Queensryche, "Queen of the Reich"

Team Queensryche World Police

THE VIDEO Queensryche, "Queen of the Reich," Queensryche, 1983, EMI America

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SAMPLE LYRIC "There is no escayyy-ape / it's the ending of your / precious li-iiife / your soul slipped awayyy-ay / it belongs / to the Queen of the Reiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Prepare yourself for a little story from the "Tales of Queensryche" -- in fact, the Queensryche creation myth of sorts. This video starts off with a Star Wars style intro that I could skip over -- but I could also quote the entire thing, leaving all of their weird line breaks and capitalizations intact! The only change I've made is that well, the writing on the screen is in red with a black shadow, and unlike Star Wars, it's all for whatever reason (lack of actual computer technology?) left-aligned.

"In The Millenium After / The 4th Great War / The World Was In / Chaos. / An Evil Adventurer / Had Discovered An / Ancient Computer / Energized By A Crystal / So Powerful That It / Enabled Her to Enslave / The World And To / Become Queen... / "Queen Of The Reich." / Many Tried To Destroy / The Queen And Failed / Only To Be / Absorbed / Into Her Computer / Shrine. / Mankind's Last Hope / Was The Five Freedom / Fighters..."

While this is going on there's of course, mad guitars and a lot of stuff moving around behind a heavy fog. The first real thing we see is the band, spinning around on some kind of rock pyre while Geoff Tate screams, and then Geoff Tate's scream becomes the Queen's scream, as she clutches he big computer head. Who is the Queen of the Reich? (Other than an evil adventurer). Well, as best as I can tell, she's a leggy brunette who favors red lipstick and a giant metal half-helmet with a Cyclops-style single eye slit. She finishes off her look with a low-cut, midriff-baring silver bustier with linebacker-style silver shoulder pads.

She's watching various enslaved peoples on her ancient computer shrine (which appears to have a giant flat screen!) when she spots the Queensrychers, whom she asks the computer to identify (which it does, nothing their full names and instruments played, using that amazing super 80s computer font in green). Let it be noted also that the rest of the computer, which is probably supposed to look like it's made of crystals but was probably actually made from someone's old Habitrail, appears to be a bong. Or perhaps a superbong made from many, many other bongs.

Anyway, as Queensryche whoop it up on a very misty soundstage, the computer "runs identification" on them. She's like "uh-uh," and while they're walking around in a misty, spiky sort of future forest, she sends some equally spiky-looking robot monster things after them. They fight by sort of falling on each other, and then the monsters drag everyone but Geoff down into a hole of some sort, and he's all like, "nooooo!"

The monsters bring them down to the Queen, who's been flipping channels on her super computer between what's going on and the band performing the song. She takes a look at all of them and her Cyclops thingy just lights right up. She's got again, what looks like a bong in her hand, and as she waves it at each band member, they either turn into aluminum foil or, more likely, turn into being covered with foil (it's hard to tell what exactly happens, but suffice it to say foil is definitely involved). The whole time this is going on, Queensryche's really rocking out back on the soundstage.



The dual guitar solos wake Geoff Tate up, and he's all "dude, what happened?" but then he gets it together and gets up. He manages to successfully open a door in a chain-link fence, then he's in this spooky hallway. He runs and hides just as the (inevitable) monsters that look like obese worms (what, was this a cheap costume to rent or make or something? This monster is in like every video) are bringing a (also inevitable) comely female prisoner down the hall. He kicks and zaps the monsters, then kneels to help the scantily clad damsel. But the Queen is watching, and as he and the girl make their way between the papier-mâché walls, she is suddenly turned into a sort of robot monster thing. Oh no!

The two start to tangle, and next thing you know they're in the Queen's throne room (or at least her computer nook). She zaps him with a laser, but then he uses some foil to reflect her laser and zap her back (the oldest trick in the book! See "The Mystery of the Lizard Men"). Geoff quickly runs over and like, touches all the bongs (he doesn't really do anything to them, the effect is more like he's playing Simon), allowing all of his bandmates to be released from their foil-covered fate. The Queen apparently frozen, they all high-five each other.

Oh, but is she frozen? They walk back, and she's like, moving her fingers around and stuff, so Geoff decides to remove her robo-helmet. What's under it? We'll never know (because we don't see it), but it gives off a blinding light and a strong wind (or possibly a strong scent, based on some of their faces!). The video tells us it's "To be continued..." then we see a shot of the band members backlit and that "Tales of Queensryche" logo again.

THE VERDICT Well. If you were expecting "Silent Lucidity" or "Jet City Woman," this one's kind of a surprise. Who knew Queensryche were so, well, cheesy? The name was always a hint, and this video finally explains what it was hinting at. Which is why I love it. I mean, the fact that there is a Queen of the Reich is pretty amazing, as is the whole in the future but found an ancient computer thing. And are their really more Tales of Queensryche? I have to plead ignorance on this one -- while I'm sure there are like, a bajillion videos between this one and Operation Mindcrime, I've never seen them. (On a side note, I wonder if Angelina Jolie would be willing to play the Queen if this got a big-budget remake. On another side note, how bummed was I that the Queensryche "playing Operation Mindcrime in its entirety" show totally did not come anywhere near me? SO bummed.)

In an effort to speak more coherently about why I like this video: It brings together so, so many of the tropes seen in early 80s metal videos. First, hot woman as enslaver. Like the women in "Rock You Like a Hurricane," "Into the Fire," and "Looks That Kill," the Queen might be hot, but she's basically looking to tie them up (and not that kind of "tie them up"). Even the damsel in distress who shows up toward the end winds up being a threat. As I've mentioned with other videos, this is really common during what I consider to be metal's 'preadolescent' years.

Second, there's the idea of the whole band (not just the lead singer, although everyone but Tate does manage to get covered in foil pretty early on) as actors and as driving the plot of the video. The sort of unspoken idea here is that the guys have gotta stick together to throw off possible enslavement by robobabes.

Third, of course there's the sci-fi dystopian future run by robots/computers (an obvious concern in the early 80s) -- and this is the coolest one this side of "The Last in Line." And lastly, you've got to love the "special effects," from the turning into foil to the lasers. I'm obsessed. Not since Ed Wood have people tried so hard using so little.

Megadeth, "Peace Sells"

Hell Yeah Dave Mustaine!

THE VIDEO Megadeth, "Peace Sells," Peace Sells ...But Who's Buying?, 1986, Capitol

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SAMPLE LYRIC "What do you mean I could be the president / of the United States of America / tell me something / it's still We, the People, right? / If there's a new wave / I'll be the first in line / It better work this time"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The video opens with Megadeth's weird logo thing, Vic Rattlehead (who can best be described as a skull wearing what can only be described as welded-on metal BluBlockers with more weird metal things wiring its jaw shut -- again, another band that could have taken mascot lessons from Iron Maiden) exploding, and Dave Mustaine showing off not the world's best dental work beneath a cascade of guitar.

Continued close-ups of Mustaine's mouth are interposed with rapid, back-and-forth footage that follows the content of the lyrics -- e.g., "What do you mean I don't believe in god? / I talk to him every day" shows us artworks of various world religion's central figures (Buddha, Shiva, J.C., etc.) along with an enormous crowd of people saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

I absolutely love this because it reminds me of the old Headbanger's Ball bumpers -- you know, they would say like "Work" and show old black and white footage of prisoners breaking up rocks, stuff like that. Those were so frickin' awesome! Why, oh why can't their be an MTV Classic channel where they just show the old shows, intact? I would love to see those damn bumpers, I would love to see all Riki Rachtman's barbecues again, I would love -- okay, okay, sorry. I digress.

As we hit the chorus, we see that we're at a totally badass Megadeth concert! Band footage (as well as footage of fans going nuts) is now added to the mix. Sometimes we're now also getting a split screen, with concert on the bottom, other stuff on top (it could also be noted that the news-style footage used here is very similar to the stuff jaded, L.A. Axl watches in "Welcome to the Jungle.")

When Mustaine intones, "Can we put a price on peace?" suddenly we pull out, and the video becomes the TV screen in a living room (shot in black and white). A long-haired youth sits cross-legged on the floor directly in front of the TV nodding along as the father enters the room. The father brusquely puts his newspaper beneath his arm, grabs the remote and, changing the channel, says, "What is this garbage you're watching? I want to watch the news" [emphasis in original]. The kid pauses, turns (showing us his Slayer t-shirt) and says, "This is the news," changing the channel back using the TV knob.



This brings me to one of my main (and only) points -- I swear up and down (and no one believes me) that this kid is played by Jason Lively, who reprises Anthony Michael Hall's role as 'Rusty' in National Lampoon's European Vacation. I have no proof of this, save for a physical resemblance and a telltale lisp, but now the rumor's on the internet (so there!).

At this point, the video's basically all Dave Mustaine going "peace sells, but who's buying?" a jillion times, mad guitars, and Megadeth fans just losing it. All of the images are going even faster at this point too, and besides the usual heavily armed police running, planes, maps, bombed-out buildings, world flags, and people wearing skull masks, we also start seeing an alternating peace sign/dollar sign in front of it all. It basically goes on like this, until everything sort of blends together.

THE VERDICT Wow, wow, and wow. This is like, Dave Mustaine and the boys could have really just thrown in the towel and gone home happy after this one. This song is amazing and I never, ever tire of it. It's the one time that Mustaine's liberal politics and amazing guitar skills come together just almost miraculously (unlike in later songs like "Foreclosure of a Dream" and "Symphony of Destruction," which I kind of consider to be also-rans compared to this one).

Obviously, this song's a favorite of mine, particularly first thing in the morning (you know, you're not feeling like going to work, you are feeling like asking many questions of The Man). And as slogans go, it's not bad either. My interpretation (and I may be wrong, but whatever), is that it's like yes, peace is very appealing as an idea, but look what governments are really spending their money on (police, arms, wars, etc). A brilliant job of encapsulating this in five words (and a ton of pictures being flashed at once A Clockwork Orange style).

Which is why it's included even though the video's not amazing (well, it is amazing, but since not a lot happens in it, I don't have as much to talk about -- save for the Jason Lively cameo). Still, my only complaint here is that we really don't get a good look at Dave Mustaine at any point. I mean, any look at Dave Mustaine's a good look, but, you know, I'm just saying I could have dealt with seeing a little bit more of him. (Or a lot, heh heh).

Mötley Crüe, "Too Young to Fall in Love"

What Up Ninjas

THE VIDEO Mötley Crüe, "Too Young to Fall In Love," Shout at the Devil, 1983, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Well you're killin' me / your love's a guillotine / why won't you just set me freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ah / too young to fall in love / (I'm too young!) / too young to fall in love / (much too young!) / too young to fall in loooo-ooooove"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION Drunken sailors paw at a stumbling hooker while extras from a high school production of Les Miserables cavort in Mötley Crüe's creepy 80s meets Mad Max version of China (or possibly Chinatown). A little kid, and then a guy dressed possibly like a monk (or at least in a long robe) encounter one of them, an especially derelict-looking young girl sitting in the gutter.

While an unidentified person eats an unidentified food in a poorly lit room, the kid runs to go tell Nikki Sixx, who is with the rest of the crüe preening in front of wooden blinds. As the mötley lads stand up, ready to take action, we see that the person eating the whatever was actually the girl from the first scene, as the monk-style-dude abruptly announces that dinner's over, pulling her up from the table.

Meanwhile, the crüe's on the move, with Vince Neil (sorry Vince, but this story was priceless -- and it was the #2 link on Google) leading the others down the street from the opening shot in the best 80s meets West Side Story style I've seen since 'Love is a Battlefield.' They are possibly already too late though, as the monk dude is already leading her into much, much fancier rooms, where the doors open automatically to display an array of charming concubines. A fat dude in sunglasses comes out, briefly inspects the goods, then beckons her inward as the automatic doors close, leaving the monk dude outside (and not even paying him a commission!).

Mötley Crüe seem to have given up, as the guys have now taken a break to set up all of their equipment in the same street, and Vince is still crazy gyrating, though he's got nothing on Tommy Lee, who appears to be trying out for the part of Dr. Frank N. Furter as he drums. People talk all the time about guitar face, but seriously, Tommy takes top prize over anybody when it comes to uh, drum face.



As we go into the guitar solo, we're back in the fancy rooms, and at the center of all the concentric doors (sorry, I know I'm not describing these well, but since I don't know the proper architectural term nor do I want to fall back on catch-all terms like "Chinese style," I'm kind of at a loss here), we see the fellow hookers cleaning the main girl up by dumping a bucket of water on her, in a scene reminiscent of both Flashdance and, strangely, Coming to America. (Note that there's no actual parallel scene in the second movie visually, just the idea of exotically clad people err, washing each other).

But okay, the crüe's done messing around, as the little kid shows them into the kitchen. Tommy tries to pause to taste the unidentified food, but Vince is like, "dude, come on," so they keep going. As we reprise the song's opening, we finally get a good view of the old sunglasses dude as he sees the crüe appear in one of the rounded doorways. The girl comes out, now all cleaned up and brandishing a fan. With typical "Yaaaa!" "Hiyaaa!" sound effects, rather androgynous ninjas appear.

The crüe scatter, and as Vince dodges one's blows with his dance moves, Mick Mars dispatches his with a truly half-hearted kick (I know the guy's got a bad hip but come on, please! Okay, seriously though, even if he's a rat-looking bastard and all the stuff about ghost aliens or whatever in The Dirt was crazy, Mick's a total sweetie). Vince gets rid of his ninja foe by kind of shoving the guy's sword back toward him, and Nikki utilizes a similar move. Tommy, however, opts for the classic bitch slap (replete with sound effects).

Their job here apparently done, the boys reunite in the doorway, and for whatever reason it is revealed to us that both the old man and the young girl have on the little two strokes of cheek war paint so often favored by the crüe members, particularly Tommy (as well as Adam Ant). As each bit of face art is revealed, a gong is struck (why?). Nikki makes a "pff, whatever" face and waves like he totally doesn't care, Mick shakes his head and walks off, Vince kind of shrugs and walks away, while Tommy poses for significantly longer (internal monologue: "Dude, I'm the hottest member of this band! I mean I'm married to Heather friggin' Locklear").



The band members move briskly back through the kitchen, brushing themselves off, and at last Tommy gets to try the mystery dish -- or so he thinks. A knife-brandishing ninja (possibly the monk dude from the beginning, but this video has barely any light in it so its hard to tell) takes a swing at him from behind, but Tommy takes him out by swinging a sack of something and hitting him right in the gut. As he finally tastes said mystery food, he makes a face ("Eew!") and spits it out (and yeah, we get to hear him spit), then leaves. The video ends with another gong sound, as the crüe make devil horns and throw gang signs, safely stationed once again before their backlit window shade.

THE VERDICT Okay. So we've got a street urchin recruited for a life of prostitution, and a little boy who tells the band to come rescue her (or something). Because then yeah, the rescue just involves fighting some ninjas, comparing makeup, and then leaving -- they totally don't rescue her. And thought they're "too young to fall in love," they don't seem to be in love with her. And if she's "too young" to be forced into pseudo-sexual slavery, then why don't they save her? Even though the little kid is standing with them again at the end, you can imagine Nikki sort of punching him in the arm like, "dude, that was so not worth it!"

It's kind of the same thing with the song (and in actuality yes, this is one of my favorite Mötley Crüe songs -- if you're going to love this stuff in the first place, you can't be too picky about whose lyrics are more or less misogynistic than others). The lyrics involve a lot of weird, pointless comparisons ("you say our love is like dynamite / open your eyes, it's like fire and ice"). Vince says this unnamed person's love is killing him, her "love's a [metaphorical] guillotine" from which he implores her to set him free, but then by the next verse, it's no longer a metaphor (or a simile -- sorry, I'm not so hot on these things now that I'm out of school). "Now I'm killing you / watch your face turn blue" -- uh, whoa! When did that happen? Weird, if you ask me (and also much more explicit than these things usually get, no matter what the PMRC may have claimed back in the day).

So yeah, in the end, this is a tough call. The video (like the song itself) almost has a narrative, but it doesn't quite work out. This does definitively place it in between older, essentially non-narrative videos ("Live Wire") and later, more explicitly narrative videos ("Dr Feelgood") -- somewhat of a reversal of the trend we see with most other bands, who go from heavily scripted to (what at least are made to look like) more unscripted videos. All I can say is CRRüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüüE!

Warrant, "Heaven"

Down Boys and Warrant Girls

THE VIDEO Warrant, "Heaven," Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich, 1989, Columbia

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Heaven isn't too far awa-a-ay (ahhh-ahhh) / Closer to it ev-er-y da-a-ay (ooh-ooh) / No matter what your friends might say-ay-ay / We'll find a way"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with Jani Lane silhouetted in the shadows, only the white leather stars dangling from the fringe on his white leather jacket clearly visible as he strums his guitar. As Jani's face comes forward to take up the whole frame (the image that most people probably find the most memorable in this video), a viewfinder pops up.

We then go into the first of several Polaroid-style pictures of the band, beginning with guitarist Erik, who's looking out the window of the bus, just coolin' out in his shades, then back to Jani, who's wearing a very low-cut top and a seriously old school white boy do-rag.

Next we see the person taking the photos -- a very typical metal babe for this point in time (brunette, straight hair, easy to imagine dancing around in a vest and Blossom hat, or simply hanging out with Joey Lawrence for that matter). Anyway, it's ostensibly this woman we have to thank for this intimate portrait of Warrant. Next it's drummer Steven, pointing at the camera (with finger, not drumstick, shockingly), then we pull out to see the whole scene of what was happening in Jani's portrait (they're all walking down the street in very purple-y black and white).

We see Jani strumming his guitar again, this time with the New York City skyline visible in the background (which is kind of amazing, because no offense but it looks like the bulk of the footage in this video was filmed at a state fair in Iowa -- UPDATE: I wasn't too far off. Based on all the KXXR merch visible in this video, they're in the Minneapolis area).

And yes -- we've finally got a better view of the first of what is I believe three white leather outfits he'll rock in this video. This one's the one with the stars hanging off of the sleeves plus diamond-shape cutouts up and down the thighs. Hot. As Jani sings, "memories are great and man they're really comin' back," he remembers riding around on one of the other Warrant dude's back. Not that I'm casting aspersions on his masculinity or anything -- I mean jeez, he knocked up that chick from "Cherry Pie" after all.



Hey, there's bassist Jerry (who spends the rest of the video fighting Jani in a battle for doe-eyed, pouty supremacy), chewing gum in his shades (apparently this band does nothing on the bus), then lead guitarist Joey showing off a tattoo (I wish I could tell what it's a tattoo of -- spoiler alert: Prepare yourself for a great tattoo later in this video). As we gear up for the chorus, we get the first split screen of the video (yes!): Jani with guitar on the left, Warrant entering their hotel rooms on the bottom right, and frantic female Warrant fans on the upper right.

Whoa! As the chorus busts out, we first see the entire Warrant soundstage set in full force: lots of spinning lights and platforms, the band's name repeated several times in giant white letters, and of course, all the lads in their white leather suits. We quickly cut to the other performance footage used throughout the video, which is basically the opposite, except for the white suits (don't worry, they're still there): A Warrant concert, outdoors, mid-day, Jani sweaty and shirtless, and again, every Warrant fan in middle America out there givin' it all they've got. When Jani drops to his knees and stretches an arm out to the crowd, seriously, it looks like if these people had the room to do it, they'd do it too.

This dichotomous footage forms the meat of the rest of the video: The cleaner, whiter (suits, that is) on the dark fake stage, versus the sweatier, more warmly lit version (where the white suits include many black leather accents, including their names written on their forearms) on the real stage. But which stage will win? Well, let's see what each has going for it.

The fake stage is more dramatically lit. While Jani gets down on his knees and gestures theatrically, the lights sort of spin around, which is pretty impressive looking. Also, with this lighting we get the many, many close-up shots of Jani emoting, which is critical to the success of this song. I mean, it's pretty cheesy -- you have to be the kind of person who's gonna squeal, "Omigod, I want Jani to wrap his arms around me so he can feel me breathe" to be getting that into this. That's a tough level to reach for most, so Jani's doing everything he can.

Warrant also moves around a lot slower on this stage. Jani and Jerry spend time walking around together, and the photographer chick seems to be way more interested in taking pictures of them doing this stuff than playing live (I think she just doesn't want to get involved with that great unwashed crowd, but what can you do). Instead, she stands in front of a blue backdrop painted with clouds while holding a TV playing (what else?) more Warrant.

On the real stage, Jani has security guards there so he can ride around on their shoulders. Also, Warrant have that disgusting looking logo on their backdrop (you know, when you make your logo a revolting fat tycoon you really aren't doing yourselves any favors -- Warrant could have stood to take a lesson from Iron Maiden and Eddie).



Still though, we're with this stage when we get the key lyric, "I don't need to be a Superrrman / as long as you will always be my big-gest fa-a-a-a-an." That means we get to see (you guessed it!) Warrant's biggest fans! People who are going bonkers from meeting Jani Lane (whatever, shut up, I would be too); the boys signing Warrant t-shirts; babes who've customized their Warrant t-shirts to make them a bit racier (because the disembodied-female-legs-bending-over logo wasn't racy enough); and then, truly the piece de resistance -- a fan with a "Down Boys" tattoo. Advantage: Real stage.

Hell, it doesn't matter. Warrant bust out the split screen again so that we can see them get on their knees, indulging in some synchronized headbanging, on two screens at once. Wow. I can't even keep up with everything that goes on in this video. Suffice it to say that it's a super-lot of headbanging (okay, headswaying), hairshaking, and more white leather than anyone can handle. Ruffles, fringe, non-functional zippers, kneepads, lacing, appliqués, and elaborate codpieces are just some of the fripperies that accent these suits. Do they still own these things, or are they in some Hard Rock Café somewhere? It would just break my heart to see one of those things on eBay (especially if I didn't win it).

As the video winds up, Warrant redoubles their efforts. Excessive close-up footage of Jani is coupled with shots of him playing an acoustic guitar alone in a window and walking around by himself at night (message: he's so lonely -- he's alone again), and every band member begins to sing along with the song on the fake stage. Meanwhile on the real stage, our focus is on the fans, their outstretched arms-a-reachin.'

But whoa, back on the fake stage they're leaping off the risers, and sparks are raining down. It almost appears the fake stage has won -- synchronized moves in front of the whole spark shower thing have taken over both halves of the split screen. But then no, the real stage is still in it: A very sweaty Jani holds his microphone off to the crowd, then falls backward, presenting an especially vivid view of the lacing keeping it in his white leather pants.

But after all that back and forth, the video wraps up by going back to the real footage, including a shot of the entire band in towels and apparently caught right in the middle of brushing their teeth, which for some reason I find incredibly endearing -- possibly Jani should have been doing that the whole time, instead of just relying on his baby blues (or the wink and smile he leaves us with at the video's close, before we see Warrant walk off our screen).



THE VERDICT I could try to hate Warrant. But why? They've taken enough crap, and I mean jeez, it's not like they're Winger or something really terrible (Firehouse, anyone?). I have a whole lotta love for this video because it gave me one of the coolest and most memorable dreams I've ever had (gross, no! Not that kind of dream). Not at all.

A bunch of years ago, I dreamt I saw a Warrant: Behind the Music on VH1. It was so real, I thought I'd watched it for like, three days. But really, it turned out that my subconscious had just taken the "behind the scenes" footage from this video, what Jani Lane looks like now, and my extensive knowledge of Warrant, and turned it into like, a completely convincing hour-long program. You've got to sing along with "Heaven," just like you've got to smile when you hear "Down Boys" even if most of the lyrics make no sense whatsoever.

Sorry, anyway. Video. Focus. Okay. The way I see it, the video for "Heaven" is like Warrant's love letter to their fans. Warrant fans have certainly taken their share of hits through the years (e.g. less attractive female metal fans being known as "Warrant girls"), but whatever. Obviously, if they were willing to get "Down Boys" tattoos, these people were pretty intense, and Warrant wants to give some of that back. I generally find footage of fans in a video to be a nice touch (focusing in on a few people at different times rather than just having like, constant anonymous arms), and I always love footage of bands meeting fans (a chick going crazy because one of the Scorpions is signing her stomach? Priceless!).

Even the lyrics ("No matter what your friends might say / We'll find a way") seem to imply not just the possibility of a romance of outcasts but yes, an understanding of the forbidden nature of Warrant fandom. So yes. Even though they overdo the sincerity a little bit, you've got to love Warrant -- they're like the big, sloppy Lab-that-thinks-it's-a-lap-dog that you don't have the heart to shove off the sofa, even though they're sort of cutting off the circulation in your left leg and drooling all over your magazine.

P.S.: Lush, lovely, full-size pics added to this post 7/3/10.

Cinderella, "Nobody's Fool"

Fractured Fairy Tales

THE VIDEO Cinderella, "Nobody's Fool," Night Songs, 1986, Mercury

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I screeeeeeam my heart out / just to make a dime / and with that dime I buy your love / but nowww Iiiiiiiii've changed myyyyyyyyyyy miiiiiiiiiinnnnnddd / I'm not your foooooooooooooooooooooool"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION This video opens with the two model-types who I'll call the Wicked Stepsisters. They appear as recurring characters in the videos from Night Songs, even though this is the only video that is actually a Cinderella story of sorts. I know, I know, this is the kind of thing I should know about backwards and forwards, but I don't. I'll look into it, I promise.

In any event, the Wicked Stepsisters take a very jiggly run through the night to their frickin' adorable polka-dot car, screaming and making my dog wake up every time they are nearly hit by oncoming traffic. Hopping in, they struggle out of their sunglasses, red tops, and black and white polka dot miniskirts (an outfit god knows I would have found enviable in the 80s or, you know, slightly more recently), and into red elbow-length gloves; tube tops with sparkly wraps; black tulle petticoats beneath black and white polka dot skirts (accented with red garters beneath!), earrings with giant, dangly dice; and enormous sun-hats made to resemble clocks. They crank up "Shake Me," and it's off to follow Cinderella's limo to the video shoot.

We catch up with the band just as they're arriving at the shoot, and we find that they're not alone -- Tom Keifer's got a comely young lass on his arm. Though she's no dresser compared to the Wicked Stepsisters (a sort of black crop top over something brown and lacy, a see-through black miniskirt, black lace gloves, a chain belt, and black thigh-high stockings with visible garters), her softer hair and makeup show that this is the girl we're supposed to be empathizing with, no matter how much we want the other girls' car. So in this video, at least, she's Cinderella. But since the band is Cinderella, too, we'll call the girl Cindy. Anyway, Tom gives her a choice seat beside the stage while the Sisters file in the back.



Cinderella take the stage, which features some kind of sandy floor as well as a sunset-like backdrop in yellow, orange, and pink that really shows off Tom and Eric's carwash-strip frock coats to excellent effect. Something black snows down from the ceiling as Tom does his best to use a badass heavy metal version of sign language to illustrate the lyrics. Everyone's tossing their hair and pouting, and it's really frickin' awesome, the Sisters are getting down, but Cindy keeps watching the clock. Before we're even all the way through the chorus, she's up and outta there!

Cindy's running home while Cinderella keeps rocking. She curls up on her bed, giving me a break from describing what's going on with her to describe how much I l-o-v-e Tom Keifer's voice. On lines like "I scccrrrrrreaammm my hearrrrt out," we can really enjoy the whole like, high-pitched growl thing that this man has just absolutely perfected. I would probably like Cinderella songs no matter what (they're just good songs), but Keifer's distinctive voice just adds so much that I can't really imagine them without it.

During the guitar solo that follows, we see Cindy getting up from her bed in slo-mo. She grabs the bedposts at the foot of the bed and is engulfed in weird blue light, then she sort of turns into stars. All to change from her rocker babe outfit into her nightgown! Nightie-clad, she heads back out the door, running down the street to join what is now a massive crowd of people outside of the studio. As the band heads to their limo, we see the Sisters getting the car door slammed right in front of them (burned!).

It appears that the entire band has gotten back into the limo, but then we see Tom Keifer pausing to sign an autograph for a fan. It's Cindy! But is he like, "Hey baby, you're back! Come on and get in the limo!" No, they just sort of share a meaningful look.



THE VERDICT Let's get this out of the way: I love this song. I'm obsessed with this song. I have a recurring fantasy (something I think about while I'm on the subway and I'm really not wanting to go to work) where I audition for a band by singing this song, and I kick so much ass that they hire me immediately, and then like, we play mad clubs doing amazing 80s metal cover shows. But enough about me, on to the video.

I've always found this video kind of weird because it's like, okay, it's like a Cinderella story but not. She's already all tarted up and with the guy when the video starts, but otherwise it sort of follows the fairytale. You know, midnight, has to leave, changes back, etc., etc. But when she leaves, Tom Keifer totally doesn't care -- there's no glass slipper or anything, and he doesn't even notice when she gets up. And he doesn't have to search for her, she just shows up again! And when she does, he's not like, "You're the one, come away with me." He kind of smiles at her like, "Hey, it's that chick again." So it doesn't really fit.

But then, as I was just watching and writing this now, I thought to myself, "Whoa, dumbass!" Okay, the latter half of the video obviously takes a literal interpretation of the Cinderella story (where the fairytale ends with like, wow, maybe you'll be able to get two seconds of Tom Keifer's time and an autograph even though you were like, totally hanging out before), but maybe, maybe either a) there is another Night Songs video I don't know about (hard to believe, but maybe) that tells the first half of the story? Where we actually see Cindy and the Wicked Stepsisters interacting, where we see Cindy become transformed into a babe, and where we find out how the hell she got hooked up with Tom Keifer in the first place.

It makes more sense that this is an entire other video, and not just exposition missing from this video, since this video already starts with some amount of exposition. Or maybe we are just supposed to accept the fractured fairytale we see in the video for what it is? Either way, I feel I've asked more questions than I answered here, so I'm on the case. I'm getting to the bottom of this.

Poison, "Fallen Angel"

A Cautionary Tale

THE VIDEO Poison, "Fallen Angel," Open Up and Say ...Aah!, 1988, Capitol Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Win big, mama's fallen angellllll / lose big, livin' her lies / wants it all, mama's fallen angel-ellllll / lost it all, rollin' the dice of her life"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION After her brother compliments their mother on her fine dinner that evening, Mama's Fallen Angel drops a bomb at the dinner table. "I've decided to move. To California. And I want to leave on Friday." Her parents seem alarmed at the suggestion, but it's a quiet, unspoken alarm. And sure enough, next we see her, Angel is hopping off a bus in Hollywood (apparently they were willing to give her a ride to the station).

Cue Poison! Yes, C.C.'s leaping through the air, Bret's spitting water (or something), Rikki's standing up and banging on the drums, and Bobby's facing the camera head-on making that I'm-trying-really-hard-(not-to-laugh?) face he uses in every video. Poison are also using the same set they use in every video. Fake stage, platforms a-plenty, and of course a big ol' neon green Poison logo right up front. Naturally, as the song progresses on, we cut in and out in a sort of Poison performance montage, creating the appearance of numerous clothing changes, sunglasses and hats that are constantly appearing and disappearing, and of course, a guitar Bret Michaels is mysteriously holding half the time. Poison pretty much keep on like this the whole time, so let's get back and see what Angel's up to.

There she is, her optimistic little face turned up to the "neon lights" already! Before we know it, she's in the office of a sleazebag modeling agent/producer/whatever-you-want-to-call-him. As he asks her to turn around and show him the total package and reaches out to touch her face, her revulsion is already apparent. He breaks the fourth wall to briefly give us a knowing look, and so even though Angel's still on the phone with her dad at this point, we pretty much know where this is going.



And here's where it's going. Before we've even seen her offering him anything (at least on camera), he's already buying her stuff -- a rather unconvincingly large diamond necklace and a satin-y bustier (a girl's other best friend?). Nevertheless, it wins her over, and we quickly go from a last look at Angel hugging her father goodbye to her in an extremely brief dress laughing and burying her face in Mr. Creepy's lapel while they leave a club together and climb into a limo. Wonder what goes on in there. Hmm.

Before we know it, Angel's got a career as a model of sorts -- at this point in time, it looks like she's modeling for one of those calendars that would be like, grease-encrusted and hanging on the back wall of an auto shop for years at a time (you know, the kind that like, Snap-On Tools used to give away). But if you think, hey, it was the 80s, who knows she could be modeling for like, Bongo Jeans or something (except she's not wearing any pants. Or much else).

However, even as the flashbulbs pop around her, we know we're heading toward the bridge and thus, toward Angel's inevitable fall (the one she'll actually notice, not the one us, her parents, and Poison have been clocking since the beginning of the song). When she takes her diamond necklace and bustier combo out to the same club where she first went with Mr. Creepy, what's that? Why, as Page Six might say, there he is canoodling with some other P.Y.T. Uh-oh. Angel tries standing beside the table, and when that doesn't work, throws her drink onto it.

C.C. tears into the solo, and we're back with Poison, who are going nuts as per usual at this time, with lots of hopping around and tossing of hair. As the solo ends, Angel busts out of the club, followed closely by Mr. Creepy. He runs over and appears to start yelling at her, and she just hauls off and kicks him in the balls. Girl power! As Angel stalks off into the Hollywood night, we're left to worry that she has enough money for a cab, or at least that the cops won't pick her up for soliciting (then again, it is the 80s).



Finally, she's managed to cover up and, in case we weren't sure what the message was, Angel walks by a sign that says, "there's no place like home." Has she found her happy ending? Is she getting back on the bus? Not exactly. A yellow checkered motorcycle reading "Hollywood Cab" pulls up driven by (who else?) Bret Michaels. As Angel hops on behind him, Bret breaks the fourth wall to raise his sunglasses and laugh. So if she's not safe, at least we know she's soon to get it on with Bret (and I guess we're supposed to be okay with that). As Bret and Angel pull away, there's that bus again -- but oh, it's another starry-eyed young girl just getting off the bus - another future notch in Bret Michaels' bedpost.

THE VERDICT As my significant other was quick to point out (if I may paraphrase for a moment), "Whoa, people thought Poison were immoral? That's like, the kind of lesson parents would want their kids to learn." True for the 'don't run away to Hollywood to become a lingerie model part', not so true for the 'winding up running away again with Bret Michaels' part. But yeah, the basic story is pretty not wild, even if its ending is ambiguous. After all, the don't run away message is strong, but if there's this well if you do run away, you'll wind up getting picked up by the lead singer of a very successful band message, and if you're a girl in 80s (or hell, now), which are you really going to listen to?

Still, even if it doesn't make the most sense, it is a fun, very 80s story. And as per the norm, the Poison performance footage is great. Even though Poison never seem to play in front of real people in their videos (at least not till their third album), they make the most of their soundstage. I always love bands where everyone sings along, whether there's a microphone there or not, and in nearly every shot of every band member in this video, they're singing. And in the midst of all this singing, Poison never, ever stop running or jumping either. I love it!

Dokken, "Into the Fire"

E-e-evil Women

THE VIDEO Dokken, "Into the Fire," Tooth and Nail, 1984, Elektra

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SAMPLE LYRIC "[Into the fire] I've fallen / [Into the fire] I've fall-ennnnnnnnnnnnn! / INTO THE FIRE! / Into the fih-uhhhhhhhhh!"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION A spread-legged, leotard-clad model with stylishly mussed hair is splayed across what appears to be a giant diaphragm (albeit a neon diaphragm wrapped in barbed-wire cobwebs). Another model, apparently a cast member from Cats. And a somewhat beefier lass, clad in some sort of tight leather swimsuit, banging an enormous gong, while another oddly-made up woman blows fire and more Cats claw the screen. Is this what we'll find when we go into the fire? We'll have to wait and see.

Meanwhile, outside of the fire, Don Dokken et al. are rocking out on a stage a) at night b) in the snow c) beside a river, where a speedboat races back and forth d) while a helicopter with a searchlight circles overhead e) in front of a bunch of creepy, anonymous buildings that are either waiting to be completed or actually are parking garages f) encircled by enormous pots of fire g) while an enormous pair of goblin hands rise up from the stage, about to clap together and crush Mick Brown, h) all of the above. (Hint: If you guessed "all of the above," you were correct!) It's unclear where the hell they are, although for some reason I always think Eastern Europe. Beats me, though.

Anyway. As we near the first chorus, the helicopter and speedboats are really going nuts, as are Don Dokken's nostrils, while meanwhile a woman is being wrapped in barbed wire. After the chorus wraps up, one by one, the band's members hop off of the side of the stage (over more barbed wire), only to wind up tied to that giant diaphragm from the first shot, which now appears to be suspended over a large number of candles or torches or something. "The Fire." As each lands on the diaphragm, it spins away -- "Into" the fire! Note that they do bring their instruments with them.



Once in the fire, the boys are pushing a giant mine car full of fire toward what appears to be either a) the Cirque du Soleil's version of Dante's "Inferno" or b) again, a Japanese revival of Cats (if you guessed none of the above, you're probably correct on this one). Anyway, they're pushing it into another diaphragm thingy (also full of fire) around which elaborately made-up models are standing on platforms, forming a sort of pyramid. The women, one of whom is sort of sitting splay-legged (and beckoning them to come in between her legs) all gesture toward the band with scary claws (think Lee Press-On Nails from hell) as they push, and more hands coming up from the floor threaten on either side.

Mission accomplished, the band carefully makes their way back out of the fire, walking along burning coals while more hands grasp from below and red fabric billows behind. They escape through an opening that suddenly appears ahead of them (and I'd be lying to you and to myself if I didn't describe it as vaginal), and find themselves all safe and sound inside the giant goblin hands on either side of the drum kit back on their stage, which are now smoking (by which I mean there's smoke coming out of the fingers -- they're not like, holding a giant cigarette -- I feel kind of weird that I felt the need to give this clarification!).

But they're not safe yet. The snow seems to have stopped, but that copter's still looking for something, and the speedboat's still tearing it up. Still, the threat of the Cats having been contained (the women are now relegated to the role of back-up dancers, gyrating in front of the goblin hands), we're now free to revel in George Lynch's guitar solo and the bridge, which is the best part of this song. And though the back-up dancers make some token efforts to remove the barbed wire they're still wrapped in, it's over for them. They'll dominate Dokken no more.



THE VERDICT Like I go on to say in my analysis of "Alone Again," it's hard to believe that these two videos came from the same album. The two seem to somewhat reflect a more general transition in the look of metal videos, and this one is definitely old school. The production values are underwhelming, overreliance on face paint is a serious issue, and the whole thing about having the spooky, evil women who want to trap the band members is a very familiar trope (viz the Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane" Queensryche's "Queen of the Reich," and Def Leppard's "Foolin'").

Though the shortcomings of this style of video are clear, they're much more fun than many of the later videos (am I saying I prefer this style of subjugating women, where they're threatening? Maybe). In fact, it's kind of interesting to look at the transition in video women as heavy metal hitting puberty. In early videos, women are sexy and desirable, but they're scary and potentially emasculating. Later, once metal's got some hair on its chest, the women are even sexier, and suddenly they're putty in the bands' hands. The whole getting-trapped-by-futuristic-robo-babes thing is over.

Nevertheless, I can't get enough of this video. It's got a similar aesthetic to "Breaking the Chains" (as well as the aforementioned videos), which again, I find to be very fun, and it's also got George Lynch (of whom I also can never get enough) with his amazing two-tone hair. This appears to me to be the last video that features said 'do, and while clearly he looks amazing no matter what's going on up top, the half 'n' half hair is a truly astonishing accomplishment (particularly in a decade so focused on hair).

Dokken, "Alone Again"

Who Wants to Be Lonely?

THE VIDEO Dokken, "Alone Again," Tooth and Nail, 1984, Elektra Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Tried so hard to make you see-ee-ee / but I couldn't find the words / now the tears, they fall liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike rain / I'm aloooone again without youuuuuuuuuu"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION The side of a bus moves across the frame. The scene begins in Room 113 of a lonely motel. After a bus drives by, reflecting the motel's neon sign in its chrome flank, an anonymous hand opens the room's door. Before we enter the room, however, we cut away to a brief montage of 1) hot chicks at a Dokken concert, 2) meatheads headbanging at same concert, 3) one of George Lynch's pecs (yes!).

Suddenly back at the motel, we check out our accommodations. Ooh, lucky us, The Dukes of Hazzard is already on! But no, before we can settle in on one of those double beds to catch up with Boss Hog, we're back at the Dokken concert (not that that's really a bad thing). Fans begin to hoist lighters as a heavily made-up Don Dokken starts singing (and let me state for the record that I think this song is totally gorgeous). Don Dokken's perfect ski-slope nose takes over much of the screen -- even in many of the shots that are not of him, a ghostly image of his face is still sort of superimposed over the scene. But then oh, (oh!), we're rocking out with George Lynch again. Nice!

Meanwhile, Don's staring into the mirror in the motel bathroom, moodily reflecting on the loneliness he feels even in the midst of the swirling whirlpool of fame (or perhaps merely adjusting his headband). But no time, we're about to hit the first chorus, and back at the Dokken concert, things are staring to really rock. If there's something I like better than nice, slow concert shots of leaps, kicks, and of course, hair being flung to and fro, I don't know what it is. A lot of it is probably b-roll of them playing completely other songs, but no worries. It looks great.



As Don sings "now the tears, they fall liiiiiiiike rainnnnnnnn," we see him rinsing his face in his sink, then balefully staring at his own reflection (looking for all the world like Linda Richman without her makeup on). It's a pretty good pantomime of loneliness, yes, but it's no "Wanted: Dead or Alive" (which I'd argue is the all-time greatest "I might have all this fame and money and rock stardom, but I'm so painfully alone" video).

The second verse is all live footage and again, it looks amazing. Jeff Pilson just always knows exactly what to do when the camera's on him -- he always manages to create this cool little moment between himself and the camera (one of my favorite shots ever, in "The Hunter", is of him doing a random little jump). At the same time, clearly, George Lynch is giving it all he's got -- we're nowhere near the solo, and he's already dishing up more guitar face than I can fit on one plate. Yes, even Don Dokken's got his leg up on something, reaching out and gesturing toward the crowd, who all wave their hands nonstop for the duration of the video. We do briefly see him covering his face with his hands before the mirror and tossing and turning on his motel bed, but at this point, the balance of power has tipped toward rocking.

The guitar solo in this song is (what else?) amazing, and the camera hardly leaves George Lynch as he peels through it, from his hair, which has almost completely grown out the amazing half-and-half dye job, to what appear to be Nikes. And let it be noted that he has further accessorized this look with a single long, feathery earring, a bandanna, and some kind of leather-looking lacing tied around one bicep a la the Ultimate Warrior. I love it!



As the song wraps up, we have Don Dokken singing for all it's worth, with his face taking up the entire frame almost the entire time. Though he closes the door on the motel bathroom finally, the superimposition of his face over shots of the crowd's outstretched hands reinforce our sense that he's "alone again," as does the final shot of the bus from the beginning of the video pulling out from whatever town they're in.

THE VERDICT In spite of being roughly contemporaneous with "Into the Fire," this video couldn't look more different. While "Into the Fire" is a tremendous example of the early 80s video aesthetic (sets that appear to have been made by a high school drama club, excessive use of kabuki-style makeup), "Alone Again" really shows the direction videos were headed. Though there's still a story (there's always a story), the balance tips away from dramatic encounters involving the entire band to a focus on the lead singer as the lone actor.

It also a harbinger of things to come with the upscaling of heavy metal videos. With MTV suddenly airing metal in near-saturation level rotation (for better or for worse) circa 1987-88, there's definitely a turn away from using foil and "lasers" (or really any sort of special effects). Though that can be written off as part of the shift described above, where this difference is most notable is in the performance footage.

As compared to a video like "Into the Fire," which also contains a substantial amount of performance footage, "Alone Again" is much more advanced. The live footage appears cinematic, with approximately a jillion camera angles (compared to the other video's hmm, three). While even the most amateurish looking videos aired on MTV were undoubtedly professionally made, videos like these definitely show a marked turn toward a much more finished looking product.

In any event, in spite of attempts to tie the video together with a Don Dokken-based plot about the loneliness of the road (itself a common song and video trope, though possibly just a thinly-veiled ploy to win the sympathy of potential groupies), for me at least this video is all about George Lynch. Yes, the camera gives a lot of play to Don Dokken's perfectly pinched nostrils and precisely plucked brows, but the extent to which the camera lovingly captures every last inch of Lynch's alarmingly intoxicating physique can not be ignored. Likewise, while Dokken has opted to enhance his wardrobe with what's soon to become his signature headband, Lynch has tied rags around his torso. Do I even need to ask which looks hotter? Yes, my dearest George wins every time. Donny doesn't even have a chance.

Whitesnake, "In the Still of the Night"

Somebody Call the Sex Police

THE VIDEO Whitesnake, "In the Still of the Night," Whitesnake, 1987, Geffen Records

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SAMPLE LYRIC "In the still of the night, I hear the wolf howl honey / sniffin' around your daw-awr / in the still of the night, I feel my heart beatin' heavy / tellin' me I gotta have moe-oh-awwwwwwwr"

EXCESSIVELY DETAILED DESCRIPTION In the still of the night, lead singer David Coverdale's then-wife Tawny Kitaen (who went on to divorce him and become co-host of America's Funniest People with another David, Coulier –- and yes sorry about this link, but it was one of the few I could find that at least had a picture), sits at a table and wipes herself down while a fan blows her awe-inspiring mane (even in a decade of big hair, this woman had big hair). Anyway. Meantime, hubbie Dave and the boys are tearing it up on a soundstage liberally decorated with the Whitesnake logo, which I swear to god Marc Jacobs would never admit to referencing but from which the designer borrows liberally –- two seasons ago he did a canvas bag that featured what was essentially the Whitesnake logo done with his own name.

Coverdale's mimicry of Robert Plant soon drives Kitaen from her apartment and into her amazing, very 80s stairwell (she appears to live in the same house that the Mary Jane Girls did in 'In My House'), where it disorients her, causing her to back into a wall and hike up her skirt before running down the stairs. Let the record show that in the still of the night she wears a bustier, a sort of layered, asymmetrical skirt, leather gloves, heels, and large sunglasses, which she tears off when she reaches the bottom of the stairs, facing the camera with that classic Tawny stare.

She enters her garage, which contains (whoa!) one of the Jaguars from the 'Here I Go Again' video. She shakes her ass at the car, perhaps giving it a taste of what's to come (again, viz 'Here I Go Again'), but then –- look! –- who's that standing in front of the other Jaguar from 'HIGA'? It's David Coverdale, of course. We don’t see a reaction from Kitaen, though we do see a random shot of her back at the table, misting her face with water. Coverdale finally pulls it together, saying "Over here, babe," since Tawny's still apparently intent on seducing the car, not the guy (this whole time she's sort of shaking her ass at the car and watching her shadow on the door at the same time). Parallel shots of Kitaen doing a Pat Benatar/Michael Jackson-style dance (it's about halfway between 'Love is a Battlefield' and 'Thriller') and Coverdale doing approximately the same thing to a microphone in front of a large, moon-like circle follow, leading Coverdale to finally pull his car around and Tawny to move toward it.

Smoke or steam of some sort pours across this moon as the entire band rocks out on a series of raised platforms while Coverdale utters a series of groans and shrieks in front of his moon. He eventually becomes a large silhouette in front of the picture of the band, sans moon. We flash back to Tawny at the table, smoking and putting on elbow-length gloves (the perfect thing to cool you off when you're as hot as she apparently is). Gloves on, she continues misting herself while we almost see the other band members: Though they seem ready for their close-ups, they're so backlit it's impossible to tell who's who.

As a violin (yes, a violin) kicks in, Tawny finally makes it out of the building, the camera stalking her from behind a fence of some sort as she struts down the sidewalk. She stops and stares at the camera, which pans up and down her body as smoke or steam or something clouds around her. At length, she appears to become self-conscious (!), and strides away briskly sort of holding herself with her arms. Meanwhile, we cut back to the band and yes, of course, the guitarist is sawing away with a violin bow (and an electric guitar). That's hot.

Tawny runs back up the stairs, and when we enter the apartment she's already comfortably face down on a love seat, blindfolded with her ass in the air. As the camera comes to meet her, Coverdale screams and Kitaen does too, looking really, really not hot. Everyone in Whitesnake goes wild at this turn of events, swinging guitars, pinwheeling with their arms, and finally showing the abandon they haven't really shown yet in this video (I mean come on, they haven't even let the Adrian Vandenberg make that ridiculous pouty face directly at the camera while dropping to his knees once!).

Why is she screaming? Well, she left the door open, and David Coverdale's totally stumbling around her entryway (possibly this was a scene torn from the real pages of their lives? I don’t know). Anyway, as the song appears to start over, Coverdale turns out to be sort of dancing (seductively?) while Kitaen vamps on the couch. As the song nears its frantic zenith ("Still of the night! Still of the night! Still of the night!"), we revisit some of our favorite shots from earlier in the video; Coverdale with the Jaguar, Kitaen with the spray bottle, etc., while everyone in the band flings their hair about for all it's worth. It is so intense that the chains holding some of the lights above Whitesnake's set break, but the band doesn't care.

Kitaen at long last gets her ass up and heads over to Coverdale for one of their trademark open-mouthed kisses (like a real snake, Coverdale seems to unhinge his jaw in an attempt to swallow her face). A happy ending? No! Someone has alerted the authorities, and Coverdale is being dragged away through the now Jaguar-less garage only to be thrown in the back of the van. Who are these buzzkillers? Apparently, they're the "sex police." Go figure.

THE VERDICT Seriously, if Led Zeppelin had still been together and making new music in 1987, this is exactly what it would have sounded like. Between the killer riff, the vocal squeaks and squawks, and all of the start/stop transitions, it sounds exactly like Led Zeppelin. (Until you hit the synthesizer violin part, then you realize, ah, it's 1987, and this is not Led Zeppelin.) You can definitely argue that it's easier to like bands (like Zep) that did not stay together and continue making music through the 80s because unlike with say, the Rolling Stones, you don't have to remember the sinking feeling you felt as you saw your counterculture idols donning cuffed blazers and skinny ties.

But anyway, that aside, this song kicks so much ass, even if it is sort of watered down 80s Led Zeppelin. I never get tired of it, just like people in the 80s apparently never got tired of Tawny Kitaen. Even if the video makes no damn sense (which really it doesn't —- but neither does any Whitesnake video), it continues to drive home some important points for Whitesnake fans. One, lead singer Coverdale at least at the time was totally hitting it with Tawny Kitaen. Two, he and Kitaen both drive (or at least lay on) expensive cars). And three, at least in this video, whatever they're up to is pretty damn kinky. After all, you don't see Jani Lane getting locked up by the sex police!

P.S.: Since I'm retitling this 2004 post from the magical future of 2010, this title is actually a very 2010 reference.