Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Power Ballad Cliches, Part II  

THE VIDEO Poison, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Open Up and Say... Ahh!, 1988, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Eaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyv-ry rose has its thawn / jest laaaaaahk eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyv-ry naght / has its daw-aawww-awww-awwwn / jest laaahk eaaaayyyv-ry cow-ow-boy / sings his sad, say-ad sawng / eaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvv-ry rose has its thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwn" 

THE VERDICT Yeah baby! It's March again, so you know what that means! Wait, you don't know what that means? Allow me to refresh your memory! Once again, it's Power Ballad Month! For the entire month of March, we'll be focusing on one of hair metal's core components — the power ballad.

Kicking it off, it's Poison with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I picked this one for a lot of reasons. It's one of those songs everyone knows, and so you see it misattributed all over the place (Def Leppard? Guns N Roses!?!?). 

But for our purposes, its video boasts a bevy of power ballad video cliches. I went into this topic at length last year with the video that I argue originated a lot of these cliches, but "Every Rose" gives us a nice refresher on some of these. 

Lead Singer Has Lady Problems: I've made this argument at length elsewhere, but suffice to say that whenever it's a breakup song, suddenly the lead singer has a girlfriend. This signals to any ladies out there listening that hey, he's available. It also signals to the guys that he's not totally whipped, since I mean he is breaking up with her after all. 

"Every Rose" uses this just at the beginning of the video, and then never brings it up again. We see a truly glorious Bret Michaels asleep in bed with a woman who sort of looks like a more voluptuous version of Downtown Julie Brown. Okay, maybe it's just the fact that she appears to be sleeping in a sports bra and an incredibly high-waisted thong — seriously, it's like a Mom thong, if there is such a thing. I'm glad we've moved on from the time when underwear was cut that way.

 

Besides the thong, there's a lot of discomfort in the room. One, they've left a fire burning in the fireplace, which doesn't seem safe. Two, both have their eyes open and are shifting around a lot. Three, Bret is sleeping with a whole bunch of jewelry on — that is so uncomfortable! And if that stuff's cheap at all, he's gonna wind up with green stains on his wrists. 

Anyway, we just see this romantic interlude for the very beginning of the video. As soon as Bret gets out of bed (and just before we get to clearly see his teeny bikini briefs!) the shot fades out and we move on. Oh, also the song finally starts, since the whole beginning of the video is silent except for the rustling of the bed sheets and the crackling of the fire. 

Grainy Behind-the-Scenes Footage: Most of this video is shot in a sort of blue-tinted black and white, but we also see a lot of backstage footage that's in grainy black and white. I don't know what it is about showing some film grain that just screamed verite to metal video directors of the 80s, but they sure loved that stuff. Lots of C.C. DeVille and Rikki Rockett looking pensive. 

Footage of the Band Rocking Out: If this is your first introduction to this band, Poison don't want you to be confused by the fact that it's a power ballad. Similarly, if you forgot about "I Won't Forget You" and only listened to the other tracks on Look What the Cat Dragged In, Poison don't want you to abandon them, thinking they've somehow stopped rocking. As a reminder then, this video includes lots of live footage of the band playing songs that are obviously not this one. 

The part where Bret is screaming and windmilling his arms, with his eyes so bugged out he's a dead ringer for Jani Lane, gets used in a lot of Vh-1 montages. Also included are lots of shots of Rikki drumming super-intensely with his hair soaking wet with sweat. 

They also put in lots of slow-mo action shots. This has the advantage of demonstrating how hard the band is capable of rocking, while at the same time taking things down to a power ballad pace. Lots of the shots of Rikki are slow-mo, as is some stuff of Bobby smashing a guitar (or trying to anyway) and Bret jumping off some risers.

 

"It's Soo Hard On the Road!": Oh man, this video lets you know that as much as Poison's rocking, they really are leaving it all out on the stage, and are drained and broken men when the curtain falls. Seriously. 

There's no beer spraying and groupie groping in this video. Instead, we see a bunch of shots of Bret sitting around looking like his dog just died. We also see Bret getting his ankle taped, and Rikki having the same done to his fingers. Oh my god guys, they're killing themselves to entertain us! 

In case this isn't enough to convince us of the lonely, difficult life led by super-famous rock stars, we also see footage of an open highway through the tour bus' windshield, and the guys leaning their heads against the bus windows and staring listlessly into the distance. They pop off the bus and stretch, because being driven around in a tour bus is sooo hard. 

Perhaps the best of this though is the footage of Bobby Dall (who's barely in this video otherwise) crawling around on the stage, and being lifted to a semi-standing position by a roadie. It's unclear if Bobby's really that exhausted or if he's just pretty loaded, but either way it's clear rocking this hard isn't easy, kids. 

"We're Such Nice, Regular Guys!": Not all the backstage stuff is drama and sorrow. I mean, in this video most of it is, but we do still see a little bit of the fun-loving Poison we all know and love. Bret can't resist checking out the women hanging in the hallway backstage, or painting a white stripe down C.C.'s nose while he sleeps. See? Even though we're super-famous, we're still totally down to earth. Another name for this type of footage in power ballad videos is "We Would Totally Have a Beer With You."

Suddenly the Lead Singer Plays Guitar: Why is it that lead singers who never normally go near a guitar suddenly have chops when it comes to power ballads? I mean any other song, they're just the singers. Then the minute it slows down, it's like oh wait, I can do this too. 

A lot of this video we see Bret Michaels sitting on a stool in an otherwise empty space, playing an acoustic guitar with a blue rose painted on it. He's wearing wraparound sunglasses and a big black hat. 

I mean I get it — this is really Bret's song. But it's still kind of weird. At least for the solo, we see C.C. playing, so it's not like they try to convince us Bret suddenly became a guitar virtuoso. But still.

 

Ending on an Emotional Note: Though most of this video is live footage, we don't see many close-ups of fans. There are crowd shots, but all they demonstrate is that this is a quite-large arena. Toward the end though, we finally get close-ups — and it's a total of course shot for a power ballad video. Yup, it's a female fan, covered in sweat and her eyes shining with tears. An emotional experience for everyone! We also get the obligatory shot of the band members all putting their arms around each other and bowing to the crowd. 

I've heard this song about ten zillion times, and despite the fact that I don't care that much for the chorus (the enuncuation is too exaggerated for my taste, and it gets very repetitive and dirge-y), it's still a good one. 

I have heard Bret say before he wrote this song after calling some stripper he'd been dating while they were on tour for Look What the Cat Dragged In, and having a dude pick up the phone at her place. On the one hand, I guess it's an "aww" story, but on the other hand, come on, like this guy wasn't getting a ton of ass on the road? 

Still, this song has some truly great parts, mainly in the verses for me. The last bit, starting with "and now I hear you found somebody new / and that I never meant that much to you" gets me every time. Or maybe it's just that as Dave Chappelle and John Mayer point out, this song is really in the sweet spot of stuff white people like (or at least will dance to). 

They're just making the point that it has guitar in it, but if you really think about it, it fits. I mean it's metal, but it's also a very country song — listening to this, it's like duh Bret Michaels went on to do solo country stuff. 

Plus it doesn't have the hard edges that a song like "I Remember You" has, with the screamy vocals, making it an ideal gateway drug for people who never thought they'd listen to a metal song. If this is you, now go listen to the rest of Open Up and Say... Ahh!.

P.S. from 2020: Looking at some of my old notes for this site, I had gotten my hands on a VHS copy of Rock Video Girls 2, which includes the thong girl from the beginning of this video (that link goes to a photo of the back of the tape, you can see her really clearly). Her name is Monique Biffignani, and her only other credit is some Playboy lingerie thing. 

In RVG2, she says she left Oregon to go to LA when she was 13 or 14, and her big break was Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" (and yes, you can totally see her in that post — she's the brunette wearing red, satiny undergarments with a sheer white top over them). 

Monique said she heard from a girlfriend that they were looking for dancers for a video, and to go down and "look as hot as you can." She lied and said she had experience as a dancer, and was cast in the video. That also got her cast in this video — she says the Crüe had met Poison through a photographer, and she got recommended.

Her other uncredited appearances include videos for Tone Loc, Young MC, and Bon Jovi. I still haven't figured out which Bon Jovi video she's in, though she mentions it was shot in the desert and that JBJ was "really nice" and "very involved" in making the video, though she didn't get to talk to him much. 

(And yes, I also own Rock Video Girls 3, but the only VCR I could find died before I had the chance to watch it!)

Quiet Riot, "Party All Night"

I Hope No Bad People Show Up  

THE VIDEO Quiet Riot, "Party All Night," Condition Critical, 1984, Pasha 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Let's party all night, oh-oh! / let's party all night, oh-oh-oh!" [Repeat ad nauseam]

THE VERDICT This December, I've decided to get a jump on the holidays — no, I'm not going to do a month of Christmas videos. As I discussed last year, there aren't really any metal Christmas videos that are actually from the 80s, and I'm just not going to deal with a bunch of not-so-great covers. 

So sorry — this is the probably the one place you can turn to right now where you will not be accosted with holiday spirit. Instead, my gift to you this month is a treasure trove of some of the forgotten... mm, I'm not sure if we can call them gems. Let's just call them the metal songs you forgot. Quite possibly, some of these were so buried that you might not even have been aware of them at the time. 

If this were a hip-hop site, I'd call this digging in the crates month. But since this is a metal site... hmm. Digging in the vault? The videos that time forgot? I'm not sure. 

Anyway, on to this week's video! I've decided to kick things off with a Quiet Riot video for a song that's not especially well known. Believe it or not, Quiet Riot do have songs that aren't Slade songs! Besides "Bang Your Head (Metal Health)" even. 

"Party All Night" works on more than one level for this month's theme, as it feels like a song that was made for a movie that never existed, and the video likewise feels like part of a movie that never existed! In fact, this video is almost Y&T-like in its long-lost 80s movie that never actually existed-ness, and yet at the same time, not at all like a Y&T video in that there are no transformations. 

I mean yeah, there's no robot, but more to the point, no one gets a makeover, even temporarily, which as we'll see in a minute is kind of surprising.

 

The video starts with an older man in a tuxedo admiring himself in a mirror. In his reflection, we can see his wife from the back. As crickets chirp, she says, "Are you sure you'll be all right, dear? You know we hate leaving you home alone." 

We then see the mom from behind — she's in a fairly awesome 60s-looking cocktail dress (like something Samantha would have worn on Bewitched) and her hair is up in a twist. She's talking to her daughter, who sits on the floor in their large living room, which is decorated almost entirely in whites and pastels. The daughter says, in a squeaky voice, "Don't worry, mom, everything'll be okay. I'm a big girl now." As if to emphasize this point, she pouts and attempts to close her cardigan over her prodigious bust. 

They have dressed this woman up as a nerd in Sally Jesse Raphael glasses, a ponytail, a high-waisted full skirt, and a cardigan with one of those little chains holding it closed, but trust. This woman is not an actual nerd. She is exactly the type of gal who is always in heavy metal videos. 

And yet — spoiler alert! — not once in this video does she toss aside her glasses, take down her hair, and/or rip off her clothes to reveal some kind of leather bustier. Given that in any other metal video — including a Y&T one! — that 100% would have happened, I have no idea what's happened here. I mean why not just cast an actually nerdy-looking girl? Go figure. 

Anyway, her mom is all, "Well, now take care dear, look after the house, and don't make a mess." Remember how I said the whole living room was done in whites and pastels? White wall-to-wall carpeting. Remember that later. 

The girl replies, "everything'll be fine, mom, don't worry." Her mom abruptly says "bye" and turns to leave with the dad, who says "bye-bye!" and leaves. The girl cranes her neck to watch them leave, and then we get an exterior shot of the house to confirm yes, they are on their way out. (This video trusts us to make not even the smallest mental leap on our own.) 

Then we're back inside. The girl runs to the window and says "Goody!" then runs to the door. Outside, we see three more nerds — two guys and a girl — pop up from behind the hedges out front. She lets them in the front door and they all shriek hellos to each other.

 

They all run to sit down at the coffee table. The main girl says, "I'll get rid of my homework, ew, yuck!", moving some books aside to the couch. One of the boys pulls out some board games and says "Which one do you want to play first?" The girl yells "Oh boy!" 

Okay can I mention another weird thing. So one of the nerds — the main one who gets all the dialogue and is featured most prominently — appears actually nerdy. Skinny, balding, nervous-looking guy. 

The other one though has a thick head of hair, a square jaw, and a tan — he's the male equivalent of the main girl. I mean he's like basically the 'after' from a Y&T video dressed as the 'before.' Did they plan some whole other plot for this video and then bag it? It makes no sense. Both the guys are dressed basically the same, in button-down shirts and big geeky glasses. 

Anyway. The real nerd says, "Hey, I have an idea," and the main girl excitedly replies, "What?" He replies, "Let's have a real party — let's send out for pizza!" "PIZZA! Great!" cries the main girl, looking sort of like a Fast Times-era Jennifer Jason Leigh on speed. As he dials, she changes her tune a bit, complaining, "but don't get any anchovies, okay? I don't like 'em. Or mushrooms." 

We finally hear some Quiet Riot, but it's "Bang Your Head (Metal Health)" being played over the radio at Sandy's Cafe, which appears to be a drive-in (it's surrounded by cars and motorcycles) but apparently also offers pizza delivery. Sure, whatever.

An old guy picks up the phone and says, "Sandy's Cafe. You're having a party? Okay." A grizzled biker dude with giant hair and a punk with a mohawk stand at the order window listening in. The camera then pans over to some punk-ish looking people sitting on another part of the counter. 

We hear the nerd over the phone saying, "and we want a pizza. No anchovies. Medium. With tunafish and meatballs!" As he makes this last disgusting statement, we briefly see the nerd talking on the phone before going back to the guy at the pizza window, who says, "Okay. 424 Mayflower. It'll be there soon!"

 

As soon as he hangs up, we hear a cry of "PARTY!", and the punk rocker and the biker run off, as do the other people sitting on the counter, and the song actually finally starts. 

Given the party call to arms, the entire customer base of Sandy's Cafe mobilizes, and given that this video trusts us not at all, we get establishing shots to take us through every single part of it. We see people on the phone. We see people dialing phones. There is a long sequence not just of people getting into cars, but of people getting into cars, turning the key in the ignition, headlights coming on, and the wheels starting to turn. Hell, they could have showed us just the two guys running off and I think I would have gotten the idea! 

While the unsuspecting nerds are playing Trivial Pursuit, a whole menagerie of 80s stereotypes are parking cars on their lawn and making their way to the door. We've got surfers (complete with zinc oxide on their noses), punk rockers with elaborate mohawks, heavy metal chicks in the aforementioned leather bustiers, fat hairy bikers, women wearing bikinis for no reason — you want it, this video's got it. Was David Lee Roth directing? 

The main girl goes to answer the door — suspecting the pizza delivery, natch — and, as per every teen party movie ever, is pushed aside by the incoming onslaught of uninvited house guests. They all begin dancing around the living room immediately in spite of the fact that there is no indication that there is music on or that they have brought music with them (though they did bring a keg). 

Quiet Riot roll up once the party is pretty full. The nerds are hugging each other and trying desperately to keep control while the band sets up at one side of the living room. It's not 'til nearly three minutes into the video that we actually see the band playing music at all. The music horrifies the nerds, though everyone else seems to be into it. 

We see a woman's hand changing the TV channel knob — wow, remember doing that? Actually going up to the television to change the channel? — and she puts on, what else, a Quiet Riot video. We cut back and forth between Carlos Cavazo performing the solo in the living room and him doing it on TV. 

For their part, the people at the party seem to be much more interested in seeing it on TV. They keep turning up the TV volume, and a bunch of the metal women appear to be playing pattycake in front of the screen (you know, pattycake, pattycake, baker's man). Eventually, Carlos comes over and smashes the neck of his guitar through the TV screen.

 

The main nerdy girl fails at trying to offer her guests hors d'oeuvres (this is the point where in most teen movies, she'd give up and begin drinking heavily). This begins a long sequence of destruction. Everything these people have that can get smashed, thrown, and/or spilled does so. 

Extra sketchy bikers show up, and a motorcycle gets driven in slow-mo through the picture window. The keg gets thrown through the coffee table, the main biker guy passes out, and we keep seeing an outlet overloaded with plugs give off sparks. Things are not looking good. 

Then suddenly, the camera pulls back from Kevin DuBrow, and we realize his image is actually on TV. As it pulls back further, we see its on the nerds' TV, and they are all sitting on the couch in the unharmed living room watching it. The girl runs to answer the doorbell, and oh goody! The pizza's here! Tunafish and meatballs for everyone! 

But then the pizza delivery guy turns around and — surprise! — he's wearing the Quiet Riot metal health guy mask. OMG! Was it all a dream? Or was it just something they saw on TV? 

And wait — were they watching "(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (to Party)"? Because that is literally almost the exact same video. Hmm, except this one came out three years earlier. 

If it weren't that both of them are borrowing from tropes used in, I don't know, about a zillion cheesy teen movies, I think the Beastie Boys could've had a lawsuit from Quiet Riot on their hands. (Imagine that trial!) 

So long story short, possibly Ad-Rock was watching Quiet Riot videos. Either way, I've got Quiet Riot's back — I stole the title for this post from the Beastie Boys' video.

Megadeth, "Foreclosure of a Dream"

American Dreamin'  

THE VIDEO Megadeth, "Foreclosure of a Dream," Countdown to Extinction, 1992, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Foreclosure of a dream / those visions never seen / until all is lost, personal holocaust / foreclosure of a dream" 

THE VERDICT Given that it's election week (though by the time I've put this up Election Day will be past us, and as I write this now it's still a few weeks away), I figured that yes, I would go all political on you this week. 

I don't like to do it — mainly because metal is (believe it or not, despite all the PMRC antics!) a very conservative genre, and I am emphatically not conservative. But given everything that's going on, I figured a more subdued mood might be appropriate. 

Hence, I decided to turn to Megadeth, as out of every metal rocker of whose politics I am aware, Dave Mustaine's are closest to mine. [NOTE FROM 2020: Let's remember that I wrote this blog post in 2010, before Dave Mustaine lost his freaking mind. I can't even bring myself to link to his FOX interviews post-Trump. Just recall that back in 2010, to me he was still the guy who covered the DNC for MTV News.] 

I mean face it, the other choices are like Ted Nugent and Gene Simmons, and they're pretty far right. If I had to guess what other metalheads might be on the left, I'd have to go with the guys in Anthrax.

But for real, it turns out I haven't written about a Megadeth video for the past five years. Can we also mention that Dave's gorgeous (still!) and from the San Diego area? But okay, okay, I know. I said I was going to try to be more serious this week. But for real, that hair! Those lips! Can we mention also that he owns horses? 

 Okay, I'm really stopping now, because we live in depressing-ass times [NOTE: Again, I wrote this in 2010, which from the POV of 2020 looks like a banner year], and this is one depressing-ass video. Videos like this one are the reason why authors who write about heavy metal always have to be like "Well, it's mostly apolitical except" and then mention Megadeth. 

So what, exactly do we have here? This is a song that, unfortunately, probably way too many people can relate to right about now. Though I think Megadeth are describing a more general, metaphorical foreclosure of the American dream, the video actually begins by dramatizing an actual, non-metaphorical foreclosure. We see an older white couple — think an up-to-date "American Gothic" — sitting by as their home and possessions are auctioned off.

 

They're sitting in a black armchair that is, for whatever reason, the key visual motif in this video. Dave's sitting in it too the first time we see him, and as we move through the video, we see more and more different Americans sitting in the chair in different settings. 

Dave's got a goatee in this video, and lord knows I am not a fan of facial hair, but I can ignore it. Why? Because by god does that man have some amazing non-facial hair on his head. 

Anyway, who else is in the chair? A trio of Black women beside a bombed-out tenement. A couple of Native American dudes who have for some reason brought a tipee to a strip mall. Some white people on Fremont Street in Vegas. An old white lady in a vacant lot. They seem to like the Vegas location though — we keep cutting back to it, first just to the neon lights, then to a bunch of tourists taking photos. 

In case it's not obvious how foreclosures wind up happening (or where credit card debt comes from), we see a rancher-looking guy sitting in front of a sign that reads "BUY Now PAY Later." Hmm, maybe that's the metaphor of this video — we bought into the American Dream, and now we're paying for it? Though given what happens later in the video, I would actually guess Megadeth are chastising us for having bought into twelve years' worth of Reaganomics. 

I always can't get over how high budget this video is for Megadeth, especially given the late date. Despite the whole grunge thing, it's clear their label really believed in them. Goodness knows I did at the time, desperately as I tried to hide it! (It was definitely not cool to still be into metal at my ultra-preppy middle school, with the exception of Bon Jovi who got a pass.)

 

I mean in general, Megadeth's few videos seem more professionally done than those of many other bands. But in particular, given that this is the 90s, their label is really still putting money behind them. I mean just the number of actors in this video is humongous compared to your average metal clip. Not to mention the number of different locations where parts of this video were shot — even if they aren't flying the same people (or the same chair!) around, hiring a crew in a dozen cities isn't exactly cheap. 

In addition to the chair stuff, we see Megadeth playing the song in a weird space not unlike where they play in the "Hangar 18" video. Grated metal floor, really dark, metal walls, with random bluish spotlights highlighting the band members as they play. 

The spotlights turning on and off backlight them and as per the usual in this kind of video, make it a little hard to see anyone except Dave Mustaine. I mean based on his silhouette, Marty Friedman could be Jake E. Lee for all we can tell. The weird camera angles (up through the floor, down from the ceiling) don't exactly help the situation. 

The spotlights do help them, I guess, to transition between scenes. Often a spotlight will bleach out the screen, and then next thing you know instead of looking at Dave Ellefson (who really you can barely see in this video he's so backlit) you're looking at someone in the chair. 

Seriously, everywhere from Vegas to Mt. Rushmore to the White House to the Grand Canyon! There's also a pretty long sequence involving the Vietnam Veterans' Memorial — so again, the treatment of Vietnam veterans upon returning home, another instance of people being sold out by the government. (See also Poison, "Something to Believe In.") 

Hmm, what isn't Dave Mustaine getting at with this song? Seriously. Dave even gets all dramatic and does the Undertaker's throat-slitting gesture at this part. (I know, that's been around way before the Undertaker and has wider applicability, but whatever, it makes me think of the Undertaker!) 

Toward the end of this song, we get a spoken word interlude courtesy of George H.W. Bush — the "read my lips, no new taxes" thing. We see Bush on a TV in the window of a pawn shop, where two guys are walking out who appear to have just bought the armchair from this video.

 

This rings a little weird for me. I mean, I get it — the whole point of this song is promises broken, right? The American dream has become tarnished, or possibly we are delinquent in our payments toward it, or whatever. But I don't know. 

Based on what I know of Mustaine's politics [See all notes above!], he would favor some amount of taxation as necessary for allowing the state to provide services and for alleviating inequality. Then again, he probably would also favor a progressive tax that taxes the wealthy more heavily than the types of people they show in this video. 

Anyway, even though it's a) a catchy campaign phrase and b) something Bush senior reneged on, it doesn't work as well for me as say, Ministry's George H.W. Bush sampling in "N.W.O." ("a new world order," "what we are looking at is good and evil, right and wrong"). Yes, in many ways the "N.W.O." video (which isn't on YouTube?!) is a retread of Megadeth's own "Peace Sells" video, but the point is, I think the Bush stuff is used to better effect there. 

Long story short, I'm not 100% sure what's going on here. It's political commentary, yes, but let's face it — it's political commentary in a music video, and this is no "Who Cares Wins" (in other words, it's not like "let me explain this social problem to you"). 

At the end of the video, Dave Mustaine gets out of the chair. What does that mean? Move to Canada? Interestingly now, if you look at the lyrics, it would be really, really easy to turn this song into a song about bailouts. And before you go all crazy on me, let's remember what president got the whole bailout ball rolling. (Hint: It wasn't Obama.) 

P.S.: The national debt clock in the video says our national debt is $4,018,392,803. How quaint! As of my writing this, it's $13,605,571,600,000-ish dollars. Yeah the last six digits were going up so quickly I couldn't even keep pace with it long enough to finish typing the number. I'm not very good at adjusting for inflation, but so far as I can tell the 1992 amount of debt from this video would still be just $6,068,286,642. in 2010 dollars. Um... yikes. 

P.P.S.: Since I keep commenting from 2020, I might as well mention that the national debt as I'm writing this is about $26.6 trillion dollars, so that's roughly double what it was when I wrote this post almost 10 exactly years ago (not accounting for inflation, which is just... I can't).

Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'"

Here She Is, Miss Rock Fantasy  

THE VIDEO Helix, "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'", Walkin' the Razor's Edge, 1984, Capitol 

SAMPLE LYRIC "Gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight / gimme gimme good lovin' / ev-er-y ni-ight (ev'ry ni-ight)" 

THE VERDICT Since I used their distinctive "H" in my new logo, I thought it was only fair that this week we turn our attention to the dulcet sounds of Helix. I was about to do "Heavy Metal Love" (mainly because I wanted to talk about Hell Comes to Frogtown), but once I remembered this utter WTF-fest of a video, I couldn't resist. I even had to add "beauty pageant" as a tag because of it. 

This video takes the conceit of "Hot for Teacher," subtracts the kids and multiplies it by the leotards and underage girls of "Body Talk," then adds the comedic framing of an early Twisted Sister video to come out with a result that is completely ridiculous. And I mean even for Helix, a band that was extremely susceptible to ridiculous videos. 

Helix are sort of like the Y&T of Canada: Like Y&T, they were around forever, worked really hard, and are considered underrated (though less so than Y&T). They've got a similar sound, which I'd characterize as New Wave Of North American Heavy Metal. Think of it as like the NWOBHM, except with way less of an emphasis on the macabre and fantastic, and way more on partying. Oh, and lots of chanting. Lots of chanting. 

Also like Y&T, and importantly for my point here, being a bunch of not-good-looking guys, they are constantly placed in videos that either a) minimize their roles in the action, b) surround them with hot women who provide a visual distraction from them, c) are funny, making them the funny guys instead of just the un-hot guys, or d) do all three. This video does all three and then some. 

The video begins with a couple of sportscasters having some witty banter that seems choppily edited, I'm assuming because something NSFW gets said. Turns out not only is this video ridiculous in its current state. It also has a completely over-the-top (and completely NSFW) unedited version that was created to be aired on the Playboy channel (!) and which doesn't just feature Traci Lords, I mean it features Traci Lords. When she was 16, no less. Way to keep it classy, Helix. 

You can't get your hands on that version, because duh, illegal. Anyway, here's what you get in the edited version: Bald sportscaster: "Well, what can I say, another extravaganza! You can cut the suspense with a knife! I haven't seen so many- boy, the guys in Helix look good, don't they?" Handsome sportscaster: "What can I say?" Bald sportscaster: (nods)

 

It then cuts to a ditzy, vaguely Southern-sounding blond who the screen identifies as "Beth Broadway, Miss Rock Fantasy 1983." In perfect pageant-ese, she says "Gosh, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back here this year. All the girls are such fun, and such wonderful friends." 

After this, it cuts back to the handsome sportscaster, who says, "It looks like we're ready, so let's go on down to the floor for the third annual Miss Rock Fantasy Pageant." There's an announcer down on the stage who says, "And now ladies and gentlemen, without any further ado, I'd like to present the girls vying for the crown of Miss Rock Fantasy. Girls, take a bow!" before things actually start with the Lady GaGa -slash- post-op Heidi Montag-looking Miss California, who is nearly falling out of her leotard (which is definitely more low-cut than the others), as she pouts and air-kisses for the camera. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this woman is probably from porn. 

We then see a montage of the different contestants either dancing, or in many cases standing still and moving their hair around with their arms, on the lighted walkway. They are all wearing the exact same thing: Black heels, blue sashes, and green and black leotards. The leotards feature a sort of black suspenders look, as if this is possibly two separate leotards and the black is layered over the green. American Apparel, take note. Oh wait, you already have. 

We start with Miss Utah, a spunky young brunette who we'll later see looks like a favorite to win. Let me also mention she's played by Brinke Stevens, who a) is in tons of B-horror movies but also b) is totally from San Diego! She should've been Miss California. 

She's followed by Miss Georgia, a bored blond a very underage Traci Lords, and then Miss Vermont, who has an incredible amount of hair — it's like knee-length! Miss Texas is older-looking blonde who seems to have experience dancing on a lighted catwalk. 

The next two look kind of young — Miss Illinois, a girl-next-door brunette, and Miss Arkansas, an especially high-school-age-looking blonde who looks nervous. Last up is Miss New York, whose dancing and comportment is vaguely Flashdance-esque. 

Ohhh wait. As the song kicks in, here's the band. They've decided to color-coordinate in black and red, all in sleeveless tops with leather pants. Studs are everywhere. Oh wait, I don't mean the guys in Helix are studs. I mean like, they're wearing lots of garments and accessories with little metal grommets attached to them. Don't get it twisted. 

Anyway, there's much synchronized headbanging and guitar waving. As the first verse begins, we see one of the contestants come out to, uh, perform. Is this the talent portion? She's wearing a sleeveless black thing, black booties, sheer stockings, and fingerless black gloves. But it's easy to ignore those given the GaGa-esque halfmask she has on. Half is black and studded, while the other half is just these long, spiky feathers. She carries two coconuts down the catwalk, which she places beside her feet before smashing one of them with a giant wooden mallet. Uhhh oh-kayyy.

 

This causes singer Brian Vollmer to somersault off the drum riser, which is covered in contestants. The contestants basically dance all over the stage the entire time the band is performing, not really moving around or anything, but just sort of bopping back and forth in place. 

The masked contestant smiles and then growls at the camera, which makes the handsome sportscaster sweat like he's in a sauna. I'm not 100% sure about this ID, but I'm thinking this is Traci Lords/Miss Georgia. I'm not very up on 80s porn stars though. 

Anyway, the other girls tease Brian with their dance moves, and before you know it we're onto contestant number 2. She's wearing a very early 80s heavy metal studded black bodysuit with a cut-out that goes down to the navel (and coordinating fingerless gloves!), and sheer black stockings with garters. She does a sexy dance (while smoking a cigarette no less) that ends with her posing on a chair. Hmm, I think the first contestant had a better talent, but we should probably wait for the ballgown portion to judge. 

The chorus features more dancing around, and many, many shots of Miss New York's crotch. Apparently she was right in front of the camera, and apparently they liked it that way. Half the time her lower bits are taking up about half the frame, with the members of Helix in the distance behind her. 

Oh! Here we go. Another "talent." This one appears to be Lady GaGa/Miss California. In an extremely low-cut black thing that makes the last contestant's attire look tasteful and a pair of elbow-length (you guessed it!) sheer fingerless gloves, her talent appears to be catching white feathers that are falling from the ceiling with her tongue. This makes bald sportscaster sweat and say "WOW" to the camera. 

Did I mention before that Brian seems to like Miss Utah best? He keeps leaning on her and pulling her into the frame. In other news, Miss Texas continues to look super-bored. 

The guitar solo consists of a black-and-white shot of Brent Doerner walking down the catwalk — which has been colored in purple for some reason — and kicking the lightbulbs off with his foot as he walks along. Hmm. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the video, but whatever. At least he doesn't have to play the solo from like, behind some woman's butt.

 

Can I also mention that "Doctor" Doerner kind of looks like Bruce McCulloch from The Kids in the Hall? 'Cause he totally kind of does. 

Just when you think it's over, there's another talent portion. This one is Miss Vermont, identifiable by the fact that she has more hair on her head than everyone else in this video combined. She comes out in a totally weird get-up with red heeled boots and a hat, and she's got a red motorcycle on the catwalk. Compared to the others, she's demure — she has on an oversized leather vest over her low-cut bodysuit and stocking/garter combo. Oops, nevermind, she just took that off, causing the balding sportcaster to intone, "What can I say!" 

This also makes Vollmer jump off the drum riser and do a somersault again. Or knowing Helix metal videos from this era, this is probably the same shot they used earlier. Actually nope, it's not -- the girls are gone. 

Anyway, wow, so Vermont's talent includes mounting the front wheel of the chopper in reverse and waving around her truly prodigious amount of hair. Something tells me she's not going to win, even with this crowd. 

The video ends with the band and all the contestants huddled in together, with words across the scene claiming "We'll be back to crown our winner after this..." Some weird dude with a mustache Rip Taylor has made it onto Miss Vermont's chopper, and though he's super-excited to be there, I'm not really sure why he's there. Oh wait, for all the topless porn stars! Duh. 

P.S.: Amongst all this weirdness, how'd I manage to forget to mention this song is a cover? It was originally performed in 1969 by a Canadian bubblegum pop act with the improbable name Crazy Elephant. 

Ratt, "I Want a Woman"

Personally, I Want a Warren

THE VIDEO Ratt, "I Want a Woman," Reach for the Sky, 1988, Atlantic

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "I want a woman! / Not some little girl / Who had to grow up in daddddy's big world / I want a woman / Who can really love meee, yeah-ah / Dead ringer of a woman"

THE VERDICT I realized the other day that I haven't done a Ratt video in wayyy too long. Ratt rule. One, their San Diegan provenance was a key factor -- I kid you not -- in my decision to move out here. Two, Warren DeMartini has largely retained his hotness over the years, and I have a picture of me that he autographed.

Three, in spite of their somewhat unusual style (though they're never really credited as such, they're pretty much the only glam band and one of the few metal bands overall to have never done a ballad), their songs more or less always kick ass. Even when they have slightly silly subject matter, as this one does, Ratt keep it together. But what makes this video rule? Well, I like to make lists, so let's count the ways.

1) The weird meta framing: I like how they kind of decided they needed to give this video a plot. Like other Ratt videos (e.g. "Slip of the Lip"), rather than actually putting women anywhere near Ratt, they decided it would be better to have this weird sort of women-watching-Ratt voyeuristic thing happening. It's improbable and probably projection on their part, but whatever.

Anyway, the video kicks off with close-ups of a woman's mouth as she confirms that various cameras are ready to begin filming the Ratt video and watches video from it on monitors. I especially like that all the cameramen (who we see and hear in the voiceover) are wearing jackets with "Ratt Video Crew" stenciled onto them.

2) The women, duh: This video is incredible for its true-to-life montages of 80s women. You do not feel like they hand-picked fans to be in this video, let alone cast models. These are honest-to-goodness Ratt fans, making this video an incredible slice of metal history. I mean seriously, even think of the girls they show at Gazzarri's in Decline II -- these are not those girls. Maybe LA girls are just hotter, but whatever.

I can't find where this video was filmed, but I'm going to go with Cleveland. Usually you can find a radio station-themed sign in the audience to figure this stuff out, but no luck here. Based on the fact that everyone seems to have jackets with them, I don't think we're anywhere that warm.



Wait, scratch that. It took forever, but this is why I literally watch these bad boys frame by frame: I found a fan sign including radio station WLLZ. Detroit!!! Yes! This is totally it -- they recreated the logo on the tire for the sign. And indeed -- Michigan makes so much sense when you look at the ladies in this video. Gosh, I feel like a detective when I figure this stuff out, you guys.

Much of the video that isn't the band performing is basically a competition among these women to out-awesome each other. Some high points: The brunette in a white crop top, what appears to be an obviously stuffed bra, and an amazing chain belt. The girl with the really intense red lipstick who spins toward the camera and looks really obviously underage, as well as the girl in the puffy white outfit who has made her hair nearly stand on end, are super 80s.

Some of them I wonder about -- are they the other fans' moms? Or am I just seeing a range of ages? The woman with the bangs and the bad perm -- okay shoot, that's almost all of them, but I'm thinking of one in particular who is chewing gum and seems embarrassed to be on camera -- really seems like a mom.

In general, a lot of these women look like what I remember girls who were a lot older than me looking like around this time. Like when I was in kindergarten and first grade -- this is what the girls in the sixth grade pages of the yearbook looked like. In other words, they looked awesome.

I hate to say it, but some of these gals are flat-out ugly. And yet they made it into a music video! For this, I give them props. Also though, it says a lot about Ratt's budget that they apparently had to use whatever footage they got, as well as that they couldn't afford to just stack their crowd with beautiful women -- think of all the Def Leppard videos from Hysteria that are on that "In the Round, In Your Face" compilation. And that was in Denver.

Or gosh, even the girls in "Your Mama Don't Dance" who know all the words and seem to really love Poison. Maybe Ratt girls just aren't as hot as some of the other fans. But wait, I love Ratt! This is a pickle. But seriously, one of these gals has braces. And I mean come on ladies -- spit out your gum! You're in a Ratt video, for goodness' sake!



3) The ridiculous lyrics: Even for Reach for the Sky-era Ratt, this song is an weird one. I mean the chorus repeatedly ends on Steven saying he wants a "dead ringer of a woman," which I can only take to mean that, despite the song's repeated claims otherwise, he wants a female impersonator. I mean didn't anyone look up what dead ringer means? He wants a duplicate of a woman, or something easily mistaken for a woman.

It reminds me of in Arrested Development, when their lawyer, Barry Zuckerkorn (played by Henry Winkler), tells them he is trying to get back into the dating scene. I mean "groovy lips," "high heels", "red dress"... this is not necessarily going to net you an actual woman these days. Then again, in 1988, who knows. He could easily be describing Kelly Bundy.

Also I can't talk about this song without mentioning its gratuitous oral sex reference: "I take you up north, and then you wanna go south / you're just leaving another bad taste in my mouth!" What is this, a Great White song? Come on Ratt, you can do better. As allmusic says, this song "demonstrate[s] singer Stephen Pearcy's unfortunate inclination toward dumb rock cliches, a component of Ratt that consistently undermines the musical achievements of the band."

4) The well-prepared audience: I love the level of sign-making craft that this audience has gone to. You can often tell in metal videos when they've clearly informed the fans ahead of time that the show is being filmed (you see this particularly often with Bon Jovi), but Ratt fans really craft these things well. I mean even in regular Ratt videos the audience members have often made crazy signs with like, really detailed mechanical rats and such. I love this.

Why do I love it? Well, many reasons. I am a big "fan art" aficionado in general. But also (obviously) it reminds me of wrestling, where fan sign-making has more or less reached its apotheosis. Seriously though, if people had just saved this stuff... I would totally collect heavy metal fan art. As it stands, I'll have to settle for my t-shirt collection.

Ugh, this reminds me though that the other day I saw a woman down in Hillcrest with a literally astonishing Ratt shirt on -- it was a concert-specific tee (those are so hard to find) from a New Year's 1985 show. I seriously nearly died of jealousy. And I already own two Ratt tees: A really great (and older than hers!) Out of the Cellar tour tee from '84, and a Reach for the Sky tee too. but I was still really, really jealous.

And this is not a position I often find myself in in the heavy metal t-shirts department, if you know what I'm saying. I mean, as I write this, I'm wearing a Whitesnake Slip of the Tongue east coast tour tee. I also have a 1987 Whitesnake tour tee. Now who's jealous!



5) Talking about this video makes me remember Beavis and Butt-head's commentary on this video: Face it people. I will take any opportunity I can to talk about two things that aren't technically about metal but aren't entirely unrelated, and those are professional wrestling and Beavis and Butt-head. I recently gifted my dad and a close friend with the entire series, so I've been rewatching (and reliving my old watching) of a lot of these episodes lately. When they watch 80s metal videos is my favorite (obviously!), and they don't disappoint on this one. I transcribed it as best I could, minus a lot of the background laughter. Just assume you're hearing "heh heh" and "huh huh" the whole time.

The boys start out critiquing the coolness of Ratt. Based on their approximate ages, I would say they're right -- Ratt probably were most popular around then, though this song would have come out a bit later.

Butt-head: Uh-ohhhh
Beavis: (grumbling) Ohhhh... dammit. Hey Butt-head, was this stuff ever cool?
Butt-head: Uhhh, I think this might've been cool when we were like, five years old.
Beavis: Ohhhhh yeah. I think my mom used to like sing this song as a lullaby like when I was going to sleep, heh heh.

The best part comes when they start showing all the women in the video, as Beavis and Butt-head's creative juices begin to flow. Ew, it's not a euphemism! Seriously, Butt-head pitches a show. A TV show, pervs!

Butt-head: Whoaa! These chicks look like real sluts! [This is in response to the woman dancing on the balcony with the sign.]
Beavis: Yeah yeah, it's like, I think these chicks are really sluts!
Butt-head: Yeah, see? Slut. Slut. Slut. [As they show different women turning toward the camera.]
Beavis: You know what else, it's like these chicks are all like, sophomores.
Butt-head: Yeah! That's cool. (more laughter) Hey Beavis, I just got an idea!
Beavis: Oh yeah? What?
Butt-head: They should have a show, you know, like COPS, only they should call it SLUTS, and they just like, follow these sluts around with a camera.
Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, they could have like "SLUTS in Houston," and then like, "SLUTS in Phoenix," and then just like, just like COPS. That was a really good idea, Butt-head!

So basically, Joe Francis owes Mike Judge some serious dough, because Beavis and Butt-head came up with the idea for Girls Gone Wild like, years before he did. And where did Mike Judge go to college? In San Diego. I'm just sayin'! They wrap up with a critique of Stephen Pearcy's whininess:

Butt-head: Yeah. (laughter) This guy keeps going, "I want a woman," but it's like, I want a woman too, but I'm not out there singing some crappy song about it!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah it's like, so he wants a woman, so what? So does everybody! I do like the sluts, though.

Personally, the women in the video don't do it for me -- I want a Warren. DeMartini, that is! Even in pouffy pants and ankle boots, he's looking fine in this video. Admittedly, it also appears to be Robbin Crosby's finest hour -- he's looking rather fit in leather pants. Juan Croucier has made his hair extra, extra-poufy, and donned a fringed jean jacket, all the better to make dramatic gestures in. But for me -- even though he's barely in this video, Robbin does the more prominent solo -- Warren D. is the most want-able thing on screen.

Spinal Tap, "Bitch School"

The Majesty of Schlock

THE VIDEO Spinal Tap, "Bitch School," Break Like the Wind, 1992, MCA

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "It's time to give the whip a crack / I'm gonna have to send you back / to bitch schoooool! / bitch schooooool!"

THE VERDICT That post about "Girlschool" last week put me in mind of this video, which let's face it, isn't all that different. This is the genius of Spinal Tap: It's a parody that goes so far around the bend in being a parody that it basically comes all the way back and is the real thing. I could turn this into some kind of crazy Baudrillard simulation/simulacra/simulacrum thing, but I'll spare us. Suffice to say, they totally put the rather excellent "Big Bottom" on The Heavy Metal Box box set from a couple years back.

The concept of this video is literally the same as that of the Britny Fox one last week: "The whole video takes place in an all girls' school." Pretty much the biggest difference is that the teacher is a sort of Marilyn Monroe lookalike in S&M gear as opposed to a husky harridan. I guess also the girls go from being out of control to being under control rather than vice versa. And the band jumps into the classroom rather than having the classroom wall appear to drop away, implying that of the two this video actually had the higher budget.

While Britny Fox's video is sort of funnyish -- there's the whole thing with the janitor, and the teacher getting all flustered -- what really separates the Spinal Tap video are the segments that are explicitly meant to be humorous. So one of the times they all leap into a new set, Michael McKean -- I mean, David St. Hubbins -- winds up stuck outdoors. And the sexy teacher bites through chalk as well as lipstick -- possibly I should incorporate this into my classroom repertoire to bring my students in line.



None the less, the more I watch this video, the less different it is from other heavy metal videos that take place in schools. I mean think about it: Scantily clad women doing weird aerobic workouts? Why yes, just like in Kix's "Body Talk." Catholic school girls out of control? Uh-huh, just like in "Girlschool" from Britny Fox, which we looked at last week. Sexy teacher shown walking through a crowded classroom from behind? The exact same shot is in Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher." Nigel Tufnel plays a guitar made of Marshall amps in front of a giant stack of Marshall amps? The real metal guys just wish they'd thought of that one.

You could make the argument that the song is too silly to be taken seriously as a "real" metal song. Okay, sure -- the whole thing is a long metaphor about dog training (did it help give Christopher Guest the idea for Best in Show? Um, I totally hope so). On the one hand, degrading to women -- on the other hand, easy to claim it was a song about a dog (though I guess the video makes it a little tougher).

Does this sound familiar to anyone? It should, if you've ever heard Axl Rose explain the Guns N Roses song "Used to Love Her" -- a.k.a. "I used to love her, but I had to kill her." With all the stuff about how he can still hear her complain, and she's buried in the backyard, and blablabla. And when actual people did complain, what rationale did Rose use to explain his lyrical artistry? It was a song about his dog.



This is why Spinal Tap keeps coming back every ten years or so: Because there are all these little ridiculous things just littered all around the metal landscape, just waiting for someone to pick them up and realize they are hilarious. And I don't mean one of those idiot talking heads on Vh-1 -- don't even get me started on them. Seriously. Don't. Even. Get. Me. Started.

What credential does some bimbo from HGTV have to be talking about metal? Or most of those stand-up comedians? Or anyone whose claim to fame is being a contestant on a Vh-1 reality show? Puh-leeze. That should be me up there people. That. Should. Be. Me. I know way more about metal than any of those idiots with the exception of Eddie Trunk and come on -- I am way easier on the eyes than Eddie Trunk. Trust me.

Okay, okay, okay. Back on track. Let's just say Tap rules. Allmusic is always all "well they're parody songs, so you can only listen to them so many times," but I say not so. They're pretty well done and eminently listenable. I mean sure, a song like "Sex Farm" is no "Cherry Pie," but it's a hell of a lot better than something like "The Lumberjack" (if we're going to stick with all songs that are silly metaphors for sex). In other words, Spinal Tap are a more competent metal band than, well, more than a few real metal bands.

David Lee Roth, "California Girls"

Katy Perry Is No Diamond Dave

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "California Girls," Crazy from the Heat EP, 1985, Warner Bros.

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRIC "[I dig them girls!] I wish they all could be California / [Ow!] I wish they all could be California / I wish they all could be California girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrls"

THE VERDICT As someone who has now lived in California for four years, and who -- while inevitably growing older -- still considers herself more or less a "girl," I've got to tell you, I freakin' hate this Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg "California Gurls" song. Every time I hear Perry doing the "oh-OH-oh-OH, oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OHHHHH" part I want to scream. It's so overproduced, so calculated, so... inaccurate. I mean women out here don't even bother with the short-shorts. I've seen girls walking around the Gaslamp (which is like the Times Square of San Diego -- disgusting, touristy, overpriced, etc.) wearing just bikinis paired with high heels. Bear in mind now this is nowhere near the beach -- just near San Diego harbor, where you can't exactly swim, let alone tan -- and that the one downside to Cali (besides no Dunkin' Donuts -- don't even get me started on that) is it gets COLD here at night! Damn girls, put on some clothes!

Or since that's probably not going to happen, can we just turn off the Katy Perry, and turn on some David Lee Roth? I know he doesn't add much to this song besides all the "Ow!" and "Ze-bops!", the eye-rolling, and of course all the roundhouse kicks. But can we please acknowledge that the Beach Boys wrote a great song, and that Diamond Dave is an amazing showman? I think we can.

This video begins -- amazingly, not with David Lee Roth or any of his associates in fat suits -- but, of course, with a creepy and bizarre panoply of racial stereotypes. I know Dave fancies himself quite the comedian, but these are not his strengths, and there's a reason why these often get stripped off the beginning of his solo videos that doesn't have anything to do with the running time. But since obviously I'm a completist, we're going to talk about them here.

We kick off with a titular quote from "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," attributed to Maurice Chevalier who sings it in Gigi. DLR continues the lecherous tradition with the addition of "and some of the other sizes too." I wish they'd actually taken it more literally (it means "little" in the sense of age more than size), so we could have a whole conversation about David Lee Roth, cougar hunter, but alas.

Following the words "somewhere in California" (uhh, I'm going to go with Venice), we get a creepy version of the music, and an even creepier voiceover that I'm guessing is meant to evoke Rod Serling and the Twilight Zone: "Submitted for your approval, a busload of tourists on a road a travel agent never told them about, a road leading to the shadowy tip of nowhere, to the land of the different, the bizarre, the unexplainable. They thought they were headed for fun in the sun... not quite. These visitors are trying to go home again, but where they're headed is another dimension entirely, one of wonder and imagination. Fasten your seatbelts, signposts up ahead, as they take a turn into the Sunlight Zone."



Who's on this journey? We've got old friends, and new friends and even a bear... okay, no bear. But get familiar, 'cause come "Yankee Rose," you're going to get to see a bunch of these all over again:

- Obviously, we've got Dave, looking extra-crazy. He's wearing a white tour bus operator's uniform that makes him look like an extra-spiffy ice cream truck driver, or maybe a milkman.
- We've got a fat lady dressed in loud, bright colors (even for 1985), heavily made up and smearing on more makeup as the bus travels (I should mention, everyone's bouncing up and down to emphasize that they're on a moving bus).
- Waldo from the "Hot for Teacher" video, looking extra-disgusting and messily eating a doughnut.
- Beginning the racial and ethnic stereotypes section of our tour bus, we've got a black couple. Both are dressed loudly, with sunglasses. The man is wearing a big hat and is picking his teeth while grinning broadly; the woman has on red sunglasses and is applying and reapplying bright red lipstick.
- A vaguely unhinged-looking plus-size lady, who appears to be dressed as a bride. She's gripping a large bouquet of fake flowers and looking around nervously.
- The next couple are either stereotypical Italians or Hispanics -- it's hard to tell with David Lee Roth videos. I'm going to go with Latinos here, since Dave usually stereotypes Italians as Mafiosos. This is a guy in a hairnet and mirrored glasses smoking a cigarillo, and a woman with big hair and sunglasses holding a baby (or something we're meant to think is a baby anyway).
- A shifty-looking Arab man, sweating profusely in a suit and a shemagh.
- A pair of nerdy Asian tourists, photographing everything. Real original, Dave. Sheesh.
- Okay this one I'm less sure about. A very tired-looking old white man who appears to be wearing some kind of costume ears.
- Next a more stereotyped white guy -- a fat bearded man in a flannel shirt and a cowboy hat sucking down a beer wrapped in a paper bag.
- Another sweaty, vaguely Arab guy. I think he's also wearing a keffiyeh but it's harder to tell.
- Last we get a vaguely Rick Moranis-looking, super-nervous white guy wearing big glasses and a sailor suit.

I guess they didn't trust Dave to actually drive the tour bus (one of those ones you ride around theme parks or country clubs, with just a little canopy roof and open sides) with the occupants in it, because when he pulls it to a stop on the boardwalk, there doesn't seem to be anyone in it (though we do get reaction shots of people looking nervous). The beach they're on is deserted and looks freezing, or maybe like it's early morning. Or like it's freezing and it's early in the morning.

As Dave's spangly shoes step out onto the pavement, the actual song finally starts (a minute and twenty seconds in to the video!). Everyone gets out of the bus, and heads for the beach, walking through fog and some weird stuff -- fallen-down fences (the kind they use to shore up dunes back east, but which I've never seen at a beach out here), caution signs, and white crosses buried in the sand as if it's a graveyard. The significance of this never becomes clear, so don't get excited, I don't have any insight for you.



Finally, the meat of the video! Dave and babes interspersed with reaction shots of Dave and various of the passengers, all of which are shot with what seems like a little bit of a fisheye lens, to make their appearances a bit more exaggerated. The first four segments illustrate the lyrics of the first verse, which I love! We've got:

- East Coast Girls: Love this one! An Elizabeth Berkley-looking woman in a white bikini and sunglasses gyrates with a pole in front of a brick wall covered in graffiti. She's holding something unidentifiable -- a cheeseburger? A cheesesteak? Ungh I totally want a cheesburger now. Great. Dave's wearing all black on top -- leather jacket, scarf -- with pink and blue spandex on the bottom.

- Southern Girls: Wow. Dave is standing with a model in front of a vintage red truck, with a confederate flag hanging behind them. She's wearing a pink bikini, a big hat, frilly white socks with heels, and gloves while sipping a drink through a long straw. In an effort to outdo her, Dave is wearing boot, jeans with the thighs cut out of them, a red bandanna, an open jacket, a hat and gloves. He may or may not be wearing a holster as well. Okay, no, it's some kind of leather fanny pack.

- Midwest Farmers' Daughters: This one is my favorite! I don't care about the girl... I could watch David Lee Roth peel that ear of corn and make sexy faces all. day. LONG. I should make an animated gif of just that and put it on every part of the web ever. Mmm, when Diamond Dave has got it, he's got it. Also this is a great montage. Dave is wearing overalls and a bandanna, and standing in front of a woman with pigtails in a brown, fringed bikini who's sitting on top of some bales of hay. There's a wagon wheel, some milk jugs, and maybe a picnic table in front of her. And behind her, a fence, and a cow! They went to all that extra trouble with the Humane Society and whatnot just to put a cow in the video for two seconds. Awesome. Oh and the girl is chewing on a piece of straw. Point, Midwestern Girls.

- Northern Girls: For this one, Dave gets two girls, dressed identically in pale blue furry bikinis and earmuffs, with white bobbed wigs. Dave's added a winter hat to his wardrobe arsenal, and in addition to the backdrop of pine trees, it's fake snowing on them. At the beach.

For the chorus, Dave's tour guide suit has suddenly become bright orange, as he leads the tourists down the abandoned boardwalk (which also looks very windy). We then see Dave making more sexy faces over the shoulder of a brunette in sunglasses who looks like she's not feeling it at all. Don't hate lady, 1985 if a great vintage of David Lee Roth. The chest hair is thick and the head hair is hangin' on.

We then see two more obliging brunettes in bikinis posing for the sweaty Arab guy and the sailor guy before going to more illustrative vignettes. We see Dave in another all-orange outfit and zinc oxide next to a busty woman enthusiastically applying sunscreen to her friend. Next Dave is wearing stirrup pants (remember those?) and a big straw hat while drinking out of a pineapple. He's in a hammock outside a palapa-roof shack, with a female bodybuilder striking poses right next to him.



Then we see Dave dancing around on the boardwalk while the tourists try to make do. Most of them are wandering around aimlessly, but some seem to have built a fire on the boardwalk. Also, how have I forgotten to mention the sunset shots of DLR? We keep also seeing shots of Dave singing and performing in his white outfit next to a palm tree, with a purple-y sunset behind him. Those I also love.

More Diamond Dave antics: In his orange tour guide outfit, Dave slides (as if on a conveyor belt, but probably just being pulled on some kind of cart) past all the women from the video, who are sitting on boxes and doing synchronized hand motions and kicks. He splashes around by a pier with two girls in sunglasses and one-piece bathing suits, while wearing a Body Glove wetsuit (dang, remember Body Glove? I mean, they're still around, but remember when Body Glove was really cool?). Then Dave lies on the sand, with women's legs doing synchronized kicks beside him. I wonder how much of this video he choreographed. Or how much of it was his idea, anyway.

We then get a genuinely bizarre meta-segment. Dave in his white tour outfit leads the tourists past an abandoned-looking gas station. Then the camera pulls back slightly, and we see it's a set -- there are lights, and a boom mic, etc. But then the camera pulls back further and we see DLR is filming this all himself, even though we can still see tour guide Dave dancing away in the distance. I'm going to guess that Dave did come up with this part himself.

Next comes the sort of breakdown part of the song, which is what most people remember from this video. Dave has shed the jacket and hat from his white suit, and is dancing down the boardwalk while the tourists watch. All of the women from the video are arrayed on either side, pretending to be mannequins, more or less, while Dave leaps and roundhouse kicks and "Ow!"s his way down the boardwalk. Personally I would find it hard to hold still while 1985 David Lee Roth was singing right next to my crotch, but that lady pulls it off. Unlike the lady he grabs sunglasses from, who at minimum moves her hand but who it kind of looks like gives him the finger!

Dave finally makes it all the way to the end, and jumps around looking ridiculous. It's finally really sunny now, so like I said either it was really cold because it was really overcast, or it was really early in the morning and the sun is just coming up. The camera pulls back away from him and down the boardwalk, past all the women posing. The tourists walk around amid all the women, and, oh great, the voiceover is back, as the camera continues to pull away.

"For you, the viewer, this is the end of the video. But for them, this is only the beginning." Of what? A bunch of them are hugging. A couple have fallen over. But wait, maybe they mean the beginning of getting to play ridiculous and often offensive characters in David Lee Roth videos. It may well be the beginning of that.

Cinderella, "Somebody Save Me"

An Almost Fairytale Ending

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Somebody Save Me," Night Songs, 1986, Mercury

Click here to watch this video NOW!

SAMPLE LYRICS "Somebody saaaaaay-aaaaaaaay-aaaaave me / I lost my job they kicked me out of my tree / Somebody saaaaaay-aaaaaaaay-aaaaave me / Saaaaaaay-aaaaaaaay-aaaaave ME!"

THE VERDICT This song is just pure, vintage, classic Cinderella. Just a good ol'-fashioned guitar assault from Jeff LaBar, and a deliciously growly vocal from Tom Keifer. And the video, which is mostly performance footage, is pretty good too. But that's just my opinion. And in this case, my opinion pales next to that of those two pinnacles of pontification, Beavis and Butt-head. I can not watch this video without thinking of all of the things they say about it, and so as I go through it, I can't help but interject their take.

You know I love when plot elements continue between videos, and this is no exception. As with all of the other videos from Night Songs, we get to see the two wicked stepsisters. After being informed that the video is taking place "Somewhere in Philadelphia" in 1985, they run down a hall toward a studio where Cinderella are recording this song. Let me also mention that in this clip, the gals are wearing completely, utterly ridiculous 80s outfits. I love polka dots, but these ensembles push it a little too far.

Everyone in Cinderella however deserves a special mention for wearing the coolest outfits ever. In particular, Eric Brittingham -- who is looking ridiculously young and hot -- has layered an unstructured, leopard-print blazer over a Batman t-shirt, and Jeff LaBar has accessorized a Look What the Cat Dragged In Poison tee with a silky, sparkly, purple scarf. These are both outfits I would totally wear um, now.



On a semi-related note, Tom Keifer's lips are looking more gigantic and trout-like than ever, but whatever, we all know I love a man with great lips. Seriously, Tom's lips are what Bret Michaels wishes he had. Luscious, pillowy... okay, but enough about me, back to the video.

This is the only video where we get to see their keyboard player Jeff Paris, even if only for a few seconds. I remember reading a thing in I think Circus being like "why can't Cinderella just acknowledge him as a member of the band, he plays on all their songs?" We also get to see the album's producer, Andy Johns (who has a passing resemblance to Joe Elliott), as himself.

But what do the boys have to say about the studio footage? Though they are excited to see the wicked stepsisters (chanting "butt! butt! butt!" each time their skirts flip up), Beavis and Butt-head are less interested in the rest of this video (as Butt-head says "Uhhh... I think this is gonna be stupid"). Once they've spotted Andy Johns, Beavis says, "Yeah. Who the hell is this buttmunch?" which makes them both crack up. Butt-head then repeats, "Why is this dork here?" beginning a pattern throughout this video that supports my theory that Beavis is actually the much smarter of the two, and Butt-head knows this -- this is why he so thoroughly and consistently represses Beavis, whose fatal flaw is believing Butt-head that he (Butt-head) is smarter.

This dynamic gets played out more in their comments on the footage of the band playing in the studio, which are hilarious and worth excerpting here:

Beavis: "This is like 'behind the scenes at a crappy band recording session.'"
Butt-head: "Yeah" (laughter).
Beavis (spotting Tom): "Look at that guy's poodle hair!"
Butt-head: "These guys probably went to SuperCuts and said, 'Could you just like, make it more poufy?'"
Beavis: "'Yeah yeah, but keep the length. I want it like, poufy on top, and then long and straight on the sides, yeah. Yeah that would look really cool.'" (laughter)

Butt-head then accuses Beavis of asking the barber for this himself. After asserting his style comes naturally and that "chicks like it," Beavis distracts Butt-head by pointing out that Eric Brittingham "looks like a cheerleader."



Anyway, as we move from the verse to the chorus, the video switches from the studio to performance footage which -- based on Tom's extreme level of sweatiness and the fact that the venue isn't that big but also doesn't appear to be only two rows deep -- I'm going to assume is real. Also there are little things like the fact that there are a bunch of bored-looking boyfriend-types and security guards in the crowd, Eric bothering to adjust his mic (which he wouldn't need to do for lip-synching), the fact that they probably didn't have a realistically-recreate-a-concert budget, all point to it being live. There's also a shot of a girl waving what appears to be a newly purchased Bon Jovi shirt, which implies they're opening for JBJ here.

There are also a bunch of random moments in the live stuff that I really enjoy, and make it seem like Cinderella are both a fun band and that they're having fun. Fred Coury does a sort of Paul Stanley face at one point, and Tom blows a kiss to a girl in the crowd. I also particularly like when Tom and Jeff briefly play each other's guitars and then look super-happy that they pulled it off successfully. All but Fred have switched into long, skinny, sparkly, Steven Tyler-slash-Stevie Nicks jackets, which is another sartorial choice I can really get behind.

And of course, Beavis and Butt-head have way more to say about the performance footage (which admittedly, with all the David Lee Roth jumps and Steve Vai-esque guitar twirling, Cinderella is asking for a little bit). You know I love that stuff, but the boys don't really care for it. It's actually one of their more lucid commentaries. Continuing the "behind the scenes" theme Beavis picked up on earlier, the boys improvise dialogue from Cinderella:

Beavis: "Yeah yeah. 'All those years of hard work and practice in the garage finally pay off when you see the looks on those people's faces out there in the audience.'"
Butt-head: "These dudes are like, 'Look at me, I'm kicking!'"
Beavis: "'Yeah look at me! I'm twirling my guitar around and wiggling my butt! See? Just like we practiced!'"
Butt-head: "'Yeah, look at me, I'm shaking my hips and kicking, just like we did at practice!'"

See, I'm telling you! Beavis is the innovator. Butt-head just picks up on his ideas.



As the song winds down, we transition back into the studio, where the producer comes over the intercom and tells the lads that it's great and they're done. Cinderella leave the studio, where the wicked stepsisters spot them and get really excited -- or at least so it seems, as they actually run past Cinderella to embrace Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora.

I love cameos, and think it's a cute nod to Bon Jovi having discovered the band, but you know Beavis and Butt-head beg to differ. They make fun of Tom's line of dialogue ("so you think we got it?"), and then mock-pity the band for losing out to Bon Jovi. My favorite bit is a little before this though, when Beavis says he's "glad that's over" but then Butt-head goes "check it out though, they're not stopping" as the band leaves the studio. I love whenever the boys get tricked by a transition in a video (the best example of this is when they watch "Stars" by Hum).

Overall, one of the reasons I particularly love B & B-H's commentary on this video is because they really hit the nail on the head. What they describe is exactly what this video's meant to be -- here we are in 1985, recording this song and losing chicks to Bon Jovi, and then here we are now a year later, rocking the house and getting the bone-eye from chicks in the audience. I mean sure, it's the Slippery When Wet tour so we're not exactly headlining, but hey, we've pretty much made it.

P.S.: If you're looking for the episode that includes this video, it's "Patsies" from season five. Unfortunately, Beavis and Butt-head's commentary on "Somebody Save Me" isn't available online. You can however watch the full episode minus the videos here.