White Lion, "When the Children Cry"

Mike Tramp Believes the Children Are Our Future

THE VIDEO White Lion, "When the Children Cry," Pride, 1988, Atlantic Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC "when the cheeeeel-dren cry / let them kno-ow we tried / 'cause when the cheeeel-dren sing / then the new world begins"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION I'm warning you now: I am pretty sure this is the most boring synopsis of a video I have ever written. Unless you're a White Lion superfan (or more likely, superhater), skip directly to "The Verdict" if you know what's good for you. The video opens with all of the guys in the band standing backstage in an awkward row, as if posing for a picture they're not quite sure about. Then we see Mike Tramp's face, first obscured by darkness and then gradually growing more lit before fading away again.

Cut to guitarist Vito Bratta playing an acoustic guitar while sitting on the edge of …uh… not sure what this thing is. Some piece of playground equipment (or maybe it is just a really futuristic style white bench). It looks like it has just rained. This is interspersed with shots of Mike looking pained, his mane waving gently in the wind.

We briefly see a concert shot of a much more jubilant Mike cavorting about before we see Mike silhouetted in profile (looking like Joey Lawrence with a wig on) beginning his plaintive song. The camera pans along near the ground, passing empty swings and then the bottom of a slide, traveling up it before going back to Mike.

We see Vito again, then a concert shot of a much burlier looking Mike and James LoMenzo. I am thinking the thing Vito is sitting on is one of those things where you grab a handle and run next to it, then you jump on while it's spinning. A weird looking one of those. Anyway.

We see a daytime shot of children swinging on the swings, with one boy running in front, then a closeup of a shirtless, crying toddler wearing overalls. A woman's hand comes in from off camera and wipes at his tears. We then see a fuller shot of Mike, followed by footage of a little boy running away from the camera, then Mike running across a stage.



For the chorus, we see each band member lit and then in darkness. First goes Mike (duh), then Vito, then Greg D'Angelo, then James. We then see Mike singing this song in concert wearing a heavily embellished denim jacket.

The next shot is beneath a child swinging on a swing set, then we quickly see a passed out bearded dude laying in the grass (shirtless) with a blonde toddler (also shirtless) asleep on top of him. Mike shakes the hands of people in the crowd, then we see film of little girls playing in a fountain and running, a blonde toddler and dad emerging from water in a lake, and a child riding a swing shaped like a carousel horse.

The longer Mike sings, the more puppy dog his expression, so by the time he reaches the first big "no more presidents," he's looking pretty Precious Moments.

Luckily, we cut from him to a skeptical looking girl sitting on a swing seen behind a wire fence. Then we see Vito, then (gag) Mike tilts his gaze skyward for "under god." Okay, now we see a bunch of kids playing on the thing I was talking about before, the spinning thing. On second thought, it looks mad different from the thing Vito was sitting on, which now Mike is sitting on.

Vito switches to a weird looking electric guitar for the solo, and we see random babies and children, shots of Vito playing the solo in concert, and mad close-ups of his hands. Then we see Greg looking pensive in an empty arena (White Lion played arenas? Sheesh!) then Mike singing before a lighter-hoisting crowd. He emotes like crazy, making lots of meaningful eye contact and kneeling down near the crowd.



Then we're beneath the swinging kid again, and watching a little boy climb the ladder to a slide as the final chorus swells and White Lion toss their hair all around the stage. We see a dubious looking little girl, then empty swings, then Mike hits that final "then the neeeeewww world be-gii-iiins" and we see each of the band members one last time -- James wearing extremely short shorts and sitting in an empty arena, Greg waving to the crowd, Vito playing onstage wearing all white and dark sunglasses, and Mike wearing a sleeveless AC/DC tee with his hair in a weird topknot while holding a mic pre-show. Our final shot is of Mike raising his hand before a sea of lighters. *sigh*

THE VERDICT Sorry dudes, but White Lion are hella lame. I remember back when this song achieved near-saturation on MTV, it was annoying then and it's annoying now. It is odd, I will admit to find a song this calculated to pluck groupies' heartstrings that isn't about the loneliness of life on the road (viz. "I Won't Forget You" and "Wanted: Dead or Alive," to cite examples from Poison and Bon Jovi) or wistful yearning for the one that got away (again, see "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" or "I'll Be There For You") is unusual. Instead, we get the "I believe the children are the future" (you know the song I mean, I'm so not looking up the actual title) of heavy metal. Sigh.



Though they'd go on to do a competent cover of "Radar Love," I just can't get behind White Lion. I feel like too much of their success is pegged to Mike Tramp's good looks (a result of being Danish, I guess -- then again, look at Lars Ulrich). While we all know that I am hardly averse to admiring the good looks of musicians (*cough* George Lynch *cough* *cough* Warren DeMartini), what makes these guys super-hot is the combination of good looks and plenty of talent, as opposed to good looks tempered with singing wussy songs in a wussy voice, which I simply can't abide.

I must say though, having now gone to his website I do feel kind of bad for the guy -- old age is especially rough on that type of cuteness (just look at Sebastian Bach) and Mr. Tramp is no exception. The weirdest part? No, not his full sleeve of tattoos (though that did throw me for a loop). The fact that, in aging, he and Joey Lawrence do indeed appear to be becoming the same person -- what was once a resemblance is rapidly approaching a separated-at-birth situation. Bizarre.

Warrant, "I Saw Red"

Love Me or Hate Me

THE VIDEO Warrant, “I Saw Red,” Cherry Pie, 1990, Columbia

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SAMPLE LYRIC “And then I saw rey-yed / when I opened up the door / I saw re-ye-yed / my heart just fell onto the floor / and I didn’t need to see his faaaay-ayyyyy-ace / (oh-oh) I saw yours”

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Metal and wooden freestanding shelves holding tons of lit votive candles (like the ones people light in churches) swing into view as we hear some soaring piano. And ah yes, let me mention that though this is in black and white, all of the candles are in red (uh, and one of the shelves is brown). Tons of crap (I don’t know what -- peeling paint? Hastily-made confetti?) again, with some in red, falls from the ceiling, and then we hear the opening “ooooh-oooooooh yeah” coupled with an extreme close-up on the face of Mr. Jani Lane.

We pull back to see that Jani is seated at a white baby grand piano, with many, many candles and the various members of Warrant arrayed about him. Spotlights shine in various places through the walls of candles, so we’re not supposed to think they’re in a real room or anything, it’s more like they’re in the kind of place where bands like the Vinnie Vincent Invasion or Pretty Boy Floyd make videos. Also, let me mention that possibly all the crap falling from the ceiling is rose petals, but I don’t yet have a positive ID on that.

We then see Jerry from far away (as per always, lest he take away from the beauty of Jani). The space behind him looks pretty industrial, there’s a column and also a large fan (probably for blowing around rose petals). We pan across some whatever-it-is falling in front of a row of votives, then come around to Jani, who is singing while sitting at the piano and wearing a double-breasted vest with no shirt beneath.

Some random stuff (a light swinging past the camera, someone’s leg as they climb down off of something) is briefly visible, then we see Erik strum his guitar, signaling that we are soon to bust into the chorus. The camera goes around him as he goes in and out of shadow, with lots of red candles all about. Then we see that he is standing behind Jani as a like, downpour of rose petals starts. In the next shot, which is looking down on Jani’s piano, whatever all this falling crap is looks like burst balloons.

Ptcha! It’s the chorus! How do we know? Because Steven wails down on the drums making his signature face for the camera (I call it “just pouty enough with furrowed brow”) and then Joey hoists his guitar and leans back. The camera pulls out and we see the various members of Warrant as they are standing in relation to each other and the mad shelves of candles. In addition to the candles being red, Steven’s shirt and drums are also shown as being red. Jerry sings along with the chorus, but you can barely see because the camera is mostly blinded by the lights behind him, then Jani sings of course in extreme close-up.



Next we get reaction shots of the band looking serious: Jerry goes first (and fastest), followed by Steven, then Joey (who admonishes the camera with his guitar), then Erik. Then we see a long shot of Jani, and I swear it looks like there is a tripod that has been left possibly not on purpose in the lefthand side of the shot. Then of course, Jani hits a high note, so we watch that in extreme close up (“whooaaaa! Waaahhhhh!”)

Joey looks ultra-sincere and swings his guitar around whilst stuff falls from the ceiling, and Jani mega-emotes and tucks his chin down and to the side (his signature face) for “I saw yours.” Jerry is shown from beneath, and his skin is colored in red, so that makes him look fairly diseased (he’s not my type, but I’ll admit -- he is probably more attractive than Jani [and he looks about 1,000 times better now]. But it’s like these videos do whatever it takes to make him look worse. I would even swear that the icky Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich album cover is an artist’s rendering of what would happen if Jerry got really, really fat). Then we see Steven, whose skin is maybe tinted a little, but mostly it’s his drum kit that is done in red.

Jerry gets a little better shot, and every time there is a big riff Joey makes his ultra-sincere face (I’d describe it as (“we’re gonna make it through this together baby, keep your head up”). We see the room from really far back, making me realize that even though they look like they’re far apart Warrant are all actually pretty close together, and Jani’s piano is surrounded by more candles that are on the ground. Actually, Steven’s a bit further out and on a riser, but that’s it.

Jani is in close-up again, before we swing past some candles to see Jerry from super far away. Every time they show Jani at the piano, more junk falls onto it (some of which is red). Then we get a quick shot of Erik, who’s not even looking at the camera, then more of the same close-up shot of Jani that they apparently fell in love with back when they made “Heaven.”

He even has to close his eyes, it is just too much. The lights swing around and bring Erik in and out of view, then we see a decent shot of Jerry, but again with sort of red skin. For the “burn a thousand candles” line, we get a bunch of pulled back shots, reminding us that Warrant are totally burning a thousand candles like, right now.

Steven pounding his red drums take us into the chorus again, and we see Erik and Joey crossing their axes. Whoa, and now we are really ready to rock, Jani is now standing up and the piano is outta there! We then see a close-up of Steven, and I guess since he is reasonably cute they have made his skin super red too. Steven, Jerry-from-far-away, and Joey alternate through reaction shots (for their expressions, see above, they each have one!) a couple of times, of course with Jani’s face filling the entire screen in between. We do get one mad pulled back shot though, the place they are in is like airplane hangar ginormous, and several of the spotlights are high up above them.



The piano reappears momentarily for the little trill after “I saw yours”, then we finally get a shot of Jerry where he is both clearly in focus and doesn’t look like he has a disease. Oops, but then the lights go out on him and you can only see his ruffly white shirt. The camera spins around and pans down Erik, then Stephen, then for the break Jani busts out another of his signature moves -- fists together in supplication, then tossing them aside to do a slow spin. His piano keeps coming back, too, even though he is now ostensibly standing and sans piano.

For the sort of yelling interlude, Jani raises his fists often, and even though they’re not standing near each other (except in one brief moment when they are all visible behind Jani) the members of Warrant begin to do what they do best -- slow, synchronized headbanging. Much hair is gently tossed to and fro following the guitar line, and for “I never thought it would end-this-WAYYYYAYYYYY” Jani sort of does American Idol-style hands (fingers spread like he is miming holding an exercise ball).

The camera makes much of the headbanging throughout the guitar solo, and we start to get lots of overhead shots looking almost straight down on the band members. This shows us that the floor in there is covered with …leaves? Seriously, I can’t tell what this junk is. As Jani starts to sing again, the camera comes a little closer, and Jani grabs the front of his vest (this actually made me cringe just now). The piano rapidly appears and disappears, and Joey and Erik stab at their guitars and then let their hands fall away a la the Adrian Vandenberg school of guitartristy.

The lights flash big time and the crap keeps falling and Jani keeps making big eyes at the camera. Though the candles remain red, now in some of the pulled back shots the air above them is definitely somewhat blue. Hmm. It is hard to tell how on purpose that is.

But it is easy to tell how on purpose this is: As we zoom in on Jani for the final “oooh it must be magic,” his face is suddenly in glorious color -- we couldn’t get through a whole video without those baby blues, right? He looks all broken-hearted and sits up straighter as that anonymous substance (which is red in real life, too) continues to fall around him.



THE VERDICT Ooh it must be magic how Jani Lane’s voice makes me forget he looks like a very bedraggled Philip Seymour Hoffman. Every time I hear this song, images of Jani’s former abs form so deep inside of me. If a time-traveling conveyance should arrive, I’d be first place in the line, to go back to 1990 and save him from all those lame tattoos.

Then I re-mem-bered that I’d once said similar things about Mark Slaughter. And I re-mem-bered how much I had regretted those. And you don’t even need to tell me twi-iiii-ice. Save those fantasies for George Lynch, and just move oooo-oooo-oooon with your life. I shouldn’t keep listening to this song every single daaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. (Ooohooohh yeah.)

Sorry for the musical interlude. Jani’s recent appearance on VH1’s whatever-fest “Heavy: The Story of Metal” prompted much thought on my part about past metal icons and how they look now. Like who would have guessed Rikki Rockett would wind up with the Phyllis Diller hair, and not CC Deville? Or that Brent Muscat would now look like a cute, male version of Winona Ryder? And most of all, that Kevin DuBrow has somehow wound up actually somewhat good looking? I don’t know if that’s a wig or what, but it is not the hair he had circa 1982 or whatever, that’s for certain.

Also, let me mention that Dave Ellefson looks like, if not an additional Wilson brother then at the least, a Wilson uncle or cousin or something. Less surprising was Jack Russell’s return as a bleach-blonde version of Jon Lovitz, or that Dave Murray still looks pretty good (and still like one of the Thundercats).

Though for real, perhaps the scariest thing of that whole series was Bruce Dickinson (one who is known already for making unusual sartorial choices like this pouffy shirt/faux lizard pants combo he rocks in the video for “Stranger in a Strange Land,” if I’m not mistaken) busting out into being dressed as the Croc Hunter.

Crikey! What were Bruce’s handlers thinking when they let him put that on? From the boots to the hat, he looked like he should have been crawling along the ground whispering about mysterious reptiles, not pontificating in a little chair that wished it were half as cool as that crushed-velvet-and-chains sofa they used to have on Headbanger’s Ball in the 90s.

THAT ASIDE! I have a mega soft-spot for “I Saw Red,” in spite of the fact that when I hear this song most of what I think is “I just don’t get it.” The verses could not have less to do with the chorus -- things are so effing amazing, I’m gonna light all these candles for you, blablabla, oh wait, you’re doing some other guy. WTF? It is like they had two songs that were half finished, and couldn’t quite make it through either one, so one of them was like, “screw this, let’s just put them together.” The result is sort of like an all-Warrant mashup. I will say that the verses are delightful to warble in the shower etc, while the chorus is hard to sing without feeling like an idiot.

The other thing about this song that I would like to say is that I like the acoustic version on Metal Mania Stripped much better than the original, in fact, the original does not even merit a spot on my iPod whereas the unplugged one is a frequent visitor to my 25 most played list. And don’t even get me started on the acoustic version of “Cherry Pie"... you have to hear it to believe just how good it can be.

Mötley Crüe, "Live Wire"

This Video Is MADE OF WIN

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Live Wire," Too Fast for Love, 1981, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "'Cause I'm alive! / Liiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-re! / 'Cause I'm alive! / I'm a liiiiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-re!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with an image reminiscent of Scooby-Doo (for me, anyway) -- a semi-transparent, floating skull with a pentagram drawn in red on its forehead floating in front of a lit candelabra. This disappears, and the camera slides over to the right to capture the hand of Mick Mars at the guitar. We then see the hand of Nikki Sixx beckoning before his bass.

We see Mick's hands again, then we see Tommy Lee pound twice quickly on the drums. Next Mick finally gets a shot with his face in it, then Tommy points from atop his drum kit. Then it flashes back and forth between Mick playing guitar and Nikki holding his scary-looking bass behind his head. Before Vince Neil has even jumped down into the dry ice fog, we already know: This video is going to RÄWWWWWWWWWWWWWK.

Vince immediately begins shaking his platinum mane, and then we see Tommy from above. He has a gong behind his drums, so get ready (okay, he doesn’t actually use it). Vince and Nikki jump around a little, and Mick looks scary (duh) as Vince begins to sing. Vince is wearing red leather pants and a matching red leather vest with two large, studded belts, one has black and the other is like all studs. He's also got on multiple studded wrist and arm bands, as well as little fingerless leather gloves that say "Mötley Crüe" on them in the original style which he also wears in "Looks That Kill." Vince shakes his hips in a way that almost makes you forget how he'll look in a few years. But not quite.

Vince also moves around a lot and appears to sing every single word, so yeah, a lot of things are different. In a few of the shots, you can see that there's a big "Mötley Crüe" sign somewhere in back, but only the word "Crüe" (again, done in the original logo style) is visible toward the right. This video has a bunch of mostly red lights in it, and often Vince's hair seems kind of glow-y, but for the most part it's real dark. Also, forgot to mention, Vince has a big choker-style leather necklace on with something hanging from it. It may be more than one, actually.



After a long time of Vince (hey, they wanted him to be the face of the band, after all), we see Nikki. He maybe has some reddish streaks in his hair, and is super pale with bright red lipstick. He's wearing a sleeveless leather top with some chains across the front, big studded black leather fingerless gloves, red leather pants heavily draped with bondage-style chains, and black thigh-high boots.

We then quickly see Mick (who's mostly obscured throughout the video, he's wearing all black though) and Tommy. Tommy's sitting down for the duration of the video, but on his upper half he's wearing a torn, sleeveless fishnet top. Also, in case I forget to mention the obvious: Not a lot of tattoos at this point.

Vince gets really into things! Wow, this video is like a piece of living history. Even Mick hoists his guitar aloft for a moment. Mick has on his scary black cheekbone makeup, which he shows off by making a mean pouty face. We then get an overhead shot of Tommy, who by later standards is barely in this video at all. Mick makes more badass faces, then Nikki actually windmills on his bass a la Pete Townsend. With the build-up to the second verse, Vince makes emphatic movements with his mic, and Nikki continues to emphasize how hard he is rocking by headbanging with his entire upper body. Tommy wails on the drums, and Vince leans in toward Mick as he starts singing again.

Just like with the first verse, we mostly focus on Vince while he sings. He struts around with his mic like a real effing star, it must be said. He also emphasizes his vocals with a lot of, well, pointing, and sometimes he also points with his pinky to make the Dio symbol. Vince sings the awesome lead-in to the chorus with lots of pointing, then we see Nikki, Tommy, and Mick again, but for like two seconds each. It's mostly Vince screaming "I'm a liiiiiiiiiiive wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-rrrre!"



Next up it's the weird break, which Vince signals by sweeping his arm across his body and the lighting crew signals by switching from red lights to blue. Shots of the different band members playing fade into each other as the guitar kind of goes all sludgy for a second. Vince briefly channels David Johansen (this is a major compliment coming from me), then for whatever reason we see a green-lit, heavily-lipsticked Tommy Lee struggling against chains. He uses the Dio symbol to try to break them. This fades into a shot of a green-lit Vince lowering a blazing torch.

At this point, the real Vince begins to scream as the song starts to rock out again. Vince makes the Dio symbol with both hands as fire explodes on either side of him, leading in to what was at that time Mötley Crüe's biggest gimmick: Lighting Nikki's pants on fire. If it weren't for this video, it'd be just another anecdote in The Dirt.

Nikki hoists his bass aloft whilst his pants and boots burn. We then see Vince's hands grabbing either end of a "Live Wire," as he brings them together there's a big flash of green light. It also causes a lot more fog to appear, and when I say a lot I mean a lot. When they go to a wider shot, you can still see Vince, but you can't tell Nikki and Mick apart! (Note: Reading this for the second time, I'm not quite sure why I felt the exclamation point was necessary, but I'll let it stand anyway.)

Even though flashpots continue to spew flames in the background, the fog clears and you can clearly see Vince prancing around and Nikki and Mick leaning against each other up on the drum risers (this is also probably the most Mick's moved in any of their videos). The song only gets more badass as it nears it's conclusion: Vince sings super fast (and still gets all the words), Tommy drums wildly, and Nikki pounds his bass with his fist. Mick even gets in on the act, not so much spitting blood as sort of having a bunch of blood fall out of his mouth.



For the last two little start-stop things in the song, which are more exaggerated than the ones at the beginning, we first get Vince making a cheekbone-emphasizing pout while whipping his head around to the left, twice. Mick makes dramatic faces with his blood, and Vince flails back and forth with his mic stand. For the last one (the one with cowbell), Tommy even does his mouth open, one hand behind head thing!

Vince, Nikki, and Mick, work their way to the center of the stage to strike a pose just as the screen begins to shrink and spin off into the distance, leaving us with a still image of the album cover with a little picture showing the band silhouetted (sort of like how they are in the very beginning of "Too Young to Fall in Love") in the bottom left-hand corner.

THE VERDICT Um, it must be obvious by now, right? This video frickin' rules. I love it. I am having trouble finding any sort of fault with it at all. I guess maybe Nikki hasn't reached his maximum potential hotness yet, he’s still saving that for "Dr. Feelgood."

That's really it though. This video is like an amazing time capsule into the history of the Crüe. I mean, imagine if a video like this existed for Guns N Roses? "Sweet Child O' Mine" is like as studio as it gets ("Concept Version 1" my ass). While this video doesn't have a like insane lack of production values, it still gives you this look at the band's sort of original aesthetic. It's also (to my knowledge) the only video off of Too Fast For Love, so it's the only one where you get the original Crüe sound, which is really, really different from where they wind up later. It's just so raw sounding, I friggin' love it.

I also love the pentagrams and all red/black color scheme, which only really lasts through Shout at the Devil. Nikki still does it for Theatre of Pain, but by then Tommy and Mick are in all-black and Vince is having his brief dalliance with white and pink. Theatre of Pain is however where Nikki begins a multi-album flirtation with polka dots, which I adore. He looks so glam! But oh yeah, this video. Well, it was awesome.

Cinderella, "Gypsy Road"

Livin' It Up Down Old South America Way

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Gypsy Road," Long Cold Winter, 1988, Mercury

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SAMLE LYRIC "My gypsy road / can take me home / I drive all night just to see the light / my gypsy road / can take me home / I keep on pushin' 'cause it feels / all riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with a shot from very far back in the audience of Cinderella playing in what I would describe as a large club or a small theatre. While there are a lot of lights above them on stage, the ceiling's pretty low and the crowd isn't too big. There's an even quicker shot of hands waving in the air (at least one person is, as per the inevitable, holding up drumsticks) with some posters I can't even try to decipher in the background.

A quick shot panning down a street at night in... I'm going to say Mexico... follows. Then we see Jeff LaBar onstage from behind, with a fake cactus in the foreground. We quickly go around to the front of the stage and see Tom Keifer a bit closer, then we see the outside of the venue. It's called the "Cine Maya" and the sign says "Program Cinderella 5:20 7:30 Y 9:30." So apparently Cinderella did three sets that day beginning in uh, the afternoon.

Then we're inside again, with Tom Keifer triumphantly raising his arms to an enthusiastic audience. The camera pans around and we see that the Cine Maya is a pretty big place, but I'm still going to say that at the end of the day it's not a lot bigger than like Irving Plaza. We see Tom again, then some fans, then Fred Coury.

We take a peek at Jeff LaBar, then zoom out for a wide shot, then we see Eric Brittingham triumphantly tossing his flaxen mane. We then see the whole band walking down a Mexican street in the middle of the day. The camera goes back into the concert, and we go slowly toward Tom, with a view that includes a sort of Old West-looking lamp fixture hanging from the ceiling.

We watch Tom sing for a while, then we again see one of the fake cacti by the side of the stage, this one topped by a sombrero. We then follow the camera down a Mexican street during the day, where we see a policeman writing out a ticket. Tom sings a bit, then we watch an older woman walk down the street before watching Tom walk down a different street. We see Jeff rocking out with their oft-hidden keyboardist clearly visible behind him (I remember reading an editorial in I think Circus where they were like, 'why don't Cinderella just admit that this guy plays on every single one of their songs and let him be part of the band?" I don't remember his name though).

Tom sings some more, then a man and child go by on a motorbike outside on the street. We then see the whole band walking down the street, dressed down in basic denim and leather. Tom sings while riding around on a motorcycle, then we look up at some buildings before cutting to Fred on a motorcycle.



We take a look at some Mexican dudes hanging out by a decrepit looking building, then see more of Tom looking all pouty-mouthed and hot. He's wearing aviator glasses and naturally, a scarf around his head. I need to get some friggin' layers cut in my hair so I can tie a scarf around my head without looking like a friggin' hippie. We see more people on the street, then Cinderella on the street sort of goofing around, then more random people on the street. The guys walk by a building labled "Modelorama," which I guess is either full of models or Mexican beer (no, I don't know any Spanish).

Tom continues to sing onstage, but meantime we seem to be going further out into the country. We see more scenes of people and random streets, but it's getting more rural. The shots of Cinderella on stage get more direct at the same time -- we get more close-ups of the band's faces. Then we see an old Chevy truck, the license plate of which says "SHAKE ME" -- awesome! The band then walk by the camera outside, the first really close shot we get of them (aside from Tom singing on the chopper).

Now we head way out to the country, with a long shot of just trees and forest going past from the window of a car. Tom runs out into some brush with a guitar, then the camera pans around some kind of Mayan column. Fred is standing on the other side, hitting it with drumsticks. Then we're back in the city, as two little boys play near a bench Eric is lying on. I think Jeff is sitting on the other end of it.

The camera, from inside a truck, films a truck full of men driving through the forest, then we see Tom and Fred sitting outside singing. They're totally not made up at all, Tom has even foregone eyeliner, which makes him look especially fresh-faced. He also seems especially happy, like he's laughing a little or about to laugh. Maybe he is laughing about how silly that cowboy hat he's wearing looks, but I doubt it.

Next we see the band walking away from the camera down a road. Even though it's probably totally hot out Tom is wearing a long, black leather jacket with lots of silver embellishment. We then see a man getting something from a little window, on side of which is a poster for Modelo and one the other side of which is only some writing I can read, but it's advertising "Cervesa Fria" b/k/a cold beer. Naturally, Cinderella head straight for that. We then briefly see Tom in concert with a big band logo behind his head and then a shot of a little boy.

Now comes my favorite part of the video, where the band is suddenly all out in the woods by the Mayan stuff, and Tom mimes the line "now who's to care / if I grow my hair / to the skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Tom has a guitar, but everyone else is just clapping and looking at each other. The camera then spins around and we're back by that Mayan column thing, Jeff is playing his guitar in front of it now. Every time it's shooting the Mayan thing, the camera gets little black corners on it, as if we're looking at the band through a telescope or something. We quickly see a crowded street with lots of people in it, then the camera pans past an old woman sitting on a bench to show Tom playing guitar on a bench, then some little kids sitting next to him. Then we are back at the ruins, with Fred again drumming on them.

It turns out the crowded street is actually some sort of parade, lots of people are carrying things. We see a bit more of Tom in concert, then get a low shot where he is riding a white horse wearing a rope bridle. I'm embarrassed I can't remember the name for this -- it's a bitless bridle, so it just goes around the horse's muzzle. We see some random people, then I think Jeff (without all the volume in his hair, he starts to look a lot more like Fred) riding a brown horse. We then see lots of people sitting in very, very makeshift benches watching some kind of rodeo-type event. A calf runs around below them in the next shot.



The band is then back in the jungle by a ramshackle fence, all clapping along with Tom. Then we see Tom silhouetted at dusk. Apparently Fred has decided just drumming on the Mayan stuff isn't enough, now we see him sitting on top of one of the statues. Tom and Jeff sing back at the concert, then Jeff runs past Tom, who's standing on the steps of a very abbreviated Mayan-style pyramid. The camera briefly attends to each band member at the concert, then we're back out at the fence. We then see an overhead shot at the concert, which prominently shows the toy parrot suspended over the stage.

For the lead-up to the solo, we get lots of concert shots interspersed with a few shots of Jeff playing out in the jungle by the Mayan stuff. We also get a nice shot of Tom playing guitar by some palm trees. Tom and Eric share a mic for the "so cold" lyrics, and we see a far off shot that slowly zooms in of Tom reclining in the doorway of a bar. We then see all of the band members sitting on rocks beside what is I guess a beach.

For the solo, guitars are inexplicably thrown onto the stage from the audience. We watch Tom catch a guitar from two different angles. The camera swings wildly by the ruins from Fred to Tom, then we see Tom playing guitar outside at sunset. Tom plays guitar behind his head in concert, whilst we see a crazy shot of him running down the stairs of the little temple or pyramid or what have you. Though Tom's guitar face is obscured by the low lighting in the concert shots, I assure you, it's there.

We then see a far-off shot of much larger Mayan pyramids. The band walk around them, then we see an outdoor shot of Tom, solo complete, raise his hand in triumph. In the concert, Tom tries to get the audience to clap along, then we see -- and I have never seen this before, I think I'm only catching it because I'm viewing it at practically a frame-by-frame speed -- two blonde women in the audience fighting each other! We briefly see something shooting out sparks, then a shot of more extensive Mayan ruins. The shots alternate between the band in concert and random settings, like the Mayan stuff or the sun behind some trees (as shot from a moving vehicle).

Tom slides down one of the littler Mayan pyramid things. We then go back to the concert, where the crowd is not clapping but is at least raising their fists in unison along with Tom. Eric tosses his hair in silhouette, then we see a cow's skull onstage. The crowd finally starts clapping along, and though Tom has stopped playing the guitar, he's really, really grimacing as he sings. I guess he's making song face.

We then see the sunset, still more temples, and more of whatever is shooting out sparks. Jeff is playing guitar silhouetted in front of it, whatever the hell it is. Eric helps Tom out on the mic, and the camera races up the steps of a big temple. The band run toward the camera on a country road, then we watch Fred from in between the arms of that cactus by the stage. Someone shakes hands with Tom, then we see a very smiley Eric and Fred at some kind of outdoor bar. We see people in thatched huts, and then Tom playing guitar on a bench with kids again.

As the video oh-so-slowly wraps it up, we see Tom on the horse again and the band by the fence again. At the concert, Tom leans way into the camera and makes weird faces. We watch Tom and Fred goof around at an outdoor market, then we see Eric in the rearview mirror of a truck, singing along. Fred/Jeff rides a motorcycle down the street, and Tom really, really emotes. The band try to read a newspaper, and a little boy runs down the road after their truck. Back by the fence in the jungle, everyone's making faces like it's the 10,000th take of them singing the song by the fence.

Then we get the umpteenth weird wiggly shot of them by the ruins. A waiter, dressed all in white, brings them a drink on a tray while they all sit on the beach. We see a lot of the band in concert, then we watch their legs walk down a road. Tom is wearing jeans and black and tan cowboy boots (the kind where the foot part is one color and the calf part is a different color) and carrying a guitar. Eric is wearing white high-tops and really, really tight stonewashed jeans. Then we zoom out to see the band, full-length, walking away from a camera down the road. The gypsy road? I suppose it is.



THE VERDICT Now, I love me some Cinderella, but I was boring even myself with this one. What the dilly yo? I like this song well enough, and obviously I love the band. I think the problem is that this is the beginning of the end of the Cinderella I love, and thus the beginning of the Cinderella I don't love, i.e. Heartbreak Station Cinderella. What's the problem?

PROBLEM 1: Lack of products. Now, I understand as well as anyone that when you're in a hot, humid place like Central or South America, not even the strongest amount of AquaNet is enough to keep your hair aloft. And of course, no one wants eyeliner running all down their face unless they're Alice Cooper. But that said, this first glimpse of Cinderella sans glam-ification is an augury of what's to come. Do you see how washed out Tom looks? And how Eric's hair just lays utterly flat? Fred is the only one who looks halfway decent, because he was never especially glam to begin with and his frizzy style is going to look roughly the same when exposed to humidity. Anyway, point is that I love the glam Cinderella, not the scaled back version of later years.

PROBLEM 2: Fred has nothing to do. Why is it that in later videos, Cinderella constantly find themselves in places where there's no place for a drum kit? Fred winds up just having to stand around like a dumbass, or, worse, pretend to drum on the damn Mayan ruins. I just don't get it. Like even if you have to lip synch for a video, at least you should get to pretend to play instruments too instead of just slapping at things or clapping along. This also happens extensively in "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)," where Fred is left to sort of tap on his thigh in time with the song for wont of drums.

PROBLEM 3: Not enough Tom growl. Long Cold Winter is, sadly, the last album that really has the distinctive Cinderella sound. Why? Because it's the last album where Tom sings consistently in his awesome growly, raspy voice. But even on songs like "Coming Home," you have to sit through a whole long part where he sings all normal, before you can finally get up the rocking part where his cool voice kicks in. Now, part of this may have been due to vocal problems on Tom's part. We all know that voices like this are really hard to maintain (*cough* Axl Rose *cough*cough*).

And if you’ve listened to the Cinderella (or most of Cinderella) tracks on either Metal Mania: Stripped album (both of which I highly recommend -- they're not 100% amazing, but there's more than enough there that you'll want to listen to every day for the rest of your life), you know that Tom Keifer can no longer sing like that at all. They try to cover it up on the version of "Shake Me" by changing the song around completely, so it's like this sort of bluesy little ditty, but on "Don't Know What You've Got" the lack is hideously apparent.

It's very different from someone like for example Phil Lewis, who never did that different of a voice and so who sounds great now, as evidenced on these albums (the version of "Ballad of Jayne" is better than the original, and the acoustic version of "Sex Action" is friggin' awesome). I guess the exception to the rule would be Mark Slaughter, who can still do all the screams and growls on "Fly to the Angels." Go figure.

SUMMARY: This video could have been awesomer. For one, they could have let actual Mexicans into the Cine Maya, instead of the tepid all-white crowd they got for the video, who can't even handle clapping along. Also, why not throw in some Jonny Quest-esque shots of like, random jungle animals? You could have had like a jaguar jumping or an alligator going into water or something. That would have been cool. And for god's sake, just get these guys some blowdryers, some mousse, and some friggin' waterproof mascara! That's what I say.

P.S.: Arrested Development reference FTW!

Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock"

We Don't Need No Education

THE VIDEO Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock," Stay Hungry, 1984, Atlantic Records

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I wanna rock! [ROCK!] / I want to rock! [ROCK!] / I wanna rock! [ROCK!] / I want to rock! [ROCK!]"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION We briefly see a classroom filled with kids talking loudly and throwing paper at each other, then cut to a pair of legs clad in slacks and men's dress shoes striding in authoritatively (the sounds of the kids' ruckus still audible throughout, along with the sound of the shoes hitting the linoleum). Suddenly, all the kids stop what they're doing and face the camera, and one kid runs through the room to grab his seat.

The camera pans up from the feet as the teacher makes it to the front of the room, and in addition to the fact that he's wearing a suit and bowtie, we also recognize that its Niedermeyer, the mean ROTC dude from Animal House. He smiles maliciously at the students. He says "hello, students" and snaps his fingers, making (from the sound of it) a door close and all of the kids sit straight up in their seats.

Taking off his jacket, he continues, "School has begun. The summer is over. I am in command." The students all groan and look down, and he says, "What was that? For that little outburst each and every one of you will spend three hours in detention, today, immediately after school, in the basement." The volume of his voice increases as he speaks, and he begins to walk up one of the aisles between the desks.

He stops beside one desk, and we see him looking incredulous. "What do you think you're doing?" Then we see a chubby rocker kid, with longish brown hair and a jean jacket, looking sheepish. The teacher holds up a hardcover book on which the kid has just scrawled a large "TS" Twisted Sister logo. Continuing to look stunned, the teacher says "Twisted Sister?" He then begins to get pretty histrionic, while the kid nervously looks on. "What kind of a man desecrates a defenseless textbook? I've got a good mind to slap your fat face." With that last line, the teacher, now obviously sweating, grabs the kid's cheek in his hand.



The teacher continues on, now yelling hysterically. "You are destroying your life with that, that garbage. All right, 'Mister Sister,' I want you to tell me, no, better yet, stand up, and tell the class," as he pulls him to his feet. "Whatta you wanna do with your life?" The kid, standing there all pitifully, suddenly cries out in the voice of Dee Snider, "I wanna rock!" and with the first chorus of "rock!" spontaneously transforms into Dee Snider, just as four of his classmates instantly appear as the other members of the band. This causes the teacher to be blasted upward, out of his shoes (which we quickly see on the ground, smoking). His head breaks through to the floor above, which is apparently the gymnasium -- as he looks befuddled, a basketball bounces just in front of his head.

He continues to make panicky faces, and a basketball player (who we see only as a pair of legs) appears in front of him, dribbling a ball. Meanwhile, back in the classroom all the kids have left, and Twisted Sister have made their way to the front of the room, where they grab the teacher's wildly kicking legs. They push him up through the hole in the ceiling, and we see him fly through the air in the gym.

We actually hear him yelling, even though the song has begun. The teacher flies through the basket, taking the net and rim down with him, and we see the scoreboard give Twisted Sister two points (for those keeping score, its Twisted Sister 02, Teacher 00). The teacher, with the net and rim twisted around his head, makes a growly face.



As the first verse begins, we're outside the school where we see a guy laying cement (surely, that won't come into play later!). In the background, we can see a group of people advancing (the video's too poorly lit to really see who it is). For the first big "No!" we see a concert-style shot of a bunch of kids shouting along, then we see Dee in full makeup for his first big "nono, nono, nooo." Okay, now that the people are getting closer, we can see that it's Twisted Sister along with a bunch of fist-shaking kids walking forward. The guy laying cement stops what he's doing to gesture to them to stop.

Then we cut to the teacher, who's up on the roof of this sort of breezeway thing. He sees the crowd coming and looks back with a devious expression. He then crawls toward the other side of the roof. For the second round of "no"s, we're back at the concert again, first seeing Dee, then A.J. Pero, then J.J. French, then Dee again, showing off his pasty midriff. As we launch into the chorus, the teacher jumps off the roof at the kids running by below. Of course, though, he jumps straight into the wet cement that they're all running past.

Dee opens chainlink doors, then we see the teacher lift his cement-covered face with an annoyed look. We then see kids yelling "rock!" along with the chorus. There's one really overexcited blonde kid wearing studded wristcuff-style things who is kind of amazing. They all rock out, and we cut between them and Twisted Sister, who are there with them. We then see the teacher sneaking out toward them, holding a grenade. Smiling, he pulls out the pin, and then throws the pin so it lands right at Dee's feet.

We now see a shot that shows us that all the kids are sitting in bleachers beside a pool, with the band standing in front of them with their backs to the pool. The second verse begins, with Dee and kids singing enthusiastically, then we see the teacher grinning. He holds his hands to his ears waiting for the explosion, then realizes that in one hand, he's holding not the pin but the grenade. He looks over at the grenade in horror. After seeing Dee sing, we then see the teacher trying desperately to throw the grenade away, but for some reason it is stuck to his hand.

As the second chorus begins, with Dee crawling through the railing around the bleachers and the kids in the audience enthusiastically headbanging, the teacher jumps into the pool. On the second "I wanna rock!" we see the explosion lifting him straight up out of the pool with water going everywhere, even though when we see the band the pool water behind them is absolutely placid. The teacher's ascent is stopped by the diving board, which he sort of ricochets off with the bottom of with his head.



For the bridge, Dee & Co. go back inside the school, and now on the "rock!"s we see a line of kids banging their heads into lockers. These are interspersed with shots of Twisted Sister coming down the hallway. We then see the teacher making wily faces, and he starts to sneak through a door holding several sticks of dynamite (we saw him just a few seconds before setting up the detonator thing). As Jay Jay kicks into the guitar solo, we see the teacher crawling along the ground holding the dynamite in his mouth.

In the meantime, a butterfly is buzzing around the uh… I don’t know the word for this… the t-shaped bar you push down on to make the trigger the explosion. It's marked "danger." We see the teacher crawling behind Jay Jay's legs, placing him now somehow onstage behind the band. But outside, the butterfly has settled on the t-shaped thing, and its delicate weight is enough to push it in. The dynamite of course explodes, and the teacher is blasted straight up in the air in a giant plume of smoke. Somehow, this also causes the butterfly to explode (or at least, its wings to snap off).

The teacher is caught by people in the crowd, and the band continue to rock out. The crowd pump their fists with every "rock!" We then see the teacher crawling down one of the school's hallways. He opens a door marked "Principal" and crawls into an office as we see each member of the band yelling "rock!" The teacher pulls himself up on the desk, and the person at the chair behind the desk spins around. It's Flounder, the fat pledge from Animal House. He gleefully says, "Oh boy, is this great!" then sprays the disheveled-looking teacher in the face with a seltzer bottle.



THE VERDICT It's weird how many battles Twisted Sister felt they had to fight, since they're so patently inoffensive. Yes, wearing makeup in a most unattractive way is odd, but it in no way marks them as offensive in the way that the bikini-clad strippers and casual pseudo-occultism of other bands' videos might to some eyes. Never the less, Dee Snider in particular has always been willing to fight for rock, as a mostly self-appointed spokesperson for the metal genre.

It seems a lot of people at the time were not that into him as a voice for metal, but at the same time, you didn't see most of those lads testifying before the Senate, did you (you did however see Frank Zappa and uh, John Denver -- and no, for the record, I'm not happy about having to link to a site that bills itself as a "a conservative news forum," but it was the only place I could find the excerpt -- and honestly whatevs, because Dee has since gone on to make peace with Al Gore).

While I don't always agree with Dee's opinions on things, I will say that he is much more well-spoken than many of these folks as well as being a very thoughtful person, so its not surprising he puts himself into the positions. Hey, he was also the host of the original rock program on MTV, Heavy Metal Mania, which eventually got turned into Headbanger's Ball (sans Dee).

It is weird though that people would go after Twisted Sister, and the fact that they did has got to be all about the makeup. Everything else about them is very, well, teenage, for lack of a better word. Actually, pre-teen. The majority of their hit songs are pretty much about rock, rocking, and one's rights thereto. Their two most famous songs, this one and "We're Not Gonna Take It" are both basically about the struggle between headbangers and various authorities over the right to play music loudly (whether you're the one actually holding the guitar or you're just playing it over a stereo). Both feature almost exactly the same plot, with a hapless young male turning into Dee Snider and the dude from Animal House (in this video as a teacher, in the other as a father) attempting to thwart the band's rocking.

Both videos are very intentionally cartoonish. I have heard Dee Snider say multiple times that they wanted the videos to seem like Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons, and they definitely succeed in that. Honestly, practically the only difference is that we don't see Neidermeyer receiving all his bombs and stuff in big boxes labeled "Acme." They aren’t really violent (they’re actually a lot less violent than the Roadrunner cartoons). They’re basically fun, and definitely made to appeal to a young audience (the kid in this video looks 16 max, the kid in "We're Not Gonna Take It" looks significantly younger, maybe 14).

If I had been the PMRC (shudder, shudder) would I have been worried about the youth of America listening to Twisted Sister? No. Yes, all their songs are about rebellion, but only in a very mild sense. They seem really to be more about affirming the unity of the people listening to the music than genuinely plotting the overthrow of those who would make them "turn it down." "We're Not Gonna Take It" made the "Filthy Fifteen" for its "violence." But bear in mind that Madonna's "Dress You Up" also made it on for "sex"! Trust me, there are much more lewd innuendoes out there than "gonna dress you up in my love."

It's like once they'd made it past W.A.S.P. and Prince and his army of protégés (Prince, Sheena Easton, and Vanity all made the list with easily the dirtiest lyrics of the bunch -- the Prince song, "Darling Nikki," is anecdotally the one that started the whole mess. If only Kristen and Karenna hadn't had that copy of Purple Rain, America might be safe for rock!).

Okay, wait, I am getting off track. Point is, it's like they were looking for anyone to fill out the rest of that list just so they could keep the alliteration going (I guess "Filthy Five" didn't sound threatening enough). I guess the idea of the youth of America putting on blush and eyeliner was enough to make this band scary. It's weird to me because to my mind, hell-o, it's totally possible for guys to look hot in makeup, just look at Poison. But then again, other bands… I guess maybe we should be glad Iron Maiden never recorded a song called "Can I Play with Gender?"

Guns N Roses, "Patience"

Because Every Bad Boy Has His Soft Side

THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Patience," GNR Lies, 1989, Geffen

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "Said woman, take it slow / it'll work itself out fine / all we need is just a little patience / said sugar, make it slow / and we come together fine / all we need is just a little patience"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video begins with a producer's hand turning on a uh… my technical knowledge is not so good here so I'll call it a tape recorder as Duff says, "one, two, one, two, three, four …." Izzy (I think, based on the hand only mind you) begins to strum an acoustic guitar, and our own W. Axl Rose begins to uhh… whistle.

Whistling is well, something I can't even get started on here, but let me tell you, it is a plague. Nothing better says to the world, "hey world, I am completely and utterly mindless" than whistling. I will take humming, murmuring to one's self, even nose picking over whistling. Never the less, this is how GNR, the hardest, heaviest, wildest, etc, etc, have chosen to begin their song, so who am I to say that by god whistling sucks.

Anyway. Axl's hair is super-straight, and he's wearing a bandana with a backwards-turned baseball cap over it. He must have a teeny-tiny head. If I was going to try a look like that, the baseball cap would have to be the size of a friggin' hubcab to fit over my giant head. Sorry, pointless. Anyway. He also has sunglasses tucked into the neck of his tee-shirt, which features some sort of large Japanese print on the front. Axl has rolled up the sleeves of his tee for a sporty look.

Axl sways around before fading out, while a view from behind the backs of the record producers comes into focus. The camera pans along behind them, and we see one turn to the other. We can see Duff in the far background, the soundboards in front of them, and in the near foreground, a table covered in refuse dominated by food wrappers and beer and champagne bottles.

Izzy comes briefly into view, but we quickly cut to a producer's hand cranking up the volume on a dial labeled "Slash." Then we see Slash, who basically is a cigarette poking out of a ginormous amount of hair. Don't worry though, we can also see his arms. He's playing an acoustic guitar with a mic hanging down in front of it.

Since there are no drums whatsoever in this song, we see Steven Adler blowing out a long match having just lit a candle or incense or some such crap. Though based on the wider shots we know the Gunners are technically in the studio, it looks like a Pier One threw up in there. Oriental carpets, pointlessly fringed tapestries, candles, decorative bottles, and chintzy-looking brass abounds. You expect Kirstie Alley or one of the Queer Eye dudes to pop out of there at any moment (or, if you're sort of drunk, you’re thinking the dude from the Counting Crows is way better looking than you remember).

We see Duff, then a wide shot, before coming in tight on Axl doing a slow version of the Axl dance with Duff's back in the foreground. A sliver of Slash’s face makes an appearance before we get a headshot of Axl, who is still whistling (it's been 40 seconds, but who's counting?).

Panning across the band shows off more of the crap they picked up at the Pottery Barn, before ending on Axl. Now is a good time to mention that he's completed his look with a gigantic studded belt and black leggings that are patterned with white thingies (I can't tell what they are -- they look like very wide "x"s).

Suddenly, we're in an old-fashioned, wood-paneled hotel lobby. A woman in a black leather jacket sits in a white chair reading, and a clerk is visible at the desk behind her. Behind him there are all of those little mail hutches, like when they sort all of their mail or whatever for all of the different hotel rooms. Next we see a hallway in the hotel, with three people (a man in between two women) backlit and walking toward us. They quickly fade into a shot of hotel room. We're facing the unmade bed, which has a large upholstered headboard. The lights on the bedside tables are turned on, and though the room isn't a wreck or anything there is a lot of stuff left out. By the bed's foot one of Slash's guitars is on a stand, and his hat is hanging on it.

Axl finally begins singing. We watch him emote sincerely for a moment, then we see Slash (shirtless, wearing black leather pants, black leather gloves, and many silver necklaces and bracelets) laying in the hotel bed and holding a hugeass snake. We pull back, and see that on the other side of the bed, a woman dressed all in black lingerie leans over and peels off her shirt.

We then go back to the studio, where Duff strums along in the foreground and further back Slash holds his guitar all the way up in the air while he plays (he’s leaning back all weird like he is sunk in a papasan chair). A wider shot reveals all manner of knick knacks (specifically, weird candelabra/statuary and elaborate end tables) behind Axl.



As we head into the first chorus, a well-dressed couple (the man in a suit and the woman in a strapless black evening dress and gloves) walk toward us down the hotel hallway, arguing. They fade away as they get near us. Back with GNR, all of the producers nod in approval and make adjustments on the boards.

Axl (who we all know is lost without a teleprompter) sings with his eyes on a sheet of paper he's holding to be sure he remembers all of the words. Lyrics remembered, he focuses on gyrating his hips while Izzy and Duff strum valiantly along and Steven uh… stares at the floor.

Next we're in a hotel room identical to Slash's, only we're with Duff, who's looking good in a white blazer and black everything else. He's smoking and sitting on the edge of the bed, and he stands up to grab a used room service tray (with a pot of coffee, a mostly-finished glass of o.j., and a bunch of crumpled-up napkins on it, if you were wondering).

Slash does one big strum, and Axl whispers "pay-shunse," then closes his eyes and tilts his head back while adjusting his package. Then Duff, still carrying the room service tray, passes a maid pushing a cart in the opposite direction. He's walking toward the camera down that same hallway we keep seeing. The maid fades away as she looks over her shoulder at Duff.

Axl begins the second verse sitting down, as is Steven, who uses a big mesh, metal thing to snuff out one of his candles. Axl almost cracks a smile while looking over at Izzy during the line, "sometimes I get so tense." Interesting. Then we see Duff, who is now in the hotel's lobby. The woman reading is still there, and the clerk is tending to a couple who are both wearing their jackets. He turns toward Duff as the couple exits, but then both he and the woman reading fade away as Duff inexplicably deposits his room service tray at the front desk. Now I am not much of a traveler, but even I know that you can just kind of, you know, set it outside of your room's door.

The camera zooms in toward Duff as he turns toward us, taking a drag on his cigarette and putting one hand on his hip. He also shows off that he has a big chunk of dark hair going on under all the bleached stuff in this. I love two-toned hair. We all know I love it on the luscious Mr. George Lynch, but this is more along the lines of Jan/Lynn from Vixen who had the like, raccoon tail thing going on under her hair. He appears to do a double-take at something to his right.

Axl stands up again for the chorus, and Slash hoists his guitar likewise. We then see a different view of the hotel's lobby, which is grand and old-fashioned looking. A bellboy enters carrying two suitcases with a man in jeans following, and two other men are on their way out. A couple of model-looking women converse animatedly on one of the couches, and the camera goes in close to pan across them. Steven Adler is sitting next to them, and he smiles bemusedly while scratching his head with a drumstick. He tilts his head back and looks at the ceiling.

Then we're back with GNR. Izzy, who looks like he just stepped out of a Black Crowes video (or Brent Muscat's dressing room, though I suppose it's really Brent who dresses like Izzy, and probably they're both really dressing like, I don't know, David Johansen from the New York Dolls), is sitting in front of a massive pile of Oriental rugs. It is like the longer the song goes on, the more tchotch fills the room. Somehow, even though there aren't any windows visible, it is getting darker in there. Suddenly Izzy is playing on a wooden bench, with a big vase or something next to him and screens next to him (I guess he went into another showroom, or the set of a Bang Tango video).



Axl is again overcome with emotion as we head into the guitar solo. Slash picks at his guitar, and Axl does a slow Axl dance with his eyes closed. Now, I am not the first to make this observation (it was actually Mike Myers on a Wayne's World special on MTV that coincided with the release of one of the Wayne's World movies), but if this video shows one thing, it's that Slash might like hookers but he loves snakes. I guess that's why his solo projects haven't been called Slash's Hooker Pit.

As a continuous shot of Slash playing with that snake in bed unfurls, we see a succession of -- come on, everyone, count along -- 1 (blonde in black camisole and thigh-high stockings getting into bed), 2 (different blonde, corset-y thing and normal tights continuing motion of getting into bed), 3 (dark-haired girl with bangs in red sitting next to him), 4 (dark-haired, black miniskirt, bending over and flipping hair), 5 (curly brown hair, sitting down on bed), 6 (reddish hair, black stockings, lying down facing him) -- 6! Six rather professional looking ladies with Slash. The last one disappears, and we go in close again to look at Slash, who's still messing with that snake.

Dancing Axl briefly reprises the whistling, then brings both hands together before bringing one finger to his mouth in a "ssh" gesture. The screen fades to black momentarily, then Slash kicks up again with the second (third, if you count the whistling) movement of the song. Dials are pushed as Axl looks thoughtful and brings his hands together, then holds them apart, palms up, feeling the music. He starts singing and doing some serious ass Axl dancing.

We then see Axl enter a room -- maybe another room in the hotel, but it is decorated in a much more modern way than Slash or Duff's rooms. There's a double bed with two framed photos over it, and French doors that are lit blue (they look like the screens that were behind Izzy before). On the nightstand, there's a large lamp and a phone with blue neon in it that is ringing. Also in the near corner there's some other low piece of furniture, a chest or something, that has a black leather jacket embellished with big white bones (like a fake skeleton pattern, a la Spinal Tap's "This is exact, my exact inner structure done in a t-shirt, exactly medically accurate.") draped on it.

Anyway, Axl walks over to pick up the phone. He picks up the entire phone unit, then (after a brief look at Steven and Izzy nodding along), he puts the phone to his ear, then looks at it, then throws the entire thing to the ground and repeatedly stomps on the phone (we see this close up). I remember when I was younger I always felt bad for the phone, because I totally wanted to have a phone like that.

Singing Axl smiles, and the whole band sings along for the "just a little pay-shuns / yeahhhh-ahhhhh" part. Axl swings a mic on a cord and catches it in his hand to start the badass coda of the song ("I been walkin' the streets at night" etc). He swings his butt around a lot, showing that he has a big scarf or something tied to his big belt. Slash tilts his head back enough that his face finally emerges from beneath his hair.



We then see Axl again in his hotel room (or whatever that room is). He's sitting in a little armchair with a lamp (like the one from the bedside table) and a white baseball cap on the table beside him. He leans forward, looking intently at his television. He's wearing a black tee-shirt with a red and yellow logo I don't recognize and blue jeans, as well as a lot of silver jewelry (most notably a couple of very large silver crosses). He is watching the video for "Welcome to the Jungle."

He crosses his arms, then we see over his shoulder to the tv, where the Axl of 1987 dances around behind Slash. We then see a shot that I do not believe is actually in the video -- it's the part where they're all in that bedroom together, and this is of Axl sort of shaking on the bed. 1989 Axl then rests his chin in his fist, looking jaded. "WTTJ" Axl leans on Slash and screams. Then we're back in the studio with Axl, who's really rocking out. Everyone sings along gamely, and Axl yowls like my cat demanding attention.

As the song wraps up, we again see the hotel hallway. The arguing couple is now walking away from us, and fading away from the moment we see them. The song ends with Slash hoisting his guitar and Axl sloooowly bringing the mic to his lips, as per the inevitable.

THE VERDICT My New Year's resolution? To devote more time to rockin', of course. And that means getting off my lazy (okay, in actuality, overworked and overextended) ass and start writing about more videos. The time has come! Maybe 2006 will be the year in which I actually begin to tackle the big GNR trilogy (b/k/a "Don't Cry," "November Rain," and "Estranged"). If nothing else, it is the year of the Poison 20th anniversary tour, and that, my friend, is something to look forward to.

Anyway. I learned a lot while I was writing about this video. I learned that I am totally rusty at the moment. But I also learned that I have been getting a lot of the words to this song wrong for years, which is especially odd since this is one of the GNR songs with more intelligible lyrics. I've always heard it as "sad woman, take it slow," not "said, 'woman, take it slow.'" Same with "I ain't got time for the game" -- I've always heard it as pain. Hm. I pride myself on my excessive lyrical knowledge, so this is a bit perturbing to me to say the least.

In general though, I love this song. Aside from Axl's trademark, cat-like wailing, it's a not very Guns-sounding song, but that's okay. After Appetite for Destruction, maybe we were ready for a taste of something different (if you'll pardon my pun). Sadly, however, I am not seeming to have a lot to say analysis-wise for this video. GNR Lies is a weird album. It has always struck me as killing time, like something they released just to tide people over between stripped-down, hardcore AFD and the over-the-top bombast of the Use Your Illusion albums.

You could argue that "Patience" paved the way for all of the Unplugged-ness to come, but seriously, people argue that about every acoustic metal song (and they're only right about "Wanted: Dead or Alive"). At least this one doesn't have a "the record company didn't want us to put this on the album, but we said we wouldn't put out the album without it, and it became our biggest hit" story (at least that I know of). (cough!) "Save Your Love" (cough! cough!) "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" (cough!)

Ok, now I'm just being mean, and you know I heart the metal, so that's just silly. Besides, I should really be trying to figure out what's up with the video. Does the white jacket and bussing of trays mean that Duff works at the hotel? Are Axl and Izzy in a different place? Did Steven actually leave the band of his own will, because they make him do all the lame stuff in this video? Axl's playing himself, right? Does Slash put down the snake at least to well, you know? We'll probably never find out. If y'all remember the pseudo-tabloid style cover of the album, it's all Lies.