Helloween, "Halloween"

It's the Great Pumpkin, Michael Kiske

THE VIDEO Helloween, "Halloween," Keeper of the Seven Keys, Part 1, 1987, RCA

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SAMPLE LYRIC "in the streets on Halloween / there's something going ooo-ooon / no wayyy to escape the power unknoooooooown! / in the streets on Halloween / the spirits will arise / make your choice, it's hell or para-diiiiiii-iiiiiiiise / ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! / it's Halloween"

THE VERDICT It was dang hard picking a Halloween-related video to do. I mean given metal's interest as a genre in various things creepy and crawly, dark and ghouly, I had a lot of options. But in the end, I went with Helloween because of their simple sentiment, "it's Halloween." Or maybe they're saying "it's Helloween," which would also make sense. The German accents make it a little hard to be sure.

When I was younger (like in grade school) I thought Helloween was a pretty lame name for a band, but now that I'm older and have seen just how dumb band names have gotten (think all those hipster bands with sentence names, or random strings of nouns like Scarecrow Boat), Helloween doesn't seem that bad. I've always thought of this song as more or less their theme song, and the guy with the pumpkin head on over the bad 50s wedding tux to be their mascot. I know, the seven keys wizard guy is technically more badass, but the pumpkin guy fits better. He reminds me of the Garbage Pail Kid at least sometimes known as "Jack O. Lantern" (aka "Duncan Pumpkin").

Though if I had to pick a favorite song from this album I'd probably choose "A Little Time," you have to admit that the beginning of this song is frickin' badass. The incredibly fast guitar coupled with the menacing chant "masquerade, masquerade, grab your mask and don't be late" is amazing. But then surprisingly hot vocalist Michael Kiske immediately goes up into Rob Halford range and stays there for the rest of the song, save for one verse he sings in a vaguely silly-sounding low voice. Don't his vocal chords ever get tired? This song goes and goes (particularly if you're listening to the album version and not the edited one you hear with the video), with a jillion solos and a surprising lack of resolution, but for me the beginning is the best part, with the first verse and solo coming in second place. After that, let's face it, I'm not that much of a power metal gal.

So we see a full moon, then the Great Pumpkin appears. Then he sort of spontaneously combusts, and the song starts to get really bad ass. Helloween are standing in the middle of a dry-ice-filled forest full of incredibly tall yet limbless trees. Were it not 1987, I'd guess these were cell phone towers.



And who should come wandering out of the trees, but a bunch of women in Halloween costumes that were probably risque 22 years ago but look downright classy compared to the kinds of things women wear today. They're dressed as, well, typical women in a heavy metal video -- body makeup, tights, ripped off-the-shoulder things, drape-y pieces of fabric. They wander toward the band as if transfixed. Michael Kiske switching to using a deeper voice seems to be what really gets them going.

As the women get closer, we see many more revelers, including costumed men. The most amazing costume goes to Klaus Nomi (Germans and Venture Brothers fans know what I'm talking about). Even the Great Pumpkin gets into the act -- we see a lot of low-camera angle shots of everyone sort of skipping or hopping toward the camera in their costumes. If you watch this on TV rather than on YouTube, you'll notice you get several less shots of female revelers' butt cheeks. You're not missing much.

Even though they aren't dancing around or wearing costumes, everyone in Helloween seems to be having a great time. Lots of headbanging and guitar face, and they all keep hanging off of each other. Kai Hansen seems to be especially feeling it.

The video builds toward a climax with all the costumed people circling around the members of the band, then suddenly a big bank of fog comes, and only the band is left (as well as a bunch of pumpkins on the ground). The band members make sort of "what's that smell?" faces at each other, then they disappear too. The video ends as it begins, with a shot of the full moon.

Dang, this video is like a power metal Scooby-Doo episode. It shares particular affinity with "The Headless Horseman of Halloween", where the gang attends a costume party at their friend Beth's house only to be haunted by the headless horseman (who starts off with a pumpkin for a head). They should make a longer version of this video to go with the album version of the song, filling in the extra time with the footage of people finding clues in the woods. Then we could find out at the end of the video that the Great Pumpkin guy was really the girl's uncle, trying to shaft her out of an inheritance.



This version would conclude with Scooby et al. saving Helloween from getting ripped off by a thinly-veiled version of Gene Simmons, who is trying to trick them into signing away the rights to a hit song. The gang would then be guests of honor at a Helloween concert, at which Shaggy and Scooby would get foot-long hotdogs, but Scooby would manage to eat them both.

Then everyone would laugh, and Helloween would play a power metal version of the theme from Jabberjaw, which seems to be the one song Hanna-Barbera owned the rights to, at least based on how often it gets used out of context. I'm guessing not a lot of other people would like that video, but I for one would love it.

P.S. Why would anyone, even Hanna-Barbera, ever make a cartoon about a Rodney Dangerfield-esque shark living in space? Honestly, that's more confusing than even the most confounding of metal videos.

Winger, "Can't Get Enuff"

Why Yes, Those Are Bugle Boy Jeans He's Wearing
THE VIDEO Winger, "Can't Get Enuff," In the Heart of the Young, 1990, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "I can't get enuff of you baby / I can't get enuff, it's neverrr enu-uuh-uhhh-uffff / I can't get enuff, I'm still hunnngrrraaayy / so baby give it up, cuz I can't get enuff!"

THE VERDICT The high here today was supposed to be in the mid 60s, but instead its in the 80s. Burning sun, dripping sweat, exposed skin ... ew pervs, I'm not describing my life, I'm talking about this Winger video!

Winger is a band I'm constantly on the fence about, and "Can't Get Enuff" is one of the songs that I place on the "Cons" side of the ledger. It does little to disabuse one of the notion of Kip Winger as more than vaguely sleazy, and their songs as overproduced. I know, I know, musicianship, training, blablabla, but can't you feel like if they're really that talented they'd be able to get away from making songs like this?

That said, this isn't their worst song (to my mind, that's actually "Seventeen"), it's just far from their best. Though it does have some elements I like (especially the "Hey hey!"), it has many bits that are pure cheese (whatever those weird chimes are toward the beginning, the parts of the chorus where it sounds like they've slowed Kip's voice down a half-step, the actual lyrical content).



And what is it with metal bands and spelling "ough" as "uff"? I have an amazing Winger t-shirt from their tour for the first album, and on the back it announces them "Too Tuff To Tame" (this shirt is so awesome no one's even selling one like it on eBay so I can show you a picture -- but suffice to say I have the one with pictures of the band members on it, not the tour dates one). But it's not just Winger -- you've got Enuff Z'nuff (lord knows I always harp on them), Tuff, etc. I guess it fits in with having egregious double letters in your name, which lord knows metal bands like too (e.g. Ratt, Rough Cutt, etc).

Back to the video! Okay not back, because I've barely talked about it. To the video! This video is basically an incredible time capsule of everything white people thought was sexy in 1990. We've got shirtless guys in mirrored sunglasses and mullets, women in halter tops and high-waisted bottoms, and motorcycles. Look at any man in this video, and you can be pretty damn sure those are Bugle Boy jeans he's wearing. Look at any woman in this video, and you can't be sure whether that's meant to be a shirt or a bra. And we've got all these seduction scenarios going on that are straight out of a made-for-Cinemax-after-10-pm masterpiece -- people eating fruit, in a boxing gym, playing pool, etc. while constantly throwing the bone eye at each other.



I also like how nothing in this has continuity or makes sense -- kind of reminds me of a perfume ad, but I think this would be an ad for Designer Imposters. Why do those guys have surfboards when everything in this video leads us to believe we're in the desert? If that woman is sweating so darn hard, why is she wearing a leather jacket with her bra/top? Also what is up with exhaust fans in like every video ever in the late 80s/ early 90s? Seriously, from Tesla to Milli Vanilli, y'all.

Compared to other Winger videos, this is almost all Kip Winger. The rest of the boys are barely visible, as we're too busy with close-ups of Kip's face, or of him walking around putting the smallest amount of effort possible into pretending to play his bass (e.g., using only his right hand). He also gets to show off a lot of that ballet training, with a number of honestly quite graceful spins and swoops, as well as the requisite arching his back absurdly far. He even puts in some David Lee Roth-esque high kicks. I bet he's good at yoga. All the swinging and flashing lights don't make it any easier to tell what the heck is going on -- backlit, everyone in Winger is the same curly-haired dude.



You'd think the strobe-lit woman crawling on a pool table would be the pinnacle of cheese in this video -- we can't even see Reb Beach's guitar solo, because we're too busy getting something that looks like a cross between "Enter Sandman" and a Slaughter video. Is the strobe light meant to imply this is a fantasy sequence? This entire video is made up of fantasy sequences!!

But if you're thinking this, you obviously haven't made it up to the "sexy photo booth" scene. That one really takes the cake, as the guy has to mimic emotions from "disbelief" to "flustered arousal" while the woman makes exactly one face ("sexy pouting") throughout. Also, if it's that darn hot, why on earth is she wearing stockings? Ugh, just contemplating all that thigh sweat is grossing me out.

I don't know if it's warm enough here for me to want to tackle my boyfriend on top of a bunch of grapes (are those people vintners? Why on earth would anyone buy that many grapes at once?), but suffice to say it was warm enough for me to think of Winger. And while I often feel I can get enuff of this song, I will say the video has brought considerable amusement to my afternoon.

Kix, "Body Talk"

A Less-Dirty, Live-Action American Apparel Ad

THE VIDEO Kix, "Body Talk", Cool Kids, 1983, Atlantic

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SAMPLE LYRIC "They know that she talks, body talk / pictures I can see / she talks body talk / [body talk body talk]"

THE VERDICT Crab cakes and calisthenics baby, that's what Maryland does! Or so one would come to think from watching this Kix video, unparalleled in its sheer damn-is-that-girl-even-18-oh-no-wait-she's-30-no-omg-that-girl-is-15-max-ness. A group of gals outfitted in their best tights, legwarmers, leotards and high-waisted pants bust into a school gymnasium (which is possibly being decorated for a dance? There are streamers on the walls and at the very beginning, they surprise a girl who seems to be hanging balloons) and begin doing very basic sorts of stretches and aerobic moves. It's basically an indoor version of the gratuitous gym class scene from Private School.

Enter Kix, checking out the girls' butts and looking awesome. (Also no matter what allmusic claims, the band does not work out in this video. They're no Judas Priest.) In eyeliner, black jeans, a red-striped shirt, black vest, and ratty blonde hair the likes of which TV's Jenny Humphrey wishes she could pull off, Steve Whiteman looks the most like Robin Zander he'll ever look, which is saying a lot since he more or less always looks like Robin Zander.



Also deserving of mention is guitarist Brian Forsythe for a killer ensemble of ripped, skinny jeans, a Slade tee, and a patch-covered vest. Also meriting discussion is bassist Donnie Purnell who looks, well, like not the kind of guy you want hanging around your high school gym.

As for the song: Me, I love it. I know some folks don't though, because it's a bit new wave for a rock band (being someone who loves synth and new wave, this isn't a problem). But come on, who doesn't enjoy the occasional Frampton Comes Alive-esque talk box? Seriously people, don't let all this T-Pain autotune crap make you get it twisted -- vocal effects can still sound fresh and different. In this song, added with the random Eastern-inspired elements, it works.

Because everything about this song is random. If you want a song named "Body Talk" that lives up to its scintillating title, go listen to Ratt (actually regardless, let me make that recommendation. Ratt rules). But if you want a bunch of girls who look like Mary Anne Spier gussied up in eyeliner and a leotard, this is the video for you. Always felt like Kelly Kapowski was "too pretty" and thus wouldn't talk to you? Again, let me recommend this clip. There's even one gal rocking kind of a Freddie Mercury black-and-white look. This video's got it all.



It's hard to choose a favorite scene, but I am going to have to vote for the breakdown at the end ("talk, TALK, talk to me, body talk, talk") where they give up on shooting additional footage and just show still photos of the band (lit so their instruments look extra shiny -- ew that sounded bad) mixed with still photos of the aerobics girls posing for the camera. Not since Ratt's "I Want a Woman" have so many average-looking women been put on a pedestal in a heavy metal video. Gosh, I know I am trying to talk about Kix here but somehow I keep winding up focused on Ratt.

Long story short, this video rules. But also, between the awkwardness of the women, the voyeurism (e.g. the shots of one of the women primping before a mirror), and the extensive collection of layered, colorful lycra spandex on display, I can't believe this video isn't playing 24/7 in American Apparel stores. I mean really, how can they not know about this? Clearly they get their ideas for bringing back splatterpaint spandex from somewhere. Oh wait, that was from Enuff Z'nuff.

LA Guns, "Never Enough"

The Tracii Guns-Kurt Cobain Connection

THE VIDEO LA Guns, "Never Enough," Cocked and Loaded, 1989, Polydor

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SAMPLE LYRIC "(aaaahhhhhh) It's never enough just to hold you / (aaaaaaaahhhhhh) It's never enough just to please you / (aaaaahhhh-aaaaaahhhhhhhh) ooh baby, it's never enough"

THE VERDICT A couple of years before Nirvana shot more or less the same video plus retro costumes, the LA Guns made a video that shows off one of their many talents -- making great, straight-ahead pop. Yes, the LA Guns can rock your ass off -- I mean, just listen to "Bitch is Back" or "Sex Action." But Phil Lewis and co. also made some terrific pop songs, and this, like "I Wanna Be Your Man," is definitely one of them.

In spite of the fact that we see Ed Sullivan show parodies long before this -- think Spinal Tap's "Gimme Some Money" -- I'm going to argue that the LA Guns ushered in a new era here. Though parody videos came before this one (notably "Just a Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody"), "Never Enough" is different in that it isn't really trying to be funny. It's more of an homage than a parody. Given that the LA Guns are certainly no Beatles, it's a bit of a stretch. But if we think of them as like a much less successful version of the Dave Clark Five, maybe we've got something.



In spite of feeling relatively straightforward, this video comes off a bit tongue-in-cheek -- the LA Guns never achieved the level of stardom they pantomime here. But also, in their hammy stage antics (particularly Tracii Guns' exuberant guitar solo), they seem to be giving us a knowing wink. Or to be devolving into self-parody. But no, I mean the LA Guns' various members kicked around the LA scene and did enough time in enough bands that I think they were probably pretty self-aware by the time they made this video. I mean they come off here a lot better than say the members of London (a similarly long-lived band with likewise a roster of went-on-to-be-famous former members) do in Decline II.

I talk about the clothes a lot, but this is a video-oriented blog, hence an emphasis on the visual. And let's face it, with the exception of Steve Riley (who I have heard admit as much himself!), LA Guns are a great-looking band with overall just a great look. Yes, it's harder to tell them apart than the members of say Faster Pussycat, who share their late 80s/early 90s LA style, but that kind of makes them cooler. Lots of dyed black hair, black leather pants, and polka dots a la Theatre of Pain-era Nikki Sixx. And you know I love that.

P.S.: This is by a considerable amount the shortest post I've ever written, so why is it so damn popular? Oh wait... gulp... is that why it's so damn popular?

Bon Jovi, "Living in Sin"

Parents Just Don't Understand

THE VIDEO Bon Jovi, "Living in Sin," New Jersey, Mercury, 1988

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SAMPLE LYRIC "Baby can you tell me, just WHERE we fi-it in / I call it love, they call it living in sin / is it you and me or just this WORLD we li-ive in / we're living on love, or are we livin' in sin"

THE VERDICT I have to give this song the award for the greatest ode to premarital sex (sorry, Winger). So what if the allmusic review claims that Bon Jovi's "trying to recreate Born to Run using cheaper materials." I don't know man but for me, this song puts JBJ dangerously close to Springsteen territory. Let's face it: No matter how I really feel about the state, if there's one thing I love, it's a good story-song about doomed lovers from New Jersey. The Boss is king in those parts -- I mean, "The River," "Atlantic City," etc. -- but Bon Jovi's no slouch.

And "Living in Sin" is the best of his story-songs -- though all the details about squabbling parents and Catholicism don't do it for me, his voice is so choked with emotion at the song's opening that it brings a lump into my throat nearly every time. And the video -- oh, the video. It's a total sobfest!



To review: This is the video MTV originally banned back in the day because it was too racy, though I'd argue they actually banned it for a couple of reasons. One, it contains a lot of Catholic imagery, and this was just a little before the whole "Like a Prayer" controversy. If the church didn't enjoy Madonna burning crosses and getting stigmata, I don't think they were going to exactly embrace Bon Jovi showing a vaguely sexy communion and crossing himself repeatedly while singing about the hypocrisy of religion and the idea that love is more important than the legality of one's relationship.

Two, the video is actually not that racy -- lots of clenched hands and unidentifiable swaths of bare skin (between the long hair and the lights being out, there are a lot of shots where it's not clear who we're looking at). This is particularly true of the shorter version, which omits the one brief peek of silhouetted side-boob (see below for an overly-long discussion of the different versions.) Call me crazy, but I think the bigger problem is that it shows sexuality in a positive, loving way -- this is no "Girls, Girls, Girls," which shows way more skin even in the censored version they show on TV. It also has way less nudity than Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game," which has a very similar overall look and feel. Compared to both of those, too, the shots in this video are too quick to really figure out what's going on; you kind of just get a sense of what you're seeing. Which at least for some of us is, admittedly, probably more titillating than the brazen sexuality of say, Motley Crue's love letter to the ladies of the Body Shop.



Instead of Sunset Strip strippers or Helena Christensen, we get a couple of people who actually look young (particularly the girl -- the guy looks vaguely like the friend who dies in "18 and Life"), and who for metal videos are strikingly good actors! They're adorable together, and he's so affectionate with her, it just ... oh no, here it goes. I'm getting teary. It was going to happen at some point, so let's just let it come. Anyway, they're a pretty realistic couple in the sense of they look like people you could've met in New Jersey circa 1988. I feel like this as well was likely part of MTV's problem with the video -- these folks look underage.

There's also an interesting class aspect in here -- while in most Bon Jovi songs, its implied both lovers are working class (think his other big "Living" song, i.e. "On a Prayer"), this video makes it appear that the boy is working class while the girl is middle class. Her family dresses neatly and eats dinner around the table, his keeps a junker car in the front yard and eats in front of the TV. So the video adds the implication of disapproval of downward mobility to the whole no-sex-before-marriage thing (in other words, it's not just the sex her parents disapprove of, though we can assume they disapprove of that too).



But they're in looove! I mean just look at these two, on the beach, in the car, at a motel... can't anybody take the "if you're going to do this, let's do it at home and be safe" approach? I can't stand the thought that this couple isn't going to make it!

If you see the full version of this video, it includes bits before and after the song ends that give a bit more context (it also includes more explicit sexuality than the shorter version, which is also considerably tamer). Both show the girl having dinner with her parents, and standing up to look out some large windows (or maybe French doors?) out to the street. The beginning includes a voiceover (we assume from the boy) saying, "There's always something that we have to do for them, but this is one thing that we have to do for us."



In the longer ending, we see the girl looking out the window again, and the boy's car driving by. We then see the girl running out to the boy's car. Some folks claim this means she's decided to run away with him. However -- since a) she's wearing different clothes and b) we also see this shot of her running to the car in the beginning of the video (when they're leaving for the motel?) -- I've always taken this to be a memory. In other words, she's looking for his car, but it's not there anymore. Noooooo!

Then again... there's also the shot of them being discovered in bed at the beginning of the video, which is obviously foreshadowing and repeats again at the end. So maybe... hmm. Maybe the whole intro is foreshadowing her leaving with him at the end. But doesn't she need more than that tiny backpack? I mean that'll barely hold her Aqua Net, let alone her enormous supply of giant hoop earrings! Nonetheless, I think further study is required to solidify my interpretation of this video. Are they truly star-crossed, or is this "Tommy and Gina: The Early Years"?

P.S.: Yes, I got the idea for this title from Parks and Recreation.