THE VIDEO Fiona featuring Kip Winger, "Everything You Do (You're Sexing Me)", Heart Like a Gun, 1988, Atlantic
SAMPLE LYRIC "Oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeee / everything you do just turns me on / oooooooooh you're sexin' me-eeeeeeeeeeee / bay-bay-bay-bay-bay-bay come onnnnnnnn"
THE VERDICT Anyone else remember this amazing trainwreck of a video? Seriously people, it's the holidays, and this power ballad-ish duet is the gift that keeps on giving. You think it can't get more ridiculous, and it does. Oh, it does.
Now if you aren't familiar with this one, you might be asking yourself, "Who the (bleep) is Fiona?" Excellent question. Fiona is sort of like the Tiffany of heavy metal. If we're going to be generous, we might even call her the Debbie Gibson of metal, since if I'm remembering right she had some kind of classical background and wrote a surprising amount of her own songs.
Young, hyped, likely to be found signing autographs in malls. A big difference though is that though Fiona looks pretty underage in this video, she's actually almost 30. Well, what do you know? She's just kind of a tiny lady.
Anyway, if you were to know Fiona from anything non-musical it would likely be her star-turn opposite Bob Dylan (!?!) in 1987's Hearts of Fire. But if you're like me (and since you're reading this we will assume you are), that pales enormously in comparison to her star-turn as a murderous teen prostitute on Miami Vice.
Now I could go into a lengthy rant about how much Miami Vice rules, but instead I will limit myself to just discussing the episode featuring Fiona: Season 2's "Little Miss Dangerous". Though I am generally a fan of the episodes about prostitution — not because I endorse sex work, but because it's the 80s so these have particularly awesome costumes — this is actually one of my least favorite episodes because it is freakin' terrifying.
To her credit, Fiona is creepy as hell as a young hooker who murders her johns as retribution for a lifetime of abuse. I made it just partway into this episode before it became a turn-on-all-the-lights-in-the-house type of affair.
It wasn't much longer before I was screaming at the TV trying to save Tubbs. Fiona, if you must kill again, take Crockett! And omg, stop making those freaky-ass crayon drawings. Dang those things gave me nightmares.
Anyway, one of the many reasons Miami Vice is amazing is the endless onslaught of cameos (just season two also features Gene Simmons and Ted Nugent — the Nuge also performs Fiona's episode's eponymous song). It's not entirely unsurprising that Fiona turned up, since they appear to have a minimum of one ingenue per episode.
But okay, what of her performance in this video? Spoiler alert: Nothing really happens in this video. It's pretty much just Fiona and Winger in an empty warehouse/loft-type space, singing straight into each other's faces.
This is often amusing, as they look ridiculously alike — even without the lighting washing them out, it's usually like okay, well she's shorter and has longer hair.
But for reals, I think they share not just the same hairstylist, but also the same clothing stylist.
Here are the outfits featured in this video: 1) Blousy colorful shirt with ruffled collar, paired with leather pants that lace up the sides. 2) Low-cut graphic shirt, black leather jacket, and leather pants that lace up the crotch. 3) Sheer black halter dress. 4) Cropped leather vest, black shirt, and leather pants. Okay, class — three of these outfits are worn by Fiona. Which of these does Kip Winger wear?
All Kip and Fiona have in there to entertain themselves with is a modern-looking white couch and each other. While Fiona spends some time posing on the couch, she spends most of her time posing on Kip Winger. Kip flashes his astonishingly white teeth while Fiona tilts her neck back for some vampire-style action. (I like that when you Google "Kip Winger", one of the related searches it suggests is "Kip Winger teeth".) Kip tosses his hair around while Fiona crouches down in front of him. Fiona tosses her hair around while Kip crouches down in front of her.
Somehow, we are meant to believe that by screaming the lyrics to this sludge-fest into each other's faces, sexual tension is being built up between Fiona and Kip. Ummm, no. There are a few near misses, and at one point he appears to have fully stuck his face into her chest, but don't get excited — there's no sexing here. Unless you're into the David Coverdale/Tawny Kitaen-type stuff where he looks like he's choking her. In that case, ew, you pervert.
Possibly it's that, but more likely it's the choice of words that make this for me one of the un-sexiest songs in the history of metal. "You're sexing me"? Seriously? Hearing "sex" as a verb just makes me think of biology. And not like, reproductive type stuff.
More just like how usually when you hear "sex" as a verb, they are talking about the practice of determining whether an animal is male or female. E.g., "birds are difficult to sex." "It takes a practiced eye to accurately sex the crawfish." Next thing you know, it's "oooh, you're dissectin' mee-eeee"!
Seriously though, even my sometime-nemeses over at allmusic kind of have my back on this one: "Like anything with intensity, it's tempting to laugh; when Fiona and Kip Winger moan, 'you're sexing me,' at each other, someone with farm experience could imagine them sedately side by side, determining the maleness or femaleness of newly hatched chicks." For real! I could imagine an alternate version of this video with just pictures of like, crabs and lizards and turkeys and stuff.
I think the most amazing part of this video is at the end, when there's just a smidgen of plot. A blonde woman comes up to Kip and Fiona's empty warehouse in an industrial elevator, and sort of signals to them. Then Winger and Fiona ride down in the elevator, and go outside where a long-haired man greets them. We're meant to understand that this is Fiona's real man, just as the blonde is Winger's actual girlfriend. As the two couples split apart, Fiona (now wearing a goofy hat) looks back at Kip all wistfully. Ew.
Also uhh, okay. This still doesn't explain WTF Fiona and Winger were doing up in that warehouse. What, they just get together to like arrange themselves against columns in dramatic lighting, and yell in each other's faces, and almost kiss, like, on the regular?
There's no implication in this video that a video is being filmed — we're meant to believe Kip's girlfriend is just like, "Oh, hey honey, did you have a nice time telling Fiona she was sexing you and having her rub her hands all over your stubble again today?" So bizarre.
Kip has claimed no sexing ever actually occurred, and based on the astonishing lack of sexual tension I'm going to believe him. I know, I know — both Winger and Fiona are making furious porno faces through this entire video.
But come on, watch any Winger video. Kip makes those faces at the camera. He makes those faces at all the women who are meant to be his love interest. Hell, he makes those faces at Reb Beach. Quite frankly, I think this is just sort of the natural range of Kip's facial expressions.
Long story short, if you're looking for sexy, this video is more like a cold shower than a hot bubble bath. And if you want a great metal duet, just listen to "Close My Eyes Forever."
But if you want to revel in awkward sexuality, Kip Winger's whiter-than-white smile, and Fiona's amorousness toward a whiter-than-white couch, by all means, watch this video!
I may have called Fiona the Robin Sparkles of metal, but this song is really the "I Wanna Sex You Up" of metal. I know, I know, this predates Color Me Badd by a couple of years. But seriously, couldn't we have just left this kind of drecch for groups like, well, Color Me Badd?