THE VIDEO Scorpions, "No One Like You," Blackout, 1982, Mercury
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SAMPLE LYRICS "There's no one like you-ouu / I can't wait for the nights with you / I imag-ine the things we'll doo-ooo / I just wanna be lafffffed by youuu-ouuuu / no on like you-ouuuuu!"
THE VERDICT Though the Scorpions often had really bizarre cover art (like this NSFW one, or this other one, which is more or less Spinal Tap's original idea for Smell the Glove), the Scorps generally had enough good taste not to recreate their album covers in their videos... at least until this one, which starts off weird and only gets weirder.
Before we get too far into the video, let me mention that "No One Like You" is a totally badass song. The guitar riff at the beginning sounds like the tryout version of "Rock You Like a Hurricane," and Klaus Meine's slightly weird were-they-translated-from-German lyrics are as compelling as ever, as is his delivery. I mean, "girl, there are really no vords strong eee-naah-aaff / to dee-scribe all my lahng-eengs for lafffff" rules, and Klaus honestly sounds straight-up sexy on "ooh babe, I just need you like nev-ar be-for-ore." As we shall see, this isn't the case, but it's a great vocal.
So what's going on here? Well, for one, we're talking about the original video, not the World Wide Live version where they're traveling around Asia. What we've got here is some kind of island prison -- possibly Alcatraz, probably somewhere in Europe -- where Klaus appears to be on death row. He's waiting around for a visit from his lady, who bears a strong resemblance to Beverly D'Angelo in National Lampoon's European Vacation (admittedly, the hat helps a lot).
He's got a pic of her hanging in his cell, along with an American flag -- uhh, what's up with that? Well, maybe it belongs to the guy he shares his cell with, who looks about 90. But whatever, there are a lot of things that are a bit off about this prison. I mean, one of the guards is a little person. Nothing against, but like, don't prison guards seem like the kind of job that would have a height requirement?
If you were hoping to see anyone else in the band, look fast -- as Klaus gets marched down the hall, that's all you'll see of Matthias, Herman, or Francis, they're the guys giving him the thumbs-up from behind bars. In the meantime, his lady friend is making her way out by boat. Whether it's San Francisco or Europe, I don't think that shark is really there, and heck, I'm no ichthyologist but that first fin looks like a dolphin to me.
Anyway, as soon as the lady gets into the prison, they let her loose on Klaus, making me want to scream "NO TOUCHING!" Klaus' especially long hair in this video distracts me, as does how tall this woman is compared to him. Watching this video you have to have the same suspension of belief you have during Krokus videos (especially this one), though a little less since Klaus is a great vocalist.
This lovely little moment gets broken up by the re-enactment of the album cover, wherein Rudolf Schenker shows up, clad in white and inexplicably with forks over his eyes, screaming and smashing a guitar. Why the heck are there forks over his eyes? How did he get out of his cell? And which came first, the bizarro cover art or the concept for this video?
And believe it or not, that is not the weirdest part of this video. No, that's still to come, when suddenly we cut from Klaus in bed to Klaus in the chair with the priest by his side -- and the woman, dressed in leather, throwing some kind of switch that causes a bunch of flames to shoot up. Wait, what?!
Just when you think things can't devolve any further, we get more shots of Klaus in bed. I never needed to see his chest hair. Is it shaved into that shape a la Nic Cage in Valley Girl? Or does it just grow that way? These are questions I never wanted to ask. Similarly, seeing his bikini briefs, not something I wanted.
But the real coda is that when he covers his face with his hands, we can see he's wearing a wedding band. Uhh, buddy, that is not a dream you want to be having about your spouse! Luckily, he looks out the window and verifies that he just has a lovely prison view, and so no, he's not himself imprisoned.
Still though... between this, all the afore-mentioned album covers, and well, all their other videos (blowing up the ladies' futuristic castle in "Rhythm of Love"?!), the Scorps' relationship to women is, let's just say, conflicted at best. Not that we can't say this for almost every other heavy metal group, of course.
Also, the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking this is Alcatraz. Not because of any actual ability of mine to verify this, but really because it reminds me a lot of the Testament video for "Over the Wall."
P.S.: Also obviously, since it's almost Valentine's Day, I had to do a love song, and so this post is for my partner, who there truly is no one like.