David Lee Roth, "California Girls"

Katy Perry Is No Diamond Dave

THE VIDEO David Lee Roth, "California Girls," Crazy from the Heat EP, 1985, Warner Bros.

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SAMPLE LYRIC "[I dig them girls!] I wish they all could be California / [Ow!] I wish they all could be California / I wish they all could be California girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrls"

THE VERDICT As someone who has now lived in California for four years, and who -- while inevitably growing older -- still considers herself more or less a "girl," I've got to tell you, I freakin' hate this Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg "California Gurls" song. Every time I hear Perry doing the "oh-OH-oh-OH, oh-OH-oh-OH-oh-OHHHHH" part I want to scream. It's so overproduced, so calculated, so... inaccurate. I mean women out here don't even bother with the short-shorts. I've seen girls walking around the Gaslamp (which is like the Times Square of San Diego -- disgusting, touristy, overpriced, etc.) wearing just bikinis paired with high heels. Bear in mind now this is nowhere near the beach -- just near San Diego harbor, where you can't exactly swim, let alone tan -- and that the one downside to Cali (besides no Dunkin' Donuts -- don't even get me started on that) is it gets COLD here at night! Damn girls, put on some clothes!

Or since that's probably not going to happen, can we just turn off the Katy Perry, and turn on some David Lee Roth? I know he doesn't add much to this song besides all the "Ow!" and "Ze-bops!", the eye-rolling, and of course all the roundhouse kicks. But can we please acknowledge that the Beach Boys wrote a great song, and that Diamond Dave is an amazing showman? I think we can.

This video begins -- amazingly, not with David Lee Roth or any of his associates in fat suits -- but, of course, with a creepy and bizarre panoply of racial stereotypes. I know Dave fancies himself quite the comedian, but these are not his strengths, and there's a reason why these often get stripped off the beginning of his solo videos that doesn't have anything to do with the running time. But since obviously I'm a completist, we're going to talk about them here.

We kick off with a titular quote from "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," attributed to Maurice Chevalier who sings it in Gigi. DLR continues the lecherous tradition with the addition of "and some of the other sizes too." I wish they'd actually taken it more literally (it means "little" in the sense of age more than size), so we could have a whole conversation about David Lee Roth, cougar hunter, but alas.

Following the words "somewhere in California" (uhh, I'm going to go with Venice), we get a creepy version of the music, and an even creepier voiceover that I'm guessing is meant to evoke Rod Serling and the Twilight Zone: "Submitted for your approval, a busload of tourists on a road a travel agent never told them about, a road leading to the shadowy tip of nowhere, to the land of the different, the bizarre, the unexplainable. They thought they were headed for fun in the sun... not quite. These visitors are trying to go home again, but where they're headed is another dimension entirely, one of wonder and imagination. Fasten your seatbelts, signposts up ahead, as they take a turn into the Sunlight Zone."



Who's on this journey? We've got old friends, and new friends and even a bear... okay, no bear. But get familiar, 'cause come "Yankee Rose," you're going to get to see a bunch of these all over again:

- Obviously, we've got Dave, looking extra-crazy. He's wearing a white tour bus operator's uniform that makes him look like an extra-spiffy ice cream truck driver, or maybe a milkman.
- We've got a fat lady dressed in loud, bright colors (even for 1985), heavily made up and smearing on more makeup as the bus travels (I should mention, everyone's bouncing up and down to emphasize that they're on a moving bus).
- Waldo from the "Hot for Teacher" video, looking extra-disgusting and messily eating a doughnut.
- Beginning the racial and ethnic stereotypes section of our tour bus, we've got a black couple. Both are dressed loudly, with sunglasses. The man is wearing a big hat and is picking his teeth while grinning broadly; the woman has on red sunglasses and is applying and reapplying bright red lipstick.
- A vaguely unhinged-looking plus-size lady, who appears to be dressed as a bride. She's gripping a large bouquet of fake flowers and looking around nervously.
- The next couple are either stereotypical Italians or Hispanics -- it's hard to tell with David Lee Roth videos. I'm going to go with Latinos here, since Dave usually stereotypes Italians as Mafiosos. This is a guy in a hairnet and mirrored glasses smoking a cigarillo, and a woman with big hair and sunglasses holding a baby (or something we're meant to think is a baby anyway).
- A shifty-looking Arab man, sweating profusely in a suit and a shemagh.
- A pair of nerdy Asian tourists, photographing everything. Real original, Dave. Sheesh.
- Okay this one I'm less sure about. A very tired-looking old white man who appears to be wearing some kind of costume ears.
- Next a more stereotyped white guy -- a fat bearded man in a flannel shirt and a cowboy hat sucking down a beer wrapped in a paper bag.
- Another sweaty, vaguely Arab guy. I think he's also wearing a keffiyeh but it's harder to tell.
- Last we get a vaguely Rick Moranis-looking, super-nervous white guy wearing big glasses and a sailor suit.

I guess they didn't trust Dave to actually drive the tour bus (one of those ones you ride around theme parks or country clubs, with just a little canopy roof and open sides) with the occupants in it, because when he pulls it to a stop on the boardwalk, there doesn't seem to be anyone in it (though we do get reaction shots of people looking nervous). The beach they're on is deserted and looks freezing, or maybe like it's early morning. Or like it's freezing and it's early in the morning.

As Dave's spangly shoes step out onto the pavement, the actual song finally starts (a minute and twenty seconds in to the video!). Everyone gets out of the bus, and heads for the beach, walking through fog and some weird stuff -- fallen-down fences (the kind they use to shore up dunes back east, but which I've never seen at a beach out here), caution signs, and white crosses buried in the sand as if it's a graveyard. The significance of this never becomes clear, so don't get excited, I don't have any insight for you.



Finally, the meat of the video! Dave and babes interspersed with reaction shots of Dave and various of the passengers, all of which are shot with what seems like a little bit of a fisheye lens, to make their appearances a bit more exaggerated. The first four segments illustrate the lyrics of the first verse, which I love! We've got:

- East Coast Girls: Love this one! An Elizabeth Berkley-looking woman in a white bikini and sunglasses gyrates with a pole in front of a brick wall covered in graffiti. She's holding something unidentifiable -- a cheeseburger? A cheesesteak? Ungh I totally want a cheesburger now. Great. Dave's wearing all black on top -- leather jacket, scarf -- with pink and blue spandex on the bottom.

- Southern Girls: Wow. Dave is standing with a model in front of a vintage red truck, with a confederate flag hanging behind them. She's wearing a pink bikini, a big hat, frilly white socks with heels, and gloves while sipping a drink through a long straw. In an effort to outdo her, Dave is wearing boot, jeans with the thighs cut out of them, a red bandanna, an open jacket, a hat and gloves. He may or may not be wearing a holster as well. Okay, no, it's some kind of leather fanny pack.

- Midwest Farmers' Daughters: This one is my favorite! I don't care about the girl... I could watch David Lee Roth peel that ear of corn and make sexy faces all. day. LONG. I should make an animated gif of just that and put it on every part of the web ever. Mmm, when Diamond Dave has got it, he's got it. Also this is a great montage. Dave is wearing overalls and a bandanna, and standing in front of a woman with pigtails in a brown, fringed bikini who's sitting on top of some bales of hay. There's a wagon wheel, some milk jugs, and maybe a picnic table in front of her. And behind her, a fence, and a cow! They went to all that extra trouble with the Humane Society and whatnot just to put a cow in the video for two seconds. Awesome. Oh and the girl is chewing on a piece of straw. Point, Midwestern Girls.

- Northern Girls: For this one, Dave gets two girls, dressed identically in pale blue furry bikinis and earmuffs, with white bobbed wigs. Dave's added a winter hat to his wardrobe arsenal, and in addition to the backdrop of pine trees, it's fake snowing on them. At the beach.

For the chorus, Dave's tour guide suit has suddenly become bright orange, as he leads the tourists down the abandoned boardwalk (which also looks very windy). We then see Dave making more sexy faces over the shoulder of a brunette in sunglasses who looks like she's not feeling it at all. Don't hate lady, 1985 if a great vintage of David Lee Roth. The chest hair is thick and the head hair is hangin' on.

We then see two more obliging brunettes in bikinis posing for the sweaty Arab guy and the sailor guy before going to more illustrative vignettes. We see Dave in another all-orange outfit and zinc oxide next to a busty woman enthusiastically applying sunscreen to her friend. Next Dave is wearing stirrup pants (remember those?) and a big straw hat while drinking out of a pineapple. He's in a hammock outside a palapa-roof shack, with a female bodybuilder striking poses right next to him.



Then we see Dave dancing around on the boardwalk while the tourists try to make do. Most of them are wandering around aimlessly, but some seem to have built a fire on the boardwalk. Also, how have I forgotten to mention the sunset shots of DLR? We keep also seeing shots of Dave singing and performing in his white outfit next to a palm tree, with a purple-y sunset behind him. Those I also love.

More Diamond Dave antics: In his orange tour guide outfit, Dave slides (as if on a conveyor belt, but probably just being pulled on some kind of cart) past all the women from the video, who are sitting on boxes and doing synchronized hand motions and kicks. He splashes around by a pier with two girls in sunglasses and one-piece bathing suits, while wearing a Body Glove wetsuit (dang, remember Body Glove? I mean, they're still around, but remember when Body Glove was really cool?). Then Dave lies on the sand, with women's legs doing synchronized kicks beside him. I wonder how much of this video he choreographed. Or how much of it was his idea, anyway.

We then get a genuinely bizarre meta-segment. Dave in his white tour outfit leads the tourists past an abandoned-looking gas station. Then the camera pulls back slightly, and we see it's a set -- there are lights, and a boom mic, etc. But then the camera pulls back further and we see DLR is filming this all himself, even though we can still see tour guide Dave dancing away in the distance. I'm going to guess that Dave did come up with this part himself.

Next comes the sort of breakdown part of the song, which is what most people remember from this video. Dave has shed the jacket and hat from his white suit, and is dancing down the boardwalk while the tourists watch. All of the women from the video are arrayed on either side, pretending to be mannequins, more or less, while Dave leaps and roundhouse kicks and "Ow!"s his way down the boardwalk. Personally I would find it hard to hold still while 1985 David Lee Roth was singing right next to my crotch, but that lady pulls it off. Unlike the lady he grabs sunglasses from, who at minimum moves her hand but who it kind of looks like gives him the finger!

Dave finally makes it all the way to the end, and jumps around looking ridiculous. It's finally really sunny now, so like I said either it was really cold because it was really overcast, or it was really early in the morning and the sun is just coming up. The camera pulls back away from him and down the boardwalk, past all the women posing. The tourists walk around amid all the women, and, oh great, the voiceover is back, as the camera continues to pull away.

"For you, the viewer, this is the end of the video. But for them, this is only the beginning." Of what? A bunch of them are hugging. A couple have fallen over. But wait, maybe they mean the beginning of getting to play ridiculous and often offensive characters in David Lee Roth videos. It may well be the beginning of that.

KISS, "Forever"

I'm Engaged!!!

THE VIDEO KISS, "Forever," Hot in the Shade, 1989, Mercury/Polygram

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SAMPLE LYRIC "It's for-evvvvvv-errrr / this time I know it there's no doubt in my mind / for-evvvvv-errrr / until my life is through, girl I'll be lovin' you / for-evvvvv-errrrr-eerrrrrrrrrrr"

THE VERDICT I was going to dance around why I was doing such a boring video, or what would bring me to another 80s KISS song so shortly after "Who Wants to Be Lonely?", or wax on about why KISS wrote a song with that ass-clown Michael Bolton, but I've already cut to the chase with this post's title -- I'M ENGAGED!! And while in the end the proposal did not involve this KISS song, I had many times alleged to my now-fiance that I would only accept a proposal if "Forever" was somehow involved. He actually did debate working it in there, but in the end chose not to make Paul, Gene, & co. part of our moment together. So let me do so now!

It's unclear to me why around 1990 bands decided the best way to make a video for a sappy song was to show themselves in black and white, and then have colored light filtering through some kind of elaborate window. Honestly, in general with metal videos it's hard to find something only one band did -- it's like if it worked once, we have to do it again. Hence in addition to KISS' "Forever," we've also got Firehouse's "Love of a Lifetime", which is basically the exact same video, maybe with some elements of Great White's "Save Your Love." I don't know if I could see an elaborate window and not think of a crappy song at this point in time.

The other most notable thing about this video visually -- since seriously, it's just them playing the song in this room that totally looks like it will host a wedding reception next --is that KISS are in black and white, but the light coming in is orange, ranging from like pale peach to pretty deep orange. The whole "let's make the video in black and white but color some parts in" is a much longer-standing visual trope than the "colored light through elaborate windows" one -- I mean you've got "The Hunter," "I Saw Red," "Don't Close Your Eyes," "Headed for a Heartbreak" to name a few -- just a million videos that use this.



I've talked about this before, but seriously, it's a cheesy effect. It looks like those posters you inevitably see at poster sales (alongside that idiotic thing with all the women with the Pink Floyd album art body paint) of like little kids dressed in adult clothing who are like kissing and stuff, and they're always handing each other roses, and the roses are colored in but the rest is in black and white. How this aesthetic makes it into videos I'll never know, but like I said it did long before this video (though I would say like 1989-90 is its peak) so we can't blame Michael Bolton.

In all other ways, this is your standard issue 80s KISS video. Paul Stanley is sort of playing "lead singer," and he's making duckfaces the whole time. Gene Simmons can't resist holding his bass upright and looking like a total lech even though this is supposed to be a ballad. I also like that he's the only one who has to have a copy of the music on a stand in front of him, a la Axl Rose.

The shots of Eric Carr are really fast and poorly lit -- for the most part, the camera quickly spins past him. At the same time though, Eric is all over this video compared to Bruce Kulick, who is seated such that he's completely in shadow. They barely even show Bruce during the guitar solo. You can kind of see his hands and the silhouette of his face. Instead of actually showing Bruce, they show Paul, who has gone over to tell something to Gene, which they both laugh at. I seriously pity the KISS guitarists of the 80s.

So long story short, it's an uneventful video. And yet -- as with many KISS songs in the 80s (like "Reason to Live" and "Thrills in the Night") -- the song has a total hold over me. (Admittedly though, with songs like "Uh! All Night" and "Rise to It," KISS lose even me.) Like other over-the-top favorites like Stryper's "Honestly," it is so ridiculously, insanely cheesy that it has come back around to me totally loving it and belting it out every time I hear it. (And for the record, this isn't always true -- I hate "Love of a Lifetime" [as per the above] and "I'll Never Let You Go," [aka "Angel Eyes"] so it's not like I'm not picky.)

I don't know, there's just something about this song. And since it doesn't really sound like any other KISS song -- even the super-slow ones like "Beth" -- I have a sneaking suspicion that the ante is being upped on this song by none other than Michael Bolton, who co-wrote it. It's similar to how I don't enjoy the music of Richard Marx, but I do like the songs he wrote for Vixen. And I mean, it worked -- "Forever" made it to #8 on Billboard, way higher than any of their other 80s tracks.



So long story long, when thinking about songs with which to announce my life commitment (or which I wanted playing when I did so), "Forever" topped my charts. I mean, we all know "November Rain" is sort of the most wedding-y of metal ballads, but um, she dies in the video. Also I don't want to begin my engagement with "when I look into your ey-ey-eyes / I can see a love restrained." What? No!

And even though it took me a long time to put it together, "Honestly" -- which I'd always thought would be a great wedding song -- is pretty much just about Jesus. My fiance claims to have the same attributes described in that song ("call on me / and I'll be there for you-ou-ou / I'm a friend who allllll-ways will be tru-ooooh-ue"), and he does, but even still, it's about Jesus. I'm not religious at all, and I still can't not hear it as being about Jesus.

Another option that came to mind was "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica, arguably the only Metallica love song. Fun fact about me: I worked as a writer for a wedding magazine for several years (I was working there when I started this blog!), and so have written many, many stories about real people's weddings. The only metal song I ever encountered a couple using for their first dance was "Nothing Else Matters" -- romantic-ish lyrics, sure, but what a long, dirge-y first dance!

I mean, it was a refreshing change from the usual BS couples pick ("Amazed" by Lonestar, any version of "At Last"), but I kind of felt for their guests. The second closest I saw was a couple whose processional (that's the part where everyone walks down the aisle to you laymen) was "When It's Love" by Van Halen, but since I do not acknowledge them as a band unless David Lee Roth is involved, I don't count that one.

In any event, lack of actual KISS music aside, the proposal was everything I could have asked for -- and I'm not just saying that because really all I wanted was to marry this guy. I'm so excited! But I promise not to devolve into all sappy posts or declare summer to be power ballad season or anything like that. You just have to indulge me in this one KISS song first.

Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind"

Possibly the Weirdest Video Yet

THE VIDEO Saxon, "Ride Like the Wind," Destiny, 1988, Enigma

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SAMPLE LYRIC "And I've got such a long way to go / to make it to the border of Mexico / so I'll ride / ride like the wind / ride like the wind"

THE VERDICT It's been a while since I did a video that is just a total mess of WTFery, so when I stumbled on this Saxon clip that I had utterly forgotten about I just knew I had to share it with the world.

As a disclaimer, even at the best of times I'm not a big Saxon fan. Technically, I'm not the biggest NWOBHM fan. Yes, I was technically born during the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal, but that means that by the time I was fully sentient i.e. watching MTV, hair was big, glam was king, and I was along for the ride. I mean, if there was one thing I worshipped as a little girl it was long hair (on both men and women). This is probably why I have had exactly one short haircut in my entire life, and I still feel like I'm recovering from that. BTW, it was ten years ago.

But anyway Saxon! So they've got a badass Olde English name, and yes, they gave Metal Sludge its tagline. But I'm just not feeling them as much as say Iron Maiden or Def Leppard (yes, pre-Hysteria they totally count as NWOBHM). I just feel like Saxon's sound is a bit too sludgy and plodding for me. Like "Denim and Leather" for example. Great sentiment, hella boring song. Even allmusic can't make up their minds about Saxon -- they refer to The Power & the Glory as both "unfocused" and "lackluster" and one of their "earlier classics."

Okay enough digressions, I'm supposed to be talking about the video. Or at least the song -- and in this case, the song itself is where the WTF begins. Now being me, I first knew this as a Saxon song. But then one day I was at the grocery store and I heard this playing, sandwiched in between the usual Amy Grant and other lite rock feelgoodery. Wait, what?! Saxon at the grocery?!

But of course, it wasn't -- it was Christopher Cross, since this is actually a cover song. At least two things are really weird about this choice. One, you'd think this was country music, because it's a story song about being a gunslinger on the run. But really two, Saxon don't do much of anything with it. As per the obvious, they guitar it up a bit, and lose the bongos and keyboards, but the vocal doesn't really innovate on the original, hence some of my confusion in the market.

Okay all that aside, the reason I'm even doing this is the video. And oh, the video. It takes the song literally, with all of the band members appearing to be in some kind of Mexican prison. Or maybe it's just the old west. In spite of the members of Saxon wearing 80s clothes and having their instruments (and an arm chair?!) in their cells, there's hay on the ground, and everyone else is wearing ponchos and sombreros. Biff Byford is pushing his head through the bars of his cell and looking especially old and tired.



But fear not! Look who's coming to save them... in some kind of weird, blue-lit factory space that appears to have nothing to do with the jail except that some of the old-timey prison guards are in it. Yes, Saxon's saviors are a trio of women wearing -- I am not making this up -- neoprene-looking bra-tops and high waisted skirts. They're all primary colors paired with black -- so yellow, red, and blue. The old-timey guards are chasing them with flashlights along some kind of catwalk, though we never really see them in the same shot together. Also BTW, these women are capable of a tremendous amount of hair tossing while they run.

Back in the jail, the members of Saxon are killing time. Nigel Durham is drumming in the air, in the great tradition of heavy metal drummers placed in music video situations where they don't have their drum kit. His cell mate, who looks like he's in a mariachi band, is drinking on the bunk above him. Another of the boys is doing push-ups and sit-ups on the floor. Biff keeps checking his pocket watch with his extremely feminine hands. Seriously, I hope it's a body double, it's kind of weird. Also, his wedding band is really pimptastic.

Then it's back to the ladies again. Lots of jiggle -- or okay, as much as all those neoprene bodysuits will allow -- as they run through some smoke. We get a bunch of closeups of their butts, showing us that they've come equipped with more carabiners than they probably need, based on the looks of that prison. We even get an upskirt shot from beneath the catwalk. Classy Saxon, really classy.

Somehow shots of the girls tossing their hair and looking frantic, close-ups of Biff, and Graham Oliver (or is it Paul Quinn?) looking extra bored laying on his prison cot with a guitar are meant to convey to us... something. That the girls are getting closer, even though they appear to be in a dystopian future, and the band seems to be in the old west? Oh no, I guess they were just signaling it was time for the guitar solo.

Oh wow. That was quick. And now Biff is packing a suitcase in his jail cell. He's packed his jeans and oh, don't worry, he's packed his gold record. His cellmate watches him semi-incredulously as he then sinks down into his armchair. Yup, it's the poshest prison in the old west. They let you bring all your stuff with you.



Okay, the ladies have made it to a door with yellowish light shining through the grates, and Biff has shut both his pocket watch and the cover on his record player. I think this signals that we're meant to think this gigantic dark warehouse is indeed somehow an annex of this old time Mexican prison. Oh wow, now they've used a system of pulleys and a can of paint to not simply pull the door of its hinges, but to break a giant hole in the wall. Seriously, you have to watch this video. It's amazing that it's 1988 and they still think stuff like this is a good idea.

The other prisoners look completely blase as the ladies enter the prison and liberate Byford. The others in the band at least bother to sort of acknowledge that something's happening, but even they seem pretty okay with cell life. I mean jeez, if they can bring their instruments and furniture and stuff, prison is kind of like the cheapest rent you can get, right?

Oh helpful. The redhead (yellow costume) has paused, looked around, and then dropped the keys to the cellblock in the middle of the hallway behind her. Nice way to let the other boys in the band know they're appreciated! Biff is leaving via the warehouse with the gals, while we see someone's fingers desperately grasping for the keys. Then he and the ladies then disappear into the fog.

Seriously Saxon, WTF! If you had to go all literal with this song's lyrics, you could have made a cool-ass video like "Wanted Man." Or even something a little bit cheesier, like "Blind in Texas." But instead, you turn it into some Wilson Phillips lookalikes (seriously -- straight blonde hair, curly redhead, bobbed brunette) wearing Body Glove busting you out of a Mexican prison. Or at least, a prison full of Mexicans.

The weirdness in this video is unstoppable. There's no riding in it. There's not even wind! It's like they made the whole concept for the video, then were like "oh wait, the song is about the old west, so the whole fog-filled warehouse concept isn't going to work." And then some enterprising individual was like, "wait, what if there's a door in the warehouse that leads to an old-timey Mexican prison!" And then everyone's like "congratulations, that's a fantastic idea."

Stranger things have happened... I guess.