Monster Magnet, "Space Lord"

I'm in Vegas, B*tch!  

THE VIDEO Monster Magnet, "Space Lord," Powertrip, 1998, A&M SAMPLE LYRIC "Well I sing ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother! / Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh / Space lord mother mother!"

THE VERDICT I know. This video is from nineteen-ninety-freakin'-eight. It's well outside the purview of Headbanger's Ball (which met its maker three years prior). Not only that, it has the ignominious distinction of having been the first video ever played on TRL. (Not that that kind of popularity is always a bad thing — I mean, think how many videos I've featured were really popular on Dial MTV back in the day! 'Memba that one?) 

So why am I do doing this? Welllll, because I'm getting married in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada, and this was the only metal (or even metal-ish) video I could come up with that is in Vegas. Which is weird when you think about it, given how many music videos take place in Vegas. Rock videos, pop videos, pop-rap videos — in terms of U.S. cities, it probably comes in third, after L.A. and New York (the only possible contender I can even think of for third place would be Miami, or like if you counted Brooklyn videos separately from Manhattan ones). 

Anyway. This video is pretty beloved, but everyone seems to forget Monster Magnet pulled this trick not once but twice — "Powertrip" is more or less the same idea, using slightly different hip-hop video conventions (inflated suits, tunnels). I think it's mainly that this one was such a surprise at the time, especially because of how it starts out.

 

I mean, before things really get going, this video plays not only with the conventions of hip-hop videos of the time, but also of dark/nu metal videos. I mean, the whole first verse, when the music's still pretty quiet, could be from any of a number of videos, with the faces coming in and out of the light, and all the fog flying around, and of course the super-wrinkly old people (hello, "The Unforgiven," I'm looking at you). I think the skinny kid with "Mother" written on his chest is a nod at "Jeremy," just like, while they're at it. 

You just have to kind of ignore the fact that if you're paying attention, Dave Wyndorf is already wearing a big ol' chain and a purple vinyl suit. (While you're at it, ignore the guitarist's raver attire, with the big pigtail buns and giant sunglasses, even if it kind of reminds me of Edge and Christian. Late 90s fashion was baaad. For real, no nostalgia there.) 

But dang, when suddenly the black backdrop falls down behind them and you really see Dave's suit, you have to admit it's pretty freakin' badass. Not to mention all the dancers. I feel like nowadays you'd expect them to be more implant-y and dressed more provocatively, but they are totally correct for the time, with their monochrome metallic getups. 

In fact, they're basically the exact outfits worn in Ma$e's video for "Feel So Good," which this video grabs almost all its shots from. It's actually kind of amazing how exactly they recreate parts of it. The biggest difference is Ma$e has more girls throwing around money, and he actually gets to shoot inside the casino. 

So where are they in this video? Same as Ma$e — Monster Magnet aren't on the Strip. By relocating to Fremont Street and the Plaza, they've gotten a hotel that's willing to scroll their band's name on its marquee (and let them shoot off a ton of pyro), so we can't knock 'em for that. It also gives them this cool ceiling-of-lights thing to shoot under, so I like that. You can't imitate the Hype Williams style without a lot of lights and a fisheye lens. I enjoy Dave's lightbulb-covered suit as well. Especially the fact that you can visibly see where it's plugged in. Any shots where you can see his legs, you can also see the cord.

 

Okay ew, the part where Twiggy from Marilyn Manson is suddenly there, no thanks. Sorry, but I am just not a Manson fan. But I appreciate that it was critical that they include a sequence in the video where Dave drives a Pontiac Firebird down a street where it looks like it just finished raining, accentuating all the lights. Again, it's just Fremont, not the Strip, but it still looks good. You've got to appreciate the old Vegas, not just the new stuff. 

I also enjoy though that they aren't even driving on a road — I'm pretty sure this is enclosed now, as part of the Fremont Street Experience (it actually already might have been at the time this was shot, they just aren't lighting the 'ceiling'). So this video has a bigger budget than its non-Strip location might make one think — given that there aren't people gawking at them from the slot machines, Monster Magnet actually closed off like, all of Fremont to make this video happen. 

My guess is they're filming in the middle of the night, but still. Everything in Vegas is open 24 hours, and so there are probably people who want to be in whatever place you're trying to shoot your video 24 hours a day too. 

So given what we've seen in this video, am I going to be cavorting with dancers, wearing crazy suits, making it rain? Umm, no, pretty much the opposite. I'm stoked to see my friends, but as I've said in previous weeks, weddings are awful, kids. Trust me on this one. 

P.S.: I totally realize that the biggest event in metal this week has been the untimely death of Jani Lane. But I have had these wedding-related posts planned out forever, so I'm sorry, but I have to go through with it. Post-wed, it's Jani tribute time all the way.

Kix, "Blow My Fuse"

Hometown Heroes  

THE VIDEO Kix, "Blow My Fuse," Blow My Fuse, 1988, Atlantic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Blow my fuse! / (Hey hey!) You got nothin' to lose / Blow my fuse! / I need a good shot, I can't give it to you" 

THE VERDICT Okay, I know I swore last week that I would stop mailing it in. But please, guys, you've got to cut me some slack. I know it's summer, but I'm actually busier than ever, and even though my normal M.O. is to write posts weeks in advance, at some point I caught up with myself, and now here we are. That said, I figured a not-quite-as-insanely-detailed-as-usual post was better than no post, so here's Kix. 

I've got to tell you — back when all I really knew of Kix was "Don't Close Your Eyes," I was like, they're fine but, eh. Now that I'm much more familiar with the entire Kix oeuvre, I've got to say, they are like the best bar band you've never heard. 

I mean yes, they sure do love to use sex metaphors that involve electricity and explosives, so much so that it's kind of weird. I mean if you really listen to this song, it's basically saying "short circuit me in bed." Is this a good idea? 

Sure, in the short term, I guess. But have Steve Whiteman et al. really thought through all these blown fuses? Then again, I guess they can just light a candle and like, go get a replacement at the hardware store, so. (Though what that would mean in terms of sexual metaphor, I'm not really sure.) 

ANYWAY. I bring up the bar band thing 'cause this video, even though it's from an album pretty far down the line in Kix's career, is more or less a testament to the band's longstanding local following and tireless gig-playing in and around Baltimore. I think the girl at the beginning holding the Maryland "KIX FAN" license plate pretty much sums it up. 

I mean, what do you think of when you think of Baltimore? The Wire. Syphilis. Kix. 

This video is split between two basic things going on. The more interesting footage, to my mind, is of Kix hanging out in and around Baltimore. Apparently they are mainly in a part of Baltimore known as "The Block" — apparently a stretch of East Baltimore Street that's mostly strip clubs and related stuff.

   

In any event, in this video we see a lot of stuff that's hard to identify (a diner and a peep palace, in particular), but we also see prominently the signs for several establishments, most notably the Midway Bar, but also the Two O' Clock Club (which has an adorably retro sign for a strip club), the subtly-named Club Pussy Cat,  and a couple others. 

In these montages, which all take place at night, we basically see the members of Kix hanging out in these different haunts, or in most cases, loitering outside them. They interact colorfully with the locals, who seem to consist of old men in various hats (knit cap, captain's hat), and then just a constant stream of moderately attractive women in high-waisted miniskirts and giant earrings. Hey, it was 1988. That's probably what I'd have been wearing had I had more say in my wardrobe back then. 

And speaking of wardrobes... ooh, they taunt me with visions of a "Blow My Fuse" t-shirt in this video. If you read this regularly, you know I collect vintage metal tees, and man, in all my searching I've never run across a Kix tee. I'd be so stoked to find one. 

I actually just got back from a trip (the zillionth reason I'm behind on blogging) where I got a 1992 Slaughter The Wild Life tee (inexpensive and not too exciting) and a 1985 Mötley Crüe Theatre of Pain tee (very expensive and very exciting). I can't even imagine finding a Kix shirt though. 

Actually, there's a bunch of Kix merch in this video. At one point, Steve has on sort of round John Lennon sunglasses that have the Kix logo on the lenses, and I think he may have a Kix backpatch on the back of the denim vest he's wearing. 

I should point out that, as always, Kix look amazing in this video. This is a band that has incredible style, and it seems to come so naturally— they all kind of go in different directions, from t-shirts to sheer blouses, and yet it all works. 

Oh wait, duh, I should mention — this is what like, the bulk of the video is like, it's Kix playing live. Based on the size of the venue and how unbelievably enthusiastic the crowd is, I'd guess they're in Baltimore and this was a fan club call-out type deal to recruit audience members. I mean these people are stoked to see Kix, and they don't look like they're just waiting for them to play "Don't Close Your Eyes." Trust me, if that's the only Kix song you know, you're missing out — and not just on all the weird electricity sex metaphors.

2020 UPDATE: I'm trying hard not to annotate these, but given how much I go on about it above — I had totally forgotten about that whole t-shirt digression I wrote there, but I now totally own a Kix "Blow My Fuse" t-shirt. It's not the one from the video, but it's similar. It's the most recently-added shirt in my collection (my vintage-shirt-energy has long since waned, though I still have my entire collection except for my Tesla tee which I am supermad I don't have anymore). I found it at a Goodwill in 2015 in NWOT condition. It didn't have a copyright date on it, and I was like... this has to be repro, right? But then I thought, "who the heck is making reproduction vintage Kix tees?" And indeed, upon further inspection of the fabric, tag, and printing, yeah — it's a legit vintage Kix tee. Glad I managed to make that (admittedly forgotten) dream come true! 

Warlock, "All We Are"

Everybody Rocks... Sometimes  

THE VIDEO Warlock, "All We Are," Triumph & Agony, 1987, Mercury 

SAMPLE LYRIC "All we are / all we are, we are / we are all / all we need" [Repeat 10,000x] 

THE VERDICT I feel badly that Doro Pesch is too often forgotten in the halls of metal. I mean come on, she's got that great, growly voice, she actually doesn't sing about sexy stuff (unless Dungeons & Dragons-y themes turn you on), and yes, she is gorgeous. 

I feel okay saying that because if you read this blog regularly, you know I spend a lot of time objectifying men, so it's not like the usual situation where someone's appearance only gets mentioned if they're a woman. This isn't to say she's totally above objectification — they do what they can in this video to sneak in a few disembodied butt shots, and come on, just look at the Heavy Metal-esque album art for Triumph & Agony. I mean, you'd never see Eddie copping a feel on Bruce Dickinson on the front of an Iron Maiden album! 

We do get to see this album cover come to life in the video, but — spoiler alert — not the groping. Instead, we see the Warlock come to life. He's hiding out under a bridge that spans a highway, with cars rushing back and forth below. 

Now I know this probably makes no sense, but for some reason this overpass area always reminds me of the movie Wolfen. I'm not really sure why — this video's several years later, and it doesn't really look like the Bronx. But something about it just brings to mind Wolfen. 

Ooh, maybe it's supernatural stuff happening in an urban setting? That could be it. I know there are like, way more obvious urban supernatural films, from An American Werewolf in London to Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan to Leprechaun 6: Back 2 Tha Hood. Hmm, why is it that Jason goes to the city, then to space, but the Leprechaun goes to space first?

 

Okay, I'm getting way, way off topic. Let's look at the video. So we see the Warlock hiding under the overpass, watching the cars beneath. He whips out a crystal that immediately gets struck by lightning and begins glowing (his eyes glow, too — he looks kinda like the Leprechaun). 

The crystal ball then shoots a bunch of new lightning out of it that freezes the cars below. The previously fast-moving traffic is all now stuck in place, with the drivers and passengers appearing to be frozen in their cars. I should mention that this is all basically silent — we hear the wind whistling around, and some crackly sounds for the lightning, but that's about it.  

A couple of metal-looking dudes — actually, I think these are the guitarists from Warlock — bring out ginormous Marshall amps that they proceed to set on the hoods of some of the cars. I should also mention that they're sparkling with lightning at first. They peep in the window of one of the cars and high-five each other when they finish with the amps. 

The Warlock shoots more lightning out of his crystal ball, making the band appear on top of a bus that is stuck in the traffic, and the song finally begins. Everyone in the band has busted out their best denim and leather — lots of studded accessories, frayed stuff, etc. I should also mention that it seems this band was really into Batman. One of the guitarists has a Batman logo sticker on his guitar, and while at first I thought it was a Warlock on the bass drum, on closer inspection, it looks to be the Joker. 

The force of the song beginning causes the car with the amp on it to explode from the inside. Okay, weren't there people in that car a minute ago? No one in the band appears concerned about this. They just keep rocking out on top of the bus. 

The longer Warlock rock out, the more the people down in the cars start to stir. Or at least, some of them do anyway — it seems to have more of an effect on the younger people than the older ones. 

I have to say, Doro's hair in this video is convincing me not to cut mine. It's like waist-length at this point (oh wait, I mean my hair — but hers is too in this video), and it bugs the heck out of me. But I don't know, seeing this video, I'm thinking maybe the solution to my hair woes is just to cut bangs again. Also, her wearing a bangle bracelet on her upper arm is reminding me that this is an excellent way to accessorize. 

Oh man, for the guitar solo, Doro jumps off the bus onto one of the cars and headbangs on the hood. This then causes the entire car to explode in a giant fireball! And yet, again, we're meant to believe no one is harmed. They actually show the shot of Doro jumping off the bus in reverse to imply she is somehow able to just jump up and backwards to get back onto the bus.

 

The chant-y breakdown part of the song actually prompts some of the more rocker-y looking drivers and passengers to leave their cars and come over by the bus. Others continue sitting in their cars unaffected (and apparently no one has noticed the explosions or had their cars damaged by them). 

Okay there's one shot I can't really explain. Doro appears to shoot a lightning ball out of her hand into some guy's crotch. It makes something jump off of his crotch, but I can't tell what. There's even a little lightning-bolt sound effect. I'm not sure what this bit is meant to be telling us. It looks like another thing where they're running the film in reverse to make it look like something is jumping off his crotch, but in reality something was falling onto it. What this was, however, I sure as heck can't tell, and I've watched this like a jillion times now. 

After much fist-pumping and guitar-swinging, the song fades out on a shot of Doro swaying back and forth. This fades into a close-up of the Warlock and his crystal, which he sort of gazes at appreciatively before the video fades out. 

Okay so forget Wolfen — you know what this video really is? It's a heavy metal version of "Everybody Hurts." And in fact it predates "Everybody Hurts" by several years. In that video, except for R.E.M.'s car, you see the cars pretty much already stopped, or at least bumper to bumper. 

Who's to say that a Warlock didn't cause that pile-up? I mean yeah, "All We Are" doesn't have all the ultra-depressing subtitles explaining what the people are thinking. But it does have the whole thing that the song building and building convinces the people to leave their cars, so there is that. 

Ooh, and the R.E.M. video has one ultra-depressing moment that is vaguely supernatural (the woman in the back seat of the one car who is implied to be a ghost). So yeah. Maybe Michael Stipe and company saw "All We Are" and were like, "You know what, that is a good idea for a video." Or maybe it's just a coincidence, since you rarely see anything in music videos done just once. But you know I like to propagate my random connections, so I'm going to go with it.

Ozzy Osbourne, "Bark at the Moon"

Werewolf Ozzy, Spooky! Scary!  

THE VIDEO Ozzy Osbourne, "Bark at the Moon," Bark at the Moon, 1983, Epic 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Those that the beast is looking for / listen in awe and you'll he-ear him / bark at the moo-oon!" 

THE VERDICT Halloween is just days away, so obviously it's — well actually, it's probably well past time to start digging out some great Halloween-oriented videos. "Bark at the Moon" is fantastic because well, 

a) it's sort of a low-budget combo of the plots of many a classic horror movie in a 

b) sort of Scooby-Doo way, plus 

c) the song is meant to be spooky too even if 

d) it mostly just makes me think Jake E. Lee is a really talented guitarist. 

Personally I was tempted to do "So Tired", but that's just 'cause right now I am so tired. But this clip's a much better fit. I mean it kicks right off with some kind of weird Phantom of the Opera-ish dude (the low-budget metal video version that is, which is just putting some guy in a robe and painting his entire face white). 

"Bark at the Moon" also exploits camera effects as much as possible, starting with the quick-zooms of the different band members in funeral garb. And of course, what video would be complete without those old standbys, colored lighting and dry ice. Throughout the whole video, Jake E. Lee does his thing wearing a frilly shirt amidst some reddish fog. 

The plot? Well, let's see. Ozzy is sort of an old-timey mad scientist, with a cool-ass lab full of bubbling beakers and elaborate glass tubing. Though his wife looks alarmed, he is so happy with his latest concoction that he promptly drinks it. 

This seems honestly pretty accurate for the Ozzy of the time, if you've ever read his explanation for why exactly he bit the head off that bat. He's an ingest first, ask questions later kind of guy, though in video as in real life, his snap decisions come back to haunt him.

Horrified, his wife runs out of the room while Ozzy appears to choke to death on whatever he just drank. Next thing you know though, guess who's in the red fog with Jake E. Lee. Yup, it's Were-Ozzy, from the album cover. The way they've pasted all the hair on such that it looks like patchy, grown out body hair (especially on his chest) kind of gives an orangutan-type look to it.

 

His super-sympathetic video wife (a prim blonde who looks nothing like Sharon then or now) promptly has Ozzy put into a straitjacket and hauled off their gated property. The video quality is poor so I'm not 100% on this, but I think it's the other guys in the band who take him away. They toss him into a padded room, just like in a Quiet Riot video. 

Next we see Ozzy being tied into some kind of an electric chair. The lighting is very red, so it's hard to tell what's going on. At first he seems really out of it it, but just when all hope is lost, he makes eye contact with the camera and reveals some giant fangs. Uhoh, looks like we're gonna have Were-Ozzy on our hands pretty soon. 

And we do! There he is jumping around in the red fog again. We then jump to a foggy nighttime scene of horses pulling a hearse — wait, did I fail to mention that about half of this video appears to take place in Victorian England? 'Cause it does, hence all the frilly shirts. 

Anyway, we see the horses and the coffin, then we cut to an overhead shot of the wife — now the widow, I guess — and a vaguely Anderson Cooper-looking priest checking out the coffin. Dead Ozzy's inside, and Anderson points at him. The widow chucks some rose petals onto his body. 

One minute Dead Ozzy is looking peaceful, and then the next we've got some special effects straight out of the Greg Kihn Band's video for "Jeopardy." Yes, Dead Ozzy has morphed into a sort of melted-looking skeleton. Think after the Nazi drinks from the Holy Grail in the last Indiana Jones movie. Or when the ark gets opened in the first one. Your choice. Apparently the early 80s were a big time for melted-looking skeletons. 

Then we're at Dead Ozzy's very rainy funeral. Why does it always rain at heavy metal funerals? The widow, the Anderson Cooper priest, and his band members wearing top hats stand around while a bunch of fog floats by.

 

After some guitar face from Jake E. Lee and some serious drum face from Vinny Appice, suddenly we're back with regular old-timey Ozzy, who I guess is still alive. He's making crazy faces. It's hard to tell where he is, but he keeps opening a door and being blinded by the bright white light pouring through it. He tries other doors, but those are just full of red light. 

Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor? On his like eighth try you think Ozzy's made it through, but he's just sort of standing there screaming and clutching at the door frame. Is he super afraid of Jake E. Lee? I mean it keeps cutting between Ozzy screaming and Jake E. playing in the red fog. The backlighting and the fuzziness of his hair are making Jake look a little like a Muppet, which though a bit unusual isn't that scary. As Ozzy's struggling around, I could swear they reuse the Vinny Appice drum face footage from like thirty seconds earlier in the video. 

Ozzy finally makes it away from all those lit-up doors, and stumbles into a weird candlelit area that appears to be where his coffin was earlier. Actually it kind of looks like that steam tunnel Paul Stanley's dancing around in in KISS' "Who Wants to Be Lonely?" video. And finally — here's the payoff — he is running from Were-Ozzy. 

So yes, all the lit-up doors stuff — that was just saving some money with special effects that weren't very special. We were meant to believe it was Were-Ozzy frightening regular old-timey Ozzy all that time. This is confusing because I thought earlier we were meant to believe that, a la Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, drinking that potion had transformed Ozzy into Were-Ozzy. But then what to make of Dead Ozzy or Melted-Skeleton Ozzy? 

Whatever, at least this video has finally gotten cool again. Even if you do get the impression that the actual tunnel they are in is about six feet long, as they appear to keep running through the same doorway past the exact same candelabra over and over again. 

Suddenly a cloaked figure appears at the end of the hallway. Another Ozzy? No, it's that weird white-face Phantom of the Opera dude from the opening shots of the video. Whatever he's doing there, it's not slowing down Were-Ozzy. Eventually regular Ozzy stumbles and falls, causing Were-Ozzy to make an extra-menacing face for the camera.

 

But then nothing really happens. It just cuts back and forth between Jake E. Lee and Were-Ozzy making faces and gesturing in the red fog. Oh no wait, here we go. Something's happening. 

We see Ozzy's wife standing next to the gates of I guess a sanitarium as the doctor leads Ozzy out. He unlocks the gates, shakes Ozzy's hand, and lets him out. (As a side note, I like that they apparently chose to release him very late at night.) Ozzy hugs his wife, then looks back at the building. And what do you know — up on one of the parapets, it's Were-Ozzy. 

His wife looks mildly alarmed, but Ozzy just laughs and turns away. He and his wife walk away, and then we get repeated quick-zooms back to Were-Ozzy making scary monster arms up on top of the building. 

So WTF happened in this video? Which Ozzy is which? Was it all just a dream — or a hallucination? I'm inclined toward the latter — that Ozzy drinks his potion, it makes him go all crazy, and he has an extended hallucination of being Were-Ozzy/Dead Ozzy/Melted-Skeleton Ozzy. Thus the reappearance of Were-Ozzy at the end of the video is less "was it a dream" and more "was he really cured in that asylum." 

The lyrics imply a different story though — that Were-Ozzy is an undead Dead Ozzy who is screaming for vengeance, if you'll allow me to mix my metal metaphors. Long story short though, I dunno. What do you think? 

One more fun fact about this video: So the guy who did Ozzy's makeup here and on the album cover is special-effects artist Greg Cannom, who has won a bunch of Oscars for this. He's the same dude who did "Thriller," as well as tons of movie work, from MST3K favorite The Incredible Melting Man to A Nightmare on Elm Street III ("we're the dream warriors!") to uhh... Big Momma's House. And Big Momma's House 2. But you know, also lots of other, better stuff that's less funny to mention. 

I read somewhere ages ago that Ozzy got the idea that he would throw on this makeup and wear it every night when he was on tour for this album. But then he realized a) how long it took for it to be applied (ever watch that "Making Of" thing about "Thriller"? They talk about this a lot there) and even more so b) how insanely much it cost to even do like, once. 

Anyway, Ozzy wised up on that one, so this video is the only place to see it in action. This also explains why aside from the beast makeup, most of what you see in this video looks unbelievably cheap! 

P.S.: I debated among several titles, including a bunch that were plays on The Onion's "One Man and One Wolfman" headline, but wound up going with the obvious.

Helloween, "Halloween"

It's the Great Pumpkin, Michael Kiske

THE VIDEO Helloween, "Halloween," Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part 1, 1987, RCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "in the streets on Halloween / there's something going ooo-ooon / no wayyy to escape the power unknoooooooown! / in the streets on Halloween / the spirits will arise / make your choice, it's hell or para-diiiiiii-iiiiiiiise / ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! / it's Halloween"

THE VERDICT It was dang hard picking a Halloween-related video to do. I mean given metal's interest as a genre in various things creepy and crawly, dark and ghouly, I had a lot of options. But in the end, I went with Helloween because of their simple sentiment, "it's Halloween." Or maybe they're saying "it's Helloween," which would also make sense. The German accents make it a little hard to be sure.

When I was younger (like in grade school) I thought Helloween was a pretty lame name for a band, but now that I'm older and have seen just how dumb band names have gotten (think all those hipster bands with sentence names, or random strings of nouns like Scarecrow Boat), Helloween doesn't seem that bad. I've always thought of this song as more or less their theme song, and the guy with the pumpkin head on over the bad 50s wedding tux to be their mascot. I know, the seven keys wizard guy is technically more badass, but the pumpkin guy fits better. He reminds me of the Garbage Pail Kid at least sometimes known as "Jack O. Lantern" (aka "Duncan Pumpkin").

Though if I had to pick a favorite song from this album I'd probably choose "A Little Time," you have to admit that the beginning of this song is frickin' badass. The incredibly fast guitar coupled with the menacing chant "masquerade, masquerade, grab your mask and don't be late" is amazing. But then surprisingly hot vocalist Michael Kiske immediately goes up into Rob Halford range and stays there for the rest of the song, save for one verse he sings in a vaguely silly-sounding low voice. Don't his vocal chords ever get tired? This song goes and goes (particularly if you're listening to the album version and not the edited one you hear with the video), with a jillion solos and a surprising lack of resolution, but for me the beginning is the best part, with the first verse and solo coming in second place. After that, let's face it, I'm not that much of a power metal gal.

So we see a full moon, then the Great Pumpkin appears. Then he sort of spontaneously combusts, and the song starts to get really bad ass. Helloween are standing in the middle of a dry-ice-filled forest full of incredibly tall yet limbless trees. Were it not 1987, I'd guess these were cell phone towers.



And who should come wandering out of the trees, but a bunch of women in Halloween costumes that were probably risque 22 years ago but look downright classy compared to the kinds of things women wear today. They're dressed as, well, typical women in a heavy metal video -- body makeup, tights, ripped off-the-shoulder things, drape-y pieces of fabric. They wander toward the band as if transfixed. Michael Kiske switching to using a deeper voice seems to be what really gets them going.

As the women get closer, we see many more revelers, including costumed men. The most amazing costume goes to Klaus Nomi (Germans and Venture Brothers fans know what I'm talking about). Even the Great Pumpkin gets into the act -- we see a lot of low-camera angle shots of everyone sort of skipping or hopping toward the camera in their costumes. If you watch this on TV rather than on YouTube, you'll notice you get several less shots of female revelers' butt cheeks. You're not missing much.

Even though they aren't dancing around or wearing costumes, everyone in Helloween seems to be having a great time. Lots of headbanging and guitar face, and they all keep hanging off of each other. Kai Hansen seems to be especially feeling it.

The video builds toward a climax with all the costumed people circling around the members of the band, then suddenly a big bank of fog comes, and only the band is left (as well as a bunch of pumpkins on the ground). The band members make sort of "what's that smell?" faces at each other, then they disappear too. The video ends as it begins, with a shot of the full moon.

Dang, this video is like a power metal Scooby-Doo episode. It shares particular affinity with "The Headless Horseman of Halloween", where the gang attends a costume party at their friend Beth's house only to be haunted by the headless horseman (who starts off with a pumpkin for a head). They should make a longer version of this video to go with the album version of the song, filling in the extra time with the footage of people finding clues in the woods. Then we could find out at the end of the video that the Great Pumpkin guy was really the girl's uncle, trying to shaft her out of an inheritance.



This version would conclude with Scooby et al. saving Helloween from getting ripped off by a thinly-veiled version of Gene Simmons, who is trying to trick them into signing away the rights to a hit song. The gang would then be guests of honor at a Helloween concert, at which Shaggy and Scooby would get foot-long hotdogs, but Scooby would manage to eat them both.

Then everyone would laugh, and Helloween would play a power metal version of the theme from Jabberjaw, which seems to be the one song Hanna-Barbera owned the rights to, at least based on how often it gets used out of context. I'm guessing not a lot of other people would like that video, but I for one would love it.

P.S. Why would anyone, even Hanna-Barbera, ever make a cartoon about a Rodney Dangerfield-esque shark living in space? Honestly, that's more confusing than even the most confounding of metal videos.

Slaughter, "Up All Night"

Who Killed 80s Metal?

THE VIDEO Slaughter, "Up All Night," Stick It to Ya, 1990, Chrysalis

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SAMPLE LYRIC "[Awake from dusk till dawn] / watcheeeng the sceeeeeeene at niiii-iiiii-iiiight / [stars are shining down] / they'lllllllll be shining down on you and I / and I'll hold you till the mornnnnnnning liiiiiiii-iiiiiiiight / Everybody sing it now! / Up! All! Night! / Sleep all day!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with dramatic footage of a fiery sun setting behind clouds, which transitions into a Frederic Church-esque sunset shown from beneath.

We go from these picturesque scenes to a uh, well, it's a metal barrel or trashcan with a fire burning in it, an behind it we can see a tall slim woman walking two Doberman Pinschers. We then see the back of a leather jacket with the word "stick" clearly legible in metal studs. A person passes in front of the camera, and we see a man in jeans and a fedora and a woman wearing a skirt and boots both sitting on either a broken-down couch or just piles of something against a brick wall. Based on the light projected onto the wall behind them, they seem to be sitting beside a swimming pool (they're not, but it's that kind of wiggly light).

A bunch of red neon lights squiggle past, then we see a man in a suit standing next to a sign in the shape of a Chinese or Japanese character reflected in a car window. The window rolls down to briefly reveal a strangely lit, bored-looking woman. We cut to a black and white shot of a boot tapping on the floor, then see from above the man opening the car's door and the woman's legs sliding out.

The woman who was sitting against the wall takes off the guy's hat and puts it on herself, doing a sassy turn. She's wearing a sort of cropped blazer over a very full knee-length skirt -- it's almost like, you know, in case you forgot it's 1989, there's your cue. She shakes her butt, and the camera pans down and shows the reflection of this in a puddle. Then we see the woman, having gotten out of the car, stepping pretty much out of frame.

Finally, the song starts, and we get some quickly cut together shots of Blas Elias and Tim Kelly before what can only be Mark Slaughter's stunt double jumps off of a riser and lands to do a somersault while Dana Strum jumps across his path.

The (probably) real Mark proceeds to start doing some wussy dancing, which we see for a little while. The band are playing in one of those sets where it's like a warehouse full of random crap piled up -- you know there’s a giant fan in there somewhere, a lot of large discarded signs, and probably Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation warming up in one of the other rooms.



We cut to a shot of a slithery woman's legs in a long, sheer skirt, before coming back to see Blas standing up to bang on some cymbals hanging overhead before Mark starts singing. He grips the mic stand with one hand and focuses much energy on looking steamy, which is hard when you sing in a falsetto. Cut to a rain-spattered sidewalk, following stilleto'd legs walking the pair of Dobermans. We briefly see a black and white shot of a woman rubbing her head and looking positively orgasmic, but it's mostly just Slaughter dancing around.

Then we go to a spotlit woman dancing around in the rain on a fire escape. She's whipping her hair everywhere, but mostly arching her back and rubbing her studded leather bustier thing (it reminds me of when Beavis and Butt-head watch the Danger Danger video for "Naughty Naughty," and they see a sexy silhouette of a woman, and Beavis says something like, "Whoa, Butt-head check out that chick! I think she's hurt or something, her back's all bent out of shape!" and Butt-head says, "No, dumbass when a chick's got her back all bent like that it means she's hot." Same era, same idea).

A guitar is strummed, Mark pouts, and as Blas tosses his mane to the back we can for the first time see the bass drums propped on their sides behind him: "Stick It to Ya" and "This Space for Rent." What, Slaughter lame? Anyway, we’re back in the alley with that girl dancing around. She's taken off her jacket to reveal a satiny bra. This makes the backlit Slaughter (sorry, Mark Slaughter that is!) shake his hair back and forth, while a square grid of lights to one side of him keeps turning on and off.

Leather bustier woman goes nuts in some steamy fog, and then Mark does the lamest dance ever (it's like a slightly more metal version of the cabbage patch). We then see a woman with a truly prodigious amount of blonde hair wearing a suit with truly prodigious shoulder pads. She spins to walk toward… a ton of water spraying out of something, maybe an opened hydrant.

Back at the mic, Mark smiles a lot (it's the shot that always gets used when VH-1 is like "Slaughter were the lameasses who ruined metal for everyone," which they always sort of claim). He bops around and semi-mimes the lyrics while the rest of the band sing along. Have I mentioned yet that he is wearing ripped jeans, a white tank top, and a black leather vest? No? Well, he is.

Next we see a red-lipped blonde in black sunglasses in front of the neon signs from earlier. Soon after, we see her defending her satiny skirt from a sudden, very low to the ground gust of wind. The guy by the wall coughs and stands up, while the now fully jacketless brunette dances on. Her one move seems to be holding her arms by her head while she gyrates her hips. The guy goes and stands by himself. Slaughter continue goofing off and sort of rocking out, and that blonde (who now has caught hold of her dress) gives the camera a look, and we see the leather bustier girl, all worn out, leaning against a wall by a different neon sign. Oh, nope, now she’s dancing around in the fog again. Never mind.



The band members all sing along, and the shoulderpad lady walks her dogs in silhouette while water sprays behind her. A couple pass in front of her as she appears to walk through a construction site. The bustier lady is back on her fire escape, and apparently it's raining again. Slaughter seem to redouble their efforts at screaming "Up all night!" with as much vigor and passion as possible, the camera cutting between them so itis like Blas yells "up" and shakes his hair, then Mark yells "all" and grins, and Dana yells "night!" and tosses his hair.

As we head toward the solo and Mark's wish to stay up 24 hours a day, we see a guy in jeans and one of those horrible haircuts every man in America had at some point between 1988 and 1992 -- you know, shaved to the ears, and long on top. Hideous. He tries to follow the blonde and her Dobies. She blows him off, and he does a very exaggerated spin and kick that puts me in mind of like, every commercial for everything from the early 90s and also begs the question, are those Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing? (If you're thinking of clicking that bad boy, scroll to the bottom paragraph to see where I was going with that one.) Mark spins and the guy does an additional fruitless kick before the solo begins.

During the solo, we see more shots of the two main women, plus lots of Mark and Dana headbanging in tandem. They even let Mark hold a guitar. Blas pouts ridiculously, and in some shots Mark has the guitar while in others he's just high-stepping and pumping his fist. Everyone spins their guitars around their necks, and Mark does his cabbage patch dance again. The leather bustier woman appears to be reaching the height of ecstasy out there on her fire escape.

As they reprise the chorus, all women in the video give the camera knowing looks, and the blonde continues to lead her dogs through the construction even though a big rig is coming up behind them and yet another fire hydrant explodes. Mark shares his microphone with his bandmates, who at this point (and who can blame them? They've probably been doing it for hours) are just screaming "up all night!" with their mouths wide open. Both Dana and Tim have like, spasms where they stare at their guitars and then jerk their heads back, jaws agape.

The song concludes with Mark pumping his fist one last time. We see Blas' actual bass drum with the band's logo on it, then the leather bustier lady calming down and stepping away from the camera, then we pan across a puddle to find the girl and guy now sitting peaceably together beside the brick wall. The chauffeur dude gets back in the front seat of the car and closes the door, and after he slams it we see clouds racing across the sky, followed by the sun rising once more.



THE VERDICT Slaughter are a pretty horrible band, but I am going to go out on a limb here and note that this is not that bad of a song. Okay, except for the very beginning and the end -- the kids singing "America the Beautiful" are both annoying and pointless, as are the sirens and crap, although those are at least like "night noises" or what have you. But anyway yeah, I don't think this is a terrible song. It's very accessible. I like the verses fairly well. Mark Slaughter's voice is, as always, a bit high-pitched for my taste, but since this is sort of a scream-along song, it doesn’t matter too much.

Now I recognize and I admit that at at least one time in the not-so-distant past, I made a statement to the effect that if I could time travel, I would go to 1990 to get on Mark Slaughter. These were, clearly, ill-advised remarks, as Slaughter are hella lame (even if Mark himself is honestly, not a bad looking guy and in fact, seems to get better looking with age). This is really their only half-decent song, and if reports are true, they're basically all assholes (or at the least, Dana and Blas are. Mark's their pawn, and well, Tim's dead, so you can’t really criticize him).

On these reports, I can't really comment, but on the oft-made observation that Slaughter somehow were the death knell of great 80s metal I will. In a nutshell: They weren't. Yes, they tried to get away with wearing flannel shirts whilst incorporating the overall aesthetic of Guess? Jeans ads. Yes, Mark's a cute kid. But honestly, this is not what killed 80s metal. Nirvana's Nevermind isn't even what killed it.

What killed it was the insane glut of abominably crappy bands signed during the period when every record company's A&R guys were just looking for any act with a lot of hair and a lead singer with decent cheekbones, thinking that those two factors were what was making records sell -- truly pathetic tripe merchants like Shotgun Messiah, Vain, Babylon AD, Dangerous Toys, Bulletboys, and Danger Danger (jeez – mentioning them twice in one writeup), to name a very few (many thanks to this amazing site, which does an awesome job of actually finding information on some pretty thankless bands). I would argue 110% that it was hideous acts like these (which make mid-level bands like White Lion seem like visionaries and true artists) that brought mighty metal to its knees, not Mark Slaughter's chipper dance moves.

LA Guns, "Bitch is Back"

Welcome to the LA, Bitch!

THE VIDEO LA Guns, "Bitch is Back," LA Guns, 1988, Polydor

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Please! Don't save me / don't tell me when it's time to go / It! Could not faze me / I only wanta let you know / bitch is back / right on track / bitch is back / I likeit like that"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video had a budget of approximately $2. While that is what makes it awesome, it also makes it somewhat illegible. Coupled with the fact that nearly everyone in LA Guns looks like he could be everyone else in LA Guns' brother, it makes many of the people shown in the different shots if not unidentifiable then at least very, very difficult to positively ID. Needless to say, don't kill me if I screw it up.

The video opens with some scribbly, motion-filled shots of city lights at night as seen from behind the windshield of a car. We see the lights of buildings, cars, highway signs, and so on. This cuts to a pan of a bunch of skyscrapers at sunset, then back to more squiggly lights, then a neon sign ("BUY SELL TRADE") which makes me think pawn shop but then we go inside for a b&w fast pan of guitars racked on a wall and a second neon sign ("USED & VINTAGE GUITARS") followed by neon signs for guitar company logos. Okay, so I jumped to conclusions.

Next we see singer Phil Lewis coming towards us on his motorcycle, and then a shot of Tracii Guns headbanging as he plunges into a riff. Phil gets as close as he can before leaving the frame, then we see a strange, purpley black and white shot (like they mimeographed the film) of two sort of goth looking ladies uhh... possibly wrestling in a bathtub. Okay scratch that, make that one goth looking lady scratching her stomach and then sitting up. I was correct on the bathtub though. Then we see Phil parking his chopper. Next we have Mick Cripps thrashing away. There's a quick pan up a blonde's leg as she sits on a motorcycle, then we see a woman's mostly shadowed face (p.s., she's wearing a blindfold). Light flashes and reveals I think that her wrists are bound as well, then we see Phil leaning against a pole by the side of the street.

Okay, a really weird shot with possibly nude people who are possibly women (but far from definitely). There's a guitar involved. Then the camera swings past some city lights and a woman sitting on top of a car before we see Tracii again. Next there's that perennial b-roll favorite, film the band during a photo shoot. Honestly though, I can't tell who's who. I'm pretty sure Phil's in the middle and Steve's on his right, but that's it. We see Tracii (?) doing something with a guitar, then we're finally in a normal shot again: Phil sort of trotting along the street while singing. The camera tries to follow him around while he spins and mimes different words from the song's lyrics. We see quick shots of Tracii playing and a quick photo shoot still of ...Mick? And a woman sharing an intimate moment with a guitar.



Now Phil's waving his hands around while walking backward down the street. He seems to have put on more scarves. Then we see Kelly, but quickly cut back to Phil, who's walking down the street sans scarves. He's managed to take off those plus a leather jacket, and now he's got quite the crowd around him. Throughout this video it would appear that they didn't exactly get a permit to shut down a block. Instead, they had a couple of p.a.'s get everyone to stand about two feet away from Phil. The effect is somewhat like U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," only a lot, lot cheesier. Also, I don't remember the people in that video laughing at Bono. But that's another story (plus it doesn't involve metal).

We see a little bit of Kelly (?) then we're back with Phil for a long time as he stumbles down the street past a bunch of closed stores. In between, a couple of models look bored, and Steve Riley shows slightly more enthusiasm for being in LA Guns than he did for W.A.S.P. Woops, Phil has his jacket on again for a moment, then he's back to normal. Turns out he's walking along the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Anyway, Phil stumbles around more, then we see Tracii and Kelly really quickly. Phil keeps getting really, really close to the camera, then backing up a bit. At one point, we see a creepy shot of two quite androgynous people, one lying face down on top of the other one. The bottom one, who may be Phil, sort of screams. Phil's stopped walking and has been leaning against the grill pulled down over the front of a closed shop for a while now. He's interspersed with brief shots of the whole group having their photo taken and um... looks like someone wearing cowboy boots' feet standing in shallow, running water, and Tracii spinning around. Phil then briefly has his leather jacket and scarves again as he stumbles across a street, gesturing for the camera to follow. But mixed in with some shots of city lights, he's back in front of that same store again, shoving his hands in his ears (he does this a lot throughout the video).

Phil backs down the street, dressed again, and Tracii swings his guitar around and makes faces like a working man's Nikki Sixx while Kelly Nickels just looks hot. We see a bunch more weird shots of models (bored and in bondage). Anyway, Tracii's tearing it up as we go into the hottest part of the video, as Phil rapidly removes his jacket and saunters up to a blonde leaning against a pole.

They just start going at it, which is interesting mainly because you rarely see anyone but David Coverdale or later, Axl Rose, actually touch any of the women in any of these videos. And he was married to Tawny Kitaen and Axl was well, in some sort of relationship with Stephanie Seymour, so that's different. Or maybe it's not, for all I know she's Mrs. Phil Lewis. Tracii and Mick make guitar faces and Kelly finishes his cigarette as the solo continues. Even Steve shows some zeal.



Finally, Phil smiles in a totally hot, sort of shy way (I don't normally find him appealing at all, but then again, this is the one video where he has this kind of messy, spiky hair and doesn't look like a working man's Taime Downe -- rough stuff) and unlocks lips with said blonde. He then stumbles around with his hand over his mouth while the rest of the band rocks out (he takes it off to make that "whoa" sound effect). As the camera swings back to Phil, you can almost read the name on one of the stars on the sidewalk, but not quite. As Phil sings and grabs at his head, we see much more of Tracii than we've seen in the rest of the video. We quickly cut away thought to more weird models, first blindfolded girls flinching, than an expressionless woman standing in a swimming pool.

Phil, jacket and scarves back on (we also see a brief shot of him looking at himself in a mirror), elects to sit down on the sidewalk, and sing the rest of the song sitting there. Scratch that, now he's lying down on his side. We see Kelly, Mick, and Tracii briefly, and then Phil is writhing around and practically rolling into all of the people hanging around on the sidewalk like 2" away from him. Steve almost rocks out, models grope guitars, then Phil approaches a bike with a blonde already sitting on it and gets on, though this action is cut up by shots of him (in jacket again) singing on the sidewalk as someone grabs him) and (not in jacket) leaning against a phone pole or something like it. He and the blonde drive off, Tracii thrusts his guitar, and the video ends with the LA Guns logo.

THE VERDICT Again, I absolutely love how raw this video is, but they could have watched the continuity a little bit more (the whole thing where Phil's clothes keep changing is kind of annoying). But on the whole this is just badass. LA Guns often get a bad rap, but they're a damn good band. I mean, come on, if you'd never heard this song before, you were probably expecting a cover of that stupid Elton John song. Instead, you get this totally kick ass rock song.

I also like it because it feels a little bit like a time capsule. You definitely get the sense of being there even moreso than you get in videos like Dokken's "It's Not Love," which has a somewhat similar premise (actually, it has a very similar premise to another classic U2 video, "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For") but is much more staged. I mean, the people who are rooting Dokken on are mainly good looking women and dudes in KNAC shirts. None of the women in "Bitch is Back" are good looking, with the exception of the blonde Phil locks lips with, and the men are all kind of fat and dodgy looking. Clearly, in this case it is whoever was hanging out outside this closed store or whatever at night. It is a little weird that the rest of the band never makes it out of the studio (or that Phil's never there), but that I can deal with.

Whitesnake, "In the Still of the Night"

Somebody Call the Sex Police

THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "In the Still of the Night," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC "In the still of the night, I hear the wolf howl honey / sniffin' around your daw-awr / in the still of the night, I feel my heart beatin' heavy / tellin' me I gotta have moe-oh-awwwwwwwr"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION In the still of the night, lead singer David Coverdale's then-wife Tawny Kitaen (who went on to divorce him and become co-host of America's Funniest People with another David, Coulier –- and yes sorry about this link, but it was one of the few I could find that at least had a picture), sits at a table and wipes herself down while a fan blows her awe-inspiring mane (even in a decade of big hair, this woman had big hair). Anyway. Meantime, hubbie Dave and the boys are tearing it up on a soundstage liberally decorated with the Whitesnake logo, which I swear to god Marc Jacobs would never admit to referencing but from which the designer borrows liberally –- two seasons ago he did a canvas bag that featured what was essentially the Whitesnake logo done with his own name.

Coverdale's mimicry of Robert Plant soon drives Kitaen from her apartment and into her amazing, very 80s stairwell (she appears to live in the same house that the Mary Jane Girls did in 'In My House'), where it disorients her, causing her to back into a wall and hike up her skirt before running down the stairs. Let the record show that in the still of the night she wears a bustier, a sort of layered, asymmetrical skirt, leather gloves, heels, and large sunglasses, which she tears off when she reaches the bottom of the stairs, facing the camera with that classic Tawny stare.

She enters her garage, which contains (whoa!) one of the Jaguars from the 'Here I Go Again' video. She shakes her ass at the car, perhaps giving it a taste of what's to come (again, viz 'Here I Go Again'), but then –- look! –- who's that standing in front of the other Jaguar from 'HIGA'? It's David Coverdale, of course. We don’t see a reaction from Kitaen, though we do see a random shot of her back at the table, misting her face with water. Coverdale finally pulls it together, saying "Over here, babe," since Tawny's still apparently intent on seducing the car, not the guy (this whole time she's sort of shaking her ass at the car and watching her shadow on the door at the same time). Parallel shots of Kitaen doing a Pat Benatar/Michael Jackson-style dance (it's about halfway between 'Love is a Battlefield' and 'Thriller') and Coverdale doing approximately the same thing to a microphone in front of a large, moon-like circle follow, leading Coverdale to finally pull his car around and Tawny to move toward it.

Smoke or steam of some sort pours across this moon as the entire band rocks out on a series of raised platforms while Coverdale utters a series of groans and shrieks in front of his moon. He eventually becomes a large silhouette in front of the picture of the band, sans moon. We flash back to Tawny at the table, smoking and putting on elbow-length gloves (the perfect thing to cool you off when you're as hot as she apparently is). Gloves on, she continues misting herself while we almost see the other band members: Though they seem ready for their close-ups, they're so backlit it's impossible to tell who's who.

As a violin (yes, a violin) kicks in, Tawny finally makes it out of the building, the camera stalking her from behind a fence of some sort as she struts down the sidewalk. She stops and stares at the camera, which pans up and down her body as smoke or steam or something clouds around her. At length, she appears to become self-conscious (!), and strides away briskly sort of holding herself with her arms. Meanwhile, we cut back to the band and yes, of course, the guitarist is sawing away with a violin bow (and an electric guitar). That's hot.

Tawny runs back up the stairs, and when we enter the apartment she's already comfortably face down on a love seat, blindfolded with her ass in the air. As the camera comes to meet her, Coverdale screams and Kitaen does too, looking really, really not hot. Everyone in Whitesnake goes wild at this turn of events, swinging guitars, pinwheeling with their arms, and finally showing the abandon they haven't really shown yet in this video (I mean come on, they haven't even let the Adrian Vandenberg make that ridiculous pouty face directly at the camera while dropping to his knees once!).

Why is she screaming? Well, she left the door open, and David Coverdale's totally stumbling around her entryway (possibly this was a scene torn from the real pages of their lives? I don’t know). Anyway, as the song appears to start over, Coverdale turns out to be sort of dancing (seductively?) while Kitaen vamps on the couch. As the song nears its frantic zenith ("Still of the night! Still of the night! Still of the night!"), we revisit some of our favorite shots from earlier in the video; Coverdale with the Jaguar, Kitaen with the spray bottle, etc., while everyone in the band flings their hair about for all it's worth. It is so intense that the chains holding some of the lights above Whitesnake's set break, but the band doesn't care.

Kitaen at long last gets her ass up and heads over to Coverdale for one of their trademark open-mouthed kisses (like a real snake, Coverdale seems to unhinge his jaw in an attempt to swallow her face). A happy ending? No! Someone has alerted the authorities, and Coverdale is being dragged away through the now Jaguar-less garage only to be thrown in the back of the van. Who are these buzzkillers? Apparently, they're the "sex police." Go figure.

THE VERDICT Seriously, if Led Zeppelin had still been together and making new music in 1987, this is exactly what it would have sounded like. Between the killer riff, the vocal squeaks and squawks, and all of the start/stop transitions, it sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin. (Until you hit the synthesizer violin part, then you realize, ah, it's 1987, and this is not Led Zeppelin.) You can definitely argue that it's easier to like bands (like Zep) that did not stay together and continue making music through the 80s because unlike with say, the Rolling Stones, you don't have to remember the sinking feeling you felt as you saw your counterculture idols donning cuffed blazers and skinny ties.

But anyway, that aside, this song kicks so much ass, even if it is sort of watered down 80s Led Zeppelin. I never get tired of it, just like people in the 80s apparently never got tired of Tawny Kitaen. Even if the video makes no damn sense (which really it doesn't —- but neither does any Whitesnake video), it continues to drive home some important points for Whitesnake fans. One, lead singer Coverdale at least at the time was totally hitting it with Tawny Kitaen. Two, he and Kitaen both drive (or at least lay on) expensive cars). And three, at least in this video, whatever they're up to is pretty damn kinky. After all, you don't see Jani Lane getting locked up by the sex police!

P.S.: Since I'm retitling this 2004 post from the magical future of 2010, this title is actually a very 2010 reference.