THE VIDEO Guns N Roses, "Estranged," Use Your Illusion II, 1991, Geffen
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SAMPLE LYRIC "When you're talking to yourself / and nobody's home / you can't fool yourself / you came in this world aloh-one / alone" (Note this is nearly whispered over some tinkly piano. This song has no chorus, so if you don't recognize the intro, I probably can't help you.)
THE VERDICT If you thought the "Is Axl dead no wait is Stephanie Seymour dead" shenanigans of "Don't Cry" and "November Rain" were as over the top as Guns N Roses got, clearly you forgot the final video in that trilogy, the often-overlooked "Estranged." By way of comparison, those two video epics look downright understated next to this monstrosity.
Don't believe me? Okay then, ponder for just a moment what the budget for this video must have been like. I mean, look at what it includes, and tell me this doesn't read like a completely insane person's list of demands:
- Research expenses (looking up words in the dictionary)
- A giant mansion
- A SWAT team
- A rocking Tyrannosaurus Rex. This is like a rocking horse, only it's a dinosaur with handles and a saddle on it.
- Charles Manson tee
- A dozen or so all-white LAPD uniforms (for fantasy sequence; this is in addition to regular uniforms for reality sequence)
- A dozen or so racially diverse child actors to play around your mansion and look befuddled when they drag you off to the loony bin
- A white limo (fantasy sequence) and a black limo (to take you and your fake son to your concert)
- Custom dolphin hood ornament thing-y for the white limo
- Police and permits to facilitate stopping vehicle and pedestrian traffic for several blocks on the Sunset Strip
- Various equipment for Slash to stand on while he plays the guitar solos
- Oil tanker rental
- Helicopter plus Axl stunt double for shots with oil tanker
- Coast Guard helicopter and diver
- CGI dolphins
- Real dolphins
- Not 100% sure, but that one at the end looks like an animatronic dolphin
(Note that if you're really curious about this, and have at least $1.72 plus shipping and handling to burn and a VCR, you can actually purchase the "Making of 'Estranged'" which is apparently "Part 4 of the Trilogy" [shouldn't this tell you something?]. Amazon reviewers tell us parts of the video were filmed in a wave pool, as if this weren't abundantly clear already! To be honest, I'm very tempted, but I don't have anything that'll play VHS.)
It sort of reminds me of when I was in first or second grade, and every time it was someone's birthday, the teacher would have everyone draw pictures for that person of what they wished they could give them for their birthday. Being relatively young kids, and this being the 80s and thus six and seven-year-olds not being considered tweens, we were pretty nice about it -- everyone gave everyone more or less the same gifts, so it wasn't a popularity contest.
Anyway, the most popular gifts included rainbows, a money tree (this was not a check-cashing place but a tree that grew money), and exotic pets. Obviously, "Estranged" has got the last item checked off on the list, but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they had had to tell Axl the rainbows and money tree were going to put them too far over budget.
I mean I remember around this same time I had a special issue of Life magazine that someone had given me because it was their music issue (I still have it, in horrible, tattered condition). It had an article about Guns N Roses in it -- the text is here, but what really made this article were the pictures, most of which showed GNR having one of their after-show parties at some arena catered as if it were a Roman feast, complete with togas and laurel wreaths, a roast pig carried on a tray, and some really ugly strippers. Compared to this video, that pictorial is downright quaint. (Though let me also mention, you know who else liked ridiculously lavish Roman-theme parties? Executives from Tyco. Though in GNR's case, they were one of the reasons Izzy left the band.)
Or let us remember back to their first video for "Sweet Child O' Mine." All that is is GNR playing the song on a set, with some b-roll of them with their actual girlfriends and a Rottweiler. They didn't need a Coast Guard helicopter or CGI dolphins to know how to rock!
Seriously, it took Guns N Roses barely four years to live out the entire life cycle of the major label rock band, a cycle that used to take bands nearly twenty years to complete! From the underbelly of the Sunset Strip to double albums and eight-minutes-plus songs, beating up supermodels, blowing off shows, and this song, which combined with "Don't Cry" and "November Rain" more or less constitutes a rock opera in my book. The second half (movement?) of this song (beginning with "when I find out all the reasons") is actually pretty good, but it's easy to forget what with how absurd this video is.
In case you've already forgotten (even with our handy list of expenses above), let me remind you of some of the things that happen in this nine minute, forty-one second opus:
- Axl evades an enormous SWAT team by sleeping on top of some kind of shelf above his closet.
- Guns N Roses fans storm an arena for a general admission seating concert. No one gets trampled and Axel doesn't cancel the show.
- During this concert, while the band is ostensibly playing "Estranged," a shot captures Axl's teleprompter displaying the lyrics to "Welcome to the Jungle."
- Taking a nap after the concert, Axl has an out-of-body experience in which he uhh... well, he curls up in the shower in a fetal position while fully clothed.
- Looong fantasy sequence with everyone wearing white, as per above. Between the erratic behavior, crazy mansion, and army of little kids who aren't his, Axl here is a bit reminiscent of Mr. Jefferson.
- Oh did I mention that last section is all shot with some kind of wiggly gel on the camera, while (present-tense) definitions of the (past-tense) word "estranged" show at the bottom of the screen?
And really, at this point, things are only getting started. We aren't even quite halfway through the song! It hits maximum ridiculousness -- well, for the first time anyway -- at five minutes, twenty-three seconds in, when the members of GNR walk up to a large cargo plane... and a humongous CGI dolphin swims out of it. Didn't anyone think to say to him, "Axl, this is kind of ... uh ... maybe not the best direction for the band?"
A bunch of hot women (and their kids) who had earlier been watching live footage of GNR now start watching dolphins on TV, and in an homage to the opening scenes of "Welcome to the Jungle," we see Axl leaning against a store's grate, with TV screens showing dolphins behind him. Yep, it's dolphins from here on out folks.
Axl walks along the sidewalk from the Roxy to the Rainbow Bar & Grill. Beside him, the street is full of water, which is full of giant dolphins swimming alongside him. Still more gigantic dolphins emerge from a billboard above the Rainbow, and then Slash emerges from its door. He appears to be riding on a people mover as he plays the first solo, since he sort of floats past everyone else on the sidewalk without having to walk himself.
Next thing we know, we're on a giant oil tanker (I know, this video just keeps going and going) that must be empty because it's riding really high in the water. We see Axl walking around on deck, and next thing we know, he's jumped off the dang ship. Not sure on this ID, but I think it's Gilby Clarke who inexplicably next appears and throws him a life preserver. Luckily by this time, Axl is thrashing around in what is obviously a tank of water on a set, so don't worry, he's safe. Still, that doesn't stop what appears to be a roadie in a rowboat from coming out to try to rescue him.
Throwing away the life preserver and ignoring his other potential saviors, Axl's drowning until suddenly he finds himself surrounded with what appear to be real dolphins. He grabs the fin on one of them and rides away. For some reason, this causes the water to turn red and the sky orange, and next thing you know a fully-clothed Slash has risen out of the ocean to play the second solo.
Keeping this video's ever-so-tenuous grip on reality vs. fantasy intact, we then see Axl again thrashing around in the ocean, but fear not -- here comes Matt Sorum in a Coast Guard helicopter. Okay really -- how did anyone come up for the ideas for what happens in this video?! Anyway, a diver jumps in and saves Axl, and pulls him up into the helicopter.
The video closes with one of Axl's customized kicks sinking beneath the surface of the water. It's no wonder that ship looked like it was riding high -- apparently the water Axl was just nearly drowning in was about six feet deep! It concludes with what we can only term a WTF moment: A wet Axl, bundled in a towel, sitting next to what we can only hope is an animatronic dolphin, wearing one of Axl's flannel shirts.
I mean really people -- where could GNR have gone from here? Practically every shot in this video involved a helicopter, a crane, underwater cameras, or CGI. I mean, I know metal is all about excess, but seriously, this is the video equivalent of that Enron guy's apartment that had the $6,000 shower curtain and the $15,000 umbrella stand. Sure, everyone needs a shower curtain -- just like any band needs a video -- but did it really have to be that shower curtain? Did it really need to be this video?