THE VIDEO Danger Danger, "Naughty Naughty," Danger Danger, 1989, Epic
SAMPLE LYRIC "Let's get naughty naughty! / Dirrrty, dirrrrrtayyy / Naughty naughty! / I like it that way-ay"
THE VERDICT It is always a stretch for me to find metal songs that are in any way related to Christmas but are not terrible '00s metal covers of Christmas carols (yes, Dee Snider, I'm looking at you). By next year I'll probably be doing "Hall of the Mountain King" just because the video features a dude with a big white beard.
This year though, with my December theme of forgotten metal, with many forays into the extremes of both sleaze and cheese, it made sense to skip Santa's nice list and go straight to naughty. Or in this case, to "Naughty Naughty."
Danger Danger are one of those bands that I perennially make fun of on this blog, and blame for the demise of metal — that old chestnut of "everything was working out just fine, but then too many people piled on at the last minute, and everyone got sick of it." Danger Danger are like the last ones into the party that was really cool and exclusive at first but now is minutes away from getting a visit from the fire marshal (in this case, Kurt Cobain) that means the party's over for everybody.
Do Danger Danger deserve it? I mean they aren't unbelievably horrible, as are, say, other bands I malign a lot like Babylon A.D. and Pretty Boy Floyd. "Naughty Naughty" isn't that bad of a song. That said, I think there are some mistakes here, for the band and for the video. Let's review and discuss.
Mistake #1a: Overly elaborate logo and album art Remember back in the early 80s, when metal bands had really basic, like one-color logos? I'm thinking like Poison even back before they brought in all the acid green, and they had that little doodle of Felix the Cat with a bomb. (I can't find any images of this for some reason but I swear I am not making it up!) Album art was simpler back then too. You pretty much just put on all your best makeup and glittery scarves and had Neil Zlozower take some photos of you. Simple.
As the 90s near though, album art and band logos get way more complicated. Instead of a simple symbol you could easily carve into a desk in a matter of minutes, we get these elaborate full-color logos.
Similarly, instead of simple band mascots we get these weird paintings. Now I know, this is something that for example, Iron Maiden had been doing for years with Eddie. But the thing with Eddie is, you can draw him a zillion different ways and put him into whatever situation you need, whether it's being a WWII fighter pilot or a sphinx or some kind of futuristic cyborg/warrior-type thing. Not so with, for example, Warrant's ultra-creepy Cashly Guido Bucksley, seen in the "flesh" in "Big Talk".
Danger Danger take both of these trends to the extreme with their logo — each "Danger" given its own full-color graphic text treatment — and with their cover art, featuring a cityscape, a pervy Dick Tracy sort of guy, and a woman who bears a distinct resemblance to Jessica Rabbit. They have a giant-ass mural of this behind them in the video, which would be okay if it weren't for...
Mistake #1b: Album art concept taken way too far in video Yes, we get to see the album cover come to life in this incredibly weird addition to what is otherwise more or less a staged performance video.
The video kicks off with a woman talking on the phone silhouetted in a window. Off to the side, in an alley, we see the silhouette of pervy Dick Tracy. Despite the fact that she is clearly already on the phone (at minimum, her phone is off the hook), he calls her using a digital voice disguiser and suggests they get "naughty naughty."
Per the way things work in metal videos — do not, I repeat, do not try this at home, no matter what "Bathroom Wall" leads you to believe — she of course finds this a delightful suggestion. The rest of the video, we see sequences of their two silhouettes dancing, and of the woman at various times putting on or removing articles of clothing.
This is okay I guess, except for one big misstep: The minute pervy Dick Tracy guy takes off his trench coat, in silhouette he looks just like Freddy Krueger. I mean hat, pointy nose, sweater — all he's missing is the claw hand. It's creepy and distracting.
And why does he keep the hat on? The whole thing is weird. Especially because it reminds me of Madonna's "Justify My Love" video, or at least the Wayne's World parody of it. ("Wow, look at the unit on that guy!")
Mistake #2: Too much keyboard Now admittedly, I do like when a band is honest with themselves about the fact that they have a lot of keyboard in their songs, and allow their keyboard player to appear with them as a legit member of the band (yes, Cinderella, I'm looking at you). That said, this song has way too much keyboard. When it was recorded, was there some version of the SNL "More Cowbell" sketch happening involving putting in more keyboard?
Like I said before, I actually think this is a pretty competent song, but the pre-chorus ("but I know what I want / and I know how to get it") where it sounds like Kasey Smith is just jabbing the keys mercilessly is genuinely unpleasant. The keyboard starts to sound like the shower scene music from Psycho.
Mistake #3: Ted Poley is no Bret Michaels To me, Danger Danger's lead singer looks like a poor man's Jaime St. James. But I think what they were hoping for was a poor man's Bret Michaels. I mean let's do an inventory.
Alternating facial expressions smiley and slutty? Check. Goofy custom-painted jacket? Check. Wiggly hip movements? Check. Leers at camera while delivering most reprehensible lines in song? Check.
Yes, Ted's got a lot of the necessary Bret Michaels ingredients.
That said, it's just not happening. This man is at the Jaime St. James level of hotness. Possibly, if we could see some abs, he might be approaching Jani Lane. (And remember, we are discussing hotness levels at the time here, people! Gawd, airbrushed abs or no, Jani and Bret today look like the frog people in Hell Comes to Frogtown.)
Mistake #4: Steve West is no Blas Elias Now I know this sounds crazy, since basically everyone except for Dana Strum hates Blas Elias. But whatever. Blas is basically my stand-in for the type of drummer that suddenly every metal band had in the late 80s.
I think this type is technically based on Tommy Lee, with a dash of Rikki Rockett thrown in. The sort of poutiness mixed with goofiness is all Tommy, but the skate or surf-related tees are more Rikki. In any event, I feel like in this video, the second you see the drummer at the beginning (and he's pretty much the first member of Danger Danger you see clearly) you know what's up.
As Beavis might say, ohhh no, not this again. Or as Butt-head actually does say (after initially mistaking Danger Danger for Bon Jovi), "Hey Beavis, I thought you called the cable company and told them to quit playing this crap."
Mistake #5: The video makes the band look uncool I know this might be obvious from everything I've already said, but this video's concept works overtime to make the band seem lame to pretty much every viewing demographic.
In addition to all the weird stuff with the dancing silhouettes, Danger Danger also have a telescope on stage with them via which it is implied they are viewing all this silhouetted window-dancing action.
This makes them two steps removed from the action.
I mean, pervy Dick Tracy managed to, a la Faster Pussycat, actually call the woman and get a response. Danger Danger are just watching that through a freakin' telescope. Now there are other metal bands who are frequently visually and/or spatially separated from women in their videos (Ratt is a really good example of this), and I could make a longer argument about including women in metal videos only to stop homosociality from appearing as potential homosexuality, but I won't.
Suffice it to say though that this video concept makes Danger Danger unpalatable to heterosexual men. If all the keyboard wasn't emasculating enough, these guys are in a band and the closest they can get to a woman involves a telescope.
That same telescope makes them totally unappealing to heterosexual women — between that and the phone call, Danger Danger seem like total pervs. And not in a Kip Winger, I actually get with women, albeit underage ones, way. No, these guys are just your run-of-the-mill grope-in-a-crowd or let-me-pretend-I've-dropped-something perverts according to this video. Ew.
Danger Danger have basically eliminated their entire audience except for one group: Pervy guys who can relate to it. Yup, you guessed it — Beavis and Butt-head. They may not like the band or the song, but it seems they can appreciate some aspects of this video:
Butt-head: [spotting woman's dancing silhouette] "Whoa!"Beavis: "Yeah! Her back's all bent out of shape! What's wrong?"Butt-head: "Beavis, you butthole. When you see a chick in a window like that, and she's got her back all bent out of shape, that means she's hot."Beavis: "I don't know, Butt-head. I think she was like, injured."Butt-head: "Well, whatever it was, it gave me a stiffy."
Long story short, Danger Danger are definitely on the naughty naughty list. It's too bad in a way, as this song is really almost good. That said, being in their position — the whole late to the party thing — there was almost no way for them to succeed.
I mean from Slaughter to Tesla, any metal band that didn't get their start until the late 80s kind of never had a chance at getting an honest shot at the kind of fame had by bands like Poison or Mötley Crüe, or by bands whose roots went back to the 70s like the Scorpions or Whitesnake.
But you know what? That's why we're here. I'll give them that chance, now, on this blog. I know it's not the same kind of recognition as like gold records, or cases of Jack Daniels, or arenas full of fans, or getting mobbed by groupies at Gazzarri's or the Rainbow, but it's all I've got. My year-round gift to them, and to you, if you're reading this!
P.S.: After writing this, I found out that Danger Danger themselves have a Christmas song — "Naughty Naughty Christmas." It was featured in — wait for it — The Santa Clause 2. I don't even know what to do with this information.