THE VIDEO Danzig, "She Rides," Danzig, 1988, Def American
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SAMPLE LYRIC "She-eeee-ulll take you down / she'll take you / she-eeeeeeee-eeel take you ar-ooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-ouund"
THE VERDICT Oh man, this video cracks me up every time. Seriously y'all, it's the "Simply Irresistible" of heavy metal videos. I know, since they're both from albums from 1988, it's hard to say which came first. But since with "Simply Irresistible" Robert Palmer is really just ripping off his own video ("Addicted to Love"), we're going to go with "She Rides" being the "Simply Irresistible" of metal, as opposed to "Simply Irresistible" being the "She Rides" of um... uh... whatever you'd describe Robert Palmer as. If I had to guess, I'd say "Simply Irresistible" had about at least a dozen times the budget of "She Rides," but it's good to know that no matter how much money you have, you still can't find models with rhythm.
Let us count the reasons this video is amazing. We will start with the dancing chick whose ass dominates the screen for a fair chunk of the video. One of the many, many things that makes watching old videos (well, old anything really) amazing is how much they let you see how beauty standards have changed. For one, it looks like she did her own makeup. But crazy hair color aside, what's amazing about this main woman (there are other gals in the video but we see her the best) is how natural she is. She doesn't look especially young, she's rocking an A-cup, and she's trim but not toned. Nor have they oiled her up or anything like that (possibly they didn't have an oil budget for this video).
Also interesting are her assortment of tattoos. I feel like in 1988 this video probably was like "OMG it's the painted lady." Now? At least in some parts of San Diego, it's hard to find women who don't have sleeves. Or think of that racist weirdo (from San Diego, natch) that Jesse James got himself involved with. This lady's tattoos are downright tasteful -- I mean, she could put on clothes and have them all covered. Times have changed.
Speaking of clothes and times changing, let's also mention what she is wearing, and how it is the skimpiest and most intensely high-waisted thong ever. Though they had not yet penetrated the mainstream, Brazilian waxes appear to have been alive and well in 1988. Based on the way this woman dances like this is the most boring thing she's ever done (if you look closely, you can see her calculating like how much she'll have to pay the babysitter if the video shoot runs long) and is able to keep the rhythm (unlike the gal by the drums), we're going to conjecture she's had some professional experience.
Reason #2 this video is amazing: Danzig himself, of course. We mostly see him in extreme close-ups that don't even show his whole face, and the whole time he is bobbing up and down in time with the music. I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm thinking it's meant to imply that Danzig is actually getting it on the whole time. If this is true, we have learned that Danzig is at once industrious and indifferent. I mean, he's plugging away there, but his attempts at acting smoldering come off as boredom.
Even more amazing are Danzig's interactions with the women in this video, because try as they might to make him seem man-size, he is a tiny little dude. The main woman in the video looks to be on the tall side -- admittedly, it could be that she's skinny, but to me she looks more like she's 5'8" and 120 pounds than 5'2" and like, 80 pounds. Put her in the same shot as Danzig -- either he's standing on a box or she's kneeling. I'm not sure which it is, but since he's about 5'2", if she were actually as short as they're making her look here, she'd have to be about 4'10", which is the cut-off for being considered a dwarf (look out, Snooki).
The other two women in the video who interact with Danzig we mostly see as pairs of hands, and oh, what hands. The curly-haired gal has on terrifying fake nails, and when she's stroking Danzig's back (apparently being as shocked by his tramp stamp as I was the first time I saw this video) we can reach one of two conclusions. Either she is in possession of gigantic Abraham Lincoln hands, or Danzig is tiny. Similarly, when the other woman strokes first his face, then his bicep, to put it in size terms wrestling fans will understand, it looks like the Great Khali mixing it up with Rey Mysterio. Danzig is itty-bitty!
What else is amazing? Um, the rest of Danzig, and how they completely ignore these women, no matter how close they get to them. John Christ mostly has legs superimposed next to him, so I guess it's okay that he doesn't even bother flipping his hair out of his eyes to look over there. But Chuck Biscuits appears to have a real live lady dancing right next to him for basically the entire video, and he doesn't look even a little bit. Only Danzig seems to want to get his chest hair stroked by them.
Which brings us to the fourth amazing aspect of this video, which we can consider #4, or we can call 2B -- the sensuous Danzig. Seriously, when he has the long creepy nails stroking his chained hands, make sure you don't have any liquids in your mouth, because you will spit them at whatever screen you're watching it on. And oh goodness, the Spiderman kiss at the end is unbearable. I feel like Danzig is in on the joke, but still. It's just. Too. Much.
Because really, this is the weird thing about Danzig. He is kind of hot. I mean, not the chest hair. But oftentimes I've looked at the unquestionably hot John Morrison (I know, I can't seem to stop talking about wrestling) and thought "Dang, he looks like Glenn Danzig." The whole point of John Morrison is that he's supposed to look like Jim Morrison, but I'll be damned if Glenn Danzig doesn't look a little bit like a short, ripped Jim Morrison with a weird haircut. Maybe the rest of the Doors should call him next.
I submit, for your edification, a side by side comparison: (L-R) John Morrison, Glenn Danzig, Jim Morrison
