite low-budget trick of showing the image of one superimposed beside the image of the other, implying they're, you know, thinking about each other or something. 

Instead, we just get an icy non-relationship between a singer and a model/actress. Boo! This is not very romantic. This is not "Real Love." This is called a gratuitous cameo. It doesn't buy us very much. Nor does it seem to buy Slaughter very much. 

Unlike Color Me Badd (who are featured extensively in an early episode of a show), or the zillion bands who grace the stage of the Peach Pit After Dark (including, improbably, the Flaming Lips), Slaughter never even made it onto 90210. 

I should point out though that Doherty's appearance marks the second time (that I know of thus far) that an actor from 90210 appears in a metal video. The third one, as we saw not too long ago, was Jason Wiles (aka "Colin") in Bon Jovi's "Always." And the first one? Well, it's pretty amazing — too amazing to waste on the last line of a post about a Slaughter video. So unless you already know what I'm talking about, you're just going to have to wait and see. 

And speaking of last words, just when I think I'm getting to have it, it turns out Beavis and Butt-head totally watched this video — I can't believe I forgot that. Season 5, Episode 11, "Career Day" — "Real Love" is the first video they watch. Suffice to say the boys do not have kind words for Ms. Doherty. 

My favorite part though is when Beavis freaks out while trying to spit out the numbers "90210", and Butt-head slaps him, saying "Beavis, next time you're talking about that show, just say 'Beverly Hills' and forget about the numbers, okay."

Slaughter, "Up All Night"

Who Killed 80s Metal?

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Up All Night," Stick It to Ya, 1990, Chrysalis

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "[Awake from dusk till dawn] / watcheeeng the sceeeeeeene at niiii-iiiii-iiiight / [stars are shining down] / they'lllllllll be shining down on you and I / and I'll hold you till the mornnnnnnning liiiiiiii-iiiiiiiight / Everybody sing it now! / Up! All! Night! / Sleep all day!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with dramatic footage of a fiery sun setting behind clouds, which transitions into a Frederic Church-esque sunset shown from beneath.

We go from these picturesque scenes to a uh, well, it's a metal barrel or trashcan with a fire burning in it, an behind it we can see a tall slim woman walking two Doberman Pinschers. We then see the back of a leather jacket with the word "stick" clearly legible in metal studs. A person passes in front of the camera, and we see a man in jeans and a fedora and a woman wearing a skirt and boots both sitting on either a broken-down couch or just piles of something against a brick wall. Based on the light projected onto the wall behind them, they seem to be sitting beside a swimming pool (they're not, but it's that kind of wiggly light).

A bunch of red neon lights squiggle past, then we see a man in a suit standing next to a sign in the shape of a Chinese or Japanese character reflected in a car window. The window rolls down to briefly reveal a strangely lit, bored-looking woman. We cut to a black and white shot of a boot tapping on the floor, then see from above the man opening the car's door and the woman's legs sliding out.

The woman who was sitting against the wall takes off the guy's hat and puts it on herself, doing a sassy turn. She's wearing a sort of cropped blazer over a very full knee-length skirt -- it's almost like, you know, in case you forgot it's 1989, there's your cue. She shakes her butt, and the camera pans down and shows the reflection of this in a puddle. Then we see the woman, having gotten out of the car, stepping pretty much out of frame.

Finally, the song starts, and we get some quickly cut together shots of Blas Elias and Tim Kelly before what can only be Mark Slaughter's stunt double jumps off of a riser and lands to do a somersault while Dana Strum jumps across his path.

The (probably) real Mark proceeds to start doing some wussy dancing, which we see for a little while. The band are playing in one of those sets where it's like a warehouse full of random crap piled up -- you know there’s a giant fan in there somewhere, a lot of large discarded signs, and probably Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation warming up in one of the other rooms.



We cut to a shot of a slithery woman's legs in a long, sheer skirt, before coming back to see Blas standing up to bang on some cymbals hanging overhead before Mark starts singing. He grips the mic stand with one hand and focuses much energy on looking steamy, which is hard when you sing in a falsetto. Cut to a rain-spattered sidewalk, following stilleto'd legs walking the pair of Dobermans. We briefly see a black and white shot of a woman rubbing her head and looking positively orgasmic, but it's mostly just Slaughter dancing around.

Then we go to a spotlit woman dancing around in the rain on a fire escape. She's whipping her hair everywhere, but mostly arching her back and rubbing her studded leather bustier thing (it reminds me of when Beavis and Butt-head watch the Danger Danger video for "Naughty Naughty," and they see a sexy silhouette of a woman, and Beavis says something like, "Whoa, Butt-head check out that chick! I think she's hurt or something, her back's all bent out of shape!" and Butt-head says, "No, dumbass when a chick's got her back all bent like that it means she's hot." Same era, same idea).

A guitar is strummed, Mark pouts, and as Blas tosses his mane to the back we can for the first time see the bass drums propped on their sides behind him: "Stick It to Ya" and "This Space for Rent." What, Slaughter lame? Anyway, we’re back in the alley with that girl dancing around. She's taken off her jacket to reveal a satiny bra. This makes the backlit Slaughter (sorry, Mark Slaughter that is!) shake his hair back and forth, while a square grid of lights to one side of him keeps turning on and off.

Leather bustier woman goes nuts in some steamy fog, and then Mark does the lamest dance ever (it's like a slightly more metal version of the cabbage patch). We then see a woman with a truly prodigious amount of blonde hair wearing a suit with truly prodigious shoulder pads. She spins to walk toward… a ton of water spraying out of something, maybe an opened hydrant.

Back at the mic, Mark smiles a lot (it's the shot that always gets used when VH-1 is like "Slaughter were the lameasses who ruined metal for everyone," which they always sort of claim). He bops around and semi-mimes the lyrics while the rest of the band sing along. Have I mentioned yet that he is wearing ripped jeans, a white tank top, and a black leather vest? No? Well, he is.

Next we see a red-lipped blonde in black sunglasses in front of the neon signs from earlier. Soon after, we see her defending her satiny skirt from a sudden, very low to the ground gust of wind. The guy by the wall coughs and stands up, while the now fully jacketless brunette dances on. Her one move seems to be holding her arms by her head while she gyrates her hips. The guy goes and stands by himself. Slaughter continue goofing off and sort of rocking out, and that blonde (who now has caught hold of her dress) gives the camera a look, and we see the leather bustier girl, all worn out, leaning against a wall by a different neon sign. Oh, nope, now she’s dancing around in the fog again. Never mind.



The band members all sing along, and the shoulderpad lady walks her dogs in silhouette while water sprays behind her. A couple pass in front of her as she appears to walk through a construction site. The bustier lady is back on her fire escape, and apparently it's raining again. Slaughter seem to redouble their efforts at screaming "Up all night!" with as much vigor and passion as possible, the camera cutting between them so itis like Blas yells "up" and shakes his hair, then Mark yells "all" and grins, and Dana yells "night!" and tosses his hair.

As we head toward the solo and Mark's wish to stay up 24 hours a day, we see a guy in jeans and one of those horrible haircuts every man in America had at some point between 1988 and 1992 -- you know, shaved to the ears, and long on top. Hideous. He tries to follow the blonde and her Dobies. She blows him off, and he does a very exaggerated spin and kick that puts me in mind of like, every commercial for everything from the early 90s and also begs the question, are those Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing? (If you're thinking of clicking that bad boy, scroll to the bottom paragraph to see where I was going with that one.) Mark spins and the guy does an additional fruitless kick before the solo begins.

During the solo, we see more shots of the two main women, plus lots of Mark and Dana headbanging in tandem. They even let Mark hold a guitar. Blas pouts ridiculously, and in some shots Mark has the guitar while in others he's just high-stepping and pumping his fist. Everyone spins their guitars around their necks, and Mark does his cabbage patch dance again. The leather bustier woman appears to be reaching the height of ecstasy out there on her fire escape.

As they reprise the chorus, all women in the video give the camera knowing looks, and the blonde continues to lead her dogs through the construction even though a big rig is coming up behind them and yet another fire hydrant explodes. Mark shares his microphone with his bandmates, who at this point (and who can blame them? They've probably been doing it for hours) are just screaming "up all night!" with their mouths wide open. Both Dana and Tim have like, spasms where they stare at their guitars and then jerk their heads back, jaws agape.

The song concludes with Mark pumping his fist one last time. We see Blas' actual bass drum with the band's logo on it, then the leather bustier lady calming down and stepping away from the camera, then we pan across a puddle to find the girl and guy now sitting peaceably together beside the brick wall. The chauffeur dude gets back in the front seat of the car and closes the door, and after he slams it we see clouds racing across the sky, followed by the sun rising once more.



THE VERDICT Slaughter are a pretty horrible band, but I am going to go out on a limb here and note that this is not that bad of a song. Okay, except for the very beginning and the end -- the kids singing "America the Beautiful" are both annoying and pointless, as are the sirens and crap, although those are at least like "night noises" or what have you. But anyway yeah, I don't think this is a terrible song. It's very accessible. I like the verses fairly well. Mark Slaughter's voice is, as always, a bit high-pitched for my taste, but since this is sort of a scream-along song, it doesn’t matter too much.

Now I recognize and I admit that at at least one time in the not-so-distant past, I made a statement to the effect that if I could time travel, I would go to 1990 to get on Mark Slaughter. These were, clearly, ill-advised remarks, as Slaughter are hella lame (even if Mark himself is honestly, not a bad looking guy and in fact, seems to get better looking with age). This is really their only half-decent song, and if reports are true, they're basically all assholes (or at the least, Dana and Blas are. Mark's their pawn, and well, Tim's dead, so you can’t really criticize him).

On these reports, I can't really comment, but on the oft-made observation that Slaughter somehow were the death knell of great 80s metal I will. In a nutshell: They weren't. Yes, they tried to get away with wearing flannel shirts whilst incorporating the overall aesthetic of Guess? Jeans ads. Yes, Mark's a cute kid. But honestly, this is not what killed 80s metal. Nirvana's Nevermind isn't even what killed it.

What killed it was the insane glut of abominably crappy bands signed during the period when every record company's A&R guys were just looking for any act with a lot of hair and a lead singer with decent cheekbones, thinking that those two factors were what was making records sell -- truly pathetic tripe merchants like Shotgun Messiah, Vain, Babylon AD, Dangerous Toys, Bulletboys, and Danger Danger (jeez – mentioning them twice in one writeup), to name a very few (many thanks to this amazing site, which does an awesome job of actually finding information on some pretty thankless bands). I would argue 110% that it was hideous acts like these (which make mid-level bands like White Lion seem like visionaries and true artists) that brought mighty metal to its knees, not Mark Slaughter's chipper dance moves.

Vinnie Vincent Invasion, "Love Kills"

The Freddy Krueger Invasion

THE VIDEO Vinnie Vincent Invasion, "Love Kills," A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 / The Dream Master Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, 1988, Chrysalis Records

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Whoa-oh lo-ove keeeelllls / the fire's gone / dying embers sti-ill remain / oh-oh lo-ove keeellls / and now you're gone / girl, I'll nev-err be-ee the sa-ame"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Here's my prequel to the video: This video, following in the footsteps of Dokken's "Dream Warriors," is for well, not the theme song I guess but for a song from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert here, but I did a little bit of research on this film, and here's what I've found.

At this point in the NOES series, it's "characters by" Wes Craven. He's abdicated the director's seat to some dude named Renny Harlin (a little more digging goes on to show that every NOES movie has been directed by someone new -- this guy in particular, however is going to go on direct such greats as Deep Blue Sea, which starred LL Cool J and intelligent sharks). And yes admittedly, the first film aside, I haven't spent much time watching the NOES series (I am a huge exception to the likes metal : likes horror rule, I can't deal with anything at all scary, and even though most reviewers seem to find this movie more funny than scary, I am certain it's too scary for me). And anyway, all critics seem to agree that in spite of turning out the biggest box office of any NOES film, this one is the beginning of their slide into utter crap sequels.

The movie apparently brings back many of the terrorized teens who prevailed against Freddy in the last installment (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors), Kincaid, Joey, and Kristen. A bunch of "we think Freddy's for sure dead" stuff happens, but then the plot really begins with um... a dog peeing. Kincaid falls asleep in the town's junkyard, and his dog pees fire on Freddy's grave (or something). This causes him to reassemble (which we see in the video). Freddy kills him, then shows up as a chick in Joey's waterbed. Guess who he kills next. I couldn't get myself to read far enough into the script to find out what happens to Kristen, but the main girl in these things usually does okay for herself.

Nope, wait -- according to the Times review Kristen totally buys it too. Anyway, none of the actors are well known, and most of them play characters like "buddy in locker room," "jock," "nurse," and uh, "soul from Freddy's chest." Not so sure about that one. Let's just get to the video.



Anyway, there's no fire pee here. Instead, the video opens with a shadowy pan up the silhouette of Freddy, then we see a very pouffy-haired Mark Slaughter stepping into a room beside some hanging lanterns. Mark's wearing a denim vest over a sleeveless white tee. He also was a bit heavy-handed with the eyeliner today. He walks over to a candelabra dripping with tons of white wax and makes puppy eyes at the camera as he peeps over it at us. Then we see some girl from NOES (probably Alice, but I'm not sure) looking across a creepy but colorfully lit room with Freddy visible in the opposite corner. As the camera comes around to show us Freddy waggling his knife fingers at her, we can see that they're in a church. Then we see Mark again, the wider shot revealing that he's wearing ripped jeans and little black... gloves. Yes, gloves. He's still in the room with the candelabra, it's also full of columns, torn fabric, and uh... Christmas lights? Not sure.

As Mark walks around the waving fabric and crooked picture frames, we go back to the creepy church or whatever it is, and there are a bunch of creepy children up in the choir thing, and of course, Freddy's still wiggling his fingers. Then we see some more wiggling fingers -- though these are Vinnie Vincent's, on an acoustic guitar. Before we see him though, we see Mark singing by all of the candles again. He's doing jazz hands with the little gloves, and emoting so sincerely he looks like one of the people who'd get taken out in one of these movies.

Then we finally see V.V. He's pouting and punching his guitar around, and he appears to have the bottom layers of his heavily teased raven mane either braided, covered in beads, or both. Mark really goes nuts (and finally is shown holding a mic), and then we see the whole band together in their creepy room. From far away, all of the draped fabric looks like cobwebs, which is probably the effect they were going for. The camera pans around them, then we cut to a scene from the movie (a teenage boy and girl walk down a school hallway together -- probably Kristen and her bf). After they pass, Mark makes a fist, and we see a row of lockers slashed by Freddy with light coming through them. If I remember correctly (I probably don't), this image was used a lot to promote this movie.

The camera spins and descends on a sleeping girl (I think it's Alice), and a creepy, backlit door opens, revealing Freddy. We then briefly see her standing in a dark room wearing a white dress before spending a while with the Vinnie Vincent boyz, who are indeed gonna rock. We finally see Dana Strum and Bobby Rock briefly, too. Vinnie and Mark lean on each other and sing, and Vinnie maintains a look of total detachment. He looks like Carly Simon on quaaludes, honestly. Maybe it's also that he's super skinny and wearing a black tunic belted by some kind of medallion-festooned deal over what can't be jeans and must be stretch pants of some description and high-heeled black boots. Everybody rocks out for a while, then we see a hand holding a postcard with a picture of Freddy holding up Alice that says, "Greetings from Hell," being lit on fire.



We then see a major shot from the movie: The camera travels through mountains of wrecked cars to find the character who must be Kincaid, then we see Freddy reforming from the pile of bones (we don't see the dog peeing, just its aftermath). He watches and screams in terror and the camera pulls back, showing the junkyard from overhead again. Next we see some stuff from the movie which for me has basically no context; I'm sure it's how random people die, but I wasn't going to pore over the whole script (or actually watch the movie) to figure that out. Anyway, we see a girl frantically crawling around on the ceiling and Kristen (I think) running in and seeing her, then we see a guy on a stretcher being wheeled into a surreally lit emergency room. We see a normal hand pulling on a latex glove, then the surgeon mopping his head with a tissue, then (from the patient's perspective) one of those weird plastic masks coming in (you know, the thing they use to give you anesthesia). The surgeon pulls off his mask... yeah, guess who it is.

Mark briefly emotes, then we see a brunette sitting while the shadows of Freddy's fingers wiggle across her face. A dorky looking girl with glasses stares blankly, and then we see that her worksheet says "Learning is fun with Freddy!" just before her pen begins to drip blood. The brown-haired girl, who I thought was in a completely different place but who I guess is just sitting opposite her, looks like she's going to throw up. Vinnie plays especially theatrically, Mark shrieks, and even Dana (totally in the background the whole time) throws his hair around. Then we see another big scene from the movie -- Alice, alone in a movie theatre, gets caught in a ton of wind and eventually pulled into the screen. Predictably, this leads to much rocking out on the part of Vincent et al., but I'm mostly just wondering why the female protagonists in NOES movies are always wearing these dowdy-looking Laura Ashley dresses.

In between the rocking, we see a boy (maybe Joey) lifting weights, with of course Freddy reflected in the weight (he is frickin' omnipresent, so far as I can tell). Then we see some dorky-looking older woman and a younger blonde over her shoulder. We zoom in on the blonde then switch to her perspective as blood appears on the older woman's back as if she had just been slashed by Freddy. Then we see a quick shot of Freddy's fingers, then the girl (wearing a bikini and probably waking up), then Vinnie V. holding his guitar aloft. Dana finally gets some screen time as we see what I think is one of the more maligned death sequences in the movie -- a girl turns partially into a roach, gets trapped in a roach motel, then dies in a glue trap. Freddy makes a scary face and a girl wakes up, then Vinnie actually smiles a bit as he launches into the solo. The camera lavishes much attention on him as he grinds with his guitar, stares at it in wonderment, holds it up with one hand, etc. Mark dances around with Dana throughout. As he wraps up, we see a shot that implies that they're in that creepy church, only it's a lot better lit for the video than it was for the movie.



Freddy's glove flies through the air, then falls to the ground, and the camera flies through some kind of purgatory type place, emerging with a shot of I think Alice standing outside of "the Freddy house." We see Vinnie and Mark again, then we're in what I believe is the part of the movie where Joey drowns in his waterbed. Yes kids, if some kind of hot siren lady comes singing to you from beneath the surface of your waterbed, don't try to save her. Freddy's fingers rake along a guitar but then -- wait -- yup, it's Vinnie wearing Freddy's outfit. Vinnie vamps the fingers, then we see the real Freddy shoot some kind of lightning or something at a girl, causing her to convulse. Freddy stands under a red light, then Vinnie and Mark both sing before we go back to the movie and see a blonde girl panic, then be thrown backward through some kind of weird room. Vinnie pinwheels, Mark squeals, Freddy beckons, a blonde looks panicked. But there's no big finale. It just kind of ends with Mark going nuts.

THE VERDICT Jeez, I always think I'm not writing as much anymore, then I scroll back up. Damn. I don't know if Vinnie Vincent's mom has this much to say about the Vinnie Vincent Invasion. Then again, if you peruse old issues of Hit Parader et al., you will find that though they don't cover them, many a fan wrote in to ask for more coverage of Vinnie Vincent and proclaim him the most underrated guitarist in metal. Then again, they also had people writing in letters like, "I know you don't normally do this sort of thing, but if you could just print one picture of Fred Coury naked, or at least wearing as little clothing as possible, that would really be great." People also write in who refer to Frankie Banali as an "Italian Stallion."

Okay, so maybe that's a bad example. But I do think that in the scheme of things, Vinnie Vincent and Mark Slaughter are a good pairing. They both fall into the same category for me: I want to like them but somehow, I just can't. In V.V.'s case, I'm sure he's reasonably proficient, but I just can't shake the notion that Kiss hired him basically because his resemblance to Ace Frehley is strong enough that maybe they thought people just wouldn't notice the difference ("Hey, they don't really know what we look like without our makeup on anyway, right?"). And he did have the wussiest Kiss makeup of anyone ("The Warrior"? Really?). Same thing with Mark Slaughter. In spite of the fact that he's quite good looking, and doesn't seem to age much at all over the years, I just can't not see him as way too lame. He's a bit shrieky but overall not a bad vocalist, but he just seems a little... well, humorless is what comes to mind. Sigh. I know he and Dana are all BFF but Dana doesn't even register on my radar. Double sigh.

As for the video: As these things go, it's okay. Unlike "Dream Warriors," it doesn't try to incorporate the band into the action very much. It just intersperses movie shots not quite heavy-handedly enough for it to feel like a preview for the movie. The song is okay, too -- the first verse is especially good, though the pre-chorus just kills me with lameness every time. Mark's voice is just a bit thin to sustain all of his attempts at truly singing. But it's got potential. You know who could have really done this thing up right? Dokken.

P.S. Giant new photos added 4/5/10. It's always amazing to me to go back and look at things I posted five years ago. Do you know what a bitch of a time I had learning about ANOES4 for this post? Seriously, you want to talk about a nightmare. And now it's like boom, two clicks and I've learned the whole plot.